Feeling hopeless

Hi all.

This is going to be a vent. One outlet , the only one really atm.
I can't remember the last time I didn't feel hopeless. Feels like it must have been decades ago now.

I hate my life. I hate the future, I hate feeling hopeless and hate feeling the best is long behind me.
I see no future. All I do is long for the past, feel depressed the past is gone and dread the future.
I'm stuck living in a country I don't want to be . I've been stuck here for more than 20 years and have hated every day because of it.
It's a long story, somone else's doing at the time basically. I can't go back to my home country and my home country no longer feels ike home.
Neither do I feel at home were I'm stuck. I worry every day about losing my elderly mom. And my one and only aunt.
If they're gone I will be alone. I need to take care of my minor son, but there will be no adult support network.
There's my brother but wer'e not at all close.

There is nothing to look forward to, everything is behind me. My best years are behind me. It's a dreadful feeling. Terrifying.
I'm just waiting for death really.

Everday I wish to die. I'm only still alive because of my son and mom, especially for his sake. But my life is worthless otherwise.
I would have killed myself already otherwise.
And I feel a constant emptiness. There's nothing just a feeling of total numbness.
I was at my dentist a few months back and he pointed out some polyp in my mouth or throat, not sure, and he advised me to have an ENT specialist to take a look at it. This is my only ray of sunshine/hope!!! Possibly cancer in my future! Yay. I won't have to live to old age hopefully. Off course I didn't go see an ENT.

I'm 50 and have to dread the next 30, possibly 40 fu*king years!!

Otherwise things are bleak. Sad , that that's the only ray of hope .
Please don't tell me to go to a therapist/doctor etc (depression meds etc) . Not going there.

Thanks for letting me vent

a reply to: ancientlight

In a perfect world this comment would be a slap first and a hug afterwards.


You need more people in your life, so join some sort of activity club or something and start reaching out.


YOU need to reach out, don't withdraw from the world and make it worse.

There are lots of lonely people out there to be lonely together with.

a reply to: ancientlight

I do understand.

I don't recognize this world any longer and age has shown me exactly why this earth means death and decay.

We are blessed in a way. No other generation would have been able to see the transformation (maybe 1930's to 45 Germany) but we are witnessing and moreover "learning" that man is incapable of governing themselves without influence from God.

I remember the best times. The mid 1980s to early 1990's. The peak I would say of the United States. Some may say earlier but regardless, we enter the age of Tribulation shortly.

I rejoice in being alive to see this though it is kind of depressing. The evil people of this world cannot escape the inevitable and they know it.

We get to watch it play out. It is all spelled out in the book.

You need Yeshua Hamashiach / Jesus Christ in your life.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”


“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

I like to adjust playback to 1.2 as that is the speed I am used to.

a reply to: ancientlight

This is not a good place your in.

I have to be careful because I am not a professional who is trained to help people who are feeling so poorly about life. And a virtual place like this is not likely to be the solution for you.

But I am a human being, and one who believes I can relate to you. I don't want you to be in the place you are any longer.

There are some who can help you... or at least are willing to try sincerely. Let them. It can't hurt, and it can lead you to see you are not alone at all.

This kind of sucks, because I want to hold your hand and promise that this place your in is not forever, it is not always going to be this way. I can pull on your heartstrings and point to your son, I can call into your mind the memory of laughing with your mother. But that only lessens the grief inside you. And the point I'm after is that the grief is inside you... only you can let it go. It can be done. I promise you.

Stay with us, please. Find help... it does exist. Don't be judgemental, drop your biases and find that person... A religious acquaintance, a social worker you know of, your doctor (it doesn't have to be a psych doc,) - go to a church... ANY church... steal a few hours for yourself to do this. Just try, please.

I send to you with all my heart, all the good will and prayers I can find in me. Comfort is on the way, its looking for you now. Please accept it, as a favor to us.

We are always here. You never have to be alone.

Thank you all for your kind replies I'm always having to be strong, happy and capable of taking care of it all, all while I feel long broken inside.

Feeling of constant emptiness is good. But sadness derives from the mind that does not like emptiness. So it will try re-assert itself by existing in restlessness, keeping you daydreaming in past memories or future aspirations, all the time. Resist the brain and just exist in the death of emptiness. If you successful, in time, a magic will happen. You will not be sad anymore.

Infolurker said it all.

Anytime I take my eyes off of Christ, I begin to fall into a slow spiral of despair similar to what you are experiencing. You have been searching for joy and fulfillment is all the wrong places. The more you look for it externally, the further it moves away.

We are not talking about religion. Its a relationship. My mom was atheist, but not certain. One day she called out to God. She said I dont believe you are real, but if you are let me know. He did, and she fell deeply in love with him. You can do the same. You are trying to steer your life and cant see through your tears, let alone over the horizon. He sees all things. Let him guide you. Let him take the rudder. Let him steer for you. We live in a time of uncertainty. These are the things Yeshua warned us about in Matthew 24. It can be depressing if you dont put things in perspective. He said, in Luke, Now when these things begin to happen, look up and lift up your heads, because your redemption draws near.” It means you get hope for today. It means you will get a new body, and life. A beautiful young body that can travel multidimensionally.

Dont you want that?

If you only knew how many people feel much the same as you -
My husband, who I've written about here, had groin-to-groin artery bypass surgery two months ago and is healing slowly. He has been back to the surgeon for check-ups and is doing well, according to him.
But he can no longer smoke, and he's been a heavy smoker for some years. And liquor is also out, so he cannot even have a beer (I think he sneaks one once in a while, and who can blame him!) He is also on several meds a day, and I wonder if they are having a negative effect on him, because he is not the same person, and he's not that old. He looks better, is walking better, but is so depressed - I would have thought he'd be happy to be healthy again, but he complains non-stop.
Depression is a difficult thing to understand, when I was very young I was diagnosed with clinical depression for some years, it was dreadful. Took a long time to come out of it, but taking care of others was a big help. And keeping busy at things one enjoys - fishing, concerts, hobbies, seeing friends, just getting out of the house. And I know what you mean about disliking where you are living, I detest where we are, my heart sinks every time I have to return home.
Don't forget that 50 is a dangerous age, hormone changes in the body don't help matters. Don't think too much, get to an exercise class, walk around the block, change your schedule, get your mind off brooding - you're still young, and the thing about life is that one never knows what is around the corner!
Good Luck!!

a reply to: ancientlight

It's a strange thing, this environment, how powerless I am to help.

I will not engage in that practice of offering my experiences as some kind of comparison.

And I will not ask for the specifics of your life.

But I want to let you know, you have reached me at least.

I suspect others may have been there too... in that 'place.'

Have a read.

hackspirit.com...

originally posted by: glend
Feeling of constant emptiness is good. But sadness derives from the mind that does not like emptiness. So it will try re-assert itself by existing in restlessness, keeping you daydreaming in past memories or future aspirations, all the time. Resist the brain and just exist in the death of emptiness. If you successful, in time, a magic will happen. You will not be sad anymore.

I'd rather just die than feel this constant emptiness. I wish I could cry but I'm just numb. I don't fear death, or being alone, I fear feeling nothing . I really would love to go where you're capable of going, but it won't happen. Not in this lifetime.

originally posted by: Maxmars
a reply to: ancientlight

It's a strange thing, this environment, how powerless I am to help.

I will not engage in that practice of offering my experiences as some kind of comparison.

And I will not ask for the specifics of your life.

But I want to let you know, you have reached me at least.

I suspect others may have been there too... in that 'place.'

Thank you. You've been very kind

originally posted by: RonnieJersey
If you only knew how many people feel much the same as you -
My husband, who I've written about here, had groin-to-groin artery bypass surgery two months ago and is healing slowly. He has been back to the surgeon for check-ups and is doing well, according to him.
But he can no longer smoke, and he's been a heavy smoker for some years. And liquor is also out, so he cannot even have a beer (I think he sneaks one once in a while, and who can blame him!) He is also on several meds a day, and I wonder if they are having a negative effect on him, because he is not the same person, and he's not that old. He looks better, is walking better, but is so depressed - I would have thought he'd be happy to be healthy again, but he complains non-stop.
Depression is a difficult thing to understand, when I was very young I was diagnosed with clinical depression for some years, it was dreadful. Took a long time to come out of it, but taking care of others was a big help. And keeping busy at things one enjoys - fishing, concerts, hobbies, seeing friends, just getting out of the house. And I know what you mean about disliking where you are living, I detest where we are, my heart sinks every time I have to return home.
Don't forget that 50 is a dangerous age, hormone changes in the body don't help matters. Don't think too much, get to an exercise class, walk around the block, change your schedule, get your mind off brooding - you're still young, and the thing about life is that one never knows what is around the corner!
Good Luck!!

I remember reading about your struggles with your husband's health. It's hard being a care giver, suddenly. You have to be strong and try not to feel more depressed. I could not do it. Hugs.

a reply to: ancientlight

I am so sorry you're suffering, Ancientlight. I get it; I've been there, and from experience I know once you've spiraled down far enough it takes more energy than one can muster to climb back out of that dark hole.

I could tell you to join a church, a book club, volunteer, etc. -all good suggestions, but when your soul is running on empty it's hard to get outside of your own head.

I have learned to recognize the beginning signs and now refuse to allow my mind to go down that path. I search the internet for uplifting words of wisdom to counter depression; I make myself focus on the positive things in my life today, even if it's just the fact that it's not raining. I pat myself on the back for being a survivor and making it this far.

I've researched the causes of depression and dealt with as many as I can. I know I don't have the coping skills to handle major stress so I arm myself with the knowledge of warning signs and counter measures.

It seems the demons that cause us depression are hell bent on winning, and it's a fight sometimes not to let them....but there always there, lurking around the corner....waiting for a vulnerable moment.

You are important to us, Ancientlight and we value you here! We need you! If there's anything we can do to help you come back to a place of peace, we'll do it; just let us know what we can do.

YOU are a survivor! A strong survivor, or you wouldn't have made it this far! Please don't let those bast*rd demons win. Don't let them keep taking up space in your mind.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. You'll get through this and will be so glad you did! I promise!
Hugs,
Nugget

a reply to: ancientlight

ancientlight!

The world is in a better place because of you.

I understand.

VN Vet living outside of US since 84, country turn their back on me. Felt same way.

Living outside of the US changed me as there was no support it was sink or swim..... tough but character building!

Now 70 and watching US implode so very pleased I made the move! It was my road to mental health.

The link MIM sent you is very valid and are some of my key point of my life.

BTW I am in chronic pain from time spent in the service. My trick in life may sound rediculas but it works for me. Make friends with what hurts you or you do not like. Look for the light in the dark its around the cracks and edges of darkness, focus only on the light.

Also I find great joy in gardening. Nothing like inviting new life forms into your garden watching them grow and create colour only nature can do..... Doggles and Kats help as they focus your attention onto their needs.


Trust me allow this to be the light in the crack, This universe is amazing the world is a beautiful place you are lucky to be here considering the odds! Good Luck..... From someone who has been were you are - Life is worth the pain - you just need to find your excuse for living. Now at 70 I want more time

BTW I am so wounded by my fellow Americans I have not and will never draw SSAN even though I paid a fortune in.

a reply to: ancientlight

There’s a lot of suffering in this world and isn’t it strange that the place that we often find the most humanity is on a somewhat anonymous conspiracy website. It’s actually interesting when you think about it.
I know I’ve shared my deepest struggles on here and they were met by some of the most sympathetic and kind ears.

I have no advice for you other than to let you know we are all here.

I would love to hear more about you feeling between two worlds. I have felt similar. I am Korean American but grew up mostly in Europe. People think that is so cool but a lot of times it’s actually really f’d up.
I don’t feel 100% at home in any of those places…

a reply to: ancientlight

It certainly won't happen unless you have the compulsion to make it happen. Otherwise you will experience the same emptiness life after life after life until you step up and end it once and for all. And yes you have all the ingredients to make it happen this lifetime. Everything.

I am not hindu but first suggest you listen to the following audiotapes on youtube by Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj. His realization took three years. You don't have to believe in him, just listen. It would not surprise me if they fire up a compulsion deep inside you. If you need anything from me you can always pm me.

I AM THAT Chapters 1-10
I AM THAT Chapters 11-20
I AM THAT Chapters 21-30
I AM THAT Chapters 31-40
I AM THAT Chapters 41-50
I AM THAT Chapters 51-60
I AM THAT Chapters 61-70
I AM THAT Chapters 71-80

originally posted by: IceHappy
a reply to: ancientlight

ancientlight!

The world is in a better place because of you.

I understand.

VN Vet living outside of US since 84, country turn their back on me. Felt same way.

Living outside of the US changed me as there was no support it was sink or swim..... tough but character building!

Now 70 and watching US implode so very pleased I made the move! It was my road to mental health.

The link MIM sent you is very valid and are some of my key point of my life.

BTW I am in chronic pain from time spent in the service. My trick in life may sound rediculas but it works for me. Make friends with what hurts you or you do not like. Look for the light in the dark its around the cracks and edges of darkness, focus only on the light.

Also I find great joy in gardening. Nothing like inviting new life forms into your garden watching them grow and create colour only nature can do..... Doggles and Kats help as they focus your attention onto their needs.


Trust me allow this to be the light in the crack, This universe is amazing the world is a beautiful place you are lucky to be here considering the odds! Good Luck..... From someone who has been were you are - Life is worth the pain - you just need to find your excuse for living. Now at 70 I want more time

BTW I am so wounded by my fellow Americans I have not and will never draw SSAN even though I paid a fortune in.

I worry most about losing my mom and my son. I worry about my mom because she's elderly and my son, because well, the world is a cruel and f*ked up place . How can I possibly make friends with this ? The grief that will come , the agony that will follow ?

a reply to: Latro

Sorry, I'm lost ? You're trolling I take it ? Or just trying to be an a**?