libelous aspersion

Most of the time, I was unconscious, while I was there. When I would come to, I was like a stockholm syndrome - thinking I was supposed to be there. I was drugged and I'd known the man.

I'd thought he was my friend.

So I couldn't admit to myself what was happening and pretended to go along.

I think that's what saved my life. God gave me a moment of clarity when I came to while he was sleeping.

At the hospital, they treated me like a drug addict who'd done something wrong.
They brought a social worker in who threatened to take my children away. They didn't even examine my vagina. I was ripped to shreds. I bled for three weeks after. While at the hospital, in shock, I said -"My periods's early."
That's all I could manage, they didn't pick up. They were too busy trying to justify the whole thing to themselves. Women are whores, after all.

I was too much in shock to defend myself.

I was black from head to toe. The doctor almost threw up when he saw me. He immediately gave me 2 weeks leave from work.

The courts let him off, but the cops kicked the crap out of him.



[edit on 11-6-2007 by clearwater]

There are higher laws.

God preserved my children and my home, they didn't take my kids away for being raped and murdered.

Which was lucky because since the divorce my ex had been calling child services regularly telling them I was an abuser.

My mother had been abusive. She gave my brothers everything, my whole life the only money she ever gave me was 500 dollars. She would give my brothers anything they asked for.

One day she came to my house and said - Give me your daughter or I'm having child services take both your children away.

I told her to Go to Hell.

All her kids turned out troubled, mine are fine.

So I've gotten it from all sides. My dad died before he could help me.

[edit on 11-6-2007 by clearwater]

I didn't even realize how angry I was until I took it out on the Inquisitor for cheating. That's what nearly killed her.. if it wasn't for me, the whole French Quarter would be underwater...
...pissed me off, pissed off the god's too.
Marrying all his hybrids, now he's a bad husband, they all want to cheat, why don't you just have harems.

We would have destroyed the world, but decided to buy some time....



They're all cheaters and liars running around like there's no original sin. They think they can commit all manner of atrocity and destruction, all manner of deception and tyranny, and nothing will happen to them.

They watch the starving people and think they're better than them.


[edit on 11-6-2007 by clearwater]

Plus I was compared to an unhelpable nerd who inevitably kill themselves.

He's just like all the others. Can't admit there was a wrong done, defend the status quo.

Philistines. You know you're days are numbered, it makes you worse not better.

[edit on 11-6-2007 by clearwater]

I turn my back on them.




Hee hee, I have a consultation with a plastic surgeon today at 1:30. I am going to look like a kid again....I don't have the 4500 to 6000 grand yet, but that's not that much.

God will provide.

[edit on 11-6-2007 by clearwater]

Originally posted by clearwater
Hee hee, I have a consultation with a plastic surgeon today at 1:30. I am going to look like a kid again....I don't have the 4500 to 6000 grand yet, but that's not that much.

Clearwater, I don't know how open you are to suggestion, but if I may be so bold, I'd like to offer an alternate possibility...

My sister was in a very abusive marriage, with a story similar to yours, including a lack of parental support from her own parents. To our parents, and her husband's parents, abuse from the husband was just a part of "how a man kept order in his family". Thank god my family has grown beyond that stance in the last decade or so, but it took a lot of ugly confrontations, self-introspection, and drama in general. My sister's ex never experienced that reconciliation and redemption.

It was much the same thing, mental and physical abuse on my sister, always coupled wth the message that no other man would ever want her again, and that she was "lucky" he put up with her. She made excuse after excuse until the day he laid into her while she was holding their infant baby. Then she finally told my brother and I about it. I won't go into many details, but let's just say they involved a baseball bat, and he won't leave his car in my presence anymore.

My sister went a bit nuts after that. I'm not into judging my sister's attractiveness, but she was in a LOT better shape before the marriage. 2 years married to that arsehat of hers ruined her in many, many physical and mental ways. After the divorce, her first instinct was to find another man, and she started hopping from bed to bed, trying to find a would-be husband and father to replace her shattered marriage. She couldn't understand why men would only use her for sex and then split on her.

So she figured the solution lay in surgery. She'd fix her weight first, then her scars, her face, her chest, etc... She started saving, and then told me her plan. Thank god, it was one of the few times she actually listened to me.

The problem with surgery to fix alleged "flaws" in one's looks is that you will NEVER be happy with the result. Ever. You'll immediately find another thing that needs fixing. You will throw thousands, and thousands, and thousands of dollars towards doctors in the hope that if you could only fix that one last flaw, your life will change, you will be happy, men will want you, you will be happy with yourself, etc...

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Yeah, maybe it'll help you land a lay for the night, maybe it'll cause people who never met you before to let their eyes linger a bit longer, and it might even give you a tiny, temporary boost of confidence that lasts only so long as it takes for you to discover a new imagined flaw that must be fixed. You'll never get happiness with plastic surgery, you'll only get a temporary fix, and end up even more miserable than you were beforehand when you realize it didn't fix your life. Thousands, upon thousands of dollars, towards something that has no lasting value, no resale value, no emergency source of funds, nothing.

So here's what I convinced my sister to do instead. Get an education so she can support herself and her child. Invest that money into a future for herself and her boy. With her meager savings and Dad's help, she started off going to a junior college, majored in computer science, and dad and I tutored her for as long as I could, but eventually she surpassed my meager skills, and even those of the junior college, and got a scholarship to a major university because her GPA was insanely high, constantly.

She put all her anger, resentment, self-loathing, fear, and hope into that degree. She worked her ass off late into the night, and graduated Sigma Cum Laud from SMU, and I couldn't even begin to touch her knowledge on the subject.

She's now a Brass Hat being groomed for a VP position making arseloads of cash. She's known as the single hardest and smartest worker at her entire site. To give you an idea of how valuable she's made herself to the company, they gave her a 17% raise last year. That may not sound like much, but considering you have to significantly overachieve your goals to get a 3% raise at her company, that's should give something of an idea.

She has an incredible amount of self-respect now. She never did do anything to fix her body, in fact, she's rather overweight, and she still has some plainly visible scars. But she's beautiful to look at because she carries her head high, she provides very well for her and her child, and what's more, she KNOWS she's earned the respect of her entire family and co-workers and friends. I'm so proud of her I could bust. She went from a horrible place in the world, and instead of giving in to the self-loathing and trying to hide her problems with plastic, she attacked her situation head-on and beat it into the ground, buried it, and grew crops on the remains.

God doesn't give a damn what you look like, and frankly, no one here does either. What really matters is what you do with your life, your self, and your future.

If you really want to be in a better place, invest that money towards bettering yourself, either through education, or if you've already got one, then put it towards an intelligent investments or an interest bearing account. Money may not buy you happiness, but it can sure act as a fine vehicle towards that destination. And the confidence a real investment in yourself brings will far, far outweigh the ephemeral flesh.

And cheater banned Agnes Maria, because the little red tank had a run in. The little red tanks the biggest bully going cheater. At least I wasn't the only one, there were a few of them.

Tigers don't do well there, too much principle.

What are you defending cheater? The right to have slaves?

[edit on 11-6-2007 by clearwater]

I'm sorry for your sister libra, and I understand what you're saying, but it's not the same case.

I'm not concerned with looking perfect. I want a new beginning.

I have that already, I want it better.

I really don't care what people think, they probably all think I'm nuts. But I know what the truth is.

People think they're so free in North America, what a load of hooey, women aren't even allowed to be women.

Everyone's a TV worker drone.



[edit on 11-6-2007 by clearwater]

You've got a point there about the job libra, I've worked lots of them.

I might have been promoted at the firm I was working in when I was assaulted. Most of the jobs I've had didn't pay enough for one person to live on let alone three.

I can't work in the government because I have a mental block to French. I was never that good at it, but I'm was abused in Quebec. I'm the only person in my family who doesn't speak French.

There's not much opportunity here for a middle aged woman with a history of nose wiping. If God wanted me to have a great job I would have.

If he wants me to die in the gutter for him, I will.

Besides, I am working, put a quad to bed, and I run a poetry workshop at John Howard...

And it's not that I can't get laid, it's that I don't want to.

He can bloody well marry me first.

Or Pay for it.

Hahahahahahahahahaa

Originally posted by clearwater
There's not much opportunity here for a middle aged woman with a history of nose wiping.

My sister was a middle-aged woman with no professional skills whatsoever. She managed a pretty good rise. The idea that you can't achieve success just because you're a woman, over 30, and a mother, is nothing but self-delusion brough about from years of being told you can't. If you really wanted, you could do damn near anything in the world.

Tell me, if you never had to work again, what would you do with your spare time?

Originally posted by clearwater
If God wanted me to have a great job I would have.

If he wants me to die in the gutter for him, I will.

Time for some tough love.

That, m'dear, is nothing more than a cop-out to do nothing. It's easy to die. It requires no more effort than walking out to a freeway overpass and jumping over the edge into traffic. It doesn't even require a weapon. But if you're going to take the cowardly route, at least wait till an 18-Wheeler is approaching, so you don't end up killing some family of four on holiday.

The Lord helps those whom help themselves.

If you take the approach that "X won't happen unless God wants it to", then you might as well find that freeway overpass, because pretty soon you can apply it to anything and everything in your life. Why bother walking to the toilet, when if God wanted your excrement to land in the bowl, it would fly across the room, into the bathroom, open the lid, and deposit itself. If God didn't want you to starve, hot-pockets would magically appear in your freezer, they'd heat themselves up, float to your mouth, and force you to chew and swallow. If God wanted you to have some physical flaw fixed, you wouldn't even need surgery, it'd just disappear...

I'm sorry, but it's inane to put that kind of pressure on God. You have got to help yourself. God will provide you some subtle opportunities here and there, but he's not going to wipe your nose and go to job interviews for you.

You need to take a little more control over your life. In your past, you were abused and controlled by your ex. In your present, you abuse yourself and let yourself be controlled by the past. And now, just like before, you have surrendered all control over your life to something besides yourself. That way, you never have to take responsibility for the condition of your life, what happens to you, or anything else, and it becomes the burden of society to care for you, in lieu of God.

I'm sorry, but that's just a monumental cop-out. I have every single ounce of sympathy for you in the world, but having dealt with abuse in my own family, my own self, my sister, and various friends, it's gonna take YOU deciding to do something about it. It's going to take YOU taking action. It's going to take YOUR decision that you won't let anyone control you, ever again.

God's happy you've given him your soul. That's great. Now he wants you to get on with your life and start helping other people, starting with yourself.

OK, send me the money for a Masters. Maybe I'll write a best selling novel, then I can crap on the provincial plebs that think they're moral when they're only lucky.

Maybe God just didn't make me a career woman. What kind of world expects everyone to be fricking Atlas.

I'm a mother for God's sakes. Why isn't that a job.

It's harder than working.

[edit on 11-6-2007 by clearwater]

Originally posted by clearwater
OK, send me the money for a Masters.

Well, I don't have the money to send you, but if you're considering money for plastic surgery, then the money is probably there somewhere. However, there are a number of scholarship programs out there.

Additionally, you need not neccessarily go get a degree... investing your money wisely can be a huge relief of strain on you. Shoot... $5000 just in a HSBC account will net you around $50-100/mo depending on your interest rate. May not sound like much, but sit and let that grow for a year and it turns into $6000, then it turns into $7000 even faster, then $8000, etc, and that's at just a lame 5% growth rate.

However, overall, the best use of money is in getting an education, which will always increase your salary potential.

Originally posted by clearwater
Maybe I'll write a best selling novel, then I can crap on the provincial plebs that think they're moral when they're only lucky.

You don't need a masters to write a bestselling novel. All you need is a great idea and a blank page, and the discipline to sit down and write each day till it's done. That last part is the hardest. Everyone I know has a book they're working on. I've only known 2 to ever finish.

But moreover, most people get about the same amount of luck. Granted, there's a couple of people out there who just can't help but fall face-first into money, or were born into a wealthy family that gives them everything they want.

Truth be told though, most people are like you and me. We have our really bad times, a few good times, and the rest of our life is the sum total of our decisions.

The world poured sympathy upon Hurricane Katrina victims at first. THAT was horrible luck. There was a lot less sympathy when it turned out a lot of those FEMA trailers were being used for meth labs. THAT was horrible choice. Someone might win the lottery, and that's fantastic luck, but then they go and throw it away on stupid things, and end up bankrupt. That's a rotten choice.

My sister had the horrible luck of meeting an abusive arsehat. She made the horrible choice of marrying him. She made the great choice of leaving him. She had the great luck to time it at just the right time that dad had a few hundred he could throw her way towards ensuring his daughter could be self-sufficient. But she made the choice to work her arse off once she was in college to become an honors student. She was super-lucky to get a job offer at a great company, but she made the choice to accept the job, show up for work each day, and work harder and smarter than those around her.

Do you see what I mean? Overall, everyone has good and bad luck, and there's nothing anyone can do about luck. But luck alone isn't usually enough. You find $100 on the street, that's great luck. What you do with that $100 is your choice though.

Originally posted by clearwater
Maybe God just didn't make me a career woman.

I don't think God micromanages most people. Sure, God has prophets here and there, or people who are called, but overall, I think god gave us free will for a reason. God didn't want the task of sitting down and saying "You, you be a plumber. You, you be an out-of-work dad. You, you be a housewife. You, you be a CEO." Instead, God more or less sets things in motion, and lets us decide our own fate.

So, you are correct in that God didn't make you a career woman, but God didn't make you anything except a human female. The rest God left up to you to decide.

Originally posted by clearwater
What kind of world expects everyone to be fricking Atlas.

I think it's fair to say no one expects you to bear the weight of the world on your shoulders, but everyone expects everyone else to at least pull their own weight.

Originally posted by clearwater
I'm a mother for God's sakes. Why isn't that a job.

It's harder than working.

I would never remotely claim motherhood isn't a job, nor would I ever claim that any job was harder than that of being a parent. Being a parent is the single most difficult and occasionally the least rewarding and always the most demanding job in the entire world. How anyone lives through it and comes out sane at the end is beyond me. I myself am right about to be a father in the next three months, and while I'm doing all the right things to be prepared, I'm still terrified at the monumental task ahead of me.

However, part of being a parent is ensuring the basic needs for your children are met, and that they are able to eventually fend for themselves without your help. When you're married, that burden can be shared equally between the caregiver and the breadwinner, but when you're single, you have to become both. That is a burden I wouldn't wish on anyone, but it is there nonetheless. My heart honestly goes out to every single mother and single father out there. Without my wife, I don't know how I'd possibly manage raising a kid and a career at the same time.

So, I honestly do empathize, sympathize, and know first-hand how hard things are for you right now. I can tell you all day how much it sucks, how much I'll pray for you, how much I hope things get better, etc... and that's all fine and good, but at the end of the day, it means nothing except a temporary ego boost. What I'm hoping to accomplish with all this is to help you get out of the situation your ex put you in, and get you started on the path to a better life for you and your kids. If you want, I'll kindly shut up and I'll put my advice where the sun don't shine. My opinion was never solicited from you, and I never asked if you wanted to hear it, so I'll understand completely.

But if you're willing to give it a go, I can help.

Well, I can be murdered and life goes on.

Women live in tyranny.

I was only joking about the money. That's lovely you have it to invest.

The plastic surgeon was a real gem. But he's too old, I want a young cute one. There isn't any money for it. My friend who makes alot of money, no I'm not sleeping with him, was going to give it to me.

He just got hit with a 60,000 dollar fine.

So it's out. Something else will come up. I could start working my 15 dollar an hour job full time, but I'd wind up with less money.

Besides, I have Post Traumatic Stress now, and don't sleep right.

I'd be psychotic if I lost too much sleep and couldn't catch it up. Mind you, the universe told me that wouldn't happen again.

[edit on 11-6-2007 by clearwater]

The plastic surgeon was cute though, he said, "I'm only showing you the pretty pictures not the fat ones...hhahahahaha

He said, I don't need lipo or muscle tightening, he was impressed with my muscles.

My friends living with another woman, he's not my boyfriend. He really believes in God though. He runs an association, I work with him sometimes doing transcripts and stuff.

He spent 15,000 dollars of his own money to get an innocent man, whose since been exonerated, out of jail.

I told him about my tummy tuck wish and he offered a loan at first. Then he was hit with the big fine, exactly 10 times the tummy tuck.

He said he thought it's because he didn't just give it to me.

He murdered me, because he infected me, that must be why he bloodied me up.
You know, everybody around here has hepatitis. I just ran into someone I know who got it too and went through treatment then cleared it.

I didn't get sick, I just had to sleep 12 hours a night for a year.

The doctor told me I didn't have to worry about it, that I'm immune and not contagious.

This guy said he cleared it after treatment and they want him back for testing every three years.

why would they want to test him every three years and cut me loose saying I have nothing to worry about?

He did get sick though.

I told the doctor about the year of sleeping and the assault, the still seemed to think I had been infected long ago. But he was an idiot who wrote down sexual encounter for a brutal rape.

I told him I'd never been in jail and he asked me three more times.

If I'd gone with my diplomat friend in his fancy suit, that doctor would have kissed my azz.

Maybe I should check that out more. I don't even want to think about it. It's strange, I'm the suicidal girl who doesn't want to die....

[edit on 11-6-2007 by clearwater]

Why do you think so many people who post on boards want the stupid world to end.

All the thirsting after judgment and justice.

It's a joke. There is no authority in this world that has the right to do what is happening here.