My heart hurts......

I thought I would turn here today to get this off my chest.. Its been a long time comming, and IM about to break..
Let me start off with the past.. I was married to a beautiful woman that was the love of my life since highschool. Her name was Naomi. I loved her with all my heart, we where soulmates brought to the terra to exp life together.. We where married 6 years, and together for 10 years. But knew eachother most our lives.
Well not to long ago, she was killed in a very bad car wreck.. My life has turned upside down, I lost my bussiness, my house, and my car..
Everything we did was 50/50. We shared the bills, we shared everything right down the line. After she died I couldnt bring myself to walking into the same house, using the same car ect.. So I went and crawled into the local woods and layed down to just die.. I didnt want to kill myself let me add, its not that bad.. But I just wanted to lay down.. I feel asleep in the woods and woke up the next day with ants and little buggers crawling all over me.. I look to the sky and ask, why... Why when just last week I was so damn happy, and now Im out in the woods all by myself with no one in my life now, covered with bugs.. And a really bad hang over..
My family came to find me, but didnt find me at my house, they got worried and one of my friends finally come out to the woods thinking the worse.. He found me and was like man, what are you doing out here..
"oh just thinking about life, and how funny things are man" I reply..
So I get back on my feet, go and clear out the house, and move back in with my mother here in florida.. I didnt go back to work, becasue Naomi and I worked together, and I just couldnt go in and do what we use to do without breaking down in tears.. I just cant do this anymore.. I was afraid of what my life was leading too.
Im still not sure where my life is going to lead after this.. Its been almost 1 year now since she died.. I have started working agin, but ride a bike. I dont drive I cant afford it solo.. I cant afford living in a nice house solo..
I just dont have the strenght to be as passoinate about ilfe as I once was..
After typing all that out, Im not sure what I really want.. Sertinly not your pity.. But perhaps some words from other who lost someone that was so close to you that when they left, your world fell apart..
I dont seek professional help from this, I dont belive in shrinks, they only want my money.. Besides I didnt go and get all wacked out on crack and hurtanyone.. Just me and a bottle of Jack, and the woods is as far out as I got for a few days... But my heart hurts today.. Thinking about how things came to be.. I dont blame God for taking her life.. I know we all live and die.. Its part of the plan.. But man... It hurts so bad, I wish someone could just give me a hug.. I guess thats all I really need anyway..
thanks for listening

Zysin

*hug*

I've never lost anyone I was close to, so I don't have any words of wisdom for you. But I did have an extra hug.

I wouldn't normally mention this, but seeing as you did mention God, have you considered any grief counselling through a church? They won't charge you anything and sometimes just being able to talk about how you are feeling can help.

I wish you all the best in life.

[edit on 7-7-2007 by Duzey]

Thank you Duzey You brightened my day up so much from just the little time you took out of your day for a total stranger

Yeah I mention God, becasue I know deep in my heart there is a creator. However I do not find solace within churches or other places like that. Everything I need is within me. Yet talking to those who know what it is like is what I would seek here.. As maybe I can help them threw there hard time in life, thats why I posted it.. Prehaps someone that is having a harder time than I will find this, and know that they are not alone in this world..
I found writting and playing music really helped me get threw some really nasty days like today..
So I wrote this today, I would like to share it with you all..

Flaws in Perfection-
No one is perfect as we all would like to be, only is the wind, only is the ground. There are so many places that I can be found.. Flaws of perfection are ever so clear, put together our deepest fears...So far away but right by our side, flaws in perfection never die Out Threw the window and into the clear.. Comes my thoughts ever so dear, from byond the grave, and past the hills, will come a feeling that would normally chill. but to me its becoming quite, the reasons you leave and the reason you die.. God only wants to see us cry, but not becasue she is mean, not because shes bad. Becasue it is an emotion that protrays true love and understanding, in so many ways, its not like she would have it any other way.


peace and love
Zysin

A little more writting I did that help me get threw...

All this time that has past. You never put me last.
I hold you in my arms tonight, you hold me in your heart forever.
I will never learn how to unlove you.
I will always fight for your rights, even though you might not be here.
I always feel that you are near.
I see your hair out the cornor of my eyes, and I tend to cry..
You wipe the tears from my cheek, and tell me its not so bleek.
Its a creek that flows threw out lives, its a storm drain passing in time..
washing away all of my fears, I will be with you soon enough my dear..
Until that time you want me to move on, untill we meet up byond the sun.
But so that everyone knows, and that you will see..
I can only take them to the sea. for I will always await you upon that beach.
All that know me, can truely say, I loved you in a very specail way..



As I read this poem I start to cry.. Becasue my emotions run my mind..
I meet people who once knew you, and then say, you only had one that took your soul away..
Hearing this brings me up, and brightens my day..
baby you know we wouldnt have it any other way!
It was always just the two of us aginst the world..
but you have transended time and space.. Where is my place..
I always say its with you. but you are not you..
You are the trees, and the passing wind. You are the stars in the sky now..
Even though you where always the stars in my night sky..
You where always the ground which the trees grew...
without my grounding I tend to fall.. but the roots that grew catch me where I fall.
So the next time Im out, and doing my thing.. I look to the sky
and see your name.. Your name of who you where, and who you shall be agin..
I await our next visit in the next world we go...
Will we be birds? Will we be trees?
It doesnt matter to me, aslong as we are rooted very closely...

Edit: fixed a couple grammer errors, might be more, sorry..hehe

[edit on 7-7-2007 by zysin5]

That's lovely. I'm glad you have something that helps you get through the tough times.

Oh My.

I am weeping for all the love lost in my own life

Incredibly powerful poetry zysin5!

Hi zysin...i read this thread thru another thread you posted on about john edward...
I know you resent the guy..but i just wanted to know if you attended or considered seeing him?

im not telling you to go see him lol
i was wondering if you resent him so much out of a personal experience...does that make sense...
im reading what i wrote and its coming out wrong...

Ilost my grandmother a few years back....and i kind of know what youre going thru.
My grandfather died a year ago (and he was my favourite person) and no amount of words of comfort can quite fill that void...nor can it make that sense of loneliness go away.

But the one thing you could do for your wife (im sure shes watching over you as we speak) is to remember her...talk about her and the wonderful things she did for you and others.
Dont let her departure of this world overshadow her life, and the life she lived with you

I too send you a big hug!

Originally posted by hot_acacia
Hi zysin...i read this thread thru another thread you posted on about john edward...
I know you resent the guy..but i just wanted to know if you attended or considered seeing him?

im not telling you to go see him lol
i was wondering if you resent him so much out of a personal experience...does that make sense...
im reading what i wrote and its coming out wrong...

Ilost my grandmother a few years back....and i kind of know what youre going thru.
My grandfather died a year ago (and he was my favourite person) and no amount of words of comfort can quite fill that void...nor can it make that sense of loneliness go away.

But the one thing you could do for your wife (im sure shes watching over you as we speak) is to remember her...talk about her and the wonderful things she did for you and others.
Dont let her departure of this world overshadow her life, and the life she lived with you

I too send you a big hug!

Thanks for the hug And I got what you are saying in your post so let me try to answer you best I can here...
At one time I was some what geared into thinking Edwards was the real deal. This was still when I was a sleeping soul. Being asleep will sertinly keep you closed off to many things in life, So much like everyone else I had my doubts but was still able to be manipulated.
I started then reading into Edwards, and finding many people discrediting him. Im like maybe he is for real, IF he will just talk to me one on one..
So after all this happens I write a very emotional letter to his show, producers ect..
I get contacted back saying Edwards only meets with the rich and powerful basicly, and he wouldnt be wasting his time on lil old me!! Unless I wanted to come see his show, and then to see the show you have to fill out all this crap, where they get your SS number and tons of info about you. So thats when it all started to fall apart for him in my eyes.
Not only did they want my info, but it costs money too.
So Edwards if I met him on the street would have no more of a clue about me and my wife than the man on the moon.. He gets all his info backgrounded before he comes on the show. I guess I knew this a while ago I just was pulling at strings here, I didnt want to let her go..
As with most people who lose someone, they have a hard time letting go.
I know she is gone, and your right, I always remember the good times we had and keep that close to my heart..
And people like Edwards will contiune to prey on the weaker minds that just cant let go..... sad really.

if you are just tuning in.. here is the Edwards thread we where talking about for referance..
www.abovetopsecret.com...'

Edit:added link

[edit on 8-7-2007 by zysin5]

Mate there is nothing i can personally say to make any sadness go away because you need to grieve to know your still alive and accept the way the world turns.

But do you think Naomi would be happy seeing the love of her life wasting away?

Flip it around imagine you had passed on and you looked down on her and saw how sad she was and was not allowing herself to live because of the pain of your death.

And you could only contact her once what would you say?

I would say " live your life and remember the good and happy times we shared, but you have to live on because i don't want you to be sad".

Because she wouldn't want you to be sad, she would want you to make the most of your life and be proud of yourself.

But i don't understand the loss of a spouse but a great loved family member i do. And i know right now i shed tears of the loss but i didn't cry any further because he was happy and at peace, and he would most likely slap me round the head because he wouldn't want the family to be upset.

You have to think of what she would say, because she is looking down on you.

**A hug from a friend to a friend**.

You can do it and you have to, because Naomi would want you to.

If you need to talk further about anything whether it is to do with this conversation or anything don't hesitate to u2u me.

Sorry for your loss mate but be strong.

Oni x x

Thanks for the energy everyone!! After posting this it made me feel so much better to get that out And even more so to hear the words from people who dont even know me! That means alot to me..

Now a few days later, I have started getting back on my feet agin. My friend started a catering Biz and hired me on as his GM. So I get to help him watch over the cooks he hired, and make sure eveyone is doing their jobs, and working face to face with clients. And the job started me off at 15$ an hour.. Its great how things can work out..

Also last night I met a very understanding woman named Katie.. She is very wonderful person, and truely understanding to my point in life. She has not judged me for what I have or dont have.. She sees me for the person I am from within.. ITs been such a long time since I have had anyone to hold me and just lay with me.. For me, I could do without the sex part of a relationship, I really just like the friendship that comes with it.. Sure sex is great and all, but should never be at the forefront..
She knows that, and its great.. Becasue I told her.. The last thing I want to do is make you feel like your just a replacment for someone..
At one time, I never thought I would be able to love agin.. Katie she said, I know you will always love her, and thats okay..
Its wonderful to find someone that can understand what its like.. I mean its the best thing in this world, that money can not buy
So after posting all this, and getting the energy. It manifested itself into my real life!!!
I would suggest anyone thats having issues please share with us your feelings, so that we may help manifest something great for you too!!

Thanks agin everyone!!

well it may not be as heavy as you losing your wife *hugs for that* but just two days ago we had to have my pug put down.... i knew she was old and it had to happen eventually but she's been in my life for so long that i never really thought the day would come... and i miss her dearly every day... just like my cat that was with me for my entire life untill just last year....
again not as heavy but i still miss them

I just wanted to add a picture to go with this thread in honor of the woman I loved so very much.. And still love her with all my heart to this day..

May you rest in peace baby..
age16




age 23


Naomi Shedd 1981-2001

She was so young and full of life.. I still cant belive she is gone from this world. Yet she is always with me.. Ive learned much while being here. And have opened my heart for all to see..
Its not easy standing before your peers, and bearing your heart, tears and inner thoughts..

But I do feel better now.. thanks for listening.



[edit on 18-9-2007 by zysin5]

Although I have not experienced a loss like yours....I have found it does always help to an extent to get it out....put it into words if you can....
Your wife was a beautiful woman...and although you miss her greatly...and your pain is still fresh...you know she would want you to be happy.

I can't say nothing that will make you feel good after the loss of a loved one, but wherever she is she's watchin' you and missin' you as much as you miss her. Everything in life has it's purpose, you WILL meet with her in time, I'm not suicidal but I've asked the same question to myself as to why life is like this, I never had a loss as you did but I was gettin' sick of the world. Our Earthly vessel may die but our soul lives on forever, our physical bodies have its limits but the soul can go on to the next vessel . She will be with you amigo ........ I'm gettin' emotional

reply to post by zysin5


Obviously you had the real thing with this woman, you were loved and genuinely cared about, and returned loyalty for loyalty... love for love... respect for respect... Your relationship had a literal foundation and that's a rare thing indeed. I'm happy for you that you were able to experience something so very real in life. Many seem to live out their entire lives without ever enjoying that type of quality and legitimacy along the way.

You'll be fine Zysin, despite the current devastation. I have no doubt that your soul is still filled with the love she put there, I'm confident that she built within you a strength which you'll only just now begin to truly realize the extent of.

Grieve, yes... I know you've lost everything. But in time you'll rebuild and as you do, she'll be somewhere nearby smiling in approval. Peace to you and yours.

fweshcawfee
steve-o
AccessDenied

Guys thanks!!! That really made my morning waking up and seeing your comments!!!

Its been a long week, and I was thankful to get this off my chest agin..
It comes and goes, some weeks are harder than others..
But hearing from you wonderful people always puts things in persective!

Thanks everyone.. You brought tears to my eyes. But in a good way!! Its good hearing from friends, and my peers..
Remeber if you have anything you would like to chatt with me about feel free to U2 me.. I will help you anyway I can

And remeber today is Pirate day!! Yarg!!!

[edit on 19-9-2007 by zysin5]

reply to post by zysin5


Zysin5...anytime.That is why we are all here.Sure we all have lives separate from ATS...but the people here is what keeps us all coming back...not just the topics discussed.Just like extended family.We all share each others highs and lows.I will extend the same invitation to you...if I can do anything, or you just need to chat..just a u2u away buddy..OK?
I have the utmost admiration for you right now.That was a deep hole to pull yourself out of. Just keep looking up at the sun, and moving forward, and each day will get just a little bit easier.AD

I cant say i know what it is like to lose someone close to you like that, and it is a surprising comfort to see how deeply you loved her. The only thing i can really say is i believe when you love like that the other will always be with you in all you do. Grieve by all means but dont waste away with it. I have to agree with Oni on this she would want you to be happy and enjoying your life. And i must say you are already taking positive steps forward and that is awesome. If you ever need someone to listen just say the word.

It took me 8 years to get over the only woman I ever loved. That's way too long and way too much wasted time but that's how it went. It's something you just have to work thru. I can say that turning to God helped me most of all.

I'm surprised you were married at such a young age. You say she was 23 when she passed but then go on to say she lived 1981 to 2001. Either way it's hard to see someone go at such a young age.

Anyway, you are still very young yourself and eventually you will think of her with less pain and more joy.

I too can relate to your pain albeit under slightly different circumstances.

4 years ago, I fell in love with a lady whom I met on the internet. Her name was Lynne. Man this hurts to even type this but I'll continue.... We had plans to get married. We loved each other. Big time. She was my first love and I'm 47 taboot. I was her first love. Neither of us got out a heck of a lot when younger. anyway, I digress a little bit so I'll keep this short. 2 years ago was the worst week of my life. On Nov 6th I found out that she had passed way due to Kidney failure. On Nov 7th I found out I was to be evicted from my apartment and on Nov 11th I was laid off from my job effective immediatly. I'll always remember the last phone conversation I had with her. Or at leas the ending of it. She ahd told me that she wasn't feeling good. I told her to get well and I loved her. She was my "Beloved".

That was 2 years ago. My friends almost .... shall we say .... lost me. I've improved a lot since then. I'm still not ready for even an attmpt at going into the "dating game" or at least how I've heard it called even though I've never viewed it as a game. In fact I wasn't even looking for love at the time. I just sorta walked into it face first. Little things remind me of her. I supect that they always will.

As a friend of mine put it "Time heals a lot of wounds but there will always be the small things that will remind you of her."

My friend was very right. I am no longer in danger of "taking the easy way out." But man, it's gonna take some time. That's the best advice I can give you. Give yourself time. Talk with friends. If you feel the need to then by all means release the tears. Don't bottle things up. It'llonly make things worse for you.

I try to live my life the way that she would have approved of. Butman, it can be so hard at times. At the risk of repeating myself, It'll take time to work things through.

Take care everyone.

and especially you.