Does Living with Friends Ever Work out?

My adult daughter is going through some crap with a former roommate.

Here's the story, we've been friends/aquaintances with a family for a long time.
The girls and several others moved in together. OF COURSE it ended in disaster.

My daughter and all the others are A type of people, neat organized, my friend daughter......not so much.
You know how that works out. I'm not talking just normal people messyness, I'm talking no personal hygeine,
not flushing toilets, eating others food. It goes on for days. My daughter did tell me one incident, the girl "borrowed" a nonstic pot, and scratched it all up with a metal utensil, just the tip of the iceburg.. (Who in this day and age doesn't know not to use metal on those things!!) Let's just say it got old quick and some of the girls snapped. Nobody is perfect and young adults are learning to live on their own, but these are things that even a middle schooler should know.

My daughter has a very calm demeaner and she is not one to confront. She did make it clear she didn't want to hang out with this girl
anymore. I think because my daughter was the only one that didn't snap, this girl is hanging onto a thread that they are still friends.

Now the girls mom got involved and called me, and here is one of the complaints, her daughter wasn't having fun..her daughter was left alone in a restaurant, and by left alone I mean left with other friends that she choose to go to..😵😵
I was like, um they are adults. Most of them are out of college..did you read that part, OUT OF COLLEGE, yes we aren't talking about teens or 21. I said let's not get involved. I told her how some friendships have a season and some people just grow out of each other. Well well well, I guess that isn't good enough. I find it really weird, if someone doesn't want to be friends with you why would anyone try to force it.

It's also not one thing, or a quick happening. It's something that transpired over a few years on and off, but the nail in the coffin was the moving in together. Living with people is when you see their true colors!!!! I am also just disturbed that a mom of a child that old would call another mom, do people really do this? She asked me to have lunch and I agreed, and she said great when is your daughter available, and I said she isn't. I thought that was very manipulative to try to get my daughter to meet up with hers and use me. What soap opera am I living in!??!

I found out that this girl was driving by our house (we don't live in an area that there is any reason people would just cross through) and is now somewhat stalking our family on social media. She is trying to follow my other kids, is liking things of mine on FB etc.
I really hope this doesn't turn into a real stalking situation. Right now we are all just completely ignoring her and hope it goes away.

I think this was an excellent learning opportunity for my daughter. I told her this is a great example of being compatible living with future people like boyfriends/husbands etc.

a reply to: JAGStorm

RED FLAG!

You had my attention when you said this girl's, ahem, young woman's, mother called you about this situation, and then tried to "arrange" an ambush.

The fact that this young lady is now "stalking" your home.....


What you have on your hands is a young damaged woman, with an enabling mother.


This is not a good situation. And it is certainly one you should protect your daughter against...in whatever form that protection requires.

a reply to: JAGStorm

My experience tells me that men sharing a living space would probably be more successful than women doing so.

a reply to: JAGStorm

Your daughter's friend sounds like she's too self-absorbed to have noticed others also have feelings.

BPD with a very heavy dose of narcissism is my armchair diagnosis; being married to one for thirteen years before escaping are my qualifications.

originally posted by: Mantiss2021
a reply to: JAGStorm

RED FLAG!

You had my attention when you said this girl's, ahem, young woman's, mother called you about this situation, and then tried to "arrange" an ambush.

The fact that this young lady is now "stalking" your home.....


What you have on your hands is a young damaged woman, with an enabling mother.


This is not a good situation. And it is certainly one you should protect your daughter against...in whatever form that protection requires.

I’m not too worried about my daughter and she will be living almost a state away pretty soon.

When you say the young woman is damaged… you don’t even know the half of it. I have absolutely zero fears that she would hurt my daughter or myself. I have no fear of that from the mom either.

I’ve know the girl since she was a little kid. One thing that stood out was that the mom would absolutely never correct the kids when they did something wrong, which was weird because she would bark orders at them all day long. I think years of that is now producing adults that can’t deal with the realities of the real world.

originally posted by: incoserv
a reply to: JAGStorm

My experience tells me that men sharing a living space would probably be more successful than women doing so.

The group of friends include some men, and they too had a problem with this girls hygiene. YOU know it’s bad when dudes say something!!

a reply to: JAGStorm

If you've ever tuned into YT's run of videos on Narcissistic behaviors, you will understand this mother and her, evidently, similarly inclined daughter. But for some reason, I don't think you need any suggestions in your responses to handling the two of them.

originally posted by: Observer19
a reply to: JAGStorm

If you've ever tuned into YT's run of videos on Narcissistic behaviors, you will understand this mother and her, evidently, similarly inclined daughter. But for some reason, I don't think you need any suggestions in your responses to handling the two of them.

It's so difficult because we've known them for so long.
I'll have to go watch. Someone mentioned BPD, but for some reason I don't think that's it because my sons ex gf was diagnosed with that and she isn't like this at all.

I've always thought Narcissist always wants admiration (totally the mom) but the daughter seems to want constant help/care/orders/attention, is that the same thing?

a reply to: JAGStorm

The short reply is that the daughter IS the mom, well trained in her maybe "golden child" attitudes by mom.

a reply to: JAGStorm
You need to move your daughter and her nice little friend in with you ASAP.
If you don’t, you are a not-nice person.
Come on, it takes a village !

originally posted by: nugget1
a reply to: JAGStorm

Your daughter's friend sounds like she's too self-absorbed to have noticed others also have feelings.

BPD with a very heavy dose of narcissism is my armchair diagnosis; being married to one for thirteen years before escaping are my qualifications.

Do tell, how do you escape them. She's not getting the hint, and neither is the mom.
They are also playing the victim which everyone is just ignoring. I think it's driving them insane.

a reply to: JAGStorm

I have a set of rules that I used to apply to this situation, it started as a rule less situation and as time went buy the rules developed themselves

1) do not work with someone that you live with
2) do not have sex with someone that you live with (unless married) EVER
3) do not have sex with someone that you work with
4) do not have sex with someone that lives with someone that you work with
5) do not live with anyone (unless married)

problem solved!!!

originally posted by: datguy
a reply to: JAGStorm

I have a set of rules that I used to apply to this situation, it started as a rule less situation and as time went buy the rules developed themselves

1) do not work with someone that you live with
2) do not have sex with someone that you live with (unless married) EVER
3) do not have sex with someone that you work with
4) do not have sex with someone that lives with someone that you work with
5) do not live with anyone (unless married)

problem solved!!!

Those rules are great but there is a whole generation of young people that can’t afford a place on their own.
Many of those young people are working 2 jobs!

originally posted by: JAGStorm

originally posted by: nugget1
a reply to: JAGStorm

Your daughter's friend sounds like she's too self-absorbed to have noticed others also have feelings.

BPD with a very heavy dose of narcissism is my armchair diagnosis; being married to one for thirteen years before escaping are my qualifications.

Do tell, how do you escape them. She's not getting the hint, and neither is the mom.
They are also playing the victim which everyone is just ignoring. I think it's driving them insane.

No contact or response of any kind ever ! She may lose a few friends from the slander for awhile, but when they, too become victims they'll figure it out. If they don't, she's better off making new friends.

A narcissist will always do everything they can to destroy someone who no longer allows themselves to be victimized. Your daughter's circle of friends may loose some members for a time, but there is no winning against such attacks by getting involved.

Take the high road, refuse to give any energy to the BS by even discussing it and the fire will die out in time. A fight can't continue if only one person engages.

It's good to learn this lesson early in life; you know the signs to avoid in future relationships.

It sounds like the friend in question needs some boundaries set.

The following on social, etc. is her trying to figure out how other people lead healthy productive lives without her having to turn her attention inwards and introspect, if I didn't know any better I would say the poor girl's main obstacle is her mother/family and she would most likely benefit greatly from packing her bags and backpacking a different scene for a solid six months or so.

spread her wings so to speak. break old habits and get out of her un'comfort zone', perhaps the best thing you could do for her is agree to that meeting, get the four of you together and set some boundaries.

Ignoring her wont make her go away.

My two cents worth, but what do I know. I'm a misanthrope.

a reply to: JAGStorm

a reply to: JAGStorm

but the daughter seems to want constant help/care/orders/attention, is that the sa

That's neurotic and needy.

Had a girlfriend like that. Constantly needed reassurance that I cared for her, "that dress looks good on you, your hair looks pretty today, no you haven't gained weight" and the nail in the coffin was her saying I love you LITERALLY 20 - 30 times a day. Then when I had had enough, we split up, then her and her Mom "wanted to talk about our relationship".

I noped right out of that.

a reply to: JAGStorm

Jag,

You need to learn the art of ‘Ghosting’.

Unfortunately, I believe 25%-35% of the population are full blown narcissists.

It’s the only way to deal with them.

I’m not proud of it, but I’ve ghosted 3 people in the last year. It’s reaching critical mass. The pandemic brought the worst out In people and they have no shame showing it, with absolutely no remorse.

Become a 👻

While I have no doubt that the cluster-B personality disorders are at play somewhere here, outside a strict monastery situation it's unusual for single girls to be room-mates into their twenties.

Rather live with your parents if you're not married.

Some cultures may have had a communal men's house (especially for bachelors), but even in anthropology I struggle to find a culture where women (after adolescence) specifically lived together.

originally posted by: halfoldman
While I have no doubt that the cluster-B personality disorders are at play somewhere here, outside a strict monastery situation it's unusual for single girls to be room-mates into their twenties.

Rather live with your parents if you're not married.

Some cultures may have had a communal men's house (especially for bachelors), but even in anthropology I struggle to find a culture where women (after adolescence) specifically lived together.

You obviously don’t live in America.
The housing here is outrageous. What often happens is young people will live together during college, and if they find work in the same town (away from parents) they will continue to rent (cheap housing) together until they are able to make it on their own or with a partner.

Many colleges require you to live in dorms the first year, but they are significantly more expensive for 1/8 the space & freedom.

You need to learn the art of ‘Ghosting’. Unfortunately, I believe 25%-35% of the population are full blown narcissists. It’s the only way to deal with them. I’m not proud of it, but I’ve ghosted 3 people in the last year. It’s reaching critical mass. The pandemic brought the worst out In people and they have no shame showing it, with absolutely no remorse. Become a 👻

Had to ghost a family member during Covid. Just couldn’t put up with her nonsense anymore.
I think your numbers are right if not a little low.
What did the Covid era do to people?