What do I have to do to get a date?

I am 30 years old, and I am actaully scared now that I might turn 40 without ever having a family to call my own. I truely have only been happy when I have someone special to hold and care for, becasue she would care about me. I am not the person to live like a celibate monk, it took me a while but I have found that out. I don't know what more information is needed, to help others understand the problems I have. This is more of a cry for help, since I ma going no where.

Last 4 dates I have were horrible,

one was with a girl who said she had brown hair and an "Average build" yet was ratehr over weight, to the point I couldn't get my arms all the way around her, and she wasa blond. that felt so wierd concidering I thoguht she was going to be NOT seriously overweight. Not that I have a problem with it, but it is an honesty issue.

Second one was thru online dating service. The whole date was a flop, we really had no shared interests, she was more wrapped up in her job and didn't understand why I was more interested in somthing I disagreed with (She was the head of an originized student lobby)

Thrid was an arraged group date between mutual firends, hardly ever was abel to talk to her. I think she was dis-interested the momment she saw me. She had a rather sucessful life ahead of her, while i was scum

Last one we contacted eachother via the internet, and it seems we had so much in common, and it would be a perfect match. I traveled 40 miles to meet her and have lunch, only to find out the next day she e-mailed me the previosu evening (Which I never got) that she was going ot be mowing her mothers lawn. She rather mow her mothers lawn then meet me?!?

Yes, I do have low self-esteem problems, but that is who I am, I need a cheerleader in my life to make me feel better then I normally do.

I don't go out to bars or nightclubs, and I am constantly trying to figure out if Girls are married by looking at the ring finger (sometimes it jsut means they are not looking) yet I cannot get any kind of courage to talk to them when half the time they look at me like they found me on the bottom of thier shoes.

Whould wearing a T-# saying "I am a Single man, looking for Single Woman" help? That is about where I think I am. I just can't go out and ask someone.

ANd I have no friends to help me. Yes folks, no friends, all of the ones in High school didn't care what happened to me.

Okay.. im rambling, but the basic message is.. how the heck am I suppose to get a date when I have all of these problems?

well, allow me to play arm-chair rico sauve.


Wait, I'm a loser as well.


sorry man I was really going to try then started thinking about how much I suck.


well 1 rule is i'd stay away from online dating sites.

self confidence? hmmm no easy way to build it up you know, I do know for one you need to assert yourself, and why feel like your are less than anyone else. I know it can be hard, but you gotta just remember we are all disgusting animals that we're crapped out by our mothers into this chaotic world.

So really we are all equally disgusting.

Dont try and to pretend to be anyone else, alyways be yourself man.


Well what intrests do you have? IMO you just need to meet people in general, socialize and network amongst friends.

We all need friends, we all need social interaction, it helps us remember we arent so strange and bizarre, thank god for all my #ed up friends. (counts to himself, 1... 2 /nods)



My problem is I dont like people, I'll meet a girl everything is cool then I'm like wow, it's only been a few days and I've already began to realised how #ed up this person is.

Maybe I just been meetting the wrong people you know?


You just need to hang in there and learn to not be afraid to approach women , just know if they are out of your league before hand or prepare yourself for possible rejection :p


AND DONT ACT LIKE A FREAK

that so scares them off, well unless they themselfs are freaky

and well quite frankly there is nothing wrong with that.

I feel for you, but i think its going to have to start with you,

You need to find ways of gaining confidence and getting yourself some friends,

can you join a club or something that you are interested in? Where you will meet like minded people?

how about going to a night collage, taking up a course in somthing you like?

What about doing some volenteer work? Again a great way to just meet people...

I had to go 6000 miles to find someone. We met online, and she's been the best thing to ever happen to me. It's been really hard because of the distance, but we're still together, and getting married once she's here.

Here is my stock answer to this question; it worked for me.

Learn how to play the guitar and sing a little.
Go to open mike nites in coffee houses and bars.
Wear a silly hat and sunglasses.
Fake it till you make it.

Not only do you meet tons of women; you get to have fun with other people in silly hats and sunglasses.

Three chords and three weeks to instant popularity. If you don't want to go to bars, just sit on your porch or go to the park, a little slower but still works!

Jehosephat, start now, you can thank me later.
And don't give me any of that "I'm not musical BS"
I know you have a soul, express it!


Remember Rule 62!!!

edit: for some reason guitar players score more than bass players;
one of lifes constant mysterys.





[edit on 15-10-2005 by whaaa]

[edit on 15-10-2005 by whaaa]

Many Women from their late 20's onwards are looking for a guy that can provide security (emotionally and financially) as a basis to having a family.

That's the sort of woman that you are looking for, so ask yourself whether you are what they are looking for?

Do practical evening courses in gardening and decorating as it's a good way to make friends, and when you get talking to a woman, offer to go around and do some gardening or whatever for her.

Learn to cook a couple of exotic meals, and say in conversation that you like cooking but don't have anyone to cook for. She might suggest you could cook her a meal.

Women like men to be confident, dynamic, and well dressed. If you are well dressed then you also feel more confident. Read some books on what not to wear, and avoid wearing red. Buy some Gautier Le Male aftershave, women love it.

Women also like a sense of humor so learn a few short really bad silly jokes. If you speak to a woman in a bar introduce yourself as someone famous. Be humorous but don't act a fool. Buy the series "Little Britain" on DVD!

Women like to be complimented, but don't over so it.

And remember, women never go for men that seem desperate, so don't look like you are trying too hard else they will think you are a creep. Play it cool and be relaxed.

Practice starting a conversation with a woman without trying to get a date. Start conversations with women of all ages, regardless of whether they are married.

Start with small things to build your confidence when approaching women. Go home from work, get smart, and then go to the supermarket every day. The evenings on weekends are also a good time to go as there is a higher chance the women will be single, not have many friends, and not out on a date.

If you see a woman on her own looking at some food next to you, ask her what she recommends etc. follow up her answer with "What's the best way to serve it" etc. and then "Thanks for your help it was nice meeting you"

Remember, you are not talking to try and get a date, just to build your confidence so talk to any woman of any age. After you have spoken to her, then feel good about yourself for having the bottle to say something.

Also look at the women serving at the checkouts. Go to one you like rather than the shortest queue.

Anyway that's my advice.

I say focus on yourself for now. Make yourself the most attractive you can be in all aspects of your life. Women like in dependant, attractive, funny, stable, cool guys.

Think about these things and work on it without being something you're not. Try hitting the gym regularly. Women not only like fit guys, but they can see you are committed to something and that relates to other areas.

Work on yourself in these areas and the confidence will come naturally.

id have to say when you talk to people dont think as if, i want to go out with this person, think as if, im just asking a question

it makes it heaps easy to talk

if they want to talk back they will give a long answer
or another question to you or something

Im in the same boat.

Ive found meeting the best people OUTSIDE of bars.

The gym (track actually) (and no you dont have to be super fit to be there....) is a pretty good spot as one person already mentioned.

And hobbies, interests etc really help. Anytime your out of the house its great. And the best thing about meeting people at your hobby or club etc is that you already have something in common.

Guitar is mine and it definately does help.

They say the supermarket is a great place to meet women. I still never got that one though. Just how do you approach someone in that situation? I saw a real babe buying CHEESE last week and I really wanted to talk to her. Then you think to yourself, whats your opening? Do you like limburger cheese too?

I dont think so...

As red green once said: "remember, we are all in this together"

Well the first thing you need to do is post a picture of yourself here so all the girls can see how datable you are

I am not exactly sure as to what for you want access to a woman...by this is mean long term or short term.

Nevertheless...short or long term ..what do you really have to offer a woman..in the asset department? Is just having a pulse enough.???? I realize this has alot to do with your sense of security about yourself but you need to understand that most women can spot insecurity in a man miles away like radar in the dark. Long or Short term men ..

Also another point about your post at the begining of this thread..dont waste your time looking at a womans ring finger. Lots of married and single women out there wear rings and for different reasons. It doesnt necessarily mean much to some of them.
They know confidence too...the married ones. Dont ever be so dumb you dont realize that many of them hunt and gather too. The first time you run across this you will be shocked...get over it ..its real life. Lots of wildlife out there ...good and bad.

Also Jehosephat...if you are looking for a woman long term...dont just accept the fact that she only needs a pulse to suit you. Be sure you know and understand about the real assets a woman has to offer beyond pulse and biology. If you are going to hunt and gather a woman today ...dont just settle for the appearence of womanhood. Make sure you are getting the real deal...by this I mean real value not the appearence of value.. long term or you will be a miserable man if you dont learn the difference.

Just as I spoke of in women.....women can spot confidence in a man ..the real deal..not just the appearence of confidence in a man. It takes work and commitments to be a man. You cannot buy more manhood by buying a certain kind of car or stereo,in a squeeze tube or spray can...etc etc..manhood is made from the inside out. Same with womanhood. Not from the outside in as is so acceptable to so many women today. Many men today do not know this difference and what it portends.

This is alot for you to consider when you are so insecure but I can assure you it will become a factor for you in the future.

Thanks,
Orangetom

I am no expert when it comes to women-what man is, but I have a few idea's for u that "may" help.
I was in your shoes and nothing was working-infact the harder I tried, the worse it was.
Want to know what seemed to change the ladies-was changing me. U need to have a woman as a close friend to learn things dates and girlfriends will never tell u. I learned that a woman can spot a guy tring too hard-read a panting dog, from miles away and worse, nothing chases most women away faster than a panting dog. Well, I was in school and decided to put 100% into learning and women would wait till later. Well, wihout realizing it, my interactions with women turned intojust dealing with a person, as opposed to a woman. It took time, but soon I started to get friendly with a fellow student (she was studing the same thing as me). Not long after that another student stopped me and just started to talk, first about computer then me.
Yeah, this caused a little issue with the first one.

Case 2, my bud, Joe, was also looking very hard for a woman and not going anywhere. I convinced him to stop trying and consintrate on work-he is a trucker. Well, a week or 2 ago he was telling me about taling to some very nice (personality) ladies who happened to be very hot too. I convinced him not to hit on them, but just talk to them as people-not hot babes. He did so and they like him-he is really a very nice person. Well, it turns out that he likes one specificly and she actually called his shop to see if he was making delivers in her area.

This may sound silly, but it worked for me and my friend and I hink it can work for u. The real difference will be you first make a friend and then let your friend decide she likes u. This lets u know what she looks like as well as her personality, hopes dreams and such. Will it always get u the girl, no. But it does have a good track record-given time.

I hope this helps u.

Here I am


Of note... I will not take up a music instrament since I have no musical talent. I break Kazoo's I am so bad at music. but I have great taste in music. SOrry, no Guitar, goofy hat and sungalsses for me.

I am going to attempt to take up Curling this winter. THo the league is segregated as far as women/men, except for one night where it is mixed. As far as other groups of joining I have no idea, and too often I have had poor experainces. besdies I rather not have to do a lot of physical activity since work is rather demanding for me... too often taht is what volunteer work entails.

My biggest problem is getting them to notice me. Too often when I start having a conversation I start to panic as in "OMG, A FEMALE IS ACTAULLY TALKING TO ME!!!". Heck, I ran away after I had my first kiss. I really don't know what to do to get them to talk to ME. instead of me talkign to them and not being able to keep the conversation alive.

I do like to cook (and htink I am fairly good at it), but like you have said, I have no one to cook for. And I have not been able to even have a relationship long enough to where cooking for them was appropriate.

In fact, I dont think I have a clue what is appropriate in beginning relationships anymore. It gets confusing for me when I have had a girlfreind who was one take making out with me, but then a few days later has lost all interest in me.

I am a great kisser... tho too often people laugh when i say that.. which hurts a lot.

I am great with animals, and especailly like cats.

I can do minor maintinace with on cars.

I have a 2nd degree Black belt in Tae Kwon Do

I am very savvy with computers and gadgets, even have my own website

I spend a lot of time raeding Sci-Fi books, tho I have found out I use it mainly as an escape from the real world... as I do the internet.

With my strong hands I am a fairly good beginner at massage.

I am a fairly knowledgeable person even if I havn't had much formal education beyond Highschool, and have a lot of intuative knowledge that a lot of people come to me with questionas about differant things at work

As I said, the trouble is more having a girl interested in me. too often I feel they have these false assumptions about me, without ever getting to know the real me.

[edit on 10/16/2005 by Jehosephat]

here's what you do. CALM DOWN and don't think about it. love always happens when you least expect. one day you'll meet someone and just know that there is something special happening. i'm serious!! just chill out and let love happen. you're cute. too bad i'm married! heeheehee.

Originally posted by Jehosephat

1. I do like to cook (and htink I am fairly good at it), but like you have said, I have no one to cook for. And I have not been able to even have a relationship long enough to where cooking for them was appropriate.

2. I am a great kisser... tho too often people laugh when i say that.. which hurts a lot.

3. As I said, the trouble is more having a girl interested in me. too often I feel they have these false assumptions about me, without ever getting to know the real me.

[edit on 10/16/2005 by Jehosephat]

1. The first night I spoke to my woman (now wife) I said that I liked cooking and offered to cook her a meal, and it worked.

2. Lighten up, and don't take yourself too seriously. Get Little Britain on DVD www.amazon.com...

3. If they get the wrong impression of you, then change things so they get the right first impression and then they will want to find out more.

Be brave and talk to any women anywhre without trying to get a date out of them. Just talk to them as a person.

If that does not work... here's some alternative advice... I once saw a great looking woman walk into a bar with her friends.

They went to order drinks and I went straight up to her and said "Fancy a shag" she said "Ok then". She canceled her drink and 10 minutes later we were in bed back at my place. I saw her for a few months.

A similar thing happened another time. A woman was at my house with my male friends. They were all trying really hard to chat her up. I didn't try at all. I was on my own with her for just a couple of seconds. I said to her "Do you want to sleep with me tonight", she said "Sure".

My friends quickly came back in the room and continued to try really hard to chat her up, again I didn't, and just sat back in a chair saying nothing. After about an hour, I said to her in front of everyone "Ok then, shall we go to bed now". She stood up, held my hand, and we went to bed. My mates were stunned.

I've only been direct twice, and it has worked both times.

Originally posted by Jehosephat
Here I am


Of note... I will not take up a music instrament since I have no musical talent. I break Kazoo's I am so bad at music. but I have great taste in music. SOrry, no Guitar, goofy hat and sungalsses for me.


by Jehosephat]

Your choice man, But not only can women smell desperation a mile away, they have an uncanny way of spotting and rejecting men with a "holier than thou" attitude. Malloryknox187 got it right when she said CALM DOWN. In my experience, most women just want to laugh, laugh and laugh a little more. It's hard to relate to women if you view them as anything other than what you are; just people with all that that entails.
Just like you; all women want is a little peace, love and understanding.
You are much younger, better looking and smarter than I am, but I have conquered my personal demons of selfdoubt, insecurity and uptightness; women and their sixth sense [it's real] can feel that I really don't need anything from them so they feel SAFE and want to be around me. It's simple but it aint easy. Good luck!! Lonliness Sucks, huh!!

Originally posted by tommyc
I went straight up to her and said "Fancy a shag" she said "Ok then". She canceled her drink and 10 minutes later we were in bed back at my place.

I cant believe THAT worked. Meef. Meef indeed. Here is the scenario for me trying the line:

(girl) (me)

I just make them laugh, act natural, stay calm. You make them laugh and don't look to desperate. Take this with a grain of salt though... I'm only 14 but it did get me 9 girlfriends last school year....

Jehosephat

I truly though that you were much older than 30, the problem is that men either married young in their twenties or are divorced by their 30s.

Many women feel kind of taken back when they find somebody that is 30 and is not taken.

Your picture shows a very nice looking man, clean and with a very charming smile.

The way you post seems to me like somebody that have a very wide spiritual approach but can be very judgmental when somebody disagree with you.

Women in this day look for a stable and financially well man.

If you have time and you live next to a major University get yourself a class in college and perhaps like that you may find a good chance of meeting a nice girl with a career in the making.

Also even when I don't like religious organizations another place to meet available young and established women are actually in a church.

You will find somebody soon your time will come.

Problem is I am finding when women start coming to church it is because they are goign to get married and establish a family, or are getting on in years and need to meet otehr couples.

Rarely is there a women who is single and looking for both spiritual growth, and relationship growth.

And as far as the " love always happens when you least expect." I have been waiting for it to happen for 10 years. and it now is more annoying then helpful. Same as the saying "There are many fish in the sea" since it seems there are NONE for me.

I am not judgemental when someone disagrees with me, In fact I find it refreshing when someone disagrees with me and can engage in a healthy conversation about it. But I strongly dislike arrogance. There is a big differance between the two.

Being direct and asking a girl if I can shag her is not me at all.

Everyone else seems to have an easytime of it chatting up a girl but I don't think many understand where I am coming from. Maybe it is difficult for some to relate. I have several problems taht prevent be from just chatting up with a girl. The first is shyness that is linked to a fear of regection. I have to spend DAYS to psyche myself up and find the right momment to ask an important question, and too often If I don't get a positive answer it becomes so hard on me that I become abrupt end the conversation and run away before I start getting too aggrivated and ruin everything. No girl I met realises the amount of effort I have to go thruogh just ot ask a question to see if they are interested in me. Nor do they bother to catch me before I run and in the Movie screen romance style say something to me that they appreciated the ffort and want to spend some time with me to beter answer the question. Then there is my low self-esteem. I outwardly make it appear as humbleness. But in reality I have no reason to think of myself as someone worthwhile that would be good to share his life with. My parents treat me horrible, verbaly abuse me, accuse me of doing things wrong that they hard a part in also, almsot to the point I am treated like a slave. There is no chance to build myself up

How can I get a girl to notice me, and talk to me, and possible find out if they would be interested in knowing me more? I know in this society that Guys are suppose to ask the girls out, heck I spent about a month one day a week for 2 hours each chatting with a girl hoping she would ask me out on a date, more as a "Lets spend time togehter date" then a relationship daet before I finally asked her out.

I think maybe the biggest problem I have is that I never spent much time at it, and have no clue about proper courtiship these days and what I am suppose to do, and not do when trying ot ask a girl out.

I almsot feel i need someone to help me and coach me in RL and find someone for me.

I am in the boat, in the water, but I have no rudder and no paddle