Always being told "You're Stupid"...doesn't sit right with me

I've come to understand that BTS is the perfect place to vent.

I've been with someone for the past 11 years.

We've had our ups and downs.

However, within the last 'while', I've been subjected to verbal/financial/emotional abuse.

I don't like 'airing my dirty laundry', however I feel the need to get things off my chest (even at this hour- 10:53pm) and let everyone know just HOW sick and tired I am with the whole sha-bang.

I feel like I'm being taken for granted/taken advantage of.

The man I'm living with now, hasn't worked a steady job in over 5 years. (Part Time in between jobs doesn't cut it) He held down a job for well over 15 years when I met him. He was laid-off 5 years ago.

From what I've seen in the last few years, this man is in my opinion:

Is Scared. Scared of taking his 'natural-born talents' and experiences, and moving on towards another job. Scared of interviews.

Before he got laid off, from his job, he was the most giving individual that God ever put breath in.

But now, he has an attitude of: "What's in it for me?" "F-You, and all that"

He has done A HELL OF A LOT for my family, but....

...I feel like it's a 'tit for tat' senerio right now.

Many of you might think/say to me right now:

1. Go easy on the guy
2, Nothing personal

NO...IT'S NOT THAT....

He's verbally/emotionally/financially abusive right now. To be honest with you guys right now? I've been hitting the 'aspirin bottle', on a day-to-day basis.

I hear the words:

You're STUPID...all the time.

This man has pulled an about 180 degrees and is the MOST NEGATIVE individual there is.

I am SOOOOOO SICK of hearing his NEGATIVITY...you have NO idea. Every single day: The negative remarks/negative gestures/negative friggin everything.

I could have shares in 'Aspirin' Stocks.

****

Leave him?

I very well could...and just might.

I'm tired of him telling me that I'm STUPID. That everything I do is rediculous.

It's VERY HARD for me to up-keep my Residential Cleaning Service; taking care of ALL the bills, and at the same time...having this person berate me.

~Ducky~

I don't expect anyone to sympathize or negatatize with me.

I probably don't expect much from anyone at this point.

~Ducky~

Are you married to my ex-husband by any chance?

Yeah, being verbally abused does get old after a while. My solution was to leave. Life's too short to let someone else make you feel like crap.

reply to post by Duzey


Leaving the hub?

pffttt...sounds pretty good to me at this point.

I don't have any qualms...even around Christmas time.

~Ducky~

I don't know about you but I was always waiting for the 'right' or 'good' time to leave. Finally I realized there was never going to be a right or good time so I decided one day that the next time it happened, I was leaving.

It just happened to be when I got home from work that night. I walked in the door, packed a suitcase, left a cheque for the next months rent (I'm not a total cow ) and called my sister to come and get me.

Maybe it's just me, but it kind of sounds like your hubby might be struggling with a bit of depression. That doesn't excuse the behaviour though.



[edit on 14-12-2007 by Duzey]

reply to post by Duzey


You hit the key word right on the head:

Depression.

Duzey? Were you ever called 'Stupid', and mabey other such choice words?

When YOU hit the doorway of your home...were you prepared to leave in an instant...did you falter? Did you just kick the guy out?

~Ducky~

reply to post by TheDuckster


I was called many things during my marriage, and stupid was indeed one of them. My husband was very cruel.

Once I had made up my mind, I didn't falter. I knew when I left work that day that I was leaving. I got home and he started into me (it was pretty much a daily occurance), I walked in the bedroom, packed a suitcase and garbage bag full of clothes, told him I was leaving him and walked out the door. I went back once (with backup) to pick up some more of my things.

Leaving that relationship was by far the hardest thing I have ever done, and I had to do it while I had the strength and will. I wasn't emotionally strong enough to go through it again - I was afraid if I didn't follow through, I would never get up enough courage again and I couldn't live my life like that.

I didn't kick him out, I left. Being childless and renters, it seemed the best and easiest choice for me.

reply to post by Duzey


I'm on the brink - so to say.

Disgusted enough to pound the 'ever living crap outta him'. That's how I feel.

~Ducky~

reply to post by TheDuckster


It's a pretty tough situation to be in.

I know it's really hard on a man's ego to get laid off like that and not be bringing in the money and that's probably why he's acting like this and all depressed and cranky. But I don't think it's normal to talk to your loved ones like that all the time.

Maybe you could consider a shape up or ship out kind of talk? No need to bring out the big guns unless you have to, assuming you want to make this work. If you couldn't care less if it works, then I think you've already made your decision.

[edit on 14-12-2007 by Duzey]

reply to post by Duzey


Exactly Duzey!

Very wise words my friend.

You read into the fact that 'He' lost his job...and finds it hard to look for work.

Did I tell you that he's 56 and I'm 40 (will be 41 in 2 days)

~Ducky~

reply to post by TheDuckster


Let's just say it sound eerily familiar.

That age difference doesn't help much. Ours was only eight and it caused problems towards the end. He started treating me like a child that needed disciplining. There was also the paranoia that I would look for a younger man that had a job.

It's a sad fact that men who are out of work at that age have a harder time getting full-time work because of it. It's not fair, but it happens and I bet he knows it.

reply to post by Duzey


You said:

It's a sad fact that men who are out of work at that age have a harder time getting full-time work because of it. It's not fair, but it happens and I bet he knows it.

I'm nodding my head at your words.

~Ducky~

reply to post by TheDuckster


It's too bad men have such an aversion to therapy. Sounds like he's in dire need of an ego boost.

Being negative never helped anyone find a job.

reply to post by Duzey


Funny you said that.

His mom took me aside, and questioned the same thing?

~Ducky

Going to la la land.

Tired as hell.

Talk with everyone in the morning.

Love,

~Ducky~

Well I have experienced both verbal and physical abuse.

My advice is pack your bag and leave!

Verbal abuse is far worse. IMO... the punch hurts sure, but it doesn't get into your head and affect your self esteem quite as bad as long term verbal put downs.

Now, I know it might seem that I am saying physical abuse is not as bad, but I am not saying that.

Over years, you actually start to believe the negative put downs.
I left my Husband and I was 39kg. I believed I was useless, hopeless etc. I would clean the house until 3am in the mornings and it was perfect, but in his eyes it wasn't, nor was I.

You can't live with someone who is like that or treats you in that way.

I had to see a counsellor for a while after I left. She said, it would take 5 years to undo the damage from an abusive relationship. At that time, I was like OMG FIVE YEARS!!

It will be 11 years in April and sorry, the Counsellor was wrong, I wish it was only five years.

I don't want to ramble on but don't put up with someone putting you down.

Love builds another up, not pulls them down!

I really believe insecure men treat women like that. Your obviously very special and that is why he treats you this way.

Ducky my dear..you know what i have been through..for 20 + years..
You saw me stop taking it..
You saw me happy for the first time in a decade..
Honey, do what makes you happy..always.
I got so tired of the same crap as you.And duzey as well, I always felt like a child who was being disciplined.But it was my money paying the bills.
Not fair at all.it was me lokking after the kids and cleaning the house, doing it all.For years.While being treated like crap.In the end..I vented it all.He realized then that he had been a jerk. too little too late.
Ducky..you have my number still, and my email..
Always here for you hon..I truly am.
You are a gem of a person, and deserve to be treated as such.
Love ya,
LORI

I was hesitant to respond here and didn't want to get anyone mad at me.
If your fellow is depressed Ducky he needs to get help. He's directing his inadequacies towards you. If you continue catering to his behavior it will only get worse. It sounds like your at ropes end and leaving him would be your best option. If you still have any feelings left for him you could give him an ultimatum ( either he shapes up or ships out).
As it stands right now, he's just dragging you down and it's not your fault. It's his!

Originally posted by Duzey He started treating me like a child that needed disciplining.

Are you sure you weren't married to my husband Duzey? Appearntly I need disciplining too, and a 24 hour baby sitter :bnghd:
And I'm crazy..and so are all of my friends...I'm guessing you gals have heard that too? Ducky, if you aren't actually married to the bastard...then what are you waiting for? Maybe you'd like him to beat you down a little more? It takes an exceptionally strong person to withstand that kind of negativity... Ducky, I'm thinking he's already drained you, my dear. It's time to move on and recollect yourself.


Edit* to add:

At my house the thing I hate the most...the constant, never ending lectures that the kids and I get.

[edit on 12/15/2007 by jensouth31]

Oh, ducks, I'm so sorry.

Abuse is abuse. It escalates, and doesn't get better unless the abusive guy takes responsibility for his own actions and feelings.

I don't know about you, but after 18 months of support groups and intensive reading, I look back at the beginning of my relationship with my ex and I can see that the warnings and red flags were there all along, I just chose to ignore them. For a long time I thought he was a great guy, great provider, good worker, loyal.

Boy was I wrong. he just hid it well in the beginning. I've learned that major changes in a couple's life can trigger an escalation of abuse that rarely stops without intervention (i.e., the abused person leaving). It's often pregnancy, or loss of a job, or something else big.

I made excuses for my ex: he's from a different culture. He's unhappy here in America. Somehow I'm doing something wrong and if I just do X he'll be happy with me again. I should try harder.

All I ended up doing was letting him walk on me. As a friend from Mexico said, there are jerks in all cultures.

If someone is treating you like crap, taking advantage of you, calling you names, I think it's time to really look at your relationship and decide if it's what you want for yourself. You deserve better. Nobody deserves to be called names and belittled because their significant other is in a bad mood.

Everybody does abusive stuff now and then. but normal, healthy people are contrite afterwards, and will apologize and attempt not to do it any more. Someone who is invested in abuse doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, will never apologize properly (the best you might get is, I'm sorry your feelings got hurt, or I'm sorry you didn't understand what I meant). Sad to say, if someone is truly abusive the cycles will just increase in frequency and get worse and worse.

The cycles of abuse are: honeymoon stage -- he's nice and treats you well, almost the person you fell in love with once; buildup stage -- this is when you go around walking on eggshells because you know he's going to blow; abuse -- he blows and makes you hurt and then acts like it was your fault he lost his temper.

Anyway, I've gotten a really good education on this particular subject in the past couple of years, so if you want some links, or to talk about it, U2U me.