I tried to kill myself two weeks ago; I am happy I failed, but confused as to why I tried

Good morning, ATS;

As a preface to this thread, please refrain from adding to this conversation with platitudes concerning my well being. That is not the purpose of the thread, so thank you anyway.

I consider myself an average to above average human being. I’m in my second military career, now Army, and have only three years until retirement. It has been mostly fulfilling, although my last deployment was quite rough. When I got back from the great litter box in the sky, I found that I was very anxious. Thus I was encouraged to try a drug called Clonazepam, which did indeed clear up my anxiety. To be fair, it worked so well that I was able to stabilize the med and use it for three and a half years, during which time I regularly forgot to take it, experienced no side effects, and was in generally great health. Fast forward to 1 year ago, my annual physical. With new providers (I had PCS’ed) I was made to review my medical regimen. The problem that arose? The Military now saw that medicine (and most Benzodiazepines) as being addictive, and with unnatural side effects. So I was ordered to stop taking them and to see a military psychologist for a new diagnosis and meds, if needed. And my sad adventure began...

Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI) have been around for for quite a while, and for the last 40 years they have been the go to medication for depression, bipolar and anxiety. They say the minimal risk that comes with them is overshadowed by their success, whereas I will now argue that the risk overshadows the success.

The military put me on 51 medications in the last 11 months, with the final list topping out at 22 medications post surgery (hip reconstruction a few months ago), and 11 medication two weeks ago, some of which were treating side effects of those that were treating side effects of the SSRI’s. It was that Saturday night that I took my medications and held a bottle of a sleep medication in my hands, staring into it for a good thirty seconds.

Down the hatch.....

I’ve only two days ago been released from the hospital, and experience that was both sobering and depressing. My 2.5 kids, my wife, I almost lost it all. But why? Why did I swallow that bottle? Was it the chronic pain? Was it the work stress? Or how about the pressures related to the upcoming baby?

The scariest part is that I never wanted to, intended to, or felt like I had to take those pills. It just happened.

So now what? Let’s address two things- the over-medication, and the end result of the attempt.

Suicide is a scary subject- my risk factors make it the most likely form of death for me over the next decade. And although preventable, what can I do if those whom I trust with my care don’t bother to accurately track what is happening to me?
And now that I am a suicide risk? I guess no guns for me. At least that’s what I see being posted on this site... all because some guy who outranks me pushes pills down my throat. I will lose my security clearance, and beg for a chance to have a job with any meaning... all because meds were forced on me...

So what are we supposed to do? Is this a plan to pacify those veterans that are a risk to the government?

I’m glad I failed, but I am worried about the reason I tried in the first place.

First of all, stop eating this much medicine. It cannot be good for you. 51 different medications in the last year? I'm surprised that anyone on that amount of medications could survive it, and if they could, I can understand why they'd just down a whole bottle of sleeping pills outta nowhere without even really thinking it through.

You are under a lot of pressure and stress right now.

What you really need is to relax, thank God for saving you, and focus on your family.
This can be your saving Grace.

I made some terrible mistakes in the past and I really want you to hear me when I say this :
Focus on God and your family. They need you, and you need them.
This is the most important thing.
If you do this you will never regret it.

a reply to: ThouArtGod

first off, I'm glad you are still around to tell this story.
Second, please look into a group called "products for good". They sell coins and stuff to help veterans. But recently, they came up with a process to deal with PTSD, that apparently really works. They are trying to get in with the VA, but it's a slow process. If they can help you, they will. Try talking to a guy named "Lane".

Good luck, and God bless. I hope you find what you need. And thanks for your service. really.

a reply to: ThouArtGod

Well you are not God and neither am I. I say this due to your ATS name.

You have some sort of faith otherwise why the ATS name?

Sounds like PTS'd

Retire from the military, buy a place of the lake and fish until you get very old and die from old age.

Do NOT let this world intimidate you or confuse you. Stay focused brother.

a reply to: ThouArtGod

I'm not in the military, so I'm unsure how your attempted suicide will affect your career, but I think that your kids and wife are just happy that your still around.

I also would think that this incident shouldn't prevent you from gaining meaningful employment, since I believe the military has to follow privacy guidelines set down by HIPAA and the Privacy Act.

I experienced a similar situation when I weaned myself off Paxil, after being on it for nearly 15 years. I developed severe insomnia, moodiness, rage and depression. My self loathing occurred daily for at least 2 solid months, before it finally subsided. I, too, thought about suicide, but thankfully, I never actually attempted it.

These medications are horrible, because they alter your brain chemistry and can cause some people to think and act irrationally.

I think it would be wise for you to seek counseling from the Military/Veterans Crisis Line, or another agency, that can help you manage your pain and withdrawal symptoms from all the medications that you've been on.

Don't give up hope. Focus on your love for your family and close friends. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I wish you all the best and I thank you for your service to our country.

a reply to: ThouArtGod

I don't trust most doctors much, but I trust the military and their doctors even below normal ones.

I think people are being drugged to the max.
How can anyone think clearly when on so many medications?

I think you answered your own question, you did not even know why you were put on them in the first place.

They have medication for everything now, oh my toe itches - medication, my mouth waters when I see yummy food- medication, etc. you get the point.

Anxiety is an emotion and reaction. If you break it down, anxiety is worry. Some humans worry more than others. That's ok.
I was like that and I have found with time a lot of it has gone away.
Humans are suppose to have these feelings. I read an article on people getting Botox, and it is preventing them from smiling/frowning and they think that actually prevents them from feeling the real emotion. I don't think we have quite discovered how much we need these emotions as a survival enhancer.

I'm also not saying someone shouldn't be medicated if they truly need help, but the problem is when you are overdosed, over medicated and jerked around from pill to pill.

I have no advice, or qualified, regarding your medical and even your attempt to pull a fast one on your life, however, I will say that the post results experienced has enlightened you and now you appreciate your life and life much more, that is the quintessential coul de gras here.

Life will determine when and where for you, in the meantime, keep on trucking and god speed.

a reply to: ThouArtGod

Maybe when the Pharmaceutical companies talk about efficacy of relieving symptoms this is the plan!

a reply to: ThouArtGod

The scariest part is that I never wanted to, intended to, or felt like I had to take those pills. It just happened.

Can you clarify this event, this moment that "it just happened." Was it like an intrusive thought gone awry?

Good to hear you're still with us.
Your family and friends need you.

TY for sharing your experience.

a reply to: new_here

I think I must answer these in reverse, so I’ll start here; I had just taken my meds for the night (all 11 of them), and was holding a bottle of Zyprexa. Probably 30 pills in here, I thought to myself. Hmmmmm... I thought to myself.

And gone.

Went to bed, and then woke up the next morning having had vomited all over myself, with the worst headache imaginable. I went to the ER, got balanced, then was admitted to 7W at Walter Reed.

Does that clarify? (Not being flip, it’s a genuine question)

Thank you for the response.

a reply to: dfnj2015

Sadly, I wonder if that isn’t the truth. In reality, I think that military doctors might be so overwhelmed at this point that they just offer prescriptions as a “check the box”.

a reply to: Arnie123

Very true- now, of course, I am dealing with quite a bit of fallout, and my command has crawled deep into my anal cavity. The truth is, I can’t express how happy I am that I failed- yet I have spent the last few weeks worried about my sisters and brothers in arms.

originally posted by: JAGStorm
a reply to: ThouArtGod

Anxiety is an emotion and reaction. If you break it down, anxiety is worry. Some humans worry more than others. That's ok.

I couldn’t agree more. I just felt as though I had no choice about the meds (I was made to feel as though I had to take them or would get a med board) and that it was me that was the problem. I think that we are bred in the military to think that healthy emotive responses are actually unhealthy. It’s annoying.

a reply to: shawmanfromny

One, I appreciate you sharing. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. Second, I am only worried about future employment because it will most likely be in the government sector (there isn’t a whole lot of work for EDM in the private sector), which is a worry for me. But I can’t change it now, anyway...

originally posted by: new_here
a reply to: ThouArtGod

The scariest part is that I never wanted to, intended to, or felt like I had to take those pills. It just happened.

Can you clarify this event, this moment that "it just happened." Was it like an intrusive thought gone awry?

It seems like a lot of these meds turn intrusive thoughts into action.

From people I have spoken to about it, many of us can have some strange thoughts. Like, if we were driving down a two lane road and ponder briefly about turning that wheel into oncoming traffic. Most follow that thought with "but thats stupid, so..." or "where the hell did that come from?"

From the friends & family I have spoken with (and it seems the OP here too), these meds kinda remove the barrier to action. One of my best friends told me about how he literally had to fight against driving into that oncoming traffic, because "despite knowing how freaking dumb that is, it seemed like the thing to do."

He stopped the medication that day. But, this type of behavior seems to be a real issue with medications that are being handed out like candy.

Factor in incredibly advanced propaganda, social media messing with our already compromised sense of scale, the ironic isolation of urban living, etc. and its a pretty ugly recipe.

a reply to: ThouArtGod

Cannabis

originally posted by: DeathSlayer
a reply to: ThouArtGod

Well you are not God and neither am I. I say this due to your ATS name.

You have some sort of faith otherwise why the ATS name?

Hi there- yes, I have a deep faith that is rooted in my choice of religion, and you are right to encourage me to look there for strength. The people from my church have been amazing, and didn’t bat an eye when I came to teach my usual Sunday school yesterday (well, sat in because the sub already had a lesson planned)
But as for the name- it comes from the book “Stranger in a Strange Land”- if you ever read it you will see why I chose the moniker.
Thanks again for your words.

originally posted by: wheresthebody
a reply to: ThouArtGod

Cannabis

Military.

I believe that on the sub-conscience level you wanted to take those pills.
I also believe that suicide should be optional. It shouldn't be nearly as frowned upon as it is.

Our leaders and politicians just don't want to admit that life is... well, just okay, for the most part.
It's futile.

The only way I have found solace is to understand that I have been given a glimpse, a glimpse into the physical world.
An infinitely thin sliver of time, at least to my comprehension, to observe.

I can partake from time to time, but it's safer to just observe.
We're all human, awaking to the fact that life as a human can be mundane, repetitive - years go by so fast as an adult due to all the adulting.

You need to take a step back. O yes, you also need to detox.
Could very much be that all of the above mentioned is nonsense and the pills made you do it.
Either way, get clean.