She's going out with ex for the weekend (just friends)

Yea I'd rather get with someone that had no kids and my age, but we don't always get what we want now do we? I have been with only older woman, none my age. Hard to find those I guess. And the older women all seem the same.

sorry, jca2005. but orangetom1999 got it right. she likes being mistreated because thats all she got in life. and try not to hook up with women that have package. but i personally dont get women, theres no pleasing them, one day they want us to be nice the other they want us bad. whats the deal.

Originally posted by Crakeur

Originally posted by jca2005
So ATSers am I doing the right thing by already telling her no man would put up with it, and not talk to her anymore or am I just being to jealous and they are just friends?

you are just being jealous but it is understandable.

relationships are founded on trust and this should be viewed as a major test of that trust. let her know you are not happy that she didn't give you the full details of the visit and let her know that, while the situation makes you uncomfortable, you have no choice but to let her do what she wants. If, after this weekend, she is still not with the ex, you have proven yourself to be one hell of a guy and the relationship should blossom from there. If she winds up back with the ex, so be it. It will hurt but you will have avoided the sneaking around and the future pain and anguish and that pain and anguish would probably have been far worse as your relationship might have been at a much higher level.

There's also the possibility that she views your jealousy and lack of trust in a horrible light and, even though this "visit" from the ex was nothing, you have now blown it.

man up and let her do her thing.

That pretty much sums it up perfectly. Give her some room and see where she goes with it. Then you'll be able to see whether or not it is worth persuing a relationship with this girl or not.

If she ends up hurting you then, that's life eh? Time heals all wounds and you WILL get over it and there ARE other girls out there who will treat you how you deserve to be treated.

I've had to repeat that mantra to myself a few times in the past And let me tell you, it helps.

Good luck brother. I'm rootin for ya.

Both me and my girl say, "Forget about it" (in our finest Italian accent).

I don't know how far she is from you, but I doubt she's worth the trouble. It's only been 1 month and this drama is kicking up.

I think we've all had a relationship where someone acts shady like that in the 1st month... and it never turns out good.

Good luck.

reply to post by jca2005


Mate unfortunately 99.9999% of woman are liars and are bigger players than men.What they tell you and than what they do are polar opposite.They tell you "dont worry baby theres no one else" but that just means theres no one else im gunna tell you about.They tell you "Dont worry babe im no flirt" For woman flirting is like breathing.And if they tell you "babe i dont even talk to my ex anymore"or"me and my ex are just friends now"go check her phone it will tell you a different story, i mean cmon how many of youre exs still call you for a lil something??Exactly.
You got two choices dude (1)Kick her to the curb and move on or (2)Turn the tables and play her (its not cheating if shes already playing you its just called an open relationship!)

reply to post by jca2005



its been one month, shes got kids, youve already taken a sucker punch but your contemplating going back for more?
you should have more self worth than that.

then again, i knew a guy and both women he lived with in the past 14 years were abusive moles.
he used to complain complain all the time, one day i told him straight... "you like em like that or you wouldnt pick up the lonely chick drowning her sorrows with a few glasses at the pub. you either dont put up with it, or shut up about it"

that dude just willingly let himself be lead around by his testicles.
what a monkey

Originally posted by Azador
You got two choices dude (1)Kick her to the curb and move on or (2)Turn the tables and play her (its not cheating if shes already playing you its just called an open relationship!)

Like I said earlier in a post above, I have been there, I know what I am doing.

jca2005,

I am with Obliv_au on this one...

Let us look at this from a bigger picture than just our immediate egos or ego needs...or even our ego justifications.

While I thought of this in my earlier posts..I did not dwell on it. It is now time to dwell on it.

According to your accounts there are three kids involved in this . Who was looking out fo the three kids when she was off with an olde beau??

While you dont have much time invested in this...it came across as if she had a burning desire to run back to her olde roots. I am forced to ask myself how many times these three kids have paid the price for this kind of behavior. This is just the way I think. Most men hardly dwell on such a concept..but I can assure you a woman would....so would many of the women here reading your posts.

This jca2005 is your real yardstick of behaviors and worth. If she will do this to you ..would she do this to her kids for another crack at bat.
I have seen alot of this behavior. Often expost facto..but it eventually occured to me. Guys are usually much slower in this arena than are most women...

Oh..and for your informations...women your age ...it is difficult to find women your age who do not have one or two children. This woman you are describing..some are becoming grandmothers. Be ready out here to meet women mostly with children and deal with it. BE ready for these women to substitute your value system with thiers. That is how they tend to qualify a man for a job opportunity. This woman in her subtilty managed to substitute your thinking and beliefs with hers. Enough to quiet down your concens. Well done jca2005. I am sure the next woman down the pipeline can spot you out too. LOL LOL..keep being a nice guy and trying out for approval. You know what I am talking about???...like baseball tryouts.
Except that you can run for her touchdowns...too.

Another thing. This most important. Just because a woman does not abuse in the manner as does a man ..make no mistake ..it is still abuse. It seldom gets so labeled abuse because most men are so stupid that they set up conditions for at least half of the abuse to happen. These women just take advantage of a mans natural stupidity. Most men will never admit to that much stupidity..but it is actually stupidity. Most women will not publically admit to it either. They dont want the light of day on this type of behavior..but it is contingent on nice guys like you being stupid.
Sorry if I am dogging you but it needs to be said. Your going to run into alot of this type out here among the wildlife..be prepared.

More info for you to consider..not just as regards this particular woman ..but the next one too...and he next one and next one et al.

Hey Obiiv_au...I know several of those guys you are describing. I get tired of listening to them after awhile ..it is always the same olde same olde..drama. I tell myself ...ok..here we go again..what is it now. It is like these guys live under a raining cloud all the time. They never seem to know Peace in thier lives. It is like these women transfer their drama onto these guys and get them jumping to thier tune. It is sickening and tiring.

Orangetom

Originally posted by jca2005

Like I said earlier in a post above, I have been there, I know what I am doing.

Hmm. If you know what you're doing why did you post here asking for advice?

Sounds like you are stuck on her and are trying to find ways to justify behavior you know is problematic.

You're justifying both your behavior (being too trusting) and hers (overtly playing you).

IOW, she's not only playing you behind your back, she's playing you in plain sight.

Good luck, though.

JC, i have to agree with Badge on the fact if all was sweet in the world of romance you wouldnt be posting on a forum asking advice from total strangers.

so far its clear to most of us as to how this relationship is.

at #1, we have her ex. he has ALL the power including power over you, because he clearly has total power over her.

#2 is the woman. she is clearly still seeing her Ex, and when on the emotional rebound she comes to you, your her "Fall guy".
women on the rebound will never stay long.

#3 4 + 5 are the kids. they will always be above you and they probably know that already.

at #6, we have you... your the SIXTH person in this relationship.
you have no power over her or her ex, yet they both have power over you.

mr Ex has this woman at his feet. he uses her then pushes her away when HE'S had enough.. as shes about to fall you emotionally prop her up, when youve re-inflated her confidence enough she stands back up only to be running back into her Ex's life... lather, rinse, repeat.

you said its a long distance relationship too since you met her on holiday and have to resort to TXT a lot. (read: emotional relationship, not a physical one)

youve admitted you was lied to by her, that makes you the fall guy, only there for emotional support when she's on the rebound from Mr Ex.

and now your turning to an internet forum for your support and advice.
your heart strings are being played like a cheap guitar from a pawn shop.

at the end of the day its your business and your problem if you like being emotionally played as the fool, just as it was for the mate i mentioned above.

i just dont understand why people need to discuss in depth and ask for advice on things that they claim they are in complete control of?

It is not abnormal for people to be friends with their ex's. However what is kind of abnormal in this situation is that she kinda tried to hide it from you. That is a red flag to me.

If you have to "dog" a woman to get her to fall for you than she is not the right girl for you. The ball is actually in your court and you have a few options. You need to know that you do not own her and can not tell her what to do with her life, but you can certainly decide what is right for you.

You could either decide to trust her until she gives you a clear reason not to. If you find that they really are "just friends" than that's great. If you find that there are still feelings there, you can not demand that she change, but you can decide for yourself whether to stay and deal with it or bail out.

The second option is to take the easy route and bail out now.

The most innocent explanation I can think of for her actions is that she is trying to play her ex to get some benefit for her kids. IDK what, money?

If so, she may have wanted to keep this from you so you wouldn't think she was back with him, or that she would play someone.

Well, she still hid the truth and she still showed manipulative behavior.

Ex-es will have uh, relations with their former at the drop of a hat. Sympathy sex, comfort sex, etc., even if they are not still in love with them, b/c they know their ex is safe and familiar.

If you were to drop her, guess what? She'd be having sympathy sex with her ex in a matter of an hour, guaranteed. Boo-hoo, b/f dumped me.

Is that the kind of person you want, who acts out on those impulses in the first month of your relationship?

Going to spend a weekend with a former sexual partner and lying about it to your future (current?) sexual partner is just disrespectful and manipulative.
Maybe the ex is the children's father and she has some legitimate business with him but why couldn't you come along if it's just business? If they're just friends and having coffee or something, why couldn't you come too?
Sympathy sex or comfort sex with someone who dumped you for another partner is not safe sex. I'd ask for a letter of clearance from the CDC before hooking up with this woman.
It may all be legitimate as she says but she's handling the situation badly and without respect for your concerns. Either she's too stupid to have a mature relationship or she doesn't care about your feelings. Either way, she needs educatin'. How you choose to "educate" is your choice but you do need to make some sort of stand to save what's left of your dignity and self-esteem. Good luck, bro.

Actually, her ex is not the father of her kids. She has been separated from her husband for 2 years waiting for her divorce to go through. Her kids were at their grandparents for the weekend when this happened.

[edit on 5-5-2008 by jca2005]

reply to post by jca2005


can i ask you something, Why do you like her? thats all i want to know right now because she doesnt sound too good, this aint europe you know.

Originally posted by jca2005
Actually, her ex is not the father of her kids. She has been separated from her husband for 2 years waiting for her divorce to go through. Her kids were at their grandparents for the weekend when this happened.

[edit on 5-5-2008 by jca2005]

Wow!!! I know this woman!! Lots of women like this!!

Waiting for her divorce to go through?? Obviously she is handling and directing the divorce..paying for it too. You know..taking risks to get it done..not waiting for others to do it and pay the expenses etc etc. Flashdancing her through all the risks? You know what I mean???
But then when a little excitement comes into town ..call in the pit crew to take responsibility. Bang..down the road in afterburner mode!!

Deep...jca2005...very deep!!!

Nothing quite like a pit stop and a good pit crew before racing back out on the track.

LOL LOL LOL...deep..very deep!! Are you thinking yet???

Orangetom

So you mean she has kids and instead of spending her tax money on her kids or saving it to benefit them, she gives it to some boyfriend? Also, not only is she spending time with her ex and lying about it, but she is leaving her kids with family members to do it which tells me that they may be doing some adult things.

By the way, how often does she leave her children w/family members in order to go out? I don't know man, sounds like a bad situation to me. I would walk away, she has way too much baggage. I am a single mom of 2 myself but this girl seems very irresponsible.

Originally posted by snowflake_obsidian
So you mean she has kids and instead of spending her tax money on her kids or saving it to benefit them, she gives it to some boyfriend? Also, not only is she spending time with her ex and lying about it, but she is leaving her kids with family members to do it which tells me that they may be doing some adult things.

By the way, how often does she leave her children w/family members in order to go out? I don't know man, sounds like a bad situation to me. I would walk away, she has way too much baggage. I am a single mom of 2 myself but this girl seems very irresponsible.

Actually its her husband's parents. She has to let them see her kids every other week. That is when she usually goes out.

reply to post by jca2005


tell her to take care of her kids, dont know how but leave her and tell her its because shes a bad girlfriend and a bad mother. I dont like mothers who prioritizes her social life over her children and leaving kids at family members = is like leaving them with a catholic priest.

Originally posted by DuneKnight
reply to post by jca2005

 

tell her to take care of her kids, dont know how but leave her and tell her its because shes a bad girlfriend and a bad mother. I dont like mothers who prioritizes her social life over her children and leaving kids at family members = is like leaving them with a catholic priest.

Lol, your right about that. However it is court ordered. He is trying to take the kids from her. She, and her family give me the same story that he was crazy, jealous all the time, and had her fired from different jobs. She doesn't even have a job now, nobody has accepted her applications. She doesn't have a ged either. I'm starting to believe maybe she did something to make her husband that way.