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My wife's mad at me for being a dick. She's crazy.

What do you think the writing process for TLC's "No Scrubs" was like? Was it like a group effort?

I'm going to hell for this, but here we go.

I've shown enough skin to drown Moses in the red sea.

I'm sorry, Jesus.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Why are farts round?

This was particularly intriguing to me so I had to go and do some looking.
At first, I assumed that it could be the result of some internal,structural arrangement.
Reading through the RE/search Guide to bodily fluids wasn't that helpful (yes, I know it's not usually fluid but I was taking into account variables so as not to overlook possible answers).
One or two biology texts were also a little disappointing.
Diet and nutrition doesn't cover it then I stumbled across an interesting hint in and old book of folklore....

It was once believed that looking into the eyes of a murdered man would reveal the identity of his killer.
The thought being that the last image the victims eyes fell on would be retained after death and thus be used as evidence of the perpetrator of the crime.

Bear with me...

We are also familiar with the concept of hauntings and that the phantom of a murder victim would most likely have cause to hang around with the intention of making life uncomfortable for those responsible for his demise.

Now, since a fart is technically "foods ghost", let's assume that the last thing that was seen before the food was consumed (murder by being eaten alive, as it were),would have been a plate and that most plates are, generally speaking, circular, I believe we may be some way along the road to find you a satisfactory reply.

Further enquiries of a more scientific nature will have to be resolved by construction of an experiment or two but I'm confident that this is the correct course of action.

Hope that helps.

Full laboratory report will be published after appropriate review and confirmation.

Unfortunately, in the excitement of getting started, I fear I was a little hasty.
Being subject to a series of regrettable "misfires" has resulted in some small equipment breakages and the soiling of one white lab coat.

I have some replacement equipment ordered and the coat is at the laundry. A small sacrifice but the resultant delay is frustrating.

Also, there seems, apparently, to be a mysterious shortage of personal protective equipment which I am at to loss to explain but I will have to set that aside and devote my full attention to the more pressing matter at hand.

Science can be a demanding mistress but with perseverance and determination I am still confident that this is one particular nut which ,together, we will crack.

Holy Christ, its after ten pm here and I was driving to get some cigarettes on a street with a lot of trees and no street lamps. Pitch black. There was a couple pushing a damn baby in a stroller in the road. Not on the sidewalk, not on the shoulder, not wearing any lights or reflecters, but the middle of the damn traffic.

I didn't see the bastards til I was a few feet away. I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.

I've never seen that before in my life. I almost called police, but I've learned to never do that. My word, I'm shaking.

My neighbor has been mowing his sidewalk for a solid half hour. My god. I cant believe how many sticks he's hitting. That blade will need to be replaced. Now it started raining, so I thought to myself, "good it'll be cooler and our ac is still on the fritz, ans the lawn work will stop". He's now mowing sticks on cement in the rain. I told my wife it was raining and she just said "oh, good I don't have to put on pants."

I don't regret this life I've chose.

Did Garth Brooks ever admit to being Chris Gaines? If not, is it fair game to just perform under the same name and continue that legacy?

There are some legitimately amusing anecdotes in here.

When the term "door key" was brought to my attention and subsequently used as an insult, I've found it very difficult to clear from my mind.

Its the little things that give us joy, I suppose.

a reply to: sine.nomine

My father, one of the greatest circus clowns who ever lived, said to me "Son, one day you'll be an even bigger clown than me."

I've got hilariously big shoes to fill.

originally posted by: DictionaryOfExcuses
a reply to: sine.nomine

My father, one of the greatest circus clowns who ever lived, said to me "Son, one day you'll be an even bigger clown than me."

I've got hilariously big shoes to fill.

Haha, that's great.
My father is my hero despite the things he did to me. I learned recently those things aren't normal. I wish to fill nobody's shoes.

He always just told me "life's a bitch, then you die".

I refuse to believe that. Stay jovial.

I just tried to reheat a half-eaten burger and fries in my toaster oven. Literally less than 2 minutes later I see a raging fire. Like a few feet wide in each direction. So I just start shouting at my wife who was asleep "Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!" She wakes up and runs in screaming "put it out!" It's a grease fire and I don't know where that woman puts crap, so I can't find the baking soda. I check the cabinets for the fire extinguisher. Of course our landlord skimped on that crap. Got it out with dirty water luckily after a little flare up for a bit.

What the hell is up with my luck and this year?

I have a friend that took a textbook on psychology from high school. In it, they described "word salads" from schizophrenics. The example they gave I remember to this day and would like to share.

And I quote, "Sometimes it feels and smells like someone has screwed a quarter pound hamburger into my head and arms and legs, and if you shine a headlight inside it will drill you."

If I take a dump that's three and a half larger than normal, have I taken a #7?

originally posted by: DictionaryOfExcuses
If I take a dump that's three and a half larger than normal, have I taken a #7?

Imagine the horrifying looks you'd get by declaring you need to perform a number 7. That's great.

originally posted by: DictionaryOfExcuses
If I take a dump that's three and a half larger than normal, have I taken a #7?

I tried. The resulting explosion blew out the back wall of the lab so my research into flatulence shape has been seriously compromised.
I did, however, realise that not all farts are necessarily round.

It is small progress but I imagine that something along the lines of the Bristol Stool Chart may have to be calibrated for the definition of airborne gaseous weaponry.

Curiouser and curiouser.....

(also, I'm now banned from the local dry cleaners. Another setback but one that must be endured in the name of science).

I'm just gonna start making empty threats to people who get in my way, saying I'll atlatl them. Only because it's a crazy word.

We just got our youngest cat neutered. My wife said he's probably experiencing "crotch region dismorphia." I simply thought that that term sounds like a sweet band name. No wonder my bandmates always despised me...

So having a broken AC and two cats, we often go for a car ride at the hottest part of the day with our pets because AC in the car works. We fed our cats ice cream to cool them down. Little bastard went cross eyed and shut one eye for a few seconds. I've never seen a cat get brain freeze before. It was funny, but I felt bad for the little guy.