Have You Experienced Adult Bullying?

Originally posted by madmartinez
no union for me im self employed. this kind of behavior goes round on the streets anyway so not alot i can do but live with it and defend myself

Man, I feel for you but at least you can stick up for yourself physically. I knew a girl who had the same treatment. Her family was Scottish for many generations but she had a dark skin and curly black hair. She had to take some real s**t but ended up as a stronger, more assertive character for it. Adversity shapes you into a far tougher mould, mate.

ive had it most of my life and kinda grown into it. the martial arts are not a means to deal with the problem just did them cos i thought hey why not. im 24 now and placid as anythin. any abuse just bounces off only when they physically hurt i strike back

I agree with you MM, it helps to have a thick skin. It also helps to have a limit and just to tell people to back off when they reach the limit. Some adults who are bullied nover fight back - they don't see the point. And this is the cue that the bullies want. They fill the vacuum of silence with their nonsense.

Hero,

I guess i'm ballsey for a woman i am.

I lost a job over jealousy, i've lost a job over a stalker who would not leave me alone- In this case, i didnt say anything, just waiting for the man to go away.....well what he did was turn me in as being "uncooperative and incompetent" as far as working with me. I was hauled into a meeting to tell my bosses why i couldnt "work" with this man and they beleived HIM over ME. He made my life a living nightmare and followed me all over Boston and he was assigned to me to install some T1 carriers and develop the software. Ha! The last thing he had was work on his mind.
So i packed up my belongings and left a very well paid job.

I'm telling you all this because most of us at one time or another go thru something similar in the workplace in one form or another. I also find the higher up in a job i became the more trouble seemed to follow me.

I now work at a store in Hyannis, make minimum wage and I am happier than ever.

What happened to me was terrible but it made me stronger and now its almost impossible to step on my toes.

The same will happen to you. You will be strong by your experiences.

Bullies come in all shapes, sizes and ages. What they all have in common is the need to make themselves feel better by making another feel inferior.

The most important thing to remember about a bully is usually they can't handle some one who stands up to them and tells them to back off. While confronting a bully can be scary and intimidating you must do or that behavior will continue and in many cases escalate.

In the work place this behavior usually falls under workplace violence which at least in my case is against policy and can result in termination of employment. You might check with your Human Resource office. The most important thing an employee needs to do when faced with harassment sexual or otherwise is keep detailed records of when and where each occurrence happened and any possible witnesses. Without this information any complaints you file will end up being a case of one person's word against another and that usually results in no action being taken. In the event that you have sufficient information that can be verified and your employer takes no action my advice would be to consult an attorney as you may have a lawsuit against not only your employer but the perpetrator as well. As a Teamster shop steward I have been involved on both sides representing the victim of bullying and in other cases the alleged bully so I know from personal experience record keeping is essential for you to build a case.

When you are confronting a bully on the streets so to speak turning and facing them down is usually the best option as long as it is safe to do so. If because of circumstance that is too dangerous then I would recommend a restraining order against them and talking to your local police department and following their advice on handling the situation. Once again good record keeping is essential and following up with police reports and taking the necessary steps to ensure your safety both physical and emotional.

Bullying behavior is by it's nature designed to make you feel inferior and the bully feel powerful. However, it you refuse to allow that person to have the power to make you feel inferior they will be unable to do so.

Andy, sexual harassment or assault is wrong no matter who the person is. In many cases that behavior can and should lead to termination of employment and charges. From what you tell us that is what should have happened to those people; it's too bad that you were unable to follow those behaviors with legal action. I hope that you educate yourself in some of the many techniques that will allow you to become more assertive.
Good Luck.

[edit on 26-7-2007 by gallopinghordes]

[edit on 26-7-2007 by gallopinghordes]

Originally posted by dgtempe
Hero,

I guess i'm ballsey for a woman i am.

I'm telling you all this because most of us at one time or another go thru something similar in the workplace in one form or another. I also find the higher up in a job i became the more trouble seemed to follow me.

I now work at a store in Hyannis, make minimum wage and I am happier than ever.

What happened to me was terrible but it made me stronger and now its almost impossible to step on my toes.

The same will happen to you. You will be strong by your experiences.

dgtempe - my humble apologies. I think I was overreacting to your advice for me to eat an owl. The nearest I have got to anything that exotic is squid. Will that do? I agree with you about becoming stronger from adverse experiences and I am glad that it worked out for you - and probably for me. I feel stronger for the experience and I have become much more assertive as a result, like yourself.

However... what about the people who have become damaged and broken by their experiences and cannot find it in themselves to get up and try again. Some people who have been profoundly hurt by their experiences that they have posted here. There must be a way that they can gain strength again and rise up to meet their potential.

Shi5 happens! It's only a bad experience if you don't learn from it. In the past I've put myself in bad positions by not keeping my mouth shut or been in bad positions for just being different.

I'm still different and I rarely keep my mouth shut - it's not in my nature - but, I've learnt to read people better and because of this I would say I'm not as forward as I once was.

I don't think that bullying has damaged me in any obvious way, although I think I'm more aware of it and I will raise my son to be a strong, fair and good man, he will have it harder than I did, he is of mixed race. I have already heard and seen children in the park say "You're not Chinese" and then not let him play. I had hoped that it was a one-off, but my wife has said that she has heard kids make comments as well, and she's Chinese!

Racisim is rife in China! Trust me it's just as well I'm not from the Philippines or Indonesia. Awful.

MonKey

Sorry to hear about your experiences Chikey but I think that we have to help those who are too broken to rise again. We at least have laws in Europe and America to combat workplace bullying but we must provide at least counselling if not other tangible help, e.g. placements in jobs to people who are permanently scarred by adult bullying.

I have had to pick myself up when the floor has been wiped with me on countless occasions in ways I cannot mention here but, as you say s**t happens- even to nice guys.

big-time necro, but this has been on my mind. I've been bullied as an adult..was targeted(I think) because I was doing quite well, and partially because of my race(black) by some white people who were not happy I was doing a little better than they were. I'm an actor, and had a quite lucrative acting job at the time this was happening. this link is a pretty good summary of the issue: gbr.pepperdine.edu...

I was subject to quite a few of the behaviors listed. I'll tell ya, I didn't handle it well. I'm not a violent person by nature; I think these people knew I would not retaliate, or, knew I was not socially powerful enough to retaliate, so they went for it. Now, I'm a different person next time a bully steps to me, he gets knocked the # out. I've lost a lot because of this..I refuse to lose any more.

Bullying is not the problem, thin skin is. People only have the authority over you that you submit to them. So take you spine out of the jelly jar and stand up for yourself or be a victim. Those are you choices so quit crying about it and do something about it.

Originally posted by Bullcookies
Bullying is not the problem, thin skin is. People only have the authority over you that you submit to them. So take you spine out of the jelly jar and stand up for yourself or be a victim. Those are you choices so quit crying about it and do something about it.

lol. always someone who comes along to be "internet tough guy". you don't know me, my situation, my background, or what I was dealing with..a lot of people have to deal with situations like this, so, don't be so quick to piss on it.

Your right as usual. These are just observations. Here is another observation. You are acting like a victim to bully me into your way of thinking by assuming I don't know what your going through and assuming I have never been through the same and thing. Maybe I'm trying to help you over come you insecurities to take control of the situation.

Originally posted by Bullcookies
Your right as usual. These are just observations. Here is another observation. You are acting like a victim to bully me into your way of thinking by assuming I don't know what your going through and assuming I have never been through the same and thing. Maybe I'm trying to help you over come you insecurities to take control of the situation.

been through the insecurities. been working my way through them for the last few months actually. decided the direct approach is the only way. tried diplomacy, tried reason. some people cannot be reasoned with, so that leaves the smackdown. and, I'm very capable of delivering it

Now you're talking. But always make sure you're in the right, With most bullies, the fact that you are willing to stand up for yourself is enough to make them stand down, because most are insecure and cowardly. It rarely ends up with violent confrontation. However if it does you have to have an exit strategy, or be able to stand you ground.

Originally posted by Bullcookies
Now you're talking. But always make sure you're in the right, With most bullies, the fact that you are willing to stand up for yourself is enough to make them stand down, because most are insecure and cowardly. It rarely ends up with violent confrontation. However if it does you have to have an exit strategy, or be able to stand you ground.

yeah, things have gotten to such a schoolyard level, and the people I'm speaking of have purposely devalued me in the eyes of others to such a point,(which I allowed, so I'm quite angry at myself) that knocking the # out of one of them is the only way I'll regain others' respect. sad, but true.

I have worked with the public for over 20 years... I used to be afraid of saying NO. Not any more...

I generally try to be nice, and will overlook the occassional verbal bully's attempt...cite it as iggnorrance or maybe a "bad day."

However, if it persists I will retreat no further...will generally go on the verbal offensive and plainly and politely tell them they can change their attitude or leave. This has gotten me in trouble a few times with my superiors when a customer complains or sends an e-mail, which ironically retorts that I was rude... which is followed by the obligatory apology next time I see them, but is purely and obviously for business sake and they readily know that... and from that point on, they never press me again.

In personal life and in my dealings outside of work, I am as amicable as can be... but if someone tries to bully me, I tell them to go to hell... period.

reply to post by madmartinez


hello madmart
self-employed also. generally i see most mightier than thou characters as ego-driven slobsters intent on a comfortable lifestyle of believing they are superior than the rest of us. in the presence of an already ongoing bullying campaign, a bully turned and asked me why i was frowning at him. i replied i was born with it and changed nothing of my attitude,stance and body language. silence is indeed golden. a bully will react to reaching personal questions if the situation is appropriate. with regards to the racist aspect, i would say there is no place for it and if you are confronted by bigots and can somehow record or present witnesses, inform the police of a hate crime and take it all the way. you never know, it may stop them doing it to others.
take care
regards fakedirt

Adult bullying, is a touchy subject, as it covers a wide array of issues and topics that are often in the guise of other aspects.

But for the most count, where such would be seen more commonly is in the public sector, namely against those who are cashiers and customers. Having worked as a cashier in a convenience store, I see it all, especially with customers who get upset at the cashiers, who are between a rock and a hard spot, when it comes to the rules. The abuse that is often inflicted, all cause the customer is upset is a form of bullying. Most of the time, the cashier can just breath and keep moving on to the next customer. It is not easy and often thankless. Sometimes it is herd mentality, as the cashiers have to follow the rules, but at the same time it is simple courtesy that should be extended both ways. Many people don’t like being told no, and when they are stressed or in a hurry, they tend to take it out on the first person they see, and unfortunately it falls on those who deal with the public. And some think that they can bully and be aggressive to get their ways. As a cashier, for the better part of 15 years, I have only refused service to 4 people in the entire time for being bullies and was backed up by my managers for that decision.

reply to post by sdcigarpig


Yup, a hard place to be in. I've seen it and am appalled by it. I don't know how many times I've been behind an asshat in line that wanted to take out their anger on a service industry person that is not allowed to defend themselves. No law says that I can't back them up and I do. It's a thankless job and they don't deserve that crap. You want to get into it with someone? Let's go. That's not "internet bravado". I'm no different online than I am in RL.

As for adult bullying towards me, never been a problem. I can take care of myself on any given level. Be it verbal or physical.

In laws Mother in law, Father in law, Sister(s) in law, Mother, Aunts, Brother, Family members bully people more than any other group on the planet. The prettier, smarter, stronger, wealthier you are, the more bullies bully. How much fun would it be to pick on a weakling? Learn not to care about any one elses opinions, this takes their power over you away. Learn to respond "What ever you think is best..." and then learn to exit. Exit, my favorite four letter word. EXIT.

Out of respect for my husband and children I have never verbally gone off on those people. But realize that sometimes family members are selfish, vain, and rude. They just don't give a $h*t. Really, people just don't care about their own family. It happens. Realize it has nothing to do with you, and it is not your problem. It is their personal character flaw and they probably will never change their leopard spots. Everytime you forgive and forget they will do it again.

Remember Exit. No one can pick on someone who is not there.