Going to be a father. No idea how to be a dad, lost in life all together.

a reply to: wwe9112

Had my kids at 22 and 23, dude, Irish twins-style.

You think YOU didn't know WTF to do, try being the 9-month Bed & Breakfast without the experience first.

You will do fine

a reply to: wwe9112

Don't stress. Honestly, it is mostly common sense and simply "being there" for them. The worst thing you can do is worry about it. And don't worry when you inevitably question some of the decisions you will make over the coming years - everyone gets things wrong at some point.

My only other real advice is consistency. Not being consistent will cause you all sorts of problems, starting from toddler years onwards.

a reply to: wwe9112

Well...one thing: you're rambling a bit without a break, breath, or end of paragraph here!

Slow down...there's no rush, or answer to life. Just live it.

Im not a father....but because all this matters to you....I think you'll be fine.

It's said let go of who you are (from before)...to see who you've become!

God bless, congrats. MS

I was like you but 3 years older. Totally lost 15-28 and now at 30 expecting my first child next week. I grew up with alcoholism is my home my entire childhood. I know you can do it because I’ve done it too.

You grew up without your father don’t do that to your child you know it’s like and hold the power to protect them from that. If you are suffering from addictions of any kind seek help, it works and you would be surprised how many people feel exactly like you do in AA or NA(not accusing you of anything either there are many other support groups for people who don’t suffer from addiction but other issues) you cant be a man and father and burn out at the same time.


It’s a hard pill to swallow I took it myself because I acted like a child well into my 20s as well but it’s time to grow up now. It’s literally now or never.

a reply to: wwe9112

Reading all these replies makes me remember more and more. Spend time with them always especially as much as you can early on. Be flexible and remember they can be little tape recorders. I used to take my oldest daughter with me everywhere I could, after doing this for a while. I pulled up to a stoplight while she was in her car seat next to me. Well, the light turned green and she exclaimed:" Green Light go people go !!" but considerably more happy than I ever did. They are little sponges they soak it all up, even when you think they don't

Congratulations wwe9112, you're about to embark on one of the greatest journeys of your life!

Don't despair, I'm roughly 10 years your senior and 11 months ahead of you with our first child. I absolutely love being a father, it is a wonderful experience, incredibly challenging, but truly wonderful. There is so much to say, I'll do my best to keep it brief.

- It's totally alright to feel ill equipped for what is to come, but rest assured, you'll grow with the job.
- Do all that you can to support your fiance during her third and "fourth" trimester (there can be quite some time of recovery following birth). Stuff like taking your baby for a walk in the morning, so your fiance can catch up on sleep can be a start.
- Regarding disciple, realistically, you won't really need to say 'no' to your child until they are mobile and grabbing for whatever unsavory thing they want to test with their mouth. They come to understand more around the 8 or 9 month mark from memory. But again, you and they will grow into this as they well.. grow.
- Be available for your fiance and child. Really, one of the greatest things you can provide is yourself, connect with them both relationally and emotionally. Slow down, make your world smaller.
- Invest as much of your time as you can into the first 3 years of your babies life.
- Get a support network and ask for help. The whole "it takes a village to raise a child" is true, for us our church has been super supportive and our family has grown closer.
- Stock up your freezer with ready made meals now, they will come in handy for nights you don't feel like cooking.
- Join a men's group for support, especially one focused on growing as a man and becoming a great husband and father.
- Let go of your old life and embrace what is in front of you.
- Be prepared for and to change. You'll grow in character like never before.
- Marry your fiance, continue to focus and work on your relationship and stay married. The importance of having a stable home can't be overstated.
- Set a night aside each week to focus on your marriage eg: Wednesday nights is our date night, we go for a walk and order take out.
- If you aren't already a praying man, you will be haha. I laugh, but I'm sure it will be true.

Some resources I found insightful are:
- The Circle of Security parenting course.
- Two books: Raising Great Kids and also Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.
- Pathways.org for the games section for when you're looking for new idea's for play/development.

Lastly I'll leave this, with the state of the world I couldn't be doing this parenting gig without my faith in God. The world will try tell you children are a burden, the alternative is to see them as a blessing. During the challenging times I had to stand by this verse "I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse, choose life so that you and your descendants may live". Choose life, choose the blessing! Children truly are a gift from God. I'm sure you'll see.

Enjoy the journey man and once again, congratulations to you and your fiance!

There's no handbook on parenting. No one, set way. You take it day by day and let your love for the child lead the way. Raise them to be better than you, and a positive force on the world. The rest will work itself out.

a reply to: Mandroid7

I was told after I had my baby about how nice it was I had
someone to grow up with.That was 46 years ago and I can't
remember who said it.I think it was my dad.

congratulations!

i think what you feel is pretty normal, honestly. i think we observe the adults in our lives when we're kids and we project on them this idea of how they are on the inside but they just reacted to how their society was, the same as you or i. nobody just hits a certain age and gains all that mythical knowledge.

would definitely recommend you look into some parenting courses, read some books, if you are really feeling at sea. i've heard a good one is 'how to talk so kids will listen' but that might be for when the tot is a little older.

good luck!

originally posted by: Flavian
a reply to: wwe9112


My only other real advice is consistency. Not being consistent will cause you all sorts of problems, starting from toddler years onwards.

Read this...then read it again....and read it again!! Start a routine at the beginning (bed time, eating, expectations, everything) and stick to it. Don't let other people throw it off. Kids crave this. It makes them feel secure even if they fight against it sometimes. If you are consistent, have a routine, and follow through on discipline your son/daughter will thrive and be well adjusted and things will be A LOT easier in the long run.

No one is ever ready....mentally or financially! I think you sound more ready than most. In fact, it sounds to me like a family to enjoy and focus on is what you might be missing.

I don't know where you live, but you may consider a move to a more conservative area. Where we live there are still those men that you talk about. Yes, it is rural, and poor, but the old type of traditions and family values are very much still here. And you could probably get a little closer to a bigger city and still find those to some extent depending on location. Our son is 22 and his friends here all meet up at the little local hardware store/gun shop after work to bull* just like my grandpa did. People here value their time, family, and recreation more than having a mcmansion or the latest car or even what is going on on the news.

FWIW I'm in my mid 40's and I feel the same way about the state of the world. But I couldn't be more proud of the man our son has turned out to be. And I told him not to be afraid to have his own family....the world is going to need more people like him!

There is a song by Hardy and it really catches my heart. There's a line that says "felt like the end of the world, now the world don't spin without 'em". And man...that's the real truth right there.

a reply to: wwe9112

Welcome to fatherhood!

Reminds me of American Pie- Reunion. They are all a decade out of the first movie where they were in their senior year. Everybody is pretending to be adults and acting like they have it alll together. Not a great movie but relevant.

My kids are 20 and 16. It’s been incredible and I can’t even remember life before kids at this point. As said before me, be consistent! Man, to this day if I use a certain tone my kids jump, and it’s not because I ever whipped their butts, it’s because since they were little toddlers they got one warning. Mine hated being alone and thinking they disappointed me. So they would go to their room or somewhere alone and sit and cry and it rips your heart out. But you outa see the other side. My wife would never follow through on her threats and to this day she battles them on everything.

You got it, just seek advise and stay calm. You’re gonna be the dad now.

Dude, im a smidgen older than you, and you seem just like me, i feel the same way, and felt the same way, i have a 2 year old now, i was like wtf, how do i do this? I was scared, and im still scared...its an unknown, having a kid.

I took it day by day, took a week off work when she had the baby so i could take care of the wife, wish i woulda took 2 weeks. She couldn't even walk downstairs! Her job was to sleep and feed the baby, my job was EVERYTHING ELSE. If you have any questions just msg me, i would be more than happy to help and answer whatever u want.

Oh, i shoulda been born in the 40s or 50s cuz of my music taste, personality and such...

Also, listen to journey, a schedule is so so so important, it makes the biggest difference!!
Feed time, nap time, bed time, play time, snack time, they thrive for it, best thing i ever did.

Oh, also forget about going out and doing anything for yourself for the first year, it didnt bother me because i didnt really do that to begin with.

1 last thing...Do not set your schedule around anyone else, it is baby and wife first. If someone wants to come see baby at nap time, you tell them no, they can come see baby when they are awake, tired baby is no fun....no fun .....

This thread brings a tear to my eye. I've always wanted to be a dad. I'm happy for ya man. Just be there for your kid and do the best you can. Let the them know that you'll always be there for them even if you have nothing in common. Encourage them to pursue hobbies and don't hold them back from becoming their own person. They don't have to be just like you or their mom. It's okay if they don't like the same things. Take em skateboarding or to theater or whatever they're interested about. You might be surprised to learn you enjoy it too, but don't be overbearing ya know? It's their life too.

a reply to: wwe9112

Wanted to add, seriously enjoy those younger years with the babies,
You’ll need those memories when they turn into teens!

Look to your father and strive to emulate what he taught you.

a reply to: wwe9112

Calm down wwe9112, the surprise is no doubt driving a lot of your feelings here but just know this...

None of us knew what we were doing..... at first (and you still learn new things, even when they're all grown up)

I know it will come to you naturally, as it does to everyone eventually. Just if I could give one little piece of advice....be tolerant, be understanding, always support them and make them feel you have their back

Passing baseball/football, going to their school events and taking them to play with there friends...that's the stuff they will remember. I have 2 daughters so for me that meant I'd be going to dance lessons, tea parties and I tell ya what I enjoyed every last solitary minute of it

Don't worry about the world, it will right (or wrong) itself..all you can do is make a real effort to be the best Dad you can be and I promise your son/daughter will NEVER forget it

I have three kids and I’m still learning things on this thread, lol. It seems like you now have purpose, my man. That is a wonderful yet intimidating thing. Give yourself a break, smile, because sometimes wonderful things come disguised as an unexpected challenge. I know, pretty generic, but when my wife told me about our third one on the way (my other two are quite a bit older) she happened to be standing under some cheesy little wall sign that said, “Always Believe Something Wonderful Will Happen.” The funny thing was she didn’t even realize it and I just pointed up, 😆
Anyway, no advice here, but the fact you said what you said and had doubts about your ability to be a good father somehow came across to me as you want to be a good one. That right there is one of the traits I would consider to be the best for being a good father.

There is no manual we all go into it dry lol ..Single fulltime dad of two kids for 5 years now their ages are now 8 and 12 kids go to moms every other weekend ... wouldn't have it any other way