Dinner With A Wife Abuser

originally posted by: DrumsRfun
a reply to: JAGStorm

Why play games??
Finding entertainment from someone else's misery, is just as douchy as punching someone...especially if they aren't aware.

It's not games. Peer pressure can also work in the reverse, for good.
Back in the day, men could call other men out for ill behavior. I guess now people just rather ignore it or mind their own business and pretend nothing happened. We know how well "ghosting" works these days.

If you think making an abuser uncomfortable is the same as punching a woman in the mouth, that is just sad.
This is the exact reason bullies are so prevalent today, nobody is allowed to call them out..

a reply to: Fallingdown

Your a pretty smart cat. I like your advice and will try to remember it if an opportunity should arises. I don’t interact with law enforcement much and hadn’t thought about the embarrassment of arrest. Most guys would rather crawl under a rock than go back to work after a domestic violence arrest.

a reply to: Nickn3

There was one thing I forgot to add on that post. After all was said and done I would try to crack a joke to put him a little ease and make him feel like I’m more of a friend.

I’ve owned a few roughish bars including a biker bar. I’ve got a good idea on how these guys think .

Suck it up and keep spending time with them. You're effectively cutting off an abused person's lifeline (your wife) from them. That's pretty f#ing cold, and speaks more to your character than anyone's.

Is the guy normally abusive, or is this a situation where he was so drunk he was abusive?
Is he a big drinker?
Alcohol turns people into brainless, animalistic heathens.
No one is exempt from this behavior.
People like to say they are nice or mean drunks. Everyone is stupid when they over drink.
People who always over drink are a ticking timebomb.
Bars are chock full of idiots and fights always hapoen. I don't go to bars anymore.

You've got to decide what kinda guy this is. Too aggressive all the time? Too aggressive only when drunk and likes to get drunk? One time situation where he got too drunk and smart enough to recognize and change?

Alcohol is garbage. People who drink too much should not be around you, they are/will be a physical, financial, mental, legal threat at some point.

I'd address his drinking with serious concern and see what he says, if you still want him in your circle.
If he blows it off, don't talk to him anymore and write them both off.

There's plenty of friends out there, don't stick with unstable one's. He could go psycho and kill all you guys in the right situation, if he is unwilling to stop getting drunk.

Added....talk to the girl and see if it's a pattern. She is the one who really needs to do this for her safety.
Does he have a pattern of getting drunk? A pattern of abuse?

She needs to break the pattern, or leave the guy.

originally posted by: Fallingdown


But don’t do any of the above if you’re afraid he will retaliate on your wife’s friend because she told someone.

THIS would be a concern.

originally posted by: IAMTAT

originally posted by: Fallingdown


But don’t do any of the above if you’re afraid he will retaliate on your wife’s friend because she told someone.

THIS would be a concern.

If it's really a concern of yours, avoidance is a dead giveaway that you know. Do you really think he's not going to put two and two together and figure out she spilled the beans? Abusers are keen to changes in how people interact with them, not retarded. Keep up appearances and don't tip your hand, at all. She's still got a lifeline that way, and he's none the wiser.

a reply to: Mandroid7


BOTH appear to be heavy drinkers...and both can become antagonistic with each other in public while drinking.
It is drama I don't personally relish being a spectator to.
The wife said it's happened before...he knocked her down.
She also said he was abusive to his previous wife.
How she knows this, I don't know.

They are casual dinner companions...although my wife is closer to her, than I was to either of them.

a reply to: IAMTAT

When I was a little girl, we are talking 4 or 5 years old, we lived in military housing.
It was a duplex.

The house next to us was a mom/dad and their son. The dad would beat the crap out of the wife and we would hear it through the walls. I to this day can still hear her scream and his slaps/punches through those thin walls.
She was a tiny little lady and a wonderful person. Their son was amazing too. I have a fond memory of their son as he saved me for a big injury one time.
We soon got transferred to another area.

Fast forward 12 years. We lived in another military neighborhood. Guess who lived down the street. Yes that family, still together.

But wait, it gets better.

The husband was a paratrooper and one day his parachute did not open. By the grace of GOD, he did not die. Instead he had to suffer the pain of breaking every bone in his back. I was only 16 but I knew he deserved the pain. Maybe Karma, maybe God, I don't know. His wife was stronger, their son still amazing. Somehow she still loved him, and maybe the husband saw the light, figuratively and literally.

Call me a monster or a miserable person, but it still makes me smile thinking about him hitting the ground.

originally posted by: Nyiah
Suck it up and keep spending time with them. You're effectively cutting off an abused person's lifeline (your wife) from them. That's pretty f#ing cold, and speaks more to your character than anyone's.

How did I cut off the woman's lifeline to my wife?

They still talk and text regularly.

I even told my wife to tell her she could stay at our home, if she wanted to escape the situation.

originally posted by: IAMTAT

originally posted by: Fallingdown


But don’t do any of the above if you’re afraid he will retaliate on your wife’s friend because she told someone.

THIS would be a concern.

He is already hitting her. And he thinks nobody knows.

The truth is.... being silent makes you feel better. It makes you feel uncomfortable to confront the guy. So... You are sacrificing your humanity for an imaginary comfort, at the expense of this other lady.

You do not ignore the dangers around you to make them feel more comfortable.

a reply to: IAMTAT

Did you even get his side of the story?

originally posted by: TheGreatWork
a reply to: IAMTAT

Did you even get his side of the story?

Nope.
Just what his wife says.


…, of course, there's the photo of her with the fat lip.

a reply to: JAGStorm

reading that story makes me wonder did someone pack the chute for him or tie a knot with more than 4 lbs of breaking strain , either way he got his just deserts

I agree with you completely. I would not want them as friends and your wife should realize in the future this will bring problems to you both. The Woman shared this with your Wife while angry but didn't want to do anything about it. I have seen this so many times and it ends with the same mess.
The guys wife is enabling his abuse and if People drink enough to see the drink as an excuse for beatings again, you don't want your Family involved in this mess and no one can help. it is like trying to stop drug abusers while you are just an acquaintance, you can't do it but you sure can mess up your lives trying.
He could even kill her someday it happens with drunk abusers.

a reply to: IAMTAT

He has a history of beating women.

That should be the end of the story. He's a weak small man.

Offer shelter to the woman, ultimately it's her choice to go or stay.

originally posted by: Nyiah
Suck it up and keep spending time with them. You're effectively cutting off an abused person's lifeline (your wife) from them. That's pretty f#ing cold, and speaks more to your character than anyone's.

His wife is an enabler and they will help her to continue as is. When will she say enough as the first wife did? When she is not being helped to stay in the situation. he is not saying don't be there if she needs help you realize? he is saying we don't act as though this is nothing and socialize with the guy.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
a reply to: IAMTAT

He has a history of beating women.

That should be the end of the story. He's a weak small man.

Offer shelter to the woman, ultimately it's her choice to go or stay.

THIS is why, before any decision,...I ask myself: "What Would DB Do?" (WWDBD).

a reply to: IAMTAT

Oh good lord that is a frightening thought!

a reply to: IAMTAT

look up women's shelters in your area.
look up crisis hotlines for your area.
look up therapists who specialize in domestic issues.

give the information to the wife.

then keep your distance until they get their lives in order.

most people who are in a violent relationship seek those relationships out. it's rare someone gets up and leaves something like this.

keep this awfulness out of your home.

just my 2cents.