How to tell if your being cheated on.

To begin, I'll start by noting that the following information comes from my personal experiences alone, not from a book or any other source. I have the opportunity here to attempt to impart some wisdom and teach others from the very painful experiences I've endured. My intention here is to educate and educate only I'm naturally assuming that if you clicked on this thread having read the thread title, then you did so for one of two reasons: either you have a "suspicion" that perhaps your significant other may be straying or you just felt curious. Either way I hope this information finds you well.


Cheating comes in many forms and has many faces, it can run the gamut front simple online "chatting" all the way to a full blown sexual affair. The first step in identifying weather or not your significant other is becoming unfaithful is to examine the (your) relationship itself. Start by looking for what is not there, a good example would be communication, do you and your partner communicate less frequently then normal? Is the context of the existing level lacking in any area?
If the answer is yes then you are very likely to assume that your partner is in "need" of something

Now in place of the word communication, you can go ahead and insert any qualities of a relationship you want i.e.: sex, money, and romance, understanding ECT, ECT, and you have a starting point. The second step in identifying involves opportunity, take a close look at your partner's "life schedule" and yours as well think about work, commute times, activities, school act, ECT. Ask yourself "does the opportunity present itself"? Or in other words does your partner "have the time" to cheat? Well unfortunately the answer is yes, an unfaithful person will make time. This is normally where the process of "finding out" beguines, example: John's wife is very punctual person, she arrives home everyday after work at the same time and is rarely late, but lately John finds her "working" extra hours or blaming some extent of tardiness on traffic or lines at the store ect, ect. John may feel uneasy but then he beguines using the just word witch we'll get into latter.

The third indicator is not so easy to distinguish, it's personal appearance. Many working people dress "nice" for their jobs and you may not notice Subtle changes in your partner's appearance, these could include but are not limited to: a change in perfume or cologne, the addition of certain makeup or the lack thereof, obsessive concern over the condition of a certain "look" i.e.: a bank teller wearing lower cut tops, or an office worker wearing tighter slacks. The desire to be attractive to others is a deeply rooted human desire and because we are a civil society our clothes speak volumes about us, who we are what we do and what we want. If a person who say, works in a factory suddenly starts wearing "nicer" clothing instead of the normal jeans and top, a red flag should be popping up.

We'll take a break here to discuss some different kinds of cheating. (1)Emotional cheating: this a a common starting point for people with a desire to fulfill an empty emotional space. It commonly involves the exchange of stories between the one who is wanting and the other person. The wanting party is looking for validation emotionally and will generally soak up any given like a sponge. If a relationship is lacking in any emotional area then that’s exactly what this type of cheating entails, the replacement of lost emotional validation. An example of this would be: bob looking forward to seeing Mary at work because mary always makes Bob feel attractive by things she says that bob does not hear from his girlfriend. Mary knows she makes Bob feel good so she continues to advance in her compliments to Bob. Bob now "feels" emotionally validated by Mary and not his girlfriend he continues accepting gratifying conversation from Mary.

(2) Boundryleess conversation. A couple shares in all aspects of conversation they know intimate details about each other, confidential details of one another’s lives, present as well as past, and there exists a mutual understanding and trust that certain things will not be divulged outside of the relationship especially those of intimate nature i.e.: "well Sharon never does this or won't do that" ect, ect. When one starts speaking on things of a personal nature to somebody outside of a relationship this creates an opening and a desire to the listener to fulfill those wants weather they be explicit, or simple touches, holding, hugging, ect, ect. When a person is not willing to draw clear boundaries in conversation they are not likely to remain bound by physical one's either.

(3) Cheating with an idea. This one is complicated and involves an understanding of a person's "idea" of what their partner is or is not. This one can be time specific as well in regards to a person’s age, preferences wants desires ect, ect, Often we fall in love with the "idea" of a person instead of really falling in love with the person, i.e.: when Jan met Mark he was in a rock band playing the guitar with hair down to his waist, she was physically attracted to him but subconsciously attracted to the idea of being with a rock star. Over the years Mark has let his hair go the way of the cassette tape. Sharon's new male assistant however fits the "Mark 12 years ago" idea wich has Sharon thinking of times past and possibilities of reliveing those times past except just not with Mark.

(4) Fling (physical)
This one is very difficult on the person who has been cheated on by this method. The simple act of succombing to lust and enguaging in sexual or less then sexual contact for a relitivly short period of time on the basis of passionate temporary gratification sums this up. Flings generally last fewer then three weeks and once over, they tend to remain over because the seemingly hot and steamy feelings and desires have been fullfilled.

(5) Affair.
The general consensus I've taken from conversations with people like myself who have expeirenced this type of devestation is the the partner who was unfaithfull expected this to remain unnoticed and thus continue it for a long period of time. An affair generally constitutes the unfaithfull partner developing feelings for the other person no matter how insignificant they may be,they exsist. The other person is supplying one or many of their needs and this only keeps an affair going despite the current relationship.

Red flags can come in many different forms as mentioned before. One should be cautioned though, that some cheaters are good at having their cake and eating it too. If you suspect or have a doubt do not fall into the "just" cycle i.e "oh she's just caught in traffic" or "he's just at his sisters house" just being the key word here. This is denial plain and simple and the reason you may have began to suspect a cheating partner dosen't "just" go away either, you make it go away by proving or disproving your suspicions.

Be tactfull in your aproach if you suspect something is not right, often times we get a "gut" feeling that something isn't right. Trust that feeling and proceed to look for changes in your partner, one's that can be seen as well as ones that can be felt. Ask questions and scrutinize details, You know your partner and your partners patterns so any deviation from these should raise at least some extent of concern on your part. A good cheater has a weakness, pride they feel like they will never get caught and it is this pride that will eventually be their downfall, they might get sloppy thinking you are unaware and this is when their covert activities beguin to slowly reveal themselves.

I sugguest a verbal approach at first, communication is key in a healthy relationship, and any breakdown in this will alert you to possible trouble. Do not accuse outright or you will find yourself faceing a person that feels cornered and when sombody is cornered they become secluded and defensive. Play on their emotions by way of finding out what they want and then compare the answers to the current state of your relationship, if you get alot of "I want's" that match up to shortcomings you presently have then the possibility of having a cheating partner becomes more likely. Do not blame yourself, because you can't control other people' actions they do and unless you put a gun to their head and told them to cheat, they made that choice not you.

Of course this is not a "complete" guidline on the subject it is but a reference and should give you at least a direction to follow, I am well versed in the subject and could fill multiple threads on the subject. If you have any questions that you perfer not to post on the forum please feel free to U2U me and I will reply as promptly as possible. Please also keep in mind that if you find yourself being lied to, it indicates that there may be other issues at play such as cheating. Some people lie outright to cover the truth while others lie in the guise of "protecting" the one their lieing to beware of the latter for these lier's truly believe their own lies and they actually think that by lieing to you that they are doing you a favor, this is the worst kind of lier.

In conclusion, I've provided a a general guide on recognizing some traits and behaivors common of a cheater. In love there is no rule book in wich both parties are bound to and as such we should remember that the people we let into our lives are at best at least partially capable of straying, so keep your guard up but don't let suspicion ruin a good thing. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, well guess what? I'ts probably a duck. Thanks for reading.

Flag for you.
All the emotional validation I needed.
"QUACK"
I just stepped on a duck.

reply to post by alyosha1981


Wow, none of this is really relevant to me at the moment but flag for taking the time to compile all this.

Flag for you! I have been cheated on many times and I can say these are the things I noticed. My ex was great at lying and covering it up until it got to be too many. Good thing I have a great memory. Right now my current bf lives 8 hours away and I trust him 100% and this is a first for me. If he is cheating well then he is the best at keeping it secret but I doubt this 100%. In the past I felt it and knew something wasnt right but this time I feel nothing but trust and loyalty.

reply to post by mblahnikluver


8 hours? LOL, that is quite a long distance relationship!

reply to post by jkrog08


Ha yeah he use to live here but moved due to work. I am moving soon. I posted a thread about long distance relationships...lol My friends think I am nuts and said they would worry about cheating but I dont, I trust him and vice versa. Its just a minor set back for now.

reply to post by mblahnikluver


I'm sorry to hear that, I feel as though there are some people who are just born to lie or born of a lie as it may be.These people are often the one's who cheat, they are already liers why not become cheaters too? then at least they have something to lie about, it's like milk with cereal it just makes sense.

I posted this thread to highlight some areas and behaivors akin to cheaters in the hopes that just maybe, sombody will read this and take some knowledge out of it and see trouble coming before it's too late. I was a sucker I let it happen 7 times before I ended the mariage. I never saw it coming (when it started that is) and I had basically nobody to go to and ask for advice.

I'm well versed in the art of detecting a cheat and I have her to thank for that so in some respects I value being utterly destroyed emotionaly by the adultrous activities of my former spouse. I f wht I know can help one person avoid going through what I went through then I'll be happy.

reply to post by alyosha1981


Yeah I tried and tried to warn the girl my ex cheated on me with. I tried to save her from hurt in the future but she wouldnt listen and well she got hurt. Its odd because I didnt listen either to the warnings from others about my ex. I thought he would be different for me....how silly! I have learned many lessons in my dating life and I swear it's those lessons that have really helped me in my current relationship.

I have never been cheated on. I have never cheated.

To be frank, if you suspect infidelity it's time to take a deep long look at your relationship.

I am in a relationship with a man much younger than myself. I know that much younger, more attractive women cross his path regularly. But I trust him. Should I suspect infidelity it would indicate to me a problem which goes deeper than infidelity; to the core of what makes a relationship solid and long lasting.

If you are looking for signs that your partner is cheating thenit's already a bad omen, wheter the infidelity is happening or not.

A really general, I realize it doesn't apply to every case, statement is that men cheat for sexual fulfillment, women cheat for emotional fulfillment.

In a relationship which is solid and long lasting communication would negate both the issues.

I think that you are making too many baseless uninformed assumptions. You should try listening other people's opinions on this manner, from an objective viewpoint.

reply to post by vcwxvwligen


I wonder if you ment this post for me? If you did then I would ask you how you figure my points to be "baseless asumptions" as they were all very real in situations I have expierienced.

Honestly I have been forced to learn the cues that generaly lead to the truth. I agree with many poster's opinions and envy the one's who have never had the misfortune of dealing with this issue.

Of course these points I've provided are not all inclusive and as well, may not apply in all situations, as each person is different and the ones who cheat do it for different reasons. I have simply provided what I feel to be very good red flags to point one in the direction of possibly finding out the truth.

Question is, if you do suspect your signifficant other of being unfaithful, do you really want to know the truth? Sometimes what we find is more painful then the rational thoughts our mind concieved in the first place.

reply to post by alyosha1981


Like you said yourself, your own experiences won't be applicable to many other people. Experience is the best teacher, but sharing stories with various people can be a way of experiencing what they have been through as well.

Good job on the write up. I have been cheated on every time i've fell in love so far. The last time bothered me so much I went three years without so much as a kiss. I've never been promiscuous, but it seems to work for so many people i've known. I just can't bring myself to that level. I've had three serious relationships, and i'm in my early 20s.
I just found out a couple days ago that a week ago my girlfriend of almost three and a half years cheated on me. At first she called me at six in the morning drunk to tell me she almost had sex with someone. Then later in the day she said she was just trying to hurt me and nothing happened. Things haven't been good for a while between us, but I never gave up.
I can't believe even a little part of me believed her that she was just trying to hurt me and she lied, anyway. I found out thanks to the internet, and now I know. It's hard not to think about how many more times it happened, if any.
Anyway, I really have no luck. This last girl had mental problems in her family and she was pretty crazy as were the other two. I should've left because of that reason and many others, but I stayed like a fool. I stayed for the wrong reasons entirely and morally, the sex was great and she was beautiful. Other than that things sucked bad at the end, and the communication was terrible. I never thought about the communication issue until I read this thread, it is very important. I always felt like she was a little dead from the neck up, but after one point she rarely talked or responded to me.


I'm so sick of the bull#.

My husband's affair with an Intern ended our marriage. Here we go:

1. Suddenly, he was having to work longer hours. This sometimes included having to go to his office on the weekend, due to some type of pending emergency. He stopped coming home for dinner maybe three times a week, because he was so "busy". He would have to "grab a sandwich".

2. Out of nowhere, he took up racquetball. This meant going to play after work, and being gone all day Saturdays and Sundays.

3. I started getting a lot of "hang up" calls on the phone.
4. Bottles of wine started disappearing from the wine rack.
5. He bought a porsche.
6. He kept the quilt my grandmother made me in the trunk of said porsche. (Yes, whatever you are thinking was the reason, was probably the reason. Still makes me want to vomit. My grandmother's quilt!. I mean, get a room!)
7. I then accused him of having an affair. He told me I was losing my mind. I told him if I was losing my mind, I needed his help. Take me to a psychiatrist, and go with me and tell the doctor how crazy I am.. .....
He then backed down, telling me I'm not perhaps crazy, and perhaps he has done some things which might tend to indicate an affair, and he would try to do better.
8. He didn't.
The final blow: "we don't have anything in common anymore". (Oh. Our home, our family, our work, our marriage, but we don't have anything in common? Because I don't play racquetball? lol. (I'm embarrested to tell y'all I did try the racquetball. It just about killed me. I went once.) I hated it.
9. The ending scenario: I had tickets to a play, for "us". He didn't come home in time. I later learned he went to the play. He "bumped into her acidentally, and they wound up sitting together."
10. He came home at 10:30 pm that night in his nicest clothes. Not what he was wearing that morning when he left for work. I knew he had rushed home and changed before I got in from work. I packed and left.
End of story, end of marriage. Yes, yes, lawyers and lawsuits followed.
I did it, and I would do it again. The thing that triggered my vengeance, was his willingness to let me believe it was all in my mind. He if had just sat me down and been honest, it might have turned out a little better.

But how do you tell? It always starts with "having to work late".

Edit to add: I was just a little creeped out at putting anything this personal on ats. But as soon as I made the post, I felt instantly better!!!
Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





[edit on 9/16/0909 by ladyinwaiting]

Wow, I felt awkward about posting my experience also, but damn. It too made me feel slightly better. I really have no one to talk too anymore that listens.

I don't think I could ever take something like that happening and not get arrested. You are a strong person. Hopefully you meet a better man.

I honestly don't think i'll ever be able to trust a woman again in my life. It really seems that way. I have a hard time trusting people already from life experience, and from learning the truth about many things. I guess you can blame society partly for the cheaters, but everybody knows right from wrong.



-edit-
Nice avatar and great quote.

[edit on 16-9-2009 by tompumped]

Hi,I wanted to add something I though might help.

My current boyfriend and I have been going out for 5 years.
When we met I was 16 turning seventeen and he was 21.
I was very insecure as Ive seen men cheat on my mom too many times.
The fact that he watched porn really bothered me so I was constntly snooping around on his pc, I just had a feeling. Turned out he was chatting to chicks online while I was sleeping, and saving their slutty pics in hidden folders on the pc. To this day I cannot stand a blonde with bunny ears and a tongue ring!
In any case, I was distraught and didn't trust him one bit. Every time he had to work late(has his own business) I was pissed off at him. I was working two jobs at the time coz we were costantly fighting about money. I had to pay half of everything and earned not even a quarter of what he did.
The one night he picked me up from work and I could tell something was off. Got home, I asked him if there was someone else (expecting him to say no) His answer was "and if there is?". I played it cool to hear everything, who she was etc. etc. I got on top of him and stated punching him,how retarded and childish of me...
Turnes out his mom was sleeping in the spare bedroom and had been with my bf at this chicks house. Storm model by the way, She was also a meth addict.
They met at his work, she said "You should come visit me in Botriver sometime, It get's quite lonely there" His reply- " My gf doesnt like me talking to other chicks"
Anyway, we broke up, I met someone else(great guy, I was never worried about other girls) Broke up with him and got back with said ex.
Then, I cheated on him, but felt so bad I had to tell him.
The reason I cheated was because Ifelt like a maid and a whore. His buddies would stay at our house till 2 am in the morning, I had to cook for all of them, clean up and spend my evening alone. Then he would come to bed and expect me to be turned on enough to screw him. I said no way, he would say I dont give him wht he wants, blah blah blah. Also, a guy sitting on the pc till the early hours of the morning, and wants sex from me afterwards can get screwed! It takes alot more work than that, Im not that easy..

We are now back together, trust each other 100% and living happily ever after, how that worked, I have no clue.We have grown up..

But my point is, I think by being paranoid, pushed him to cheat by putting the idea into his head. Insecurity doesn't help one bit.
So, the law of attraction does work!
Now, if he wants to cheat, so be it. Im NOT LOSING SLEEP OVER IT. You cannot controll people. If it does happen again,from either side, im gone/he's gone.


[edit on 06/10/2009 by jinx880101]

reply to post by jinx880101


I don't want to think about it, but maybe she never cheated when I assumed she was cheating so long ago?
Like you said being paranoid might have drove her to cheat from my accusations for so long. I'll probably never know.
I'll have to read the law(s) of attraction I don't know anything about it, i'm interested.

reply to post by tompumped


Basicaly the law of attraction says that you (we) can think something into reality, the problem I have with this theory as it relates to cheating is that one must have some sort of suspicions or red flags to accuse their partner of being unfaithfull, so as I'm leaving work now I'll leave off with that until later, thanks for sharing all and I will also update a situation I just got out of as well, one prompting me to share the OP, till then take care guys and gals.

why if u met a nice guy,why did u go back to the nasty ex? i mean thats really a nasty thing a lot of girls do that makes us young men thing bad of girls -_-

It really isn't that simple.

It is like looking for signs of drug abuse. Sometimes a person is just stressed and nothing is wrong. Or Teh signs are obvious and you have missed them. But they tend to do a pretty good job of hiding it.

The psychology behind cheating is complicated. For men it can be anything that deals the ego a blow. Being fired, depression, grief. Too many life changes. They use cheating as a drug or alcohol. to whisk them away to somewhere else. Many report being perfectly happy in their marriages, and adore their wives. It has nothin to do with the marriage.

For women it does tend to have to do with marriage. Something is missing, either real or perceived.

Most likely it is internal.

But for cheating to happen, both parties check out. YOu stop talking and become roommates.

One of the hard parts of reconciliation is figuring how you both contributed to the hardships of the relationship.

And people do work through it, 95% in fact. People say that if they were cheated on, they would leave. But when it gets down to the nitty gritty, most don;t. those who don't is uusally because it gives a good oppurtunity to get out that they have been wanting. OR, it is an exit affair. You set it up for the spouse to find out and let you go.

As for boundaries, each couple has different boundaries. If you have never set them, you can't jump all over your spouse for talking to an ex through myspace, they may think it is harmless.

YOu need to set clear boundaries of what you think is unacceptable.

And yes, if you are very lax on those boundaries, your setting yourself up. Most guys think it is great to have a bi sexual gf. Guess what, she can leave you for the other girl. Also, because your so relaxed with the boundaries, she can easily ad another guy.

As for oppurtunity, they will create it if they can find it. I know, I was an other woman once a long time ago.

Stupid.

But it is amazing what they get away with..

And yes, the lies can be right to your face. I have tested it, it is easy to do.

Just go one place and say your at another, you will see how easily it is bought.

Because your SO trusts you.

After the affair is found out, the physcial part hurts, but not as bad as the breakdown of that trust.Men may be a little more concerned with physical, but that is the nature of the male. Women have a harder time with the emotional. As the saying goes, I would rather my man screw out of need then kiss out of love.

The one real inidcator is emotional distance.

[edit on 19-9-2009 by nixie_nox]