Cruises - And why they, well, suck!

So, the wife and I just returned from a 9 day cruise. It has been 19 years since I had any sort of a vacation (at all), and a year ago I suggested we go on a cruise. My thinking was we'd take a cruise up the east coast of the US and Canada, and I would sit back and "relax" (for once in my life). Well, to be honest, I made a mistake. Here's why...

First, if you're ever going to go on a cruise, don't tell anyone else in your family (or your friends). Why? Because they'll all want to go too. "YAY! it can be a big family affair!!" So, it's not the cruise line's fault there were (12) twelve people in our cruise party (yes, you read that right...12 people). What started as two people turned into 12 people in the span of the year we planned it. Trying to coordinate the movement of 12 people over the span of 9 days is not...'relaxing'...at all! My fault (well, wasn't my family, but I'll take responsibility for allowing it to happen). Someone is always pissed for getting left out, or being too stupid to understand basic instructions. Trying to get 12 people seated together in the dining room every night. Trying to get the family member who started drinking at 6am "every" morning and was hammered by 10am (because they were "going to get their money's worth out of the drink package they purchased...dammit!") to pay attention, etc.

As far as travel goes, I consider myself a very seasoned traveler. I have traveled the entire globe numerous times over (i.e. every continent and over (50) countries in twenty years). I tend to forget though that I know what I am doing, but other people don't necessarily know what they are doing...and they certainly don't know what I am doing. Again, my fault (sort of). Long story short, just getting "TO" the cruise ship to even embark on the cruise (with 12 people) is more work than if I would have just stayed home and fed the cows. But enough about me.

So, once on the cruise ship (Royal Caribbean - Vision of the Seas) I'm ready to relax, right? Nope. I've come to the conclusion that most people have no understanding of the term "relax". I've also come to the conclusion that there are three to four very distinct types of people on cruises. I grouped them roughly as follows:

1. Eaters
2. "Cruise-ee's
3. People who you would pay BIG money to hear the words "MAN OVERBOARD!!!" about!

The "Eater" category is pretty obvious, or so you'd think, but on a cruise ship the normal Golden Corral hyper-omnivore takes on an entirely new dimension. These people have one mission in life, and this is to consume incomprehensibly massive amounts of food at every opportunity. Candidly, I'm not even sure how these people board the ship at the start of a cruise. There's no freaking way some of these human-mastodon's walked up the gangway (oh, and "walk" is a relative term here). Most of them ride around in electric scooters and don't hesitate to honk at you if you're between them and the meatballs and mashed potatoes!! They don't just grab a slice of roast beef and a little gravy, oh no...they just snatch the whole damn roast off the carver's cutting board and throw it in their little basket on the scooter, and then stack the gravy bucket and mashed potato pan on top of that while speeding toward the mac & cheese and dessert section! These people are so morbidly obese that the entire 985 foot ship lists from port to starboard when they go from the pasta section to the pie section! I swear they load these people on the ship with a cargo net; I've never seen such enormous human beings...and the ONLY place you ever see them is at the buffet...they just 'live' there the entire cruise. I didn't check, but I think they might sleep in the joint too...just so they can get the jump on everyone else when the biscuits & gravy comes out in the morning. Oh, and do you think they stop at the salad section? HA! LOLOL!! NEVER! But they can stop one of those scooters on a dime (with nine cents change) at the meatball tray with a level of precision which makes the Navy Blue Angels look like 4th graders.

The next type is what I term the "Cruise-ee's". These are the people whose sole mission in life is to tell you about all of the 'other' cruises they've been on, and how they were all so much better than 'this' cruise. They're everywhere too; you can't escape them! I got to the point I couldn't even make eye contact with people because it was an invitation for them to tell me all about how their 'last cruise' was so far superior to the cruise we were on. I mean, I'd get off the elevator early and they'd be grabbing my shirt (from their scooter) saying "Wait...WAIT! There's more!!! I need to tell you about our cruise to Pluto! The boat was so much better than this old garbage scow !!" I wound up taking the stairs after that. I knew they'd never (ever) be there.

Then there's the "jetsam" (versus 'flotsam') type, the kind you wish would just be hurled into the sea and devoured by sea creatures. These are the people who, despite there being 1,900 other people on the boat, have zero perception of anyone around them but themselves. They have "!EM" ("ME!" spelled backwards) tattooed on their foreheads, so when they look in the mirror they can remind themselves who is the most important person in the entire World (not that they need reminding). I laid awake at night dreaming up creative ways to jettison some of these people into the sea. Violently "launch" might have been a better verb here. ... There was one guy (of many) that I honestly wanted to wrap a mooring line around his ankles and use him as trolling bait behind the ship. But I digress.

Other than that, the trip was 'great'. Eat food until you explode, Asian band members singing "YMCA!" (over and over) or "Ret's go crazy" (by Prince), $15 dollar well drinks, Cruise Director, "Flo", yammering endlessly about stuff you should buy, people screaming, kids screaming, banging, slamming and pounding (when you're trying to sleep), ship-wide power outages, late arrivals in port and "Flo" yammering on about people needing to not stampede trying to get to their shore excursions.

And all of this for the unbelievably low price of $7,000 dollars! Oh, and "Flo" spending the last two days badgering everyone every 7 minutes with announcements of 'fantastic' offers of 10% off your next cruise if you book before getting off the ship! I mean, what more could you ask for, right?

Just a nice relaxing cruise.

Honestly, I could have had a much more relaxing and enjoyable time just sitting at home (alone) getting drunk and building a bonfire in my yard, then just throwing $100 bills into the fire every few minutes to keep it going. At least I wouldn't be tired. Probably be cheaper too!

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

I am going on a Royal Caribbean cruise next month. It started out as just me. I made the mistake to tell my sister and now her whole family is coming.

I wish you wrote this two weeks ago haha. I do not drink alcohol but bought the other package. The bottle water package with coffee and juice.

The cruise is Eastern Caribbean!

Thank you for this!

Grew up, in part, in Florida.

All the locals avoid these floating germ factories, as we called them.

a reply to: JJproductions

I'm not a "cruise-ee" by a long shot, but I have been on one down in the Caribbean many years ago (only other cruise we did was Alaska). Not sure what it's like down in the Caribbean now, but if I were to offer some advice to you it would be this. Go ashore on 'maybe' one island (if that). Stay on the boat for the balance of the islands (they usually stop at several). The islands are all the same, and they're all tourist traps with throngs of thousands of locals waiting to ambush all the cruise ship passengers when they get off the ships. By 'ambush' I mean selling their wares and trinkets.

I mean, if you have stuff picked out to do on the islands then by all means do it, but if you're just going to do ad-hoc sight seeing, then I'd skip it and just stay on the boat. I say I'm going to do this myself, and every single time I get suckered into going ashore, hiking from hell to breakfast, and just wearing myself out...when what I should have done was just sit by the pool and relax on the ship.

Just my .02

Oh, and have fun, and don't forget to..."RELAX" (I can't underscore this enough!)

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

my fire pit and chickens are plenty good for relaxing. I've been able to avoid cruises so far, and I can only hope that streak continues. If I get an itch for sun and ocean, it's less than 2 hours away. I'm sorry you didn't get the relaxation you deserve, but the value in knowing what you don't know, extends to knowing what you don't want to do.....again....ever. (True wisdom)

Have a nice pour, light a fire, and think about how the cows feel about vacations.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

You have the patience of Job. I'd have bailed about 24 hours in. My idea of vacation is me and the wife in a cabin on a lake, a fishing pole and no one else for at least 20 miles.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

I am staying on the ship next to the saltwater pool! Haha! The last cruise 10 years ago was St. Martin and St. Thomas. You are right they should have been called same Islands!

They look the same and the same people try to sell you the same crap!

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

That's a shame Flyingclaydisk.

I wish you had had a better experience.

Especially with what they cost.

I have never been on a "cruise."

If I were offered one for free?, I would run the other way like the devil was trying to court me.

Honestly, I do not understand the attraction. Paying money to be held hostage on the ocean with in the near vicinity of a multitude of people, most of whom I would not like or spend time with on land, and with no recourse short of homicide to get away from them has never appealed to me.

Really, I find the concept of "vacations" unappealing in general. Most ofv the times it'd be more relaxing to stay at work.

The was one, though; a multi-day mule packing trip in the Colorado wilderness with a couple of friends. That was more than a vacation!

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Next year, get two dozen of your friends and family together...

and get them to row!





Source: www.chattanoogan.com...

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I lived this same Hell last December. A friend of ours talked a group of us into going. 🙄 It was on Carnival, and only 5 days, but never again on a big $$$ liner!

Hubby and I went on a cruise for our honeymoon 25 years ago. It was great. With Holland America on a smallish ship. NO CHILDREN! Heavenly! People “Dressed for dinner” in gowns and tuxedos. No massive cafeteria style option. By the way, no one did on Carnival. I was shocked when I went to dinner in a long gown and there were folks in cutoff jean shorts. 😝

We rented a jeep in St. Croix, and just drove around the island (literally), finding spots to snorkel, and probably trespassing!

That was a once in a lifetime trip. THAT is what I wanted to remember about cruises. 🚢

a reply to: Encia22

Haha!

Row row row your boat, vigorously, angrily, and powerfully down the stream 500 400 300 200 All I want to do is scream

Can we stay on the boat?

a reply to: Encia22

HA!, if just one of the "eaters" I referred to above jumped on the end of that boat you'd see (24) rowers flying through the air like boogers getting flicked off a popsicle stick!

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

I've kind of always wanted to take a cruise up around Alaska.

But I've seen enough videos and news stories over the past few years that I don't think I want to anymore.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

When my wife and I want to experience the "cruise experience" without the cruise, we just go to a casino hotel for a few days.

We eat a lot, drink a lot and maybe gamble a tiny bit.

a reply to: watchitburn

If you do, go on Princess lines. They're more expensive, but it's a way nice experience. Very reliable and very adult oriented. That's who we went on. You go up the inside passage and come back down on the outside passage. Beautiful scenery the whole way. Saw lots of whales too (on the Inside passage, oddly enough).

Depart out of Vancouver.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

When my wife and I want to experience the "cruise experience" without the cruise, we just go to a casino hotel for a few days.

Especially in Vegas...where you've never been.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

ROFL !!

Great post !!

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

You've opened up a can of memories.

I worked in Vancouver between 2002-2006 and we lived right on the waterfront, less than a km from Canada Place and the cruise ship dock. We'd see the ships coming and going and get up close and personal whilst they were docked. It was always quite emotional seeing them leave, everybody waving, horns blazing, etc.

We always wanted to do the Alaska tour, but decided against it when one year a ship was quarantined at the dock for about two or three weeks. I believe it was because of a salmonella outbreak.

Unfortunately, I can't find any old news articles about it. I can't remember what ship it was; maybe one of the Princess or Holland America lines. It had to be between 2004-2006 because that's when we gave up on the idea of a cruise.

The benefit of being in Vancouver was that we could wait until the last cruises of the season and get massive discounts. However, it wasn't worth the risk of falling ill, especially my wife who has a compromised immune system.

During my search I realised just how frequent food poisoning happens on cruises. You really need to be careful and avoid the foods that are more prone to contamination.

Ha! That was a great read. I don't know why buffetts have to exist. The normal person not doing a lot of hard work doesn't really need that much food to eat. I skip breakfast everyday and am good on a couple eggs and couple pieces of bacon in the afternoon and a little more food for diner.

As for cruises. The idea never even entered my mind to go on one. Have no desire what-so-ever. I've learned from expere3icne vacations can be exashuting, but fun! If you want to rest go to the beach and chill, or stay at home and chill on the patio and read a good book.