anyone want to help/talk/give advice, etc..i NEED some help

reply to post by Boondock78


Check your U2U - if your needing help - we'll talk.

Boondock,
if you have read some of my early posts, you would have seen that I was in a very similar situation, without the back problems.
I have post-traumatic arthritis in my right hip.
The pain shoots down my sciatic nerve to my big toe, but mine is bearible, now.

It used to be so bad that I would cry and drink, while on pain meds.
I had agoraphobia and recieved S.S.I. every month since I couldn't work.

When I asked Jesus to forgive me that All changed. He has power over everything!!!

After I became a christian, I gave up my S.S.I.
I tried to commit suicide, but was never succesful, Thank God!!!

My grandmother killed herself when my mother was only 16.
It's a selfish, wasteful thing to do and in God's eyes, it's murder.

God loves you and you don't feel it or believe it, yet.
Ask and you shall recieve!
You have nothing to lose if God's not real, but he is.

I have been praying for you off and on for awhile, I will keep it up, Many people care about you.
CS

Okay, Boondock it's my turn to add my 2 cents before taking out for taxes.

When I was 17 I lost use of 1/4 of my brain due to flipping over a Suzuki motorbike. This wipe out most of my memory and cause be to have the intelligence of a 5 year old. Not to mention the coma and lost of use of my left arm and leg. Not much fun when your left handed anyway. I'm not saying my injury was any better or worse than yours. I'm just saying we're all human and I understand some of your frustation on how this has set back your plans for your job, life, and etc.

Since the insurance limited what could be covered once I was out of the hospital I had to learn, or try to learn I should say, how to do things myself. I'm now 45 yrs old and have gained use of my left side for the most part. Stair, ice and long walks will always be hell but I have to deal with it. I havn't had any schooling outside of high school so my work skills are limited.

My wife has numerous physical and emotional disorders leaving her disabled. She is bi-polar, the worse case her phy. doc has ever seen. I'll explain more about her later as needed.

Yes, I'm depressed most of the time myself. Tried to end things in 2000 put failed. I feel like I'm such an outcast among those I work with. My brain has set back a few years emotionally which causes me problems. I have no one, just like you, that I can call a friend to talk to.

My wife is collects a disablity check from the govnt. Are your getting one also? One resouce that I've found that helps out for no or little cost is the 211 program. Just do a google for "211 your city". This will bring up numerous organizations that help with anything from housekeeping to counceling and more.

Wanting to hurt yourself and not bathing for a long time is not the way to go about getting assistance or using it as a way to tell others you need help. Out right ask them.

Many have already replied about your lack of sleep and your coffee drinking. I'll keep my part short. Even though coffee may boost the strenght of some pain meds it also excites the nerve endings causing the pain level to increase. Ease off the coffee and try to get some sleep man.

my mind is racing...crazy, insane thoughts coming in so fast...
…see how my head gets...imagine this, but in my head, 1k times faster about 1k more things..

My wife is just like this. Her mind races so fast that she only says half of what she mean because she think she as already said it. This is part of why she cannot hold a job. I don't know if this does impare you in some manner from completing tasks at home. She also suffers from fibro-myalgia (sp?). The pain from this has keeped her in bed or on the sofa most of the time. A new drug has done wonders for this. It's called Lyrica. I don't know if it will help you but it might be worth asking the doc. about.

i have a great wife and son and i can't do anything for them cause i can't even get my head straight....
she is so beautiful and so full of character and all the great things you would want in a person, let alone a wife and she marry's me.

I dearly love my husband of 34 years. He sufferes from deepression and from agoraphobia, so my life is different than if I'd married someone else. But nobody makes me smile like he does... and nobody ever made a better Chicken Cordon Bleu! And I wouldn't trade him for all the other men in the world.

Your son and your wife wouldn't trade you for anyone else in the world. Keep being thankful that you have that. Ending your own life would do nothing but hurt them. Your are a valuable person to them and your ATS friends. What's so bad about that?

i do dwell a lot on the future and what if's...ad that to the list of things that i get all freaked about.
i always wonder/worry about the future cause i know my situation is only going to get worse...i may get straightened out as far as depression goes one of these days but i am always going to be in pain.
that is never going to change...

My wife does the same thing. Dwells on what could or could only remotely happen in the future. Some of her worries are down right bizzare. I remind her that fretting over something which will most likely never happen is as bad as worrying if the Moon will crash on our house. I'm aware that your health may never improve and perhaps only worsen, but why not try to make the best of the time you have? I try to make the best use of my time.

Look into the 211, yahoo groups, or msn groups (my favorite). Find someone to connect with and go from there. Since you are not interested in contacting any churches for what they offer have you looked into beliefs other than the main stream religions? Please don't think I'm trying to promote one faith over the other, if any at all. I just don't know if you have any interests in Native American, Wiccan, Asatru, or other types.

Any connection with the outside world is better than none. Try not to worring about the upcomming wedding also. You will see 45 people that you may never encounter again, so it's not such a big deal afterall.

know what else BLOWS.....this time of year....christmas time...

Christmas time always blows for me. Dec. 21, 1979, is the day I became a different person because of the wreck. Merry Christmas and slap me in the face I always say. Well actually that's how I always feel. Christmas always sicken me anyhow due to the commercial nature and how the it's missued under the name of Christ. But that's for another thread.

Keep us updated, U2U me if you feel, and keep on playing that fiddle of yours.

Fred







[edit on 14-11-2007 by Sanity Lost]

[edit on 14-11-2007 by Sanity Lost]

Originally posted by Sanity Lost[/]
I feel like I'm such an outcast among those I work with.

^^^^^^^^^^i feel that way about everyone. most of the time i don't care. i do feel that way..i hit my highs and lows..sometimes i feel like screw it and other times i kind get bothered that people think i am a big ass turd.

Are your getting one also?


^^^no..i go not get any assistance. i have never heard of the 211 but i will look into it...i can not get social security because i had not paid enough in, and i can't get ssi cause my wife makes $68 a month too much money...they take expenses into account and that has changed so as of the first of the year, i 'might' be able to put in another application.
after i see my psych. they will take into consideration the mortgage and two cars so maybe i can get something.
they shot me down fast.
then, going to the ofice to apply is a huge ordeal...that for sure is going to send me into a frenzy.

Wanting to hurt yourself and not bathing for a long time is not the way to go about getting assistance or using it as a way to tell others you need help.


^^^^well, not taking a bath was me just being lazy...i cleaned up over the weekend but i am back in my robe. hair is jacked...i just don't have the motivation to get into any clothes....why anyway? i am not going anywyere?
as far as just ask for help?
dude, please tell me who to ask? do i just go to the ER and ask? in all this time, i have seen that it does not work like that..it appears the best i can do is hold on till december 7th when i get in to see this psych. i have to cross my fingers that he is a cool doc and he gets me and actually appreciates honesty....hopefully within a visit or two he can diagnose me and hopefully he can get my meds dialed in.


Ease off the coffee and try to get some sleep man.


^^^well, i have been trying to lay off the coffee. i drink decaff after noon. i drink far more in the winter cause it keeps me warm.
i been drinking this poweraide crap.
about sleep. i woke up at 4 this morning and fell alseep on the couch and my wife woke me up at 8 before she left....i got a text at 8:20 and now i am up, grumpy, and tired again....i turned my phone off.

sleep=i will talk about that at the end


Any connection with the outside world is better than none. Keep us updated, U2U me if you feel, and keep on playing that fiddle of yours.

^^^i don't really feel like i belong in the outside world...i'll always play my fiddle. not always a lot but i was playing peaches en regalia last night and my dig was singing with me...

sleep====
this is the hardest thing for me....the reson i think i fell back alseep on the couch and the reason i feel tired now is cause of how much of my medicine i took the past couple nights...

been taking more valiums that i should. quite a bit more....i researched it on the wiki and web md....my wife was actually mad at me last night cause she thought i was gonna od...
i am supposed to take one, 5mg valium three times a day as needed, OR, two at night to help me sleep. thing is, i feel like i just waste it cause that does not help me sleep.

so, three, 5mg's is only 15 milli's...that is nothing...

a few nights ago i took sic of them a couple hours before bed...nothing....

last night, i took twelve of them right when wheen of fortune came on..so thats 60 milligrams.

i went to bed at about 1 am and i woke up at 4 am. i stayed up till 6 cause i was watching the debates and i fell back aslep on the couch.

my wife put me back in bed and then i got th etext at 8:20.

now, here i am, tired as all hell, really wanting to crash but can't sleep.

i took two vicodin....
i don't know if i should take a valium or not.


did i mention i am in a piss poor[/] friggin crappy mood.

you know, life blows sometimes....most of the time......

probably gonna get this uptight psych too. gonna look at me and make with the judgements...
he ain't gonna know hat to make of me....tattoo's on my hands, knucks, throat.....

probably gonna blow me off like most others do.

sucks and sucks some more....

12 damn valium at the same time...

i think last night my wife was legit mad at me for the first time in being together for 5 years.....
i can't have that either...


WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

i am going ouy of my own head here