Letting a Non Family Member Move in to Your House

We are in a situation that probably isn't too unique. So please chime in with your advice. Grab a hot tea, this is long.
We've had imput from family and friends that are too close to the situation, so I'd like to hear anonmous inputs.

My husband and I have a very large house and very large hearts.
During Covid we had a rotating door with 10 different adults living here. Two non related but very short visits.

Our adult son lives with us. He had his own apartment and had a hard breakup and I said he was always welcomed home.
This is cultural as Asians don't kick their kids out and as we grow close to middle age we also invite, and take care of our elders.
This is exactly what transpired during that time. My parents moved in and our son moved back home. No issues, he works very long hours and we actually don't see him much. No problem.

Do you see where this is going? One day he came home and was acting weird. Of course my Mama spidey senses are never off, so I asked who is it?
He quickly admitted it was his old girlfriend that he broke up with, and they are back together. A situation of can't live with each other can't live without.

Now let's get into a little of her history. Completely f'd up traumitizing childhood. (I mean really really bad) The one parent is left that is as responsible as a todder.
Deep deep trauma from parental death and upbringing. That said, she is a lovely lass. A little on the quiet side but I can tell she has a lot of
fight in her. She had been her grandma's sole caretaker until grandma went to hospice and her aunt swooped in to take all the belongings and estate (not much), leaving girlfriend broke, emotionally drained and now homeless and jobless for the moment. I do know for a fact she was the sole caretaker for the grandma for about a year. BUT.... one of the reasons my son broke up with her is the differences in their work ethic. My son is a workaholic and she isn't. I don't see that changing. BUT she obviously has a deep and caring nature.

So here we are. My husband and I are comfortable financially. We are also comfortable space wise. They will live in our basement which is almost 2000 sq ft. So i'd say there is enough room down there. We have no hang ups with them being together without being married.

So what's the problem? One big issue, and one little. Should they break up, what kind of weird situation will that create. Because she is basically homeless will we legally be responsible for housing her, or what other legal entanglements are we not aware of? My brother insists we are hindering both of them by not exposing them to the harsh realities of the world. Keep in mind they both did live outside of parents home prior to this. My brother is a very very successful person financially, but with deep emotional issues, so not sure if he has room to chime in. Housing is insane in our area and my sons main goal is to buy land and a house and possible a shop and living at home allows that to happen quicker. I think these are reasonable and attainable goals.

Second stickyer situation. I'm a bit superstition, I don't allow urs of dead people in my house. I wouldn't allow my inlaws, or even my own parents ashes into the house. This girl has her mom's ashes with her and prominently displayed. I am not OK with this and I know this is going to be an issue. I don't want to be all like "my house my rules" because this is a very sensitive situation, but that is exactly how I feel.

On a personal level I wonder if I'm allowing this for the wrong reasons. I'm a total mama bear and I see a wounded cub right now.

So has anyone been in a similar situation? What advice would you have?

As a side note, I wonder if more people will be faced with this type of situation in the coming months due to the economy.

Maybe if you tried looking at it from yet another perspective? I've had roommates before and that's perfectly normal. Think (and tell her) it'll be like she's a roommate, with rules she will have to agree to before she can move in. I've done that before and when it's all down in black and white, there has never been any problems. Since you were there first, if there are any disagreements, she has the less "standing" and would have to move out first if things didn't work out. Maybe something like this could work?

Because I've thought about getting a roommate under these terms recently, just to help somebody that's down and out.

a reply to: JAGStorm

Nope. Ain't doin' it. Oh Hell No.

Been down that road and will never do it again. You are about to be a referee in a grudge match. May not seem like it now....but it's coming.

a reply to: JAGStorm

You're doing a good thing, for good reasons, and you're already aware of that fact. Likely you're also aware of why they got back together in the first place. That's not a relationship per se, I sense she's charity for him as much as she's charity for you.

There's plenty of space, resources, and opportunity to heal and recover. Perfect place for someone with her baggage to set it down and get her ducks in a row. Be there, teach her, motivate her. This is the window for you to unofficially be mom in law until you know for certain where her heart is.

The cremation ashes are your discretion. Again, mom in law's house means your word is law.

Hope my two cents helped.

a reply to: JAGStorm

Oh boy do I have 2 unwanted experiences of this over the last year. I will give this disclaimer before continuing: Both my experiences were not my children. Which does change things quite a bit.

First, brought my friend out here from France. He was in hell over the with all the Covid restrictions and mandates. Forcefully vaccinated against his will. I offered him a job and a place to live with me. Even offered to give him free rent for a short period while he gets back on his feet. The deal was he would clean vehicles for my biz in exchange. The problem is, I did not set expectations 100% clear. Naturally, he took advantage of the situation. Stopped cleaning vehicles why he lived for free and was overall depressed all the time. This went on for 4 months. With an explosion culminating after that, due to me feeling taken advantage of. At that point, I set ALL expectations clear. He lived with me in peace for the next 8 months until he moved out 4 weeks ago.

Second situation much like the first. This time with my sister. She was living in Texas working at a job she hated. Barely making ends meet at 45 years old. Drinking her life away when not working. My biz was booming, so I offered to bring her out here and work for my company. Without going into extreme details and to keep it short, I’ve never had someone egregiously screw me over day after day, as much as her It was like she was doing it on purpose, it was so bad. Mistake after mistake. Never owning up to what she did wrong. And it was always everyone else’s fault. Instead of helping my business, she hurt it in too many ways to count. I have 4 major mistakes I’ve made in my life, and this is one of them. She literally drained the life out of me. We aren’t talking now after spending the last 20 years being very close.

In summary, you need to set expectations 1000% clear to your son and his GF.. If it were me, I’d demand that she works while she lives in my house (plenty of jobs out their) and contribute. Additionally, set an end date. If they are both working, there is no reason that they can’t make ends meet on their own. With regards to another breakup (which kinda sounds inevitable due to it already happening), that’s a tough one. The animosity that would produce in your home would be overwhelming. We often think that we set the tone in our own homes. Unfortunately, the negativity put off from others can be infectious. I thought I had the power to overcome the depression issues from both people. Unfortunately, they took me down in the dumps with them. All the way up until I was rid of them. With regards to the urn, your house your rules. And I can see why you don’t want dead people remains in your house…

I don’t know why, but it appears that it’s human nature to take advantage of situations. More unfortunately, family and friends feel completely okay doing it to us, without remorse. It’s almost as if they feel they have a right to our successes, and believe they have a stake in it due to our connection to them.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

a reply to: TzarChasm

heal and recover.

Those words really resonated with me. Thank you!

This is the window for you to unofficially be mom in law until you know for certain where her heart is.

Yes, and I think I already have been. Even when they broke up, there were no hard feelings.

a reply to: KKLOCO

Oh my goodness, thank you so much for that thorough advice...
hmm. You hit some parts that maybe I don't want to confront, or am not ready to confront.

You hit on a sore spot for me. My brother. We are very close. I'm much older than him and basically was his mom as my mom was not mentally capable to raise him. When I left for college in a different country, all hell broke loose and I am still blamed to this day.

He makes stern "recommendations" on my children without realizing I did the exact same things for him!
In a super weird twisted way, sometimes I think he has sibling rivalry with my own children even though he is my brother and not my child. So the two cents he chimes in rubs me the wrong way,... even when there is some truth to it.

a reply to: JAGStorm

My only good advice for your situation is to draw up some kind of a month-to-month lease agreement and have her sign it. That way it will be a little easier to get her out should you need to.

I love that your old avatar is back. It was nice to see what you look like, but I prefer this old one. Not that my preference should matter any.

a reply to: tamusan

I love that your old avatar is back. It was nice to see what you look like, but I prefer this old one. Not that my preference should matter any

I like to change it up. I also like to remind myself that we are never as anonymous as we think we are. I do think a photo changes how people interact with you and their preconceived notions of you.

a reply to: KKLOCO

Just wanted to add separately, You seem like one stand up dude!

There aren't too many of us helpers out there. The world needs more people like us. It's too bad we get
taken advantage of so much we don't want to do it anymore.

a reply to: JAGStorm

You are almost exactly as I imagined you based on what you have shared about yourself on this board. The only difference is that you are much younger-looking than I imagined.

a reply to: JAGStorm


Been there, done that!

My sons ex was homeless as well. Very intelligent, talented, sweet appearing girl. She became part of our family.

For 3 years, she lived with my son/my sister and myself. I didn’t charge rent because she was 19 and had no license and many legal fees (which I didn’t find out about til year 2-1/2 what they were, road rage).

I wanted to help her, and my son loved her so much. I had visions of drivers licenses/jobs, money saved for their future.

Here’s what happened:


I drove them both to jobs for 3 years, while working my own. Different shifts (they got out at 11:00pm because she accused a coworker of sexually harassing her, so instead of their 8-3 shift, they got transferred to 3-11 because the Mgr didn’t want her and accused dude working on the same shift. So now I was driving in my lunch half hour to pick them up and drop them at work to make it back to my job that let me out at 4:00pm, to then turn around and pick them up at 11:00pm, and I had to get up at 6:00am for my weekend shift.

I thought I was helping: Fast forward, I think she has license (she doesn’t), my car dies in the center of town, she leaves it there at a green light cause she doesn’t want to get in trouble? A coworker of mine has to drive me to my car, which starts right up btw) as I’m calling AAA. When I pick her and my son up I say calmly and firmly, EVERYONES getting licenses.

Prior to that, she took the car and got 2 screws in my tires, over 400.00 to replace. Ever see any money for that,NO!

She quits job with my son, gets a new job, other side of town, I’m still driving her and picking her up. Throws me a tenner once every 6 months for gas, but feels it’s ok to trash talk Trump to me and my sister every time we are all in the car together; I swear my sisters soul left her body once lol

She starts acting strange, my sons friend calls to console him over this girl, saw her at a party and she’s telling everyone they broke up. Playing games with his head. Possessions I have are now missing.

My sons heart is breaking, he calls me at my work with new info. I told him she has to go and I’ll take care of it. I left work, tried to call her but she wouldn’t answer, part of her new game! I left voicemail come get your # you’re out. Called the cops to have presence here to avoid confrontation (which I’m glad I did because she lunged at me) while getting her things.

She came with a dude, and then trash talked me on fb.

My sister paid her cellphone bill for 3 years, we took her on trips, made sure she had what she needed and she said fake horrible things in fb

My son was so heartbroken he just left and moved in with a friend in another state. Then I was heartbroken.

I later found out we were like the 4th family she did this too.

She took some money from my sons bank account 6 months later and said it was an accident.


Your house, Your rules.

My situation was a nightmare, but that is life!


If she can’t put the urn in storage, she can pay for her own rent!

originally posted by: JAGStorm
a reply to: KKLOCO

Just wanted to add separately, You seem like one stand up dude!

There aren't too many of us helpers out there. The world needs more people like us. It's too bad we get
taken advantage of so much we don't want to do it anymore.

You’re welcome! And thank you for the compliment!

You are right, though. This past year has made me come to one solid conclusion - take care of myself first and foremost. Both people ‘acted’ very grateful at the beginning. That quickly wore off into ‘what have you done for me lately?’. I sincerely wish I had better news / advice. The one consolation from it all, my father and I believe I saved my sisters life. She finally stopped drinking after a 4 day visit to the hospital in August. Doctors told her that her liver is fried. We Don’t think she would have made it to 50 with the way she had been drinking for 20 years and it wouldn’t have stopped her being isolated in TX. The problem I have is (which hits close to home with your OP being about helping a child), what I did was something a parent should do for a child - not a brother for a sister. Why do I say this? Because my sister drained my bank account so much, it prohibits me from helping my actual children, as much as I want to.

I’ve realized that having Uber generosity can bite you in the ass in more ways than can be counted. Like I said earlier, set all expectations clear at the beginning. Tell them the reason you’re doing it is to avoid problems / confrontation down the road. They may think your a nazi at first. Later, they will realize that if things go awry, it’s all on them, as you made those expectations crystal clear at the beginning.

a reply to: KTemplar

Let me add another layer to this.

My son and his girlfriend are DROP DEAD gorgeous. I mean absolutely stunning.
My son has a similar look as Jason Momoa. I can't even go to the gas station with him without women of all ages hitting on him. She is a petite, long blonde hair and crystal blue eyes with a baby face. YET these two never had serious relationships prior to each other, it's almost laughable.
They are both unique and their weird personalities are compatible.

Maybe like you as a mom, I'm hoping this leads to something long term and permanent.
I'd lie if I didn't say I think they would produce the most adorable babies on planet earth.

I shouldn't even go there because yours truly would be the one probably having to deal with that.

Luckily, or unluckily none of my kids have any interest in having babies at this point.

a reply to: JAGStorm



I can relate, I actually bought baby booties when they first got together. I really thought they would make it, they were best friends, inseparable. Truly in love.

I’ve learned to take care of me first like KKLOCO says. I don’t hate her, I just wish happiness for my son. I Loved his second girlfriend from Maine but it didn’t work out (not enough in common) son didn’t have enough time to heal from first one, and hanging with his bud too much for her liking.. I cried til 1:00am when she went home.

Relationships really need a deep level of compatibility I believe. Hopefully your son has that with her.

This is why I’m single, love is expensive and heartbreaking imo, and emotionally draining

a reply to: KTemplar

Relationships really need a deep level of compatibility I believe. Hopefully your son has that with her.

They do on certain levels, but not on others and that really worries me.

This is why I’m single, love is expensive and heartbreaking imo, and emotionally draining

I was married to my HS sweetheart. It was a nightmare, we fought every...single...day!
I don't even know what we saw in each other because it was apparent that we actually hated each other. I think we were just together so long we thought the next logical step was marriage. That didn't last long. We divorced and both remarried.

I don't get the big deal about the urn. The body fried at 1200°. It's sterile.

An urn of ashes can't hurt you. It's just an urn of ashes.

Before she took the kids and left my brother to rot, while he was getting back on his feet he and his baby-mama lived with my parents for a few months.

That was ten years ago- my mother still complains about it to this day.
Do not recommend.

originally posted by: Creep Thumper
I don't get the big deal about the urn. The body fried at 1200°. It's sterile.

An urn of ashes can't hurt you. It's just an urn of ashes.

It might not be a big deal to you but I don't want ashes where I live.
I believe ashes should be returned to earth or at the very least in a final resting place.
That place is not my home.

To be honest it doesn't matter if it is an outlandish request, it's my home and anything that makes me uncomfortable I have a right not to have here.

a reply to: JAGStorm

So I have experience with his from the perspective of your son. My now wife also had a very traumatic childhood and a lot of baggage that comes with it. We have been homeless a few times as well and had to lean on family to make it through. We have lived with multiple folks in her family as well as with my own family. There were good time but when we were younger we would get into massive fights where we both want beyond what is ok. This has happened at my moms and her own adopted moms (her grandmother adopted her). I know it had to be a lot for them but both are amazing people who put up with us and did all they could to help.

If you are willing to put up with similar situations popping up...and want to help them both on their relationship as well as being successful in life, I would say go for it. Just know those types of things will come up...no relationship is perfect. As to the ashes...your house your rules and if its that important to you those rules should stand. Maybe to ease the situation you could start thinking of some alternative solutions to what she can do with them that wouldn't rock the boat so to speak.

I think it the end of the day its everyones duty as a human to do what they can to help those they care about. However as the one receiving the help its your duty to make receiving that help as easy one the ones helping as possible.