You Can’t Feel Like A Girl: An Essay By Jamie Shupe

This is from November 2018, but it may be the single most powerful piece I've read yet from a detransitioner:

You Can’t Feel Like A Girl: An Essay By Jamie Shupe

The author was born a man, transitioned to female (with cross-sex hormone therapy), and then de-transitioned to non-binary. And he has a purpose:

As the first person in the United States to have their sex legally declared as non-binary by an Oregon court last year, I’ve had a lot of media coverage for that accomplishment. But what’s been mostly missing from that coverage has been the potential implications that my court ruling can have on the future of transgender children. I had high hopes that I would be able to use the platform that my court victory has brought me to effect real change for these kids. That’s what they need, societal change. They don’t need surgical procedures. They don’t need cross-sex hormones. And they certainly don’t need to be sterilized because of their gender nonconformities. These trans and gender non-conforming kids most need to be able to safely and successfully express their gender and uniqueness. That’s what I needed as a child and what I still need as a 55-year-old adult.

My ultimate hope is that because of what I’ve done to the gender binary and how we see it in the future, this massive shift in thinking that I’ve helped to unleash will put the unsavory people that have been cutting on or sterilizing these children out of business. If we properly enact social change, the need for their medicalized services will all but cease to exist. In reality, however, these charlatans deserve to be fired at best and jailed at worst. Security literally needs to show up with a box, watch as they empty out their desks, and escort them out of the buildings that are our major medical centers here in America.

The author speaks to the need to change society, to allow men to be "feminine" if/how they so choose and to allow women to be "masculine" if/how they so choose. He talks about the many many interviews he's given, clearly expressing his concerns and the serious medical risks and adverse outcomes for transgender persons, only for it to never see print:

By the time these articles make it into print, the views that I have expressed for a better, different, and less medicalized future for these youth are all conspicuously absent. I want my narrative corrected. I want my views heard.

After all of these repeated incidents of basically being silenced, I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been no-platformed from speaking on the subject of transgender kids.

(ETA: Well darn! Lost a big chunk of my OP when it posted...)

(continued in next post)

(continued)

As his knowledge (and horror) grew at what was being done to people, so too did his website, and the ire of the Trans Activists:

I had come to believe from the website data that trans people really were killing themselves because they couldn’t handle the pressures of trying to maintain the hyperfeminine appearance that being a successful trans woman required. My Wiki site was becoming an Internet graveyard for these dead trans people. I think a lot of trans community members were also starting to realize that I was intentionally making it one. When the new domain extensions were released, I bought up the extensions like .wiki and .news for the word transgender, and I was putting those extensions to work. The site was also becoming fairly highly trafficked, and I was literally piling the grave dirt up in the proverbial front yard.

On the website, I had the desisters that didn’t exist. I had failed sex changes. I had surgical complications with neo-vaginas that had Brillo pad-like furballs growing inside of them. I had maimed trans women now wearing colostomy bags because of botched genital surgeries. I had suicides from people who couldn’t cut it being a woman because it was too exhausting trying to remain hyperfeminine 24/7. I had Jazz’s “dead name” which was easy to find but in bad taste to publish. I had thirteen families that were all claiming their trans kid was saying “God made a mistake,” when in reality it probably came from this book. I had a mother telling a school Jazz’s penis fairy story and claiming her kid said it too so that her trans kid could get into a bathroom they didn’t belong in.

At some point the Trans Activists caught on and he became the target for their bullying and abuse:

By the time I had surpassed and cataloged over 4,000 trans people on the website, plenty of members of the trans community were openly attacking me through email and social media.

Eventually, the harassment reached a crescendo where it was so annoying that I created a page on the Wiki site called “Hate Mail” and started posting screenshots of the bullying I was getting from Twitter and Facebook. Which turned out to be a colossal mistake because trans activist Lola Phoenix filed a Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) complaint against one of the screenshot images that exposed her harassing me on the internal Twitter message system....
During the website suspension period, I just went ahead and nuked the entire wiki website. I knew trans activists could potentially file more DMCA complaints against it, so I figured the best strategy was to remove all images and everything quoted from the news articles and to rebuild it with just links and the data categories.

The entire essay is a very long read, but well worth it for the wealth of information and understanding it provides -- information and understanding that Trans Activists are working double-time to keep hidden from the public and their victims...

This is the truth that Trans Activism does not want us to know. It's not just horrible "transphobes" that are screaming from the rooftops. It's transsexuals and former transgender persons and people of all walks of life. People who know from personal experience. People who know that it's cruel, inhumane, and it has to stop.

a reply to: Boadicea

I remember I used to wear dresses in Kindergarten and that was fine w/Mrs. Gonzalez, Me and another male, She didn't seem to mind nor did any of the other students. I remember playing with the HUGE building blocks while pulling up My dress...

"But He throws like a girl..."

Stay Hydrated...

* Check Your PM box as I've routed You a 'thinker' video..

***SPOILER ALERT***

Sadly Diogenes never moves

Personally I'm glad I never did get surgery or on hormones. I've spent much of my life feeling transgender but have found a balance and am living quite happily as a man with my girlfriend now.

I still tend towards playing girls in rpgs and tabletop and still have many feminine traits and desires. But have discovered I have many masculine ones as well. I don't fit into a proper male stereotype but that's ok, and if my more feminine traits come out, that's ok too.

If I had gotten treatments I'd be in a weird screwed up place instead of happy and healthy like I am now.

Am kind of nervous posting this on here because many on here know me as transgender but I'm not sure that's actually accurate. Not sure how to define myself at this point but uncompromizingly and unapologetically me. No more boxes for me.

Some of what didn't make it into the OP includes the echo chambers on social media where people "validate" each others "authentic" self:

I’m guilty of hanging out in the same places that these transgender kids do, sites such as YouTube and Reddit. And I did so because like-minded people there affirmed me and my beliefs about myself. I thought I was a female and everyone else in the support groups I attended agreed. We were telling each other what we wanted to hear and silencing or attacking anyone who disagreed with us.

The author also speaks to the emotional blackmail used against parents to coerce them into giving consent for gender affirming treatment -- like puberty blockers -- that may/will permanently scar their children for life:

“She said that the therapist also gave strikingly blunt advice. “She said, ‘Your daughter already knows who she is. Now you have to decide. Do you want a happy little girl or a dead little boy?”

No pressure there, eh?
The author goes into some detail about negative side effects and adverse outcomes, which you can read in the link. This sums it up pretty well though:

Some of the gory details are just flat-out tough to read. I want to cry too.

He also notes that many gender affirming healthcare providers are in fact transgender themselves, creating a self-fulfilling vacuum of diagnosis and treatment.

originally posted by: Puppylove
Personally I'm glad I never did get surgery or on hormones. I've spent much of my life feeling transgender but have found a balance and am living quite happily as a man with my girlfriend now.

I'm very glad for you too!!! Congrats on finding your balance. I'm thinking more and more that's what we all need. Too bad you couldn't bottle it and sell it and heal the whole world!!!

Am kind of nervous posting this on here because many on here know me as transgender but I'm not sure that's actually accurate. Not sure how to define myself at this point but uncompromizingly and unapologetically me. No more boxes for me.

I understand why you would be nervous, and I hate that you've been put in this position. I hate all the boxes and labels that society applies to all of us.

Just do you and be your own awesome self. Screw the damn labels.

originally posted by: JimNasium
a reply to: Boadicea

I remember I used to wear dresses in Kindergarten and that was fine w/Mrs. Gonzalez, Me and another male, She didn't seem to mind nor did any of the other students. I remember playing with the HUGE building blocks while pulling up My dress...

"But He throws like a girl..."

That's so funny because I remember absolutely hating that I had to wear dresses at school until the 4th grade and it just wasn't practical!!! So I was the one wearing shorts underneath my skirts so I could play on the jungle gym and all that good stuff...

* Check Your PM box as I've routed You a 'thinker' video..

***SPOILER ALERT***

Sadly Diogenes never moves

Thanks -- I'll check it out. I always appreciate what you send my way

a reply to: Boadicea

That was me too, the tomboy with shorts under skirts, until girls were allowed to wear pants to school....I still don’t know, at 60 years old, how to “feel like a woman”. I just feel like a person.

I just am a woman, but all the frills that seems to come with the idea of femininity, the makeup, fancy nails - it’s just not worth the bother anymore.

I had suicides from people who couldn’t cut it being a woman because it was too exhausting trying to remain hyperfeminine 24/7.

At least when you’re born a woman, you’re not trying to prove that you’re a woman...
That would be exhausting. Especially when makeup tends to make a person look worse, when you’re older.......

a reply to: Boadicea

I've kind of put myself in that box in here. Been calling myself transgender before joining this site. I've stopped applying it to myself only a year maybe two now.

There was a very hopeless feeling I'd associate with it now. A feeling of an unattainable goal that can never be truly acquired. It made sense at the time, it explained some things that didn't fit, but I see now that even if I transitioned it likewise still wouldn't fit and would add extra stress to maintain.

Now I've stopped trying to find a way to make my oddities fit into societies mold and am happy in my own skin.

originally posted by: snowspirit
a reply to: Boadicea

That was me too, the tomboy with shorts under skirts, until girls were allowed to wear pants to school....I still don’t know, at 60 years old, how to “feel like a woman”. I just feel like a person.

I just am a woman, but all the frills that seems to come with the idea of femininity, the makeup, fancy nails - it’s just not worth the bother anymore.

I'm right there with you! I'm not the most "feminine" of women. I don't dress up, wear makeup, jewelry, etc. It's just not practical for much of what I do, and not worth the trouble. Perfume is probably my one girly thing, but it has more to do with me liking all things that smell good than anything feminine. I do candles, incense, air fresheners... it's all about the scents.

At least when you’re born a woman, you’re not trying to prove that you’re a woman...
That would be exhausting. Especially when makeup tends to make a person look worse, when you’re older.......

Right??? I have often wondered how women don't get tired of it all. Sure it's fun to gussy up every once in a while, but as a rule... too exhausting. And takes away time and energy for more fun and interesting things. But then we don't have to look at ourselves, eh?

originally posted by: Puppylove
a reply to: Boadicea

I've kind of put myself in that box in here. Been calling myself transgender before joining this site. I've stopped applying it to myself only a year maybe two now.

There was a very hopeless feeling I'd associate with it now. A feeling of an unattainable goal that can never be truly acquired. It made sense at the time, it explained some things that didn't fit, but I see now that even if I transitioned it likewise still wouldn't fit and would add extra stress to maintain.

Now I've stopped trying to find a way to make my oddities fit into societies mold and am happy in my own skin.

I love that. That's exactly what I would like for everyone.

I think -- I hope -- that folks like you and the author in the OP are the ones who will lead us to a better way. As ugly as the whole Trans Activism movement has gotten, I do believe that it may be necessary in the sense that we have to go through all of this to see what we shouldn't be doing, which will then lead us to what we should be doing.

I don't want to minimize or ignore the very real feelings that many people are suffering, but I don't want to set them up for failure and further misery either. I want people to accept and love themselves for themselves, and just be their best for their own sake. Not for anyone else. Just for their own awesome selves.

I will be honest. None of this makes any sense to me, but thank you for sharing it with us. I suppose you have to be in the situation to have an understanding of what the whole gender bender thing is about. It is hard for me to “get it”.

a reply to: Metallicus

I will be honest. None of this makes any sense to me, but thank you for sharing it with us. I suppose you have to be in the situation to have an understanding of what the whole gender bender thing is about. It is hard for me to “get it”.

I may just be a simpleton, but I think what it is saying is that it is ok for boy to act feminine if they want to and girls masculine... but do not feed them hormones and sex change operations....

I would guess somewhere in the links in the OPs it probably mentions a boy can be feminine, but still has to use the boys bathroom...

At least that is what i got from it...

originally posted by: Metallicus
I will be honest. None of this makes any sense to me, but thank you for sharing it with us. I suppose you have to be in the situation to have an understanding of what the whole gender bender thing is about. It is hard for me to “get it”.

That's because it doesn't make sense. Not on the most basic levels, and certainly not at the pretzel-twisting level it's reached. None of it.

I watched a video of the meeting the Heritage Foundation held for liberal women -- yes, liberal! -- to express their many concerns about the Equality Act that Pelosi has promised to pass this session of congress, and its provisions for self-ID and redefining "woman" to force men into single-sex spaces. Also several testimonials (horror stories) from parents of kids suddenly identifying as transgender, and the gender affirmation pushed on kids.

Anyway, now that I've made a short story long, during the Q&A period, a person in the audience noted how hard it is to make sense of any of it, and the panel agreed that it just doesn't make any sense!

It's worth a watch, but long -- a little more than an hour:

I was playing with boys everytime, I did treehouse and fighting and broken fingernails. But I am a girl. Why can I not do things that boys want because I am a girl.

I like woman and man the same, I donot tell everybody who donot want to hear. It is okay on internet here in topic but it is private. Others donot want to hear it, why nerve them with it?

It is private. I donot like people who flash me with very private things. I donot care what you love, it is your deciding. Why tell? I did tell for you in this topic but why nerve other people on a normal day.

a reply to: Puppylove

That's because you're you and not a box. People want everything and everyone to fit into a neat box, but most of us just don't because we are unique individuals.

You have to learn to be who you are and not who you think everyone else expects you to be, and you have to learn to be strong enough to not be afraid to be that person.

And that's hard, very hard.

a reply to: tinner07

a reply to: ketsuko

Yeah, once I stopped caring about others opinions and trying to make myself fit, I started taking real control of my life and things have been falling into place. I also find I tend to fit in just fine almost wherever I go. The don't give a # confidence seems to actually cause acceptance. Is strange but I've become the cool one of my circle.

originally posted by: Oleandra88
I was playing with boys everytime, I did treehouse and fighting and broken fingernails. But I am a girl. Why can I not do things that boys want because I am a girl.

Me too. And basketball! I loved climbing trees... as a girl I made it my mission to climb every tree to the very tippy top at the neighborhood park -- and loved every minute. I grew up with a few brothers in a neighborhood full of boys and no girls. In hindsight, my little sister and I were tomboys. We just thought we were playing.

It went both ways too. Sometimes we played "House" in the yard, and used small rocks to designate walls and rooms, and grabbed all my mom's towels and blankets and pillows to make furniture and stuff -- much to her ire of course! And the boys played with us. I would think they just thought they were playing too.

I like woman and man the same, I donot tell everybody who donot want to hear. It is okay on internet here in topic but it is private. Others donot want to hear it, why nerve them with it?

It is private. I donot like people who flash me with very private things. I donot care what you love, it is your deciding. Why tell? I did tell for you in this topic but why nerve other people on a normal day.

Very good point -- thank you for making it.

The discussion is worthy because of the social and legislative/legal ramifications for all of us. But for many -- perhaps most? -- of us, these are private matters, not subject to anyone's consent or approval, and best kept private. We don't talk about it, and we don't want or expect to hear about it.

a reply to: Puppylove



From the sounds of it, you've got it figured out. Which is more than most can say, even those of us who don't have those sorts of questions about identity.

More power to you.