Letting a Non Family Member Move in to Your House

a reply to: JAGStorm

So I moved to Las Vegas years ago, found a place on CL, fine and dandy, got an extended stay hotel room closer to work. Had to change rooms every 3 weeks so as not to establish residency,

Let her stay 3 weeks and move her out for a minute. Think maybe they had that issue before

Everyone's given you some wonderfully thoughtful answers.

My family's the sort that takes in strays and spare relatives. For the most part it works out well and, as RickyD (and a few others) mentioned it can make a huge difference in someone's life - having a functional member of society with a stable job is much better than dealing with the fallout of a homeless family member (we've done that, too.)

We've had a few disasters but the suggestions folks gave here would have covered most of them.

As to the ashes -- I can think of two solutions: the first would be to talk with the girl and explain your cultural bias and that in spite of what your rational mind says, you're honestly just creeped out by it because family background is so strong. Ask her what options she might consider and the two of you negotiate a good solution. The other would be to help them rent an apartment (perhaps not paying the full amount but part of it.) We've done this, too.

And I commend you for your kindness. From what I've seen, your choices will educate your kids and their friends about how to deal with these situations (because they'll see them.) I have found that these things (when they work out) actually extend your own family and when you call for help, these "excess relatives/relations" will pitch in to try and make things better.



...just my 2 cents and my experience.


(editing to add that my daughter-in-law came from a horrible background - parents divorcing, parents and step parent doing drugs, irresponsible with money, violent, abusive, addictive (and she was very religious. We're agnostic) - but my son loved her and I decided to treat her the way I wanted to be treated as a daughter-in-law. Fast forward 20 years and I couldn't be prouder of her. She deals with chronic illness but still manages to run a business, deal with the household, and is a loving and gracious woman. Their marriage is strong and she's a true partner and helper to my son. I adore her to pieces.)

a reply to: Byrd

As to the ashes -- I can think of two solutions: the first would be to talk with the girl and explain your cultural bias and that in spite of what your rational mind says,

Excellent point. I will tell her even my own parents and in laws ashes weren’t allowed in the house.
My own mother! I want to put it in a very gentle way because it is such a sensitive topic.

It is your house your rules. If she doesn’t like or respect your wishes maybe being homeless is the right path for her.


As for the ashes has she considered you know…spreading them or burying them returning what’s left of her mother to the great cycle of star dust.
a reply to: JAGStorm

a reply to: Byrd

(editing to add that my daughter-in-law came from a horrible background - parents divorcing, parents and step parent doing drugs, irresponsible with money, violent, abusive, addictive (and she was very religious. We're agnostic) - but my son loved her and I decided to treat her the way I wanted to be treated as a daughter-in-law. Fast forward 20 years and I couldn't be prouder of her. She deals with chronic illness but still manages to run a business, deal with the household, and is a loving and gracious woman. Their marriage is strong and she's a true partner and helper to my son. I adore her to pieces.)

Wow that is literally what my heart hopes for, what a blessing!!!!

& yes that is very similar to what this child has endured from her “parents”
Overdose, irresponsible with money, violent, abusive, addictive.


My household is the opposite. No substance abuse, I don’t even drink.
We are ultra responsible, hard workers with nary a violent bone in our body unless someone hurts our family.
My husband and I are very chill, we don’t fight, hardly ever argue. We are always yucking it up and trying to have a good time.

originally posted by: JAGStorm
a reply to: Byrd

As to the ashes -- I can think of two solutions: the first would be to talk with the girl and explain your cultural bias and that in spite of what your rational mind says,

Excellent point. I will tell her even my own parents and in laws ashes weren’t allowed in the house.
My own mother! I want to put it in a very gentle way because it is such a sensitive topic.

Maybe this will be the motivating factor to get her life in order and get them out of your house sooner than later.

Or, you will see a side of her come out about your wishes of no urn. Which will inevitably come out, anyways. Her reaction to your no-urn stance, could tell you a lot about what to expect when she lives there. I’d say if she’s cool with it, give it a shot. If shes not cool about it - expect her to not be cool the duration of her stay there.

I’ve learned that we must not overlook small details in situations like this. They tell us a lot about people.

a reply to: JAGStorm

No brainer for me.

I’ve let homeless people live in my spare room, one kid on the street with his dog was living in the woods. Gave him some
money and started chatting, turns out he had been in and out of foster care, couldn’t get housing because of his dog.

First thing his Dog done on day one was run into my room and piss on the bed. Bad start to be fair.

Anyway to cut a long story short, ended up finding him a job with a friend of mine and now he’s married, has his own fencing business and two kids. I was best man at his wedding and he thinks of me as a brother.

Don’t worry about the repercussions of doing good things, they tend to reward you.

a reply to: KKLOCO

Or, you will see a side of her come out about your wishes of no urn. Which will inevitably come out, anyways. Her reaction to your no-urn stance, could tell you a lot about what to expect when she lives there. I’d say if she’s cool with it, give it a shot. If shes not cool about it - expect her to not be cool the duration of her stay there.

My son knows I don’t play around, I mean what I say. There is no wiggle room with this one.
My son tried to test me as a teenager, he learned the hard way that I am significantly more hard headed than him.

I do think there is a compromise. I’d be willing to pay to have her moms ashes stored at a cemetery, where she could go and visit.

BTW. I think you are absolutely right with that request and how she handles it.

a reply to: Grenade

I agree that I shouldn’t go looking for problems.

I’m a planner and am sorta trying to digest the whole situation right now.

I’m pretty sick of this sandwich generation thing. I went through hell taking care of my parents and feel like I’m just recovering from that. I told my husband I understand why some people downsize. It’s to prevent certain folks from
Eyeballing spare bedrooms!

a reply to: JAGStorm

"I am not OK with this and I know this is going to be an issue. I don't want to be all like "my house my rules" because this is a very sensitive situation, but that is exactly how I feel."

That says it all. Your house, your generosity. I wouldnt be concerned. Youve already done the "Christian thing". Bless you. I think you know youre right. And Im telling you too!

"Respect" in life aint just an Aretha Franklin song...>! Youve been the good person. Im like that too in many ways......cya

Peace.JS

So much to unpack here but you sound like a great Mother have no doubt either way you will get the best results possible but...

Generally first how old are we talking about? to me anything over the very early '20s is stunting their growth at some point they need to be able to live and cope with their lives on their own. That just isn't gonna happen with Momma Bear around, and I say that as a man that has worked with my family and has to live with them off and on over the years. It's not that it can't work out fine, but I just believe you learn from your mistakes you have to be out on your own. Without the proverbial safety net.

At some point they need to figure it out on thier own, there will be a day when you aren't around. But mostly they need to be together alone to see if they are gonna make it as a relationship.

The work ethic part from his girlfriend is the concerning part, he needs to see if he wants to live with that for the rest of his life without the parental dynamics getting involved.

All I know is my daughters have blossomed into damn fine adults because early on they had to make it happen on their own. I can't fathom a guy not wanting to be on thier own either, and my parents were great too, and always had the option to "live" there.

It's about growing personally and as a couple.

a reply to: putnam6

Generally first how old are we talking about? to me anything over the very early '20s is stunting their growth at some point they need to be able to live and cope with

25 him 22 her

At some point they need to figure it out on thier own

The is a very American thing. Being Asian, we are used to generational homes.

a reply to: JAGStorm

Hello.

Do allow me to give you some insights, but never let these words affect what is of Truth inside you.

Woman, or the Feminine Counterpart, should learn from the ancients. They are the balance needed by the Man, or the Masculine Counterpart, after all. Jobs are nothing in actuality. The feminine counterpart can still serve the family just by being home. Cooking, planting, childcare, and many more. Let us see the Beauty of Simplicity in everything. Judge not by the Way of the Contemporary. Judge by Truth.


In connection with your principles which indeed is in discordance with your son's girlfriend deed, it is time to talk with her honestly. Yet, before that, time to reflect on whether such "principles" are of justice or not.

So, let us decode the situation. You have the principle or the belief regarding the ashes of dead ones, but the homeless lass has just experienced something so inhumane that maybe the ashes of her grandma bring comfort to her. Would then it be too much if you will confront it to her?

Now, let us also see the Truth of the action of your future daughter-in-law (who knows?), the ashes serve as her attachment of the past. It is not beneficial if she cannot let go of them. It could be helpful if someone will talk it to her, of letting go of the deep grudges accumulated through time. Yet, it should not be forced but rather let it be known to her that she should decide for it, for without the Will to do so, then there will no action to follow through.

Then, to your principles, indeed, rules are for the owner. But if these principles are driven by illusionary fear, beliefs, etc., it will then be a disservice for the Good of Humanity. Try to reflect on this on how much countries are fighting against countries. Is it not that the macro-interpretation of a situation that could have been in your family if you will let such "principles of beliefs" be?


These are just inputs of wisdom, may you reflect on them.

[Do correct me if I may have had misunderstood something from your inquiry.]

originally posted by: JAGStorm
a reply to: putnam6

Generally first how old are we talking about? to me anything over the very early '20s is stunting their growth at some point they need to be able to live and cope with

25 him 22 her

At some point they need to figure it out on thier own

The is a very American thing. Being Asian, we are used to generational homes.

So they are still relatively young, then I see no problem with you helping them out for a little while. My brother is doing the same with his now adult sons, but while they have girlfriends that sometimes stay over, they still "live" elsewhere too.

It definitely has become more commonplace though Americans likely do it more as a necessity than really want to. I love my daughters fiercely and enjoy being with them constantly but it just wouldn't be my choice to live together even if we had the means. It's like we discussed as a family we would have loved to have some land and our home nearby perhaps but as far as all under one roof? We can do it if we have to and relatively enjoy it, but after a while, I'm gonna need some elbow room.

It seems they are young enough that they will benefit from your guidance as well as financially. But they have been in living situations where they were completely responsible for the bills groceries cooking cleaning etc. Not dorm room stuff actual rent and responsibilities?

The urn thing might be a concern, is this something where it can't be displayed or even stored in the house? I'm assuming his girlfriend is non-Asian?

Got to ask though knowing your powers of intuition and instincts what's your gut feeling? ie do you have a bad or good feeling about thier prospects as couple? if it has the potential to be permanent you should be able to proceed but if you feel like this is temporary it might be better to go a different route.

Another pertinent question how many close serious girlfriends has your son had? Has he lived with one for an extended period of time? If not all of these are things he needs to experience before he settles into what sounds like a semi-permanent situation.

If the relationship goes south, and it already has once it would seem to be destructive if it all would occur in what is essentially your household.

I would ponder the worst-case scenario, and how disruptive and damaging it could be for your son and his girlfriend individually. As well as the effect on you and your husband, which brings up what is his thoughts on this situation.

originally posted by: JAGStorm
a reply to: putnam6

At some point they need to figure it out on thier own

The is a very American thing. Being Asian, we are used to generational homes.

If she is Asian then Ok I guess. But if she is American...and you are in America? My experiences mirror Putman 6 exactly. This type of thing leads to adults who are never capable of adulting without their parents at their side. Having to stand on their own two feet, rely on each other, and go through those hard times makes for a strong relationship. Is this what you are expecting in the future or are you expecting they live a more Asian type of lifestyle? From what I know of Asian culture in these situations, the parents will always be closely involved in their son's life (as you said you live in multi-generational homes and she will be expected to house her in-laws in the future for example) and she needs to be fully aware of this lifestyle and the future expectations before this goes any further. I know people who have been in this situation and the constant involvement by the parents caused divorce because the non-Asian wife eventually felt smothered. Just my thoughts having my own of that age.

We do have an extra bedroom for friends of ours who come to visit or need a place to stay for a doctor appointment for a day. Other than that, only relatives and their spouses or a person they are in a relationship can stay at our place. The granddaughter stayed with us for years, and now my great granddaughter stays over occasionally for the night, but we babysit our great grandkids a couple of days a week and the oldest in kindergarden catches the bus here and gets off here now. The grandson-in-law drops her off every weekday early and picks her up at night. We take the great grandson only two days, his mother gets them once a week and my ex-wife gets them usually two days too. Saves them money for daycare doing it that way, none of us charge them anything and we even make them meals.

Daycare for two kids would erase a lot of one of their job earnings. After the pandemic costs of daycare went way up as if it wasn't really high to begin with. Even a baby sitter around here seems to want five bucks an hour per kid these days or seven bucks an hour for two when one has to go to school. Daycares don't want sick kids in their centers, so work is missed too

your house
make any rules you want

wondered though if the author even read our response. You know, some sort of feedback if the voice was heard, was valued even by just the act of reading.


Thank you everyone.


EDIT: It was valued! Yaay! Haha, the voice was heard. Thank you for reading, dearest author.

originally posted by: OEDnow
wondered though if the author even read our response. You know, some sort of feedback if the voice was heard, was valued even by just the act of reading.


Thank you everyone.


EDIT: It was valued! Yaay! Haha, the voice was heard. Thank you for reading, dearest author.

Thank you. I appreciate every bit of advice.
I know that many have dealt with similar situation but no two are exactly the same.