Always being told "You're Stupid"...doesn't sit right with me

Wow, look at all of us. We could form our own BTS support group.

Whatever you decide to do Ducky darling (I personally vote for leaving, abusive men don't change), you've got lots of people here that care and want the best for you.

Originally posted by MajorMalfunction
(the best you might get is, I'm sorry your feelings got hurt, or I'm sorry you didn't understand what I meant

Oh man, do these ever sound familiar. You forgot the other classic 'Can't you take a joke?'.

I am so sorry you are having problems especially at this time of year.

You were not born into this world to be treated badly and made unhappy.
Life is way too short to put up with mistreatment from anyone.

I've been married four times and been very hurt mentally and physcially. But I did not put up with it long. No one is going to steal my joy for very long.

Love is wonderful but it can hurt more than anything I've ever felt.

Ducky I wish the best for you.

Marilyn

Not so good with all the Emotional shenananaganns!!

So I'll just bugger off, but first I'll throw in a couple of big warm monkey hugs!!

(There is a serious lack of male presents in this thread!!!!)

hugshugs

Keep smiling Ducky

MonKey

x x

Originally posted by ChiKeyMonKey


(There is a serious lack of male presents in this thread!!!!)

How about a nice scarf or a pair of earrings.

On a more serious note...

Life is to short to put up with any kind of BS from anybody.
You're not Stupid!!!

reply to post by ChiKeyMonKey


I`m male

I dont think anyone male or female has the right to interfere in someones marriage,it come down to the two who are in it.

I can easily read and respond like wise as others have done,abuse is wrong full stop.A marriage however should be seen as greater than either of you.

It comes down to this do you love him or not,I think you do.

If thats correct that you do, though your sick to death of name calling out of his fear of inadequacies making him feel less of a man reinforced by your thoughts and feeling toward him,I like to suggest somethings........

Both drop things and this issue a truce if you will,take a holiday together relax and get back to enjoying each others company away from the stress`s and strains of everyday life.

Later on,maybe look into seriously a business that the pair of you could run together as an option of full time work for him in his later years of his life,choose something you both would enjoy.

You only live once,if you love each other and I`d say that you do from the little I know.Dont throw it all away without seeing other options.

Here`s some chill music and wise words for the both of you.


Edit to add,
I`m calling myself stupid,I dont know how some vids come up and some not?

Have to click the botton link for it to work.




[edit on 15-12-2007 by gps777]

Hey, Ducks, I'd like to recommend two books for you, that you can probably find at Amazon or EBay. They may help you figure out what to do, and they'll definitely help you find some strength to do what needs to be done. These two books are the ones that opened my eyes and finally allowed me to break free of the abuse of my marriage.

Why Does He DO That? by Lundy Bancroft

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

They're the best two books on verbal and emotional abuse I've read since I left my marriage, and I've gone through at least a dozen.

Originally posted by MajorMalfunction
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

I have to second this recommendation. It is an excellent book.

There's no need to go to Amazon or EBay either. There is a copy sitting on my bookshelf right now with your name on it. If you'd like it, send me a u2u. We could call it a birthday present.

reply to post by Duzey


I'm definately going to take up on MM's suggestion.

If YOU, Duzey, are suggesting these books too, I'm batting 2 for 2 now.

I very much appreciated you posting with me, those wee hours, this past Fri. night. Just wanted you to know that. I was getting tired at one point, and had to log off. Needed the sleep.

It's been quiet on the homefront for almost a week now. Don't know if it's because of the holiday season, or the fact that I stood my ground and said that I wasn't going take any more crap.

I actually gave the guy an ultimatum. Smarten up or GET THE HELL OUT. Period.

At one point, it got to a screaming match. I dug my feet in, and didn't let up. Didn't snarl my teeth, just put ALOT of strength behind my words, and didn't take any guff. Kids wern't around at the time; thank goodness, so I had the stage all to myself. I basically 'mirrored' what he said to me, until he ran out of things to say. When he and I were finally calmed down, I offered him a cup of tea. He accepted. Then I said in a very calm voice:
"Let's talk about how WE can get you on the job market again."

~Ducky~

reply to post by TheDuckster


That's what friends are for, right?

I'm glad to hear you laid down the law and took back some control.

You know what? He's only trying to make himself feel worth more by calling you stupid.

HE is the stupid and incompetent one! Tell him to get off his ars and get a job like everyone else.
Also tell him to stop embarrasing HIMSELF. I dont know about these men that have to make you feel small and take away your self worth, just so they feel better.

He may have been 'nice' in the past, but he no longer is. He's trying to break you down, dont let him. You're a hellof a lot more intelligent and a better person than he is. I get mad when i hear these things because i live with a grouch who would love for me to feel incompetent and at times even tells me my cooking sucks. That's when all the food gets dumped in the trash can.
He tried to bring me down, it hasnt worked in years and it never will. You think he'd give up, right??? Hell, no! Now mine works and pays the bills but his mouth can move mountains.
I get in his face and he backs down most of the time. Scru that!!!

If he breaks a dish, i break two. I'm not advocating violence, but i am advocating force if you have to to make him back OFF!

I have mine under control like this. If hes' in a good mood, everything is ok. If he's in a bad mood, i stand up to him till he backs down.

He was a sargeant in the Marine Corps and he thinks he still is and i'm his troop. To that i say : Bull!!!!!

Stand your ground and tell him the way it has to be and what you expect, if he wont give it to you, get out.

Seriously, this just makes me so mad, and i wish i could help you.

Wow Ducky this is a pretty rough situation to be in and you have some serious decisions to make. I am not going to tell you to take it easy on the man, you been easy enough on him 5 years is far to long to wallow in ones own self pity. But I don't believe you are quite ready to just up and leave either but that after this much time you may have no choice. The pattern has gone on for so long he may never be able to break out of it.

At this point I would tell you he just needs to get a job, it doesnt matter what the job is McDonalds, Walmart any place that will take him. It isnt the job that is important, but the getting out and actually doing something. To build the confidence, and really at this point he has been out of work for so long he needs to cut his teeth again.

Be patient, be loving, but be firm if he doesn't get it go. With some men you leaving will act as a wake up call, other times it will just be a song and a dance to get what they want. Unfortuantely I made mistakes and while I wasn't abusive, i was something worse I was neglecting. And sadly just when she did what i needed her to do , leave. It was to late. Well its cool I made the mistakes and now I pay for them. Now I just take them as they come and try to enjoy myself. I wish you the best but by all means put your foot down and stand firm, it can and does work wonders.

Wow,

I have been thinking quite a lot on this subject lately, I then read this thread and say "WoW". Most of the time you here of abuse from the man on the woman as is the case with this thread. Previously my idea of abuse was the physical type of abuse, never did I really associate it with a verbal type of abuse until several years ago. As I write this I contemplate not even posting it because I fear I may not be correct and be totally at fault, and I also fear from the point of my masculinity because "Men don't get abused" I as a man however am learning that is not true. I write and open my heart that some one may offer me insight to help me make sense of things and make the right decisions in my life. I suppose to understand you must have some backround information... I have been married for 13 years goinig against my intincts that told me something wasn't quite right. Regardless I married a beautiful, sweet, and innocent woman that can have a heart of gold. I Guess I always felt that something was wrong but could really never identify with it until the last couple of years. The progression of things started slowly constantly escalating. In the begginning I guess I lost control or she took control I really don't know but the control issues started immediatley with her taking over the finances and determining what and how much money we would spend. I would be yelled and and critiszed for taking $20.00 out of the ATM and not asking her first. I was constantly being told "if I don't like it then leave". She constantly threatened to throw my things out hte door and soon began calling me names. Please bear in mind this wasn't constant at first and I was going crazy because I thought I loved her and I should be with her forever. I never knew what to expect and I never knew when she would loose it. Now when I say loose it! i mean go completely crazy screaming verbal insults and phyiscally attacking me. The best I could do was try to refrain her by holding her arms until she would subside enough for one of us to take off. During and after these episodes I was and am made to feel as though it was my fault for her attack and she was justified in doing so based on my actions. After the first year I got a part time job in addition to my fulltime job specifically so I could have a little bit of spending money. Most of which she ended up getting anyway. We had our ups and downs over the years but the patterns of behavior grew more consistant and more frequent over the years which is currently an almost every day occurrance. I believe that it has gotten worse because of some of my actions. Being a fiercely independant person I tried to conteract her controls by taking away her financial controls by doing things such as getting part time jobs, starting my own business. We have tried counsellling several times the first time we were told we could not be seen together until my wife was seen alone. This she did for a while and then was told she stopped going due to the counselor telling her she should divorce me and began taking Zoloft prescribed by her doctor. During this time I was being accused of having ADD ADHD and a bunch of other abriviated things. I conceeded went and got tested and was told not to waste my time because I had no problems. Over the years I lost most of my friends. She didnt approve or I couldn't go because I needed to be with her. Her friends were always pushed on me while I saw all of mine fade away. Over the years I guess I closed up to her. I never know if anyhthing I do or say would set her off. Somethign always happens sometimes several times a day. No matter what I know will instictively spasm back when she leaps towards me while spewing profanities and accusations at me. I don't know what to do and I second guess myself believing I am the cause of her actions. I could go on and on but I can't. I am emotionally and physically drained. My once great zest for life is gone and I am but a shell of my former self. I can not emotionally share myslelf with her for fear of being called stupid or dumb. I can not argue for she is always right. She does not hear my point of view but rather uses screams of insults and profanity until I give in to her current whim. Financially I am trying to work out our mess. She had over $70,000 in credit card debt from spending sprees. This to is my fault because my business should be making more money. I know I am certainly not the perfect man and I'm sure difficult but she tells me this is normal every husband and wife are like that. Although the physical is quite rare the verbal is constant. the names and insults hurt and i'm begginning to see signs of her behavior in our children.

reply to post by photobug


Wow...
That's quite the situation you have. Boy oh boy.

I try not to give out info, where relationships are concerned. (I'm the 'blind' leading the blind.)

So I'll just call it: "Note comparing"

There are many types of abuse out there. i.e. physical, mental, verbal, sexual, financial. etc. I'm sure people will post to the ones I've forgotten to list. Appologies.

What stands out in my mind, are a few things you mentioned:

1. Emotional, physical, verbal, financial abuses
2. Children involved; imitating parents actions
3. YOUR sense of well-being - going down the tubes

Please correct me if I'm wrong; as these are sensitive issues, and I want to see if I understand where you're coming from.

It sounds as though you have been, not only a stronghold for your family, but also what I call, "a whipping/sounding board" for another person's frustrations. I can understand the feelings of 'being depleted/spent'.

This is a case where 'going it alone' may not be the best. You need to look at what 'if any' existing support structures you have; to bring them to the forefront to your defense. Family/friends/Councelling?

Also? How do you 're-charge' your batteries? It sounds like you are tapped out at the moment.

Another big point I want to bring up (most importantly) is the children. They are un-wittingly going to repeat these cycles of abuse as they grow older, and God forbid, to one of their future spouses/girlfriends. We ALL have to break these cycles, if not for ourselves, then those whom we hold dear to our hearts.

The hardest thing that people can do is to 'make a stand'; stick to our guns. Fear is holding you in its sick grip right now, and fear is keeping you from (honestly) doing the right things, to better your self esteem.

Alot of people would tell you to get the hell out. Only YOU can decide what is best for YOU. Remember, you and I haven't met face to face, I don't know the actual details; other than from what you posted in here, and I have to take things at face value.

Remember also, that WHAT you decide to do, you're children are involved.

Talk with a close friend. Please don't bottle things up.

Whether we see answers to our problems or not, the solutions are THERE. Don't give up!

If you need to vent, come back in here. I and others would be more than happy to talk 'with' you, not 'at' you. There is a difference.

~Ducky~

Originally posted by gps777
reply to post by ChiKeyMonKey

 

Here`s some chill music and wise words for the both of you.

Here's a hand with your vid. (note - leave no spaces between the brackets and the code next time.

Hope this helps.

reply to post by photobug


Oh boy. I'm not sure what to say and that doesn't happen very often. Ducky hit the high points though.

I would like to say it was brave of you to post your story. We don't hear much about husband abuse (social stigma?) but it certainly exists. Most of the resources for spousal abuse are directed toward women. I wonder if there are any online groups that you could join, like on Yahoo or something? I found it very helpful when I started talking to others who shared my situation.

We're here for you, if you need to talk. No judgements, just support.

I don't mean to be flippant.

But I feel that I must chime in.

I am an amateur geologist. (a rockhound)
I am familiar with the locations of MANY abandoned mineshafts in Nevada.

[edit on 8-1-2008 by spacedoubt]

thanks ducky and duzy,

I'm not trying to derail the original posters thread but reading the post just kind of put things into perspective for me. I realize I may have gone a little overboard but I tried to summarize the best I could. It's kind of hard to write about years and put it into 6500 characters.

Hmmm lets see a stronghold for my family? I suppose in a way I may be although I feel that perhaps I give in much too easily. As I said in my previous post many times I simply end up giving in and doing as she wants for it seems the better alternative than being screamed insults at. In regards to our childern it is becoming equally as difficult because she is constantly switching moods and actions. An example Since the day they were born we have tried to instill in them the fact that they need to sleep in their own rooms but way too many times one or both end up finding their way in to our bed. I don't mind them ocassionally crawling into bed with us but it is becoming a daily occurance. What happens next just totally frustrates me. She will begin getting irratated acting all bent out of shape "I can't sleep this is f...ing rediculous, put them to bed" So I do and as all kids do they will begin throwing a fit which I refuse to give in to. The next thing I know mom is cauldling them and telling them it's okay mommy will let you sleep in here. This stuff happens all the time. We work hard at teaching our kids the right and proper things but so many times I find myself being betrayed by her allowing them to do what we just told them they could not do. I can tell them 5 minutes to bedtime and when that time approaches she extends it 5 more minutes, the next commercial etc etc until an hour later they are still not in bed. It gets really old when I tell them to do something and then I am constantly being gone against. As a result my children now know that when they don't so as they are told and I exert my authority over them all they need to do is simply throw a fit and mommy will come to the rescue. We have talked about the importance of being of one mind when it comes to discipline and while she agrees her actions are a totally differant matter. I mentioned that I am starting to see signs of her behaviors in them, just like I saw signs of my wifes behavior from her mother. This really scares me becasue I don't want my children growing up thinking t is oaky to yeall and scream until you get what you want nor do I want them thinking that it is normal behavior to use profanity and call people names. I try to counter act these behaviors by letting them know that that type of behavior is wrong and just because mommy does it, that doesn't mean it is right. I didn't say my first sear word until I was 16 or 17 I don't even think I knew they existed until I was 10 or 11. I Know have a 5 year old and a three year old that have both spoken things I woud be ashamed to say to this day.

As far as recharging my batteries I do the best I can I have many hobbies I enjoy but I have to practice them away from my home or hide them out of fear that she will use them against me. Case in point I have always wanted to learn to play an musical instrument. I have talked about it for many many years most of the time I was laughed off. This year I decided I was going to do it. I purhcased a violin and a few lessons and my goal was for it to be a surprise and play a few songs at christmas time for my family. A month prior she came to my buisness which she has done maybe 10 times in the last seven years, and found the violin. Oh boy did I get it bad everyname in the book, every thing I have ever done came out in that episode. I am not allowed to practice in my home and I won't leave it for fear of it being smashed. As far as other downtime I enjoy camping and hiking and try to escape away on a trip once or twice a year. My other down time is my office where I will retreat as much as possible just to avoid being at home with her. We rarely take trips together because it is a miserable experiance.

I don't know if some of these behaviors are manipulative or what but they sure seems to be. Is this a classic trait of someone trying to extort force and control over another. She has torn pictures up of old girlfriends, Ran off all of my old friends, and trys to control everything I do. I feel like a slave. I wanted to write about our seperation two years ago but I'll save that for next time.

Thanks for listening, It at least helps me to write these feeling out

reply to post by spacedoubt


Thanks I'll keep that in mind lol

reply to post by photobug


Lets just say that your not alone......

reply to post by TheDuckster


Good for you...Keep it up...Dont give in...That maybe just the wake up call he needed..BUT..If he doesnt stick to it, I would agree with everyone else. It maybe time to go. Especially for the kids. They do not need to see this type of abuse. It will stick with them. They will begin to think that it is alright to treat people this way. To treat you this way.