How Many Times to Apologize for Old Mistakes Before Giving Up?

Hey everyone

Just wanted your opinion on something:

My partner and I fight constantly about some very bad mistakes I made earlier in the relationship

I have acknowledged and admitted to them, and made heartfelt apologies for them, MANY times, and I have requested of her that she not bring them up or use them against me any more

However no matter what I say she just never lets me live down these old mistakes! and it is a constant source of bitterness and tension....

Part of me wants to just give up and pursue other women because I am so tired of it.... I am so fed up with the tension and heartache.... and yet I love her dearly! and I don't want to give up what we had either....

How long must I keep paying for the same damn mistakes?? Should I just break it off with her completely?

Advice anyone....?

Sounds like a corrosive environment...one that will deteriorate with time if past mistakes are always used as ammunition. Doesn’t sound healthy friend...

Perhaps, a direct approach would serve best.

"Look here. I screwed up. Yes, I admit it, and we've been through that time and time again. If our relationship can't move beyond it then perhaps we have none."

???

At least it puts the ball in the other court? No?

If this helps, Fine. Otherwise, keep us informed.

>Originally posted by 12m8keall2c
>Perhaps, a direct approach would serve best.

>"Look here. I screwed up. Yes, I admit it, and we've been through that time and time again. If our relationship can't move beyond it then perhaps we have none."

Yes EXACTLY I have even said almost those exact words!

>At least it puts the ball in the other court? No?

Yes, the problem is, she is sort of passive-aggressive; if I put the ball in her court she'll just kick it into my face! :p It's like she expects me to move mountains and walk on water to make everything right with her.... which of course I can't do...

>If this helps, Fine. Otherwise, keep us informed.

Will do!

Part of me wants to just give up and pursue other women because I am so tired of it.... I am so fed up with the tension and heartache.... and yet I love her dearly! and I don't want to give up what we had either....

It's a fact of life that's unavoidable: the decisions we make carry consequences.

Edit: Speaking to that fact, here's my favorite quote of all time.

"In the private chambers of the soul, the guilty party is identified, and the accusing finger there is not legend, but consequence, not fantasy, but the truth. People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead."
- James Baldwin

If you read that and take it to heart, remember that it can work both ways. If you allow yourself the easy way out, you may suffer more for that decision. Or, you may become (remain?) a very unhappy person because you stayed in the relationship.

How long must I keep paying for the same damn mistakes?? Should I just break it off with her completely?

How long? Maybe forever. It depends on the severity of the mistakes. An apology is important, but it's not like a get out of jail free card. If you hurt her deeply by acting foolishly, she's not going to heal according to your timetable. While you may be suffering because of her actions, she undoubtedly suffered because of yours.

If your own suffering is a more pressing concern for you than hers, I'm pretty confident that it's not real love, maybe a combination of lust and shame (that's rough, I know). Love, in my experience, is mutual self-sacrifice.

Maybe the way your girlfriend sees it, she's already proven her devotion, and now it's time for you to do the same.

I'm not saying she's doing the right thing, it sounds like she may be making a mistake as well. But if you give her time maybe she'll learn from her mistakes the same way you learned from yours...


[edit on 11-9-2006 by WyrdeOne]

I think this depends on how long ago these 'mistakes' were made. If it was in the last year, you might have to suck it up for a while.

However, if it was five years ago, it's time to leave because it will never end.

Originally posted by Duzey
I think this depends on how long ago these 'mistakes' were made. If it was in the last year, you might have to suck it up for a while.

However, if it was five years ago, it's time to leave because it will never end.

It's been at least two years! More like THREE!

Originally posted by millerman
It's been at least two years! More like THREE!

In my experience, it will never end. You will be punished for mistakes of the past forever. I could write more...but in the end, my answer would be the same.

WyrdeOne wrote:

>Maybe the way your girlfriend sees it, she's already proven her devotion, and now it's time for you to do the same.

Yes, she definitely wants a grandiose display of devotion...

Which I AM willing to do, however I'd really be sticking my neck out and there's a chance I could be badly badly hurt!

I don't know how to trust her not to hurt me!

If your girlfriend isn't capable of giving you a clean slate....and I do mean a clean slate....no dirt, it's been aired...same may go for her too....clean slate. You can not go on like this much longer, if she can't forget, then I would move on... because dirty slates can't ever be cleaned if the dishwashers broken! It's a problem that WILL always be thrown in your face.

Originally posted by millerman
It's been at least two years! More like THREE!

If I was in this situation (and I was) I would give her two options: counselling for couples or end the relationship.

If you are getting things thrown in your face after 2 years, this relationship is seriously unhealthy.

Originally posted by jensouth31
If your girlfriend isn't capable of giving you a clean slate....and I do mean a clean slate....no dirt, it's been aired...same may go for her too....clean slate. You can not go on like this much longer, if she can't forget, then I would move on... because dirty slates can't ever be cleaned if the dishwashers broken! It's a problem that WILL always be thrown in your face.

Agreed 100% jensouth

This has definitely gone on WAY too long, and it cannot continue like this much longer....

But I don't think I could cut her out of my life even if I tried! :bnghd:

Yeah that's a hard call to make. []being happy....[]being miserable....

Pick one! I'm sure there are things you might do together like getting help to fix the problem...I don't have any faith in that, but maybe it's an option for you.

We've all been in this sort of situation, not that the situation IS the same. When I was newly married almost 20 years ago.... we both threw things in each others face. I threw my old boyfriend at him, and he threw his old girlfriend at me.
After about 2 years of that, we decided we had to never, ever do it again.... no matter what...or we were going to be getting a divorce! Our releationship couldn't stand those obstacles! We both held that promise, and never have in 18 years done that again.

jensouth31 wrote:

>Yeah that's a hard call to make. []being happy....[]being miserable....

>Pick one!

Well, my vote is for being Happy! ;-)

But it is clear that the burden of making all this work lies with me....

I do love her and I am willing to try but she has hurt me SO many times.... how in the world am I supposed to trust her not to hurt me again???

What specifically is she bringing out from the closet?

Can you tell us your mistake.

Because some mistakes are just unforgivable.

But others, she might need to get over.

Originally posted by WolfofWar
What specifically is she bringing out from the closet?

Can you tell us your mistake.

Because some mistakes are just unforgivable.

But others, she might need to get over.

Well, it is very private so I don't want to go into too much detail

But basically she is sort of a drama-queen and exhibitionist, she has this way of putting me on the spot and putting pressure on me, when a lot of people are around... like we always have to deal with everything in front of the whole damn world....

She KNOWS I hate it but keeps doing it to me anyway

I've tried to tell her many times that it upsets me and that my way is to hash things out privately... and for her to continue to taunt and provoke me is ABUSE

One time my temper finally got out of control, and although I have NEVER hit her or harmed her physically, I guess she is afraid that I might sometime..... because of the terrible things I said and the threats I made.....

She has also done other things and hurt me badly many times.... which I don't want to talk about here as it is too sensitive....

So basically it's like we love each other dearly but we hurt each other a lot and it is almost impossible for us to trust each other!

Like these days she refuses to even call and leave a "Hi it's Natalianna, do you want to go for a coffee and talk?"-type message on my machine!

I KNOW we could work things out if we could just drop all the drama and insanity and mistrust and just learn to talk peacefully with each other....

It pretty much sounds like it's already over....only that both of you are in denial of that fact. Somebody needs to go ahead & cut the last thread!

I have to tell you though being constantly humiliated in front of a bunch of people would have done the trick for me a long, long time ago! I don't believe in airing dirty laundry for everyone to see.

Originally posted by millerman
She KNOWS I hate it but keeps doing it to me anyway

That shows a total lack of respect for you, your feelings and for the other people who are subjected to the very uncomfortable spectacle of watching her go at you. I agree with jensouth31. This relationship is over.

I'm sorry.

Originally posted by Duzey

Originally posted by millerman
She KNOWS I hate it but keeps doing it to me anyway

That shows a total lack of respect for you, your feelings and for the other people who are subjected to the very uncomfortable spectacle of watching her go at you. I agree with jensouth31. This relationship is over.

I'm sorry.

LOL it's okay

I've been there many times

She has gone with other guys, and I with other girls, and we have tried our best to deal

But have you ever noticed how, even in a world with 6 billion people, there'll be a certain handful of people that your fate just gets bound up with inextricably, and inexplicably? Like, they just keep popping up in your life even if you aren't looking for them?

She is one of those people.... call it synchronicity, or serendipity, or destiny, or God or whatever.... but all I know is that, even though we have this quite god-awful mess of a relationship, and we spend a lot of time apart from each other and screwing around on each other.... she is always close by in other ways, know what I mean? Like we just know what each other are thinking, stuff like that....

So she will always be a part of my life somehow, even if we are not together.... I guess I've learned to deal with it....

6 times. After the 6th time, it becomes annoying of being reminded how you are such a bad person. Sometimes, no matter how in love you are with a person, they can't stay together cause they hate each other's guts.