Need to vent I guess

a reply to: zosimov

Thanks Zos!

Its like a big family round these parts.

originally posted by: Ellie Sagan
Truly, I have so many of my own issues that have nothing to do with the relationship. I think maybe if I can take care of that stuff, I can then focus more on the relationship? I don't know! Blah! Haha

If you focus on your relationship WITH THAT PERSON FACE TO FACE, the answers to all problems have the best chance of long term solutions because you will BOTH have the sources you need the most as you journey together...

Connection.
Trust.
Sharing.
Openness.
Honesty.
Energy.
Acceptance.
Self esteem.
Consideration.
Empathy.
Friendship.
Partnership.
Motivation.
Momentum.
Potential.
Future.
Life.

Deal with the Good, Bad and Ugly...the whole ball of wax. Anything else is denial and will lead to delusion.

Take the biggest metaphorical breath of your life and jump in.

If you miss at connecting with your husband absolutely knowing YOU put everything in that you can, perhaps you are just treading water on a daily basis and looking for answers in all the wrong places.

All the above obviously goes for him too!

Be strong, and never be afraid to scare the crap out of yourselves together.

The successes we have, depend on the failures we all make and how honest we are to learn the lessons and not repeat repeat repeat the same mistakes, however much it hurts.

Hurting inside is natural, it is how we become more than just a human. We become human BEINGS.

Peace.

a reply to: TheLieWeLive

I think I will do that tonight when I go to bed. It's a good idea. I do have a very active dream life and lately they've been coming strong. I never can figure out why I'm dreaming what I'm dreaming, but dang it's a wild, weird ride!

a reply to: Macenroe82


Thanks to you, too! I know I've read your posts on here and been cheered; that's what community is for, and we have a great one!

originally posted by: Ellie Sagan
a reply to: putnam6

Yes, I'm always trying to boil it down to the biggest thing that's got me feeling so dang helpless and unhappy. There's a few, but basically I have very low self esteem and I'm always looking for validation from others. That's not good for me and it's not good for them.

Don't give others that negative power over you, take what is useful for you and discard the rest. I can't emphasize that enough, trust yourself you have probably stumbled over your life answers in the past but disregarded them because you don't trust yourself. Nobody knows you better than you and speaking as a guy if you are all of the sudden happy and content, it should help you gauge your partner's interest level in fixing things. Just remember everybody learns at their own pace, but if he asks let him know you are making progress on yourself.

But if the goal is to entice him to participate you have to show that you are moving towards being really well adjusted and content. If he comes along for the ride great, but if not you have acquired coping skills you will need to maintain your contentment.

Another poster touched on an Idea, yu might want to expand on.

Try recording yourself as you would if you were explaining to your spouse your thought and concerns. Now watch it over and over, refine what you need to, look for the absolute best words to communicate your feelings. Ive done this and Ive absolutely dropped virtually everything I was concerned about because I made such a poor case for my concerns.


Because for me as a guy, when you hear my partner say Im unhappy it can start alarm bells of need to fix this for her. Make sure you are working on yourself, hopefully, he will get the hint and work on himself.

Regardless, you got this, you just don't know it yet. It's okay to be your toughest critic, but make sure you acknowledge your positives. Acknowledging your own private issues is a tremendous start.

originally posted by: Ellie Sagan
a reply to: TheLieWeLive

I think I will do that tonight when I go to bed. It's a good idea. I do have a very active dream life and lately they've been coming strong. I never can figure out why I'm dreaming what I'm dreaming, but dang it's a wild, weird ride!

Tell us about your dreams, they can say a lot and are a great way of reading your own subconsious if you can remember them.

a reply to: putnam6

Thank you, your words have encouraged me. This probably sounds arrogant, but I actually do see the good in me if I think about it. I actually think I'm a pretty interesting person,with a wide variety of interests. It goes against the way I was raised, that you don't brag about yourself.
I will try that, with writing, not a recording.

a reply to: nerbot


I dream a lot. The most common dreams are the ones with spiders, water, and my old house. Lately, I've been dreaming a lot more about my dad who died a bit over a year ago. That is one of my stressors, I used to talk with him a lot. We got very close the last few years of his life. We've always been on the same wavelength so to speak. We had a lot of similar interests and ways of seeing things. He was very nonjudgemental and always seemed interested in what I had to say, even if it was boring to others. I miss him so much, I have so much to tell him all the time, but I can't anymore.

a reply to: Ellie Sagan

You can vent on ATS, if you say that you need help most of the members will be nice to you.

I get it about a spouse. We lived many many years away from family and most of our friends were also people he worked with. I could NOT vent to anyone about my spouse and had to keep it in. There is no one, and I mean no one who doesn't need to vent about their spouse every now and then. No human is perfect, none, and living with someone who is a human means they will do stupid things sometimes (like I did just yesterday and feel terrible about it as it was unintentional); and they will be mean sometimes (when I went through a long bout of sickness I know I was grouchy and he gets grouchy when he doesn't feel well; everyone can get grouchy when they are tired and we are with our spouses when they are the most tired. But there was no one I could talk to either about it for fear they would misunderstand and it would affect his job.

We have now been married a VERY VERY long time. It is interesting that our marriage followed the pattern that most marriages do. (I taught PSY in Univ., one course was Marriage and Family). The honeymoon period, followed by a real slump as you realize the person you are living with has "quirks" and can be grouchy and even mean sometimes. Then babies and for many the relationship improves some despite the exhaustion, through early childhood. Then the teen years hit which for most couples is the worst time ever in their marriages. 12-16 year olds strain the very best of marriages, some to the breaking point where the couple feels they are just roommates putting up with each other. Finally, the kids leave the nest and things begin to improve. Then comes retirement and if you have made it this far, marriage can be better than the honeymoon time, not sex (unfortunately nature does a number on that one). But the late life marriage is deep and love is richer and so different than the honeymoon period, but I think it is way better than the honeymoon phase because there is no adjustment, that all happened a long time ago. You know each other and have decided to put up with the quirks because that is who your spouse is. After they are gone, my friends with very late life marriages say you really miss the quirks that used to bug you.

So if you are in the puberty years with your kids, know that is the absolute worst time for marriages everywhere, and you are not alone. Spouses fight because each may have different ideas about how to handle their kids when it comes to really important issues, like sex, life choices, education, etc. Issues that parents know will shape their kids for a lifetime and it scares them and their spouse may have very different ideas about the curfew, birth control, grades, etc.



Just to let you know, you are not alone.

a reply to: nerbot

The successes we have, depend on the failures we all make and how honest we are to learn the lessons and not repeat repeat repeat the same mistakes, however much it hurts.

This is so true. I needed to be reminded of that. I feel like it's somewhat akin to the idea that nothing can be created without the destruction of something else. There's no room for the positive changes, without dealing with the negative present realities.

a reply to: The2Billies

You described it very well. Our kids are adults now, but they haven't left the house yet. Our family is a bit dysfunctional that way. One kid is working on fixing his house he bought, it needs a lot of work to be lived in still. The other kid has issues that hinder him. We're not gonna kick him out, so where that goes I don't know. He's not a bad kid, just kinda lost I guess. I'm sure part of that is our fault for the conditions he grew up in. I hate putting it out there, but as one could surmise from what I said earlier, drinking has caused a lot of strife in our household. No abuse, just a lot of dysfunction. He is our youngest, and he's always been the adult. I always felt that he was the most mature of his and his brother's friend group.

a reply to: Ellie Sagan

After reading some of your posts, I decided to pass along some advice, hope that is ok.

A piece of advice you can take or not, which ever is ok.

Positive reinforcement makes the most permanent changes in people, but takes a lot of time and patience in a relationship. How to do it: Whenever he does something you like, tell him, say thank you. I know that sounds silly, but my spouse and I both practice it after we nearly fell apart - yes during the teen years. We work hard at thanking and saying positive things to each other.

The key is, example: If he drops his underwear on the floor, don't say anything, but when he picks it up, say something like "thanks for putting your underwear in the hamper." Then drop the discussion, stop there just a little thank you, not a word about the "bad" behavior, just find a way to praise the opposite behavior. Substitute anything he does that irritates you in this scenario.
Interestingly enough my spouse and I both changed and it was easy and pleasant and no one got mad because we stopped harping on each other and found the rare moment when he or I was doing the opposite of the "bad" behavior and said a kind word about the good behavior and then dropped the subject entirely, getting on with whatever we were doing.

This is NOT an overnight fix, it takes a lot of time, but it works in the long run, this is a "scientifically proven" method.

Worth a try, it is free, but is very hard to do because you have to "catch them in the act of doing good" and then remember to say thanks, or I appreciate that, or that helped me, something positive. Then DROP THE SUBJECT, don't let him drag you into any discussion over dropped underwear, and go on with what you were doing.

a reply to: Ellie Sagan

Don't kick yourself too much!

When I taught about parenting I would always have someone say "My Mama spanked me and I turned out just fine." Then I would turn to the class and say if you are a parent raise your hand. Then I'd say if you have never made a mistake as a parent raise your hand, and no hands would go up. Then I'd say, I'm not a perfect parent, I wasn't a perfect parent, we are all human and humans make mistakes.

The key is to not beat yourself up over the mistakes you made. Rather, focus on how you can do better in the future, how you can make things better, how you can change to make things better.

"Your Mama did the best she knew how, but you can do better for your kids and make things better." (off topic, but I also said, which would shock people, there is a time and place for a swat, when a kid repeatedly does something that could hurt/kill him or others and you can't get them to stop. I had a son who as an infant before child locks repeatedly opened the car door while it was moving and in our tiny car he could reach a door handle from anywhere I put his seat. After exhausting all other options, a slap on his hands ended his opening the car door while the car was moving.) Point is, change and making things better takes time, and you are a human, doing your best, and no matter how hard you try you are going to make mistakes. So quit beating yourself up, just apologize to whomever you need to apologize to, and resolve to do better next time.

My daughter was taking one of my parenting classes after she had her kids. She would harp constantly, "but Mom you did.." Finally another student after several sessions turned to her and said "Get over yourself, she did the best she could". Now she has teenagers, and I have seen her do the very things in frustration that she "accused" me of doing, like losing my temper, and being "unfair". I don't say a word, because most of the time she is a great Mom, but she is human and gets frustrated and face it teens can do some really stupid things that challenge the very best of parents.

I have had to remind my daughter a few times about positive reinforcement as gently and positively as I could when she over reacted. But I never accused her of being a bad parent, because what is done is done, and she was doing her best.

So don't beat yourself up. Look to the future and resolve to do better, and then don't beat yourself up when you make a mistake, but pick yourself up and resolve to do better once again. It is a process.

Just so you know, my marriage isn't perfect, we still get grouchy and tired and fuss, but we deal with it differently after years of practicing positive reinforcement on each other. My adult kids aren't perfect and don't parent the way I did, one is strict, the other is more permissive, but they are both good parents and I have learned to keep my mouth shut (so hard), but I still practice positive reinforcement on them and they have both changed in little ways I can see - one loosening up a little and the other tightening up a little.

a reply to: Ellie Sagan

Yes, I'm always trying to boil it down to the biggest thing that's got me feeling so dang helpless and unhappy. There's a few, but basically I have very low self esteem and I'm always looking for validation from others. That's not good for me and it's not good for them.

You say "helpless and unhappy". "low self esteem". The link below will probably be your best free online place to find a safe group specific for helping you overcome these. They at least can help point in the right direction to find the best kind of support that you need.

NAMI Zoom Group

I'm sorry your not having a very good time at the moment. Sending you huge aroha *love* and tautoko *support*. I am probably on the other side of the world from you, but my good vibrations resonate around the world to you. Know that it is ok not to feel ok.

a reply to: Ellie Sagan

It helped me because they're very well-moderated and they don't tolerate any bullying or judging. The other members are also very kind and helpful.

a reply to: Ellie Sagan

I don't have people in my life that I feel comfortable with talking about some of the stuff, I'm afraid of letting people see all the gunk that lies beneath the image I have portrayed

First, I do not want to reduce you down to this section but it stuck out to me. Everyone has dirty clothes to wash, dirt on their walking cane, skeletons in their closet... If you knew lol. But I understand the need for a good image, as everyone tries to uphold that charade a bit.

What you wrote about your experience on the chat site reads horrible, you basically got some other patient and without someone counselling that talk or overseeing / knowing both patients and watching progress and what they do, talk about and behave, this can go horribly wrong. Evidently it did for you. Because there are rules to follow, like staying by oneself and not making other's problems yours. The idea is that one airs their thoughts without much holding back because of such external biases. The other one is supposed to just listen and compare, reflect about similarities. That's where your experience failed because no one really guided you two. I am no therapist.

Because it's easier to see this from outside. The saying we often only see other's failures is true. Subconscious we are not able to solve them, or we would. But if we see other's doing them, and without bias listen to their honest thoughts, that's when healing and change can begin.

Only with self reflection you can achieve happyness, not what someone tells you to do or think. No matter where you go, to therapy or who you would ask here or elsewhere, always be aware that even though they might just want your best, their best is not the best for you. This means, in the end you always have to make your own decision. Because everyone's opinion and viewpoints on life are different to start with.

I am no expert in relationships either, lol by far not. So take it all with a grain of salt, as I recommended before.

Also be aware that if you vent here, you have to expect opinions that might be worded very direct and clear, to be able to reflect on it without taking it personal, you need to sort out those that are based on them not reading. I should take that advice myself more often though.

Wish you the best for figuring this out, here, have a digital hug

a reply to: The2Billies

Ah double post but important to me:

You make a beautiful point. With what you wrote also comes more awareness. It's very important in my opinion, not only for relationships. We go through life with our blinders on and pass so many beautiful things and moments without really living them.

Like rushing through a museum to finish the tour.
Or going for a walk and just walk but not observe, soak and watch nature.
Listening but only for finding a smart answer.
Gifting something, but only because of expectations.

How many things colored *pick color* do you see in your room now? It's almost impossible to get it right on the first try. Something might be hidden because of a wrong viewpoint, too. Not addressing you here directly, it was for the reader.