posted on Aug, 11 2008 @ 01:51 AM
I hear voices talking in my mind all of the time. It has really gotten ugly over the past 9 months. They just don't stop. It's kind of creepy
because it involves religious characters, which has made it hard to dismiss, so I keep on feeding the conversations because
I feel that they are necessary out of fear of dying or going to hell. The conversation is this.... I will hear voices whispering this girls name who
I work with. The voice that whispers it and the mental dialog seem to be of religious authority from spiritual beings of heaven. I don't see them,
but I can visualize them in my imagination. It is like a constant obsession that my mind has a hard time getting rid of. This wouldn't be a big
deal if I was actually attracted to this girl, but thankfully I am not, so I know that the dialogs will eventually pass. It would be nice if the
voices would speak of pretty, gorgeous women, but this girl is far from that in a very unattractive way. She is just not my type, but the voices say
that she is, and try to convince me to believe a lie. I will talk back to them, telling them off, to leave me alone and let me live my life how I
want . The problem is that when I do tell them off and say that I will only date girls that I find attractive, I am told that I am being satanic, and
that I will suffer from cancer, death, hell, and many of the other curses that you might find in the bible. They frequently say that the only way to
get to heaven is to suck it up, deal with it and be with this hideous looking girl who I have to see twice a week at work. I am very close to
dismissing all christianity and selling my soul to the devil, in exchange for whatever I want, whenever I want, for all eternity. That way I can be
freed from this horrible curse in my mind and will accept that one day I will die. That will motivate me to live life fully, each and every day, and
if there is a heaven, then I will get to go there for as long as I want, because I will have sold my soul for whatever I want, whenever I want. If
there really is a God, I don't like him, and I do not appreciate his non helping hand, even though I have prayed for specific help. We don't need
religious influence to know right from wrong. Please don't think that if I sell my soul, that I will lose my sense of morals or desire to honor the
golden rule. It is just a cure for a terrible mind f--k. This all happened when I had finally done too many drugs, and I thought that I was going to
die because I saw a hallucination that scared the s--t out of me. In a panic, a day or two after this incident, I prayed to God and pleaded with him
for my life, and I said that if he spared it, I would marry any girl he chose. So this girl at my work stood out in a way that made me fear that she
is the one that God chose. So ever since, I have struggled with this dialog based on fear. What makes this more difficult is that I know this girl
likes me, I think she might even be a little obsessed with me, and that's even more of a turn off. Stay away from drugs people, at least don't
abuse them, and don't do anything illegal. Psychedelic drugs and religion are a bad combination! I almost went crazy from this, but thankfully, I
realize that I still have a say in how I live my life. I no longer read the bible, go to church, or pray. I do miss prayer though, because it feels
good to send out positive love intention toward others, but I cannot feed the source of these thoughts anymore. Sorry that this is pretty off topic,
but I really wanted to get this out. Any comments are welcome, especially ones that are encouraging in ways that will help me sever this curse from
my whole being. : )