Molested as a kid

I was raped/molested by my older brother when I was younger. I never told anyone and Im trying to find out if its affecting my relationships/life right now.

I have a constant feeling of loneliness, depression, and a strong desire to be in a relationship. It doesnt seem to be happening for me. Im not happy, I dont feel I will ever be happy, or have ever been happy. I dont know if that experience is creating all of these problems subconciously or if Im just depressed b/c Im lonely.

Every relationship I have had with a guy (yes, Im gay, obviously not by choice) has failed, nothing serious ever comes of it, even the one I thought was developing this week. I met a guy, we hung out and clicked. I thought he was awesome, he thought I was sexy, etc. It seemed to work out perfectly, we stayed up all night talking, I ended up staying at his place. We didnt have sex, but we slept in the same bed, it was a perfect night. Semi-fairy tale, yet nothing happens. Why? Was I too attached to him too quickly? Did I do/say something that I didnt realize I did? Was it because I didnt put out? Or is my self-distorted image of myself really what I look like....? Whatever it was, its followed me through every brief relationship/semi-relationship Ive ever had.

I dont know what else to write. Im tired of crying at work, Im tired of crying on the way home. I have lost interest in everything and barely want to leave the house or eat. Youre probably thinking Im a dramatic 21-year-old gay guy, take this post how you want to, but any help you guys can give me would be great.

[edit on 20-8-2008 by confusedone]

reply to post by confusedone


I'm sorry that that happened to you!
And by a relative(brother)!!!
It's not your fault!!!!!

I have three boys and if anyone touched them wrong, I would be FURIOUS!

Confusion is a dark hole, where you can't seem to get out. I've been there. (not sexual orientation, but, other stuff!)
I had psychiatrists, psychotherapists, counsellors, nothing fixed me and they just made money!
I tried to kill myself MANY times and thank God it didn't work!

I asked Jesus to forgive me in 1993 and I have been a stable-minded, passionate woman ever since he fixed my broken life! (I was a MESS!)

[edit on 20-8-2008 by Clearskies]

reply to post by Clearskies



Thanks And I agree with you concerning the doctor situations. None of that has helped. As far as the God thing, I have lost all faith in God. Ive prayed for so many things, I tried to be a good Christian, attended church, was an altar boy, talked to God as a friend, but I got nothing. Yes, God works in mysterious ways, but it doesnt seem he's working at all in my life. The pain I walk around with everyday when I think about being molested, the images I get in my head, the tears I get from seeing couples walking around, it became overbearing sometimes and I would try to kill myself, yet would never work. Call it an Act of God if you want, I'd prefer to think of it as failed attempts.

Sorry if I offended anything with saying that, but my faith in God and religion in general is gone. Without a physical being showing himself to me, my mind is going to stay in the perpetual state of denial.

Originally posted by confusedone
reply to post by Clearskies

 

Without a physical being showing himself to me, my mind is going to stay in the perpetual state of denial.

It's funny that you should say that, because right after my 21 birthday, I asked,
"God, if you're real, show me".

I had a great heat go up and down my body!
I thought that made me 'saved'.

It wasn't until I was 23, that I SURRENDERED to Jesus and asked Him to forgive everything that I had done and I asked with faith.
I said, "God, I believe that your Son died for me, rose again the third day and forgive me".

BAM! I cried like a baby as a Love I have NEVER known before came over me and cleansed me like a little baby and Jesus put His arms around me!
I knew I was different right away, when the next morning I woke up and didn't need *snip* drugs or a cigarette to get going!
I floated around for about three days, like "wha?"

I'll be praying for you!

[edit on 20-8-2008 by Clearskies]

reply to post by confusedone



Hi

When everything seems lost and there is no answer you must remember that there is always an answer, no matter how bad things look, there is someone who trully cares about you.

Ask God for help, he will respond to your prayers.

And remember you do have a choice you can turn your life around.

All the best

Camilo

reply to post by confusedone


Hun I am so sorry you have been trough this.

I would encourage you to talk to a counselor/therapist. Yes I know, no one likes to hear those words, believe me. I sounds like you are really in a great deal of pain on the inside. A relationship WILL NOT heal you. You need to heal yourself so you can be in a healthy relationship.

I would encourage you to talk to a counselor/therapist.

ABSOLUTELY Wonderful advice...

I'm a big old tough Marine and I have been to counseling on many occasions due to some childhood issues as well as work issues...

Not a thing to be ashamed of or afraid of...

There are many that are free as well if you don't have the money for private counseling..

I know that you said you have lost faith in God, well remember that He has not lost faith in you.

Also remember that MANY Pastors are also very accomplished counselors in their own right..

And KEEP TALKING..... Don't hold it in...

Semper

Originally posted by semperfortis

I would encourage you to talk to a counselor/therapist.

ABSOLUTELY Wonderful advice...

Agreed, and Agreed.

I concede that not everyone has great experiences when it comes to therapy or counselors - sometimes it doesn't work for everyone. But I personally think that you should give it a shot.

Ultimately, no one can tell you what you need - because everyone is different. All we can do is share our own experiences, and hopefully one of them will work for you as well.

Sometimes all you need, is a friend, a shoulder. Sometimes you just need someone to hand you the tissue box. And sometimes, you just need to hear that everything is going to be alright.

Sometimes, timing is everything. If you aren't ready to face these issues - nothing will help you. You have to be ready to take that step to recovery - and sometimes - that step takes a while. You've made a step towards this, by coming here and asking for help. Keep it up. (ATS and BTS is a pretty good support system).

And KEEP TALKING..... Don't hold it in...

Again, I am in agreeance with Semper. Don't hold it in. Talking about it, getting it off your chest, can do wonders for you.

I hope you find the clarity you deserve, and I know you are going to get through this.

- Carrot

I would encourage you to talk to a counselor/therapist.

Oh thank goodness somebody said this already. We are truly not equipped to handle the pain you are experiencing now my friend. I really hope healing can begin. Just remember (and please religious folks, don't jump on my stinking case for this...I am not saying God or Allah or anyone can't help) but just remember that really only you can heal yourself. Yes a therapist is great but you have to be ready to engage before it will do any good.

I have been to a therapist for many issues in my life. I can't really compare in severity to yours and nobody on this board to include a therapist can really say if that truly effected you but I think most here can agree highly that the probability is extremely good that it did.

I will also agree with Semper that you need to release it. And as C_A said who knows what exactly you need. I am pretty sure many here will be listening to you as they are now.

Would it be terrible of me to ask what age it occured at for you? You can answer here, U2U me or even tell me to F off. I promise I won't have hard feelings either way.

Good luck

-Kyo

I'm very sorry about your experience. Please take hope.

reply to post by confusedone


You went through a horrible childhood and I wish you nothing but the best.

But as everyone else has already said, we can't help you, you have to go see a counsellor. Just give it some time and some patience with a counsellor, and eventually you will learn to come to grips with your past and you will be reborn.

Sorry I have nothing relevant to add, just wanted to show my support.

[edit on 21-8-2008 by ben420]

reply to post by ben420

just wanted to show my support.

Sometimes all it takes is support...

Semper

Have you been on antidepressants for this? If so did they help?

Originally posted by semperfortis
reply to post by ben420

 

just wanted to show my support.

Sometimes all it takes is support...

Semper

I'd like to pitch in my support as well.

In reference to the counselor suggestions (which are very on point) I would like to add that it is not their job to "fix" you. A great counselor's #1 job is to listen, truly listen to what you are saying without becoming emotionally involved and giving you suggestions as to how you might cope with it.

In therapy, you should learn tools that will help you "fix" yourself - nothing more, nothing less. Everyone is different and there are no 1-shot fix-alls to any problems.

It saddens me to have heard your story and I just wanted to let you know my heart goes out to you. You know from experience it seems that there is great evil in the world, I would just like you to know that there is great love and joy as well just waiting to be discovered.

My only other advise, from personal experience, would be for you to learn to love and appreciate yourself first before you search for someone else to do it. I would not be happily married to my wife, as I am today, had I not learned to appreciate and respect myself.

Good luck in your journey.

I am here in support 100%, agreed that some therapy could be the first step towards putting things in prospective. It will not matter what the the therapist says or does, it will matter to you that you took the issue into your own hands and moved forward with your life.

You are 21? Good age to start making a stand and becoming your own hero. With everything you survived you may not be able to change the past and what happened but you can acknowledge your inner child and from now forward do all you can to protect him and heal his pain.

Children are resilient, they have coping mechanisms that adults do not. When you decide to champion your inner child, it will create a bridge to the past where you can be there for him in his greatest time of need.

Remember that time is horizontal, and when we begin to rise in our awareness our consciousness that is a journey which is vertical.

If you would like some techniques u2u me and I will be happy to assist, but as stated above, laying all your cards on the table before a trainned professional will be the first solid step in your healing journey.

First work on yourself, do not be afraid to cry, as the tears are the purest form of prayer, and in time you will come to a point where you are not carrying a bunch of old baggage and will then meet people you connect with not out of need to fullfill some thing, but out of a mature readiness, an over flow of your inner most maturity.

Thanks for all the support guys. Im going to start looking for a therapist asap, seeing as now I realize I cant cope with everything going on alone.

To the poster who asked me how old I was, I would never tell anyone to F off I think I was about 7-8 when it happened, I dont remember much of it, just random images coming into my head sometimes. My brother told me it was a game and that it would be fun and I can distinctly remember certain positions and things he made me do. Being 7 or 8, i went along with it, I guess thinking it would make me a "big kid" or a grown up.

reply to post by confusedone


As everyone said, see a counselor. Find one that can help you learn to not let this past event consume you. That's what helps me whenever I fade into thinking about much of the abuse have experienced in the past, I try and tell myself that it s a part of my past but it is not a part of me and that I can't let it affect wo I am inside.

Well let me start by saying I am NOT a therapist yet. I haven't started nor completed my Masters but I will happily tell you a few things that have been shown and give you a suggestion or two when searching for a therapist.

It is very fashionable to hate Sigmund Freud but soemthing that some people fail to see is the amazing framework he laid down for students like myself and therapists. Believe it or not this is the zone in therapy I will be specializing in upon obtaining my Masters. I want to work with people from 11-20 or so because often times when emotional, physical, or sexual abuse manifests itself during these periods as the child has a tendency to bury it at the younger ages. Now what Freud made was what the ever-famous stages of psychosexual development. What many don't know is that when Freud said 'sex' in his native tongue it was a bit of a misinterpretation. Now regardless, he did still do a hell of alot of coke and smoked like a freight train but he laid out a concept we still use today.

In each stage of childhood from 0 years all the way to puberty and beyond we are in our formative years. In each stage if you do some emotional trauma to the child those areas he or she is attempting to develop can suffer greatly. The stage you would have been in is stage 4 or the Latent Stage.

This is characterzied by your period to learn about culture, developing friendships and starting to form what you value and hold dear.

This is a rough shortened paraphrasing of the following link (should you like to take a glance)

External Link

Anyway two things 'can' happen when someone is abused during a formative stage.

1. the development crucial to that time in your life can be damaged. As you can see, although his stages are not perfect, the word that pops out is freindship. Things of this manner can cause you to bury painful memories down and knowing that the ugliness is inside your brain somewhere, you begin to look only outward. That isn't a bad thing because it is never good to be too inwardly focused but if you take in all this information and never process it by looking inwards then you have your missed stage.

2. One of the things that has been discovered in the past decade or so is that in a case like yours a second process get's stunted. That process is emotional maturity. You obviously moved on and went through school and physically you may have turned out fine but again lacking that inner focus at that age, part of your emotional maturity could have been haulted and you may not have developed it yet.

Now that may be enough but there is but a third problem in your specific case. This was done by someone you trusted and in a vulnerable state.

3. Whenever a crime is commited or an atrocity is commited to you it is a terrible thing. When it is done by a trusted member of the family or a good friend then you make the problem more complex because now you subconsciously can begin to wonder if you can trust these people around you anymore.

Now I know this all sounds terribly dismal but trust me there is a super bright ray of light with all of this. I am again saying I am not a therapist but if some of this is true about you or when you DO discover all the truth about it that is the HARDEST step next to admitting the problem. After that it get's so much easier.

so think about this...

Have you admitted it yet? (points to your brave thread) Yes you have and I salute you for it

Have you discovered the truths yet? (I think you are starting to)

Do you have a support system in place outside of therapy? (very important) Well look around you at these people here...I would say a BIG yes :-p

Welcome to the beginning of healing my friend. I promsie you nothing I just was sarcastic or rude. It was indeed hopeful and honest. The therapy you attain WILL be difficult and rocky at times but just picture what awaits you when you are through.

Now for the suggestions...

There are probably a good 50 different types of psychology training and what may help you save time and money is to figure out what you want to correct or assist in your life. So here is a couple of types of therapists you can look for depending on what you wish to reslove. Feel free to ask them the school of psychology they follow.

If you have bad traits or negative self talk or a certain activity or conversation that keeps getting you in trouble it would be beneficial to search for a Cognitive-Behavioral Psychologist for that.

They can be rare and hard to find but if the issue is more of a loniliness and you can't really figure out what you are feeling (confusion and such) I would try to find an Existential Therapist

There are alot but feel free to also ask them if they specialize in anything.

Well good luck and I wish you absolutely nothing more than the best.

EDIT: FORGET AN IMPORTANT LINK

This is a listing of APA recognized psychologists in the US. It is searchable by location, zip code, and radius

APA Psychology Finder

-Kyo


[edit on 21-8-2008 by KyoZero]

You need to seek theoropy for what has happened to you. If you do not, it will be a constant cycle of bad realationships and sabatajing the good ones.

I encourage you to seek out a gay community center anywhere near your area if you have one. These people will make sure you find a therapist that is gay friendly and will genuinely listen to you. As far as relationships go easy and make friends. relationships do not come easy nor cheap. Friendships that grow into relationships always have a stronger base than jumping into anything right off.