anyone want to help/talk/give advice, etc..i NEED some help

i don't know if you guys know my situation. i won't go through it all again unless someone in here asks...
i did wind up getting an appointment with a psych but it is not for a full month away...that is a long time to wait...
i need to see someone like yesterday you know.

i don't know what to do.
my anger is getting worse.
i truly, honestly feel like i am going to hurt someone/myself...i am not like that but i feel like that is the only way anyone is going to take me seriously..
i call docs and ask for help and there is this reason or that reason why they can't see you or you have to wait months....i don't want to do that. i despise bully's but i NEED F'ING help...


i am very depressed.
i have not taken my robe off in about a week. been about that long since i took a shower.
been living off of white rice and atomic fire balls along with coffee.
have not been sleeping.

my mind is racing...crazy, insane thoughts coming in so fast...

i do not want to die but i don't know if i want to be alive anymore...make sense?
i love my wife and i love my son but i really do neither one of them any good. i don't work. i can't work so there is no financial help for my wife from me. my wife pays my child support and i get to see my boy but i can't do anything with him.....sometimes i will roll with him for a few minutes but he wants to do 11 year old # and i can't.

the physical pain is getting the best of me and the mental pain is making me weak. i hurt in my brain and i don't know how to explain it.

my nerves are rattled constantly. i don't want to leave the house.

i have been abusing my medicine pretty bad.
i self medicate as well.

i never used to do things like this.....i would be so careful with my meds...not now....

instead of taking my valium 3 times a day like i am supposed to, i wait a day or two and take 6-7 at the same time.....know what happens? nothing

my vicodin..same deal.....i have two of them tucked into my bottom lip like baccy right now trying to leach it into my body...no results....

it is hurting my body and i know it...

there is a 'center' real close by that if i go to, i 'might' be able to talk to someone...they are not councelors or anything, just intake people....if i go there today, chances are the only thing that will happen is i will talk to them, and they will schedule me with someone there a month from now...

on the other hand, if i take this ink pen sitting right here and ram it through my #ing hand, then go up there, i am pretty sure i will get some help...

what kind of help though?
gonna stick me in the hospital on the psych ward and treat me for two days and then let me go?

i basically have this worthless, good for nothing feeling all the time.

i can't do anything i like to do. i can't do anything to make any money...
i used to be a mechanic. i was a damn good mechanic too. for my age, i was set to be in damn good shape right now....i was offered a spot with conrads to go to pennsylvania a couple times a year to teach advanced wheel alignment classes.

thats gone...
all my years of going to school and classes and paying my dues, busting my knuckles up in the junkyards, in the ohio winters to get myself a trade, GONE...

all my tools. THOUSANDS of dollars worth of tools and my box...gone
medical bills started to rack up....no more tools.

our bike=gone...can't ride like i used to.

i feel like my life got taken away from me when i was 21 years old. my son was two and i get hurt....what the hell is up with that?

i have a great wife and son and i can't do anything for them cause i can't even get my head straight....

sittin here at 30 years old with a failed back and nerve damage in my leg.


the hell kind of quality of life am i going to have....

various docs have hit me with social anxiety disorder, depression, and lately PTSD has been coming up....agorophobia has popped up with a couple.....

i hope i am doing the right thing by posting this...i have typed out a thread like this a day for a week now and never post it but wtf, here it is.

i just need to talk to someone that can help me figure out how to straighten myself out...can i be straightened out?

they say that crazy people do not know they are crazy. well, i sure as hell feel crazy and i know i feel crazy so what is the deal?
-----------

thanks for reading. thanks for listening....thanks for whatever....

Aw, hell, BD. I've struggled with big depression all my life. In 1992 I found out I had HIV and was told I had only three years to live. I waited for years to die, they said they knew when it would be. But they were wrong. And eventually I got on with living. I have to take meds every day or get sick. I have to have my blood taken every month, which I hate. I hate when they tell me my cell counts drop because it always gets me to wondering, is this the last slide? But it never is.

I only have minor pain, in my back and leg, from my motorcycle accident in 1995. So I can't tell you I understand how you feel. But the black depression? I've been there, done that. I still struggle with it because of my custody situation. Some days are really bad, and some days are better.

If you can't see a professional right now, there HAVE to be some depression support groups in your area. YOU MUST FIND ONE. Find one today. If you can't find one local, find a Yahoo group on depression and pain. There have to be tons of them -- I helped myself through the first several months of custody battle with an emotional abuse support group on Yahoo, and it did help.

You may not be able to do what you did before, but you're young, and you have a lot of life left yet. My neighbor across the hall is twice your age, and he is suffering like you, with neuropathy. Some days I see him and he can barely walk. He talks about letting go and ending, too, but somehow always manages to pull himself back up and carry on.

Your wife and son need you. You are too young to just give up. You need to find something else to do with your life that gives you joy.

I'm worried about you. If you need to talk, U2U me.

Posting like this, though, is the right thing. you're reaching out for help, and that tells me you aren't really ready to give up.

We're here for you, man. Hang in there. Find a support group and go, if it's only online. They really help. I go to five groups a month. Sharing your pain with others helps, but sometimes they also have advice and resources to share that can help you as well.

Here's the Yahoo directory on depression + pain:

groups.yahoo.com...

see if one in there gets your attention.

Boondock, man it's hurts me to read that.

First and foremost, and this may sound simple, LAY OFF THE COFFEE!! That is going to directly effect your sleep. Lack of sleep is bad for not only your body, but your mind as well. Seriously man.......no joke.

Now, I had a bout with depression earlier in my life, and you are without a doubt in a bad state of depression. Let me ask you, why won't your doctor who's been medicating you pull some strings (professionally) to get you in to see a psychiatrist immediately? What kind of advice is she giving you???

Think about your boy. Be strong for him. Don't leave your son without a dad. Do whatever you have to do to change your mindset. Get your mind focused in the right direction.

Always here to talk bro'.

Peace

reply to post by Boondock78


Boondock .... You are definitly in a crisis regardless of how you define what you are going through. The visit to the hospital you are refering to that you do not want to do is your solution. You say you want help tomorow , that is the only place you are going to get it. Yes it is a 72hours visit , but that is 72 they could keep you for if it is an involontary stay. You can stay longer if you choose. The hospitals job is to stabilize you and provide you with a means of helping yourself but it takes patience. (no punn intended) If your mind is racing then you probly have the ability to take this post in and rationalize a reason not to go with in seconds. Find someone you trust that knows you that does not enable your behahavior. Ask them what they would like to see you do that would help you ... put your trust in someone that is physically near you and has the ability to do for you what you possibly can not do for your self.

Originally posted by MajorMalfunction
YOU MUST FIND ONE. Find one today. If you can't find one local, find a Yahoo group on depression and pain. There have to be tons of them -- I helped myself through the first several months of custody battle with an emotional abuse support group on Yahoo, and it did help.

thanks major...i was hoping you would be around. i knew you'd come talk to me...

about the support thing.....i don't think you are wrong, but i think before that comes i need to see a doctor...i hate to say i can't do this and i won't do that but i will here. i can not do group sessions.
my nerves hit the roof. my nose will start to bleed. feels like my heart is about to pound out of it's chest.

at the same time, if i catch a diagnosis and get proper medication, maybe talk/group therapy can help....for now, i can not physically get in there with the peopl.
i HATE being around people. i feel like i have to watch them all the time. i feel like(more like i KNOW) they are staring at me the whole time.

there is a chronic pain forum i posted at for a bit and it seemed to help..this is what i want though. ideas and things.

i will look for support groups but it is hard to get support when i don't know exactly what is wrong.
do i call the depression group or the anger management group or the group that is going to stop me from stabbing myself in the hand?
see what i mean....

it is like a vicious cycle. my pain is getting worse which is causing me to get more angry and depressed which is making my pain worse which is all leading me to do stupid things.....very stupid things.

again, it is not the i want to die feeling it's the i don't want to live feeling.

even when life is at it's most grand, it's pretty crappy.
physical pain is always there. mental pain is always there.

seems like death is all around me and it seems like it wants me...seems like it wants me cause my life has been miserable for 11 or so years and there is absolutely ZERO signs that it is going to change at all.
whats there to look forward to each day? i cherish the time i have with my wife but as soon as she leaves for work i start getting down on myself about being a big ole piece of # loser....
can't work......

you know what it would be like for us if i never got hurt? we'd be in fat city right now....we are 30 and 29 and i could probably have our house paid off.
we could do so much for her parents....
i could do the things i have always wanted to do for her....


know what else BLOWS.....this time of year....christmas time...

i literally sit here and cry...real tough guy eh?

i want my wife to have great, wonderful, beautiful things......christmas is a couple months away...she likes some smelly's and this and that.

now how lame is it to go to the store and buy a gift for her and use the debit card that is connected to our account which only SHE deposits into?
thats #ty...

she NEVER gives me issues about anything and says "it's our money" and all that but it really makes me feel about an inch tall.

i HATE it....the past 3 years i have sold some of my things so that i can get her gifts without taking money out of that account....never told he or she would kill me.
this year though it is going to be a house gift thing...something for the house that she wants...


she is just so fantastic in every way and THAT makes me feel crappy. seems crazy right....why?
cause i feel like she is wasting her time and her life with me....

she is so beautiful and so full of character and all the great things you would want in a person, let alone a wife and she marry's me.

mr friggin tattooed freak lookin good for nothing dude you know...


i just love her a lot and i don't want 10-20 years go by and have her look back and realize she should have walked out on my ass a long time ago...


i shouldn't have these thoughts all say...


i should not be sitting here thinking of ways i can injure myself...why would i want to injur myself?
maybe then a friggin doctor would take notice..maybe then i can get some help.

maybe if i hit the right nerves in my hand and go all the way through, it will render it useless and somehow i can get money for it and give it to my wife....

thats the kind of jacked up stuff i think about all day long...

"

Originally posted by Dr Love
Boondock, man it's hurts me to read that.

First and foremost, and this may sound simple, LAY OFF THE COFFEE!!

Let me ask you, why won't your doctor who's been medicating you pull some strings (professionally) to get you in to see a psychiatrist immediately? What kind of advice is she giving you???

Think about your boy. Be strong for him. Don't leave your son without a dad. Do whatever you have to do to change your mindset. Get your mind focused in the right direction.

i have been drinking a lot of coffee. in my defense though, after noon i drink decaf....not cause the caffeine boost but i will be pissing all night if not...

as far as pulling strings. i didn't ask her to but from the impression i get, there are just no strings to pull. i mean she has given me several names and such of people she recomends but they didn't take my insurance or the one pretty much scoffed me soon as i told em i smoked...
honestly, there are just not those kind of doctors around here. i mean they are but if you look at general docs in the book you get pages. head docs you get a page. then you have to widdle it down to people that tkae new patients and your insurance.

the advice she is giving me is pretty much 'hang in there' till i get to see a psych. she told me she does not medicate for depression and such. she is giving me lexapro but she said it is as much for depression as pain and that i need a psych to get me the right diagnosis and medicine regiment.

in fairness to her though, she does not know about these things i am teling you...she knows i smoke and she knows about most of these feelings but not all.
i was afraid that she would be duty bound to refer me to that center or something and somehow, someway it would reflect on her for what i am doing or thinking of doing and i won't do that to her....

i have no intention of checking out....i am far too scared for that. my boy will always have me, i just feel like i can't ever do him any good.

i just feel like i don't want to live...cause whats the point you know?

Originally posted by Boondock78

she is just so fantastic in every way and THAT makes me feel crappy. seems crazy right....why?
cause i feel like she is wasting her time and her life with me....

Dude, that is HER decision. She loves you or she wouldn't be with you.

My advice is find a depression support group. If possible, one that helps victims of chronic pain as well. The anger is from the depression -- you don't need to treat it separately.

But don't talk yourself out of it because you can't see a doc for a month. You've taken the first step in reaching out here, now get some help where you're at. If you can't stomach being around people, at least start reading on some of the Yahoo groups for coping mechanisms.

Time for some tough love (which I hate when people do it to me, but there ya go): Pull yourself up and do something about this. Sitting around wallowing in it is not going to do anything for you but make it worse. Don't try to rationalize why not, just go and do it.

You're better than this. You're stronger than this. Don't let it beat you. Beat it instead. Turn the anger from self-harm and loathing into a tool to drive you out to get the help you need.

I know you can do it. I think you do, too.

Go here psychcentral.com...

Pick a hotline. Call it. NOW.

Originally posted by marie4954


The visit to the hospital you are refering to that you do not want to do is your solution. You say you want help tomorow , that is the only place you are going to get it. Yes it is a 72hours visit , but that is 72 they could keep you for if it is an involontary stay. You can stay longer if you choose. The hospitals job is to stabilize you and provide you with a means of helping yourself but it takes patience. (no punn intended) If your mind is racing then you probly have the ability to take this post in and rationalize a reason not to go with in seconds.

i wanted to quote this whole thing cause i think you are right....i went to the center a few years ago and the lady that evaluated me sent me to the hospital via the ambulance cause i was bleeding. i only stayed 2 days though...
i was on their psych ward and i was evaluated by a doc that i was supposed to follow up with when i got out. that doc didn't take my insurance and the other one that was there only treated kids...

i know that there, i will at least start to get help right away but i just did not feel like i belong there. also, back to the people thing.
when it is time to eat lunch you are supposed to go down and eat in the lunchroom with everyone else...i can't do that...that is part of the problem....
it felt more like a prison than a hospital...i got to wear my own clothes and stuff but i definately felt like i was one of the more sane people in there.


-------

you're right...i rationalize why not to go before i even started to type it out....again, thing is i have been to the very place they will send me...i almost felt like i was treated like a kid....they wantes me to play with balls and do crafts and such...
some people had to have people by their door cause of suicide watches and such...

i can't get down with that...i feel like hurting someone now..in that place it was 100 times worse...

my wife got to spend a lot of time with me while i was there which to this day i feel horrible about...i remember i had two atavan shots while i was there..they were really pissing me off.

they wouldn't let me eat in my room..


i welcome all these suggestions and believe it or not, i didn't ask just to find a reason not to do each one...i just feel like that hospital setting with just make it worse cause what they will do is give me their attention for two days, give me a fast diagnosis and meds, and set me up with a doctor that i might not even jive with....
while i do think a 'hospital' type setting is what i need, i don't want to be on the ward..

here is what i want....

i want to sit down with a full on doctor or a full on councelor that will record everything and take it to the doc. i want to have a couple of house at LEAST where i can talk about all this crap, they can ask questions and i can fill out their papers..

i need a PROPER diagnosis and a PROPER medication regiment.
i need someone that is not going to judge me and refuse to treat when i say i smoke grass. if i lie, then i don't feel like i will be getting proper treatment you know...

the last guy i went to i don't think looked up from his laptop, typing the whole time...when i was done i walked out with scripts that i could not afford.

i need someone who is going to listen to me when i tell them these things, then help me....i really feel like that does not exist

i am afraid if i go to the center and tell them these things, i will be taken right to the hospital and automatically trated like a child...last time i was there i got to see the same doctor two times for a total of about 15 minutes.

how is any doctor supposed to get any grip on how you are by only talking to you for that short of an amount of timr?
i am afraid if i go that route that will happen again.

when was there before, they had a chalk board with all the docs names(both of them) and all the names of the people they had to see...these docs had their own practices too. i mean they would be in and out all day...

it's strange but it did not seem like make people were getting help.
about half of them were in there as a stepping stone before they went to jail.
lotsa cutters and that..

i don't need that environment....least i don't think i do.

i just want someone who will listen and help me..

i know i need meds but don't talk to me for 10 minutes then hand me a stack of scripts that are gonna cost me $100

i have seen different docs over the years.

ptsd(from the last lady)
agorophobia, social anxiety disorder, chronic depresion, anger problems are the ones that usually pop up.

the only head med i can recall being on becides this lexapro is klonopin.

As far as the price of meds goes, I hear you. The only solution there is to tell the doc up front that you can only afford generic. It might not be what the doc really wants to give you, but it's better than nothing at all. It's a catch-22.

I know the Ativan is generic Lorazepam. Did that not help with your social anxiety?

Peace

Originally posted by MajorMalfunction


Dude, that is HER decision. She loves you or she wouldn't be with you.

My advice is find a depression support group. If possible, one that helps victims of chronic pain as well. The anger is from the depression -- you don't need to treat it separately.


Time for some tough love (which I hate when people do it to me, but there ya go): Pull yourself up and do something about this. Sitting around wallowing in it is not going to do anything for you but make it worse. Don't try to rationalize why not, just go and do it.

major, i know it is/was her decision. i just feel bad for her...there were no secrets when we got married but i think she had hopes of me getting better and it is just not going to happen.
also, i don't doubt for one second that she loves me more than anything in the world. the problem is, i am afraid that as time goes by, she is going to start NOT liking me...still in love with me but not liking me ver much.

her and i both feel very strongly about our beliefs in our marriage. everyone holds it to a different degree but ours is most important thing in our lives...i know that no matter what, her love for me will never go away. i know she would never leave me....what i do not know though is will she stop seeing me as she did, and see me differently, thus putting her in a marriage she is not happy in..

major, i don't want that to happen.
i feel like i am tainted goods or something. i wish you could meet her. if any of you guys/glas saw us together, you'd be thinkign what is a beautiful gal like that doing with a zero like him...

see how my head gets...imagine this, but in my head, 1k times faster about 1k more things..

i don't want my wife to have a crazy husband. i don't want my wife to go through her life not being able to live it up to the fullest cause of me.
either cause we can't afford this or that cause of my meds or we can't go here or there cause of my pain...

lets get some more of boons craziness out there.
her brother is getting married in december. they asked me to run the mixer which i am going to do. thing is, i am already super nervous about it and i am afraid that as the time gets near, i won't be able to even go.

i have never been to a wedding before. well, only mine and there were only 6 people at mine...
this one is at a country club and there is going to be about 50 people there. 45 of whom i won't know...THAT is going to make me VERY uncomfortable.
people are going to be drinking wine and champaign and THAT is going to make me VERY uncomfortable...

i don't want to go but my wife is so excited. she gets to take her mom shopping for a dress and she is going to get a new dress. she wants to 'go out' and 'be a lady' and i want to do this with her.
i know she is already worried about me and on the night, just her worrying about me is going to ruin it....
i don't want to go but i can't have her go alone and i want to see my wife all beautiful next to all the other ladies that can't hold a candle to her..

i am going to be around a ton of people i don't know. people are going to be drinking. it is a couple cities away and it is going to be dark out(i will get to that in a minute) and all of this is a mixture for a pure disaster for me...
i don't know what but i can easily see me passing out, getting a nosebleed, sitting here for an hour before we go, sweating like a stuck pig talking myself into going, smashing one of my bro in laws friends in the mouth cause he is drunk and acting afool.



i literally feel like my brain is going to explode or implode.


the lack of motivation here is astounding....i am not lying when i said i have not gotten out of my robe or taken a shower for a week.

i feel like crap. i feel like a left behind and my wife is the only one that cares and the crappy thing is, is that she shouldn't

Originally posted by Dr Love
As far as the price of meds goes, I hear you. The only solution there is to tell the doc up front that you can only afford generic. It might not be what the doc really wants to give you, but it's better than nothing at all. It's a catch-22.

I know the Ativan is generic Lorazepam. Did that not help with your social anxiety?

Peace

i tell em and i know it is not their fault but those kinds of meds are expensive..plus i still have the pain meds...like you said, catch 22.

the ativan was diven to me in a shot so yeah, i mellowed out fast.

i had klonopin for a bit when i was seeing this one doc and if i remember it was an as needed thing and at the time it seemed to help, from what i can remember.

i was nowhere near as bad then as i am now though.



this literally is the BEST time in my life and it is also when i LITERALLY feel the worst..
maybe it is because i have these things..i am not used to having things.

when i was a kid, dad was drunk. liked to beat on mom...didn't have much,
moved to ohio as an early teen. had a ready made step dad that didn't jive with me and 3 ready made step brothers. as you can guess, me being the oldest and not his, i get pushed to the back burner.
time to shuffle me back to florida with my real dad....yaaaaay.
this is where/when i learned to fight.
se, dad liked to come home drunk and wanted to fight. i was the target...didn't have anything then.
dad sold out friggin dryer for dope.

now when i turned 17 i started to wrench, take some classes, had a couple 'mentors'..i was on track and i had some stuff.
sons mom decides to leave me and takes the boy and all i am left with is my harley blanket(she tried to take that to)

now, i am about to turn 30. i have a wonderful wife. i have the raddest boy on the planet. 2 awesome dogs.
i have a nice house and two nice cars.
i have a loving marriage and we have nice things for out home...

thing is, i contributed NOTHING to all this.

this laptop i am using. this house i am sitting in with the heat up nice and toasty, with the ultimate fighter on dvr....my wife did all that...

and whats going on...she is at work..working hard and i am here, going out of my head.....
the hell kind of sick, twisted, mind F is _____________________ playing with me??

BD when you're in this dark place, you can't think about "what ifs" and "the future." You should only be dealing with RIGHT NOW.

So, to quote Bob Newhart when he was on MAD TV: Stop it. Stop it or I'll bury you alive in a box. OK, just a little stupid humor to distract you. Probably not nearly as funny as the shrink on TV saying that to the depressed woman.

But still ... dwelling on the future and what ifs is part of what's getting to you right now. You need to deal with HERE and NOW and get yourself on an even keel for here and now.

Call one of the hotlines. They help. I've used a crisis line before. They have resources they can hook you up with, and they are trained to listen to you and help you feel better.

Call them. Please. If not for yourself, then do it for your wife, your son and your friends here at ATS who are worried about you.

I hope you take this the right way. Stop smoking the weed its doing you no favors in your condition, The weed is helping you over think things, and thats half your problem by the sounds of it,forgive me of im wrong

Secondly get off the internet you could be addicted ,spending all day smoking weed drinking coffee and surfing the net , is not good .You say you feel worrthles and that your wife does eveything and you cant do nothing........Yea you can instead of sitting online all day do some chours around the house if you can make a coffee you can vacume etc...maybe you do that already and im not saying you dont < im just trying to help motivate you .........go take a shower you must stink, you will feel better and youll at least feel cleaner

i hope you dont see this as an attack its not you asked for help so i thought id try....but the weed is doing you no good, your minds in enough of a mix you dont need to add to it.weed is a downer you want to feel up ....you seem like your up and down like a yo-yo ...you need to level out and coffee and weed aint helping,ones fighing the other id stop both if i was you ..but im not, and i probley wouldnt if i was.

I hope it helps....if it dont at least you know someone took the time to try.

cheers





[edit on 8-11-2007 by N.B.A.Y.S.O.H]

reply to post by MajorMalfunction


i do dwell a lot on the future and what if's...ad that to the list of things that i get all freaked about.

i always wonder/worry about the future cause i know my situation is only going to get worse...i may get straightened out as far as depression goes one of these days but i am always going to be in pain.
that is never going to change...

it dominates my life...i know you can understand where i am coming from..

whats the deal with the crisis line.?

i don't like talking to people i don't know...here, i feel like i know some of you and for the ones that i feel i don't know, there is still the behind the curtain feeling i don't get when on the phone..

i really would not like to spend my time talking to th equivalent of a candy striper or someone doing community service answering phones you know.

what i am saying is i am very nervous about this too cause i have been put off so many times....as it is i feel like i am going to snap and i really don't feel like getting the run around AGAIN from another doc/councelor type person...

see what i mean

reply to post by N.B.A.Y.S.O.H


no man, i get you....
funny thing, i have been off the net for a few cause i was funning the vaccum(with attachments around the baseboards in the kitchen as per instrutions) and then i cut the dogs nails.

i do things like that. i do all the cooking for us..that is one thing i enjoy. i like to cook for us.

lately though, i have feel myself wanting to go out of the house less and less. i usually run errands through the week and i am putting them off. in the house stuff i can mope around and do it but out of the house...havng trouble.

as far as the grass.
you're right.
i know that now..i do enjoy it but i don't feel like it is helping me like it used to, tolerance is up, whatever...
my doc knows about the smoke(but not how much) cause i told her it helps me sleep(and it does) and she was cool with that instead of ambien or over the counter stuff.
just not working in the same way and i know it but it is part of the whole self medicating thing....

another reason why i want to see a doc and why i don't want to lie when they ask the question....i want to get proper help...can't do that if you lie...

i do spend WAY, WAY to much time on the net though. only real excuse for that it is is about all the energy i can muster...i piddle about in my robe here and there thoughout the day like i just did though

You need to get your self back in to routine like when you was working, Get up, shower, breakfast some chours, go out even if it just to get a newspaper leave the house everyday, take the dogs for a walk ,go pick your lovely wife some flowers, anything. But get out the house and get some routine back into your life, Find things to do other than the internet, once your mind is busy on say cooking you aint gonna think of all the bad crap,you dig Buy a model and build it with your kid or something youll get a sense of attchevement and ull make your kid laugh when you get your finger stuck to your nose

I just had an idea look up online for ways of working from home and earning money, there must be a million...youll soon start feelling less worthless with some kind of job and some income

My friend has the best job in the world he washes submarines lol




[edit on 8-11-2007 by N.B.A.Y.S.O.H]

Oh man I wish I had an answer. And I sure don't. But permit me to make an observation or two, which I hope will help-

You're not crazy. You're going through some horrible things which would drive any self-respecting decent person to exactly the point you're at. So that's a good thing in one respect, we all know and you should too that you're a decent guy who wants more than anything to do the right thing and provide for his family. Believe it or not, that puts you head and shoulders ahead of a whole lot of people. Unfortunately, it's the pressure you're putting on yourself that is exacerbating the problem.

It's not that you don't want to do the right thing, it's that you're not sure what the right thing is and you've reached a point of desperation.

I understand.

First of all, stop beating yourself up. Your wife wants to do what she's doing, or she wouldn't be doing it. You'd do it for her, wouldn't you? Stupid question, of course you would. That's what a marriage is. The whole 50-50 thing is a complete misrepresentation. Sometimes it's 100-0 and people ought to be aware of that going in. Sounds like she was, and God bless her for that.

Secondly, don't have unrealistic expectations. Sure you want to give her stuff and be there for your son etc. But Mission One is to get better. THAT is your job. Whatever it takes. Some people have lost the will to try. I don't think you're there yet. But you need to do whatever you need to do AGGRESSIVELY to find some help. Internet research, phone calls, whatever.

Find the nearest church and ask to speak to the pastor. They LIVE for that kind of stuff. Sure they'll probably want to pray with you for a bit. Suck it up and let 'em, and take advantage of the Real World advice and direction they can provide re available social services.

I won't say I'm praying for you, but I'll definitely keep a good thought for you (even though you probably know what that means).

Hang in there.

reply to post by yeahright


with all respect, churches are out.

i admit that i have not called any crisis centers and i have not gone to the center i mentioned cause i know what happened last time.

i guess i fail to see what a crisis line is going to do for me...

i'm gonna tell these strangers that things blow and they're gonna try to 'be there for me'...i'd rather talk here with anyone who is wiling to participate than do that you know?

it's hard to get put off though when it is one friggin hoop after another.
you know you have a deal and needs to be handled but either the doc don't take your insurance or he don't take any patients.
that, or like the last one i get refered to this psych and i see one of his 'associates'..cool.

well, 2nd visit i looked around a bit more and saw that she was not a doc but a councelor and her speciality.
she specializes in teenage substance abuse.

now, i get refered to psych by a doc. there are several people that work there. silly me to assume that the person they stick me with is not even a doc and her area is kids.

these are things i do not want to waste my time with..all it will do is frustrate me more and make things worse.

you could get in to see a general doc within a couple days but it you need help on the mental end, be prepared to wait, or get juggled around.