Dinner With A Wife Abuser

So HERE is the story...

A couple of weekends ago, my wife got a text and photo from a friend of ours.
She and her husband are a couple we occasionally go out with to have dinner.


This text from her said she and her husband were out to dinner...and got into an argument.

They had both been drinking and when they got home, she said they were still arguing, still drinking...and he allegedly punched her in the mouth.

She said he was really drunk...and this happened before...and that he even abused his previous wife.


She enclosed a photo of her with a big fat lip.


I told my wife to tell her to call the police to report it.
She told my wife to keep the text and photo in case she decides to divorce him.


The next day, the woman said she let him sleep it off...she didn't report it.
She said they talked and plan on getting counciling.

A couple of days ago, she texted my wife and asked if we'd like to go out to dinner with them.

My wife wanted to...but I said "NO WAY!"...and that knowing this guy hits his wife...makes me NOT want to sit across the table from him/them, having a nice time and acting like nothing ever happened.


My wife is upset, because she still wants to see them socially.

I'm refusing...but said she can join them if she wants.

She says it wouldn't be the same...and thinks I shouldn't stop seeing them because he allegedly hit her...and she won't report him...and that maybe it didn't happen exactly as his wife said.
I responded, that if SHE lied...I wouldn't want to have dinner with her either.

Thoughts, please.

a reply to: IAMTAT

I completely get it. Why would anyone want to sit down for dinner and act like everything is hunky dory or that someone in the midst isn't a POS.

The issue here is not your inflexible stance with regards to this other couple. It's an issue between you and your spouse. You have effectively given her an ultimatum that affects her. And it affects your relationship. To hell with the other couple. This is between you and your wife. Perhaps it is you two who need counseling.

a reply to: IAMTAT

Yeah. I could see passing altogether on that. Way too much dysfunction to willingly invite that into my life.

But on the other hand, it really sucks for your wife's friend. If she's being battered, pulling away keeps her pretty isolated.

Tough call.

a reply to: schuyler


Strange take.
So because I don't want to go out with a wife abuser, I need counseling.


Glad I'm not living in YOUR world.

I would have gone out with them and pulled the mickey out of him the whole time till he snapped we have a lager in the uk that the locals name beat the missus , it is called Stella fun illy enough .

you should have ribbed him till he snapped then beat the heck out of him and you would never have seen him again

Think of the jokes you could have told at the table , woman turns to husband in the morning after a night of drinking and says , You gave me that warm and tingling feeling up my back last night darling -- You pissed the bed again you drunk xxxx

You could have been a hero dude or just put laxatives in his grub either way he is not walking out of there

originally posted by: IAMTAT
a reply to: schuyler


Strange take.
So because I don't want to go out with a wife abuser, I need counseling.


Glad I'm not living in YOUR world.

Good Lord. You ASKED for thoughts. I gave you mine. Have the decency to not argue. I'm not here to be your co-dependent and affirm what you wrote. If that's what you want, say that you will only accept thoughts that agree with yours or they will be rejected. Think about it. You just created a serious problem between yourself and your spouse. Good luck, but as I see it, you deserve it.

originally posted by: loam
a reply to: IAMTAT

Yeah. I could see passing altogether on that. Way too much dysfunction to willingly invite that into my life.

But on the other hand, it really sucks for your wife's friend. If she's being battered, pulling away keeps her pretty isolated.

Tough call.

The night it allegedly occurred we told her she could come to stay with us.
My wife is free to continue her friendship with the woman...even with her husband.

I don't mind spending time with the woman either...as long as she's being truthful about what he does.

a reply to: schuyler

I would never force my wife to associate with someone she doesn't like.

Seems your view is inconsistent.

a reply to: IAMTAT

You should have dinner with them, and make a bunch of women bashing jokes to see how he reacts.

Or stick to your original plan, because that sounds like the best way to handle it.

a reply to: IAMTAT

I assumed as much about you.

Maybe your wife can find other ways to support her friend without involving the woman's husband.

Personally, I think when one spouse reasonably refuses to associate with someone their other spouse likes, then the socializing as a couple thing is off the table. I'm much more concerned about my relationship with my spouse than any 'friends' I might have or lose.

But obviously everyone is different.

originally posted by: IAMTAT
a reply to: schuyler


Strange take.
So because I don't want to go out with a wife abuser, I need counseling.


Glad I'm not living in YOUR world.

You ARE living in his world. Go back and 'think' about every carefully constructed sentence in his reply. Looked like _very_ sound advice to me. Of course, I'd never suggest to anyone that they stop what they're doing and seek counseling. We all know right from wrong and we all know how to do the right thing.

I didn't come away from Schuyler's post thinking he was 'judging' you.

a reply to: IAMTAT

Nope.

Run from this drama as fast as you can.

My life is simple.

I hate everyone and refuse any social offers.

My wife can hate who she pleases.

a reply to: schuyler

I don't think anyone has to go to counseling because they don't want to chum around with someone who is morally bankrupt.

I didn't read it as him giving his wife and ultimate, he said if she wants to go, fine, but he doesn't want to.

That's fair.

We had a similar situation with a friend becoming an adulterer. I understand the deep disgust you're likely feeling, and I wonder if your wife does. I am guessing she's sympathizing with your friend without considering how you feel as the person on the household analogous to the man in her friends' household. Does she understand how awkward your position would be in that situation?

a reply to: IAMTAT

Stand your ground...arrange an afternoon with her and you hanging out with someone she detests and is disgusted by.

After she does that....THEN you agree to go out for dinner and be across the table from someone that disgusts you.

Whats good for the goose, is good for the gander.

Just go out to dinner to keep the peace with the wife.
Be distant and be clever in the way you make them both feel uncomfortable.
No more dinner date invites.

I would go out to the dinner. Then when the opportunity to be alone presented it’s self. Ask him what happened. Don’t be aggressive appear concerned but show a little contempt . If you get him to tell you what he did it’s a dose of humility for the guy.

Being humbled can go along way in learning a lesson .

But don’t do any of the above if you’re afraid he will retaliate on your wife’s friend because she told someone.


It doesn’t sound like she wants to leave him. So you can’t sit back and do nothing . At least you would making an effort to defuse the situation . Which is better than sitting on your hands .

a reply to: Fallingdown

You must like playing with explosive devices while blindfolded.