Broken Heart Rant

a reply to: opethPA

it didnt feel so when you insisted my days ought to suck after him.

there is a muslim thing, it says when you break a heart it is like you destroyed whole of kaba. do you remember those memes with kaba saying nuke it? it is funny isnt it?

a reply to: Fehrie

Dear Fehrie,


Please take this advice coming from someone that has been there before. Someone that really loves you would not intentionally hurt you. If it were the first time i'd give him a pass, maybe even a second. Now he obviously cares about himself more than you. He is intentionally hurting you. I think you already know deep down inside what the answer it. It doesn't matter what people post on here, your own voice is telling you.

You are worthy of happiness, remember that.

originally posted by: KansasGirl

originally posted by: Damla
a reply to: KansasGirl

I agree with you against gort51

dont try playing the strong woman ready to face it all. he ll break you. In unimaginable ways. the more you insist you can get through it together the more unreal and irrational it will get.

Exactly.

He's already shown his cards, by doing this before. More than once. HE WONT CHANGE. Not really. He might act for a while, but he will do this again.

Hopefully the OP will get the hell out of there. And after a while, she will be with someone so much better. Right about that time is when this guy will be doing the same thing to some other girl.

This hurts my heart to read but perhaps you're right. I am unsure how to approach this... I have never loved someone as much as I love him. Not even close. I probably will never again.

Today he was telling me that he is mine forever and I am his forever. My anxiety has thoughts racing through my head. I am finding myself to be so hurt that I am seeking for constant reassurance "Are you sure we are going to be okay and get through this? I don't want to heal my heart just to feel this way again" but he keeps saying we are fine and he was "just being a dipsh*t"

He has to know the ways he's hurt me. I am not even sure he truly cares...

originally posted by: KansasGirl

originally posted by: Fehrie

originally posted by: Justso
a reply to: Fehrie

Has he done this before?

four or five times actually

Hey lady....been there. I know a bit of what you're feeling. Kind of like that feeling in your stomach you'd get when you were homesick as a kid, combined with gut-wrenching heartache and racing thoughts that won't quit. No appetite, can't sleep, shaky hands?

I promise this is TEMPORARY, just like another member mentioned.

If he's done this before, you need to think about how many more times you want to go through this. HE WILL KEEP DOING IT.

I know that the relief is all you care about, when he comes back around and the crisis is over...or at least that's all I cared about, when the pain was happening.

The worst part of it? Although you don't realize it at the time, the worst part is waiting while HE makes up his mind about what happens next with you.

There are men out there who don't do this #! They exist! And you deserve one, and you Will have one, once you walk away from this guy.

Again- I know it's almost impossible to imagine a life without him and you probably can't even imagine EVER wanting someone else; but you will. You will!

Take control of the situation, sweetheart, and be honest with yourself about what you know about this cycle with him. Then, take some deep breaths and do what you know you need to do.

Sending you strength!

Thank you so much for taking the time to write that. I know what I need to do but I don't think I can do it. I am a spineless coward and I love him so much I can hear myself screaming on the inside about how stupid I am. But the outside just wants to give him my love.

I told him that I want the love that I give him back. I'm not sure if he took me seriously... it's only been two days.. but I am still in a state of constant pain. Called out of work for the second day in a row.

I keep telling asking myself.. how can he not love me as much as I love him? He wanted me first. I give him so much love. I am completely on par with his physical needs because I tend to want a lot of that as well. I do his laundry.. i show interest in his hobbies. I take care of him when he is sick.. I take care of his dying mother.. I am by a long shot the most attractive person he has been with (that sounds shallow but I am just thinking these things) but I can't think of a time where I have really slipped up and became a boring person, became crazy or done something to hurt him. I have no idea.

a reply to: Fehrie

I'm not sure how old you are but darling, let a mama give you some advice. This is the same advice my daddy gave me many a moons ago.

Don't ever rely on a man. period. Men leave, men die, men will hurt you.
If you always take care of yourself you will be ok. It doesn't mean to not love someone. It means to love yourself too and first.

I can't think of a time in my life that the above advice hasn't been true. I think you are so hurt right now you are not thinking straight. Do you think that your man will love you because you do laundry or are not boring? Wrong, the thing men love the most in the world is what they can't have, a woman that has her own free will and wild side. I am 100% convinced he will desire and "love" you the most when you are in another man's arms with a big grin on your face!

a reply to: Fehrie

you ll love somebody else more. he knows that too.

my last advise, since you cant find the strenght to move on now just leave it as it is and watch for a while to see how it will turn out between you two. we may all be suprised..hopefully.

I know the type of guy you are dealing with, I have one at home Constantly seeking attention and validation; and as soon as things seems to get on the right track he's back again with yet another drama for you. Your life must always be about him and revolve around him; all the time. And even then is never enough.

As weird as it sounds he may really love you and he definitely knows you love him and you hurt because of him. Yet his lack of self confidence is such that he needs to see your misery again and again to be sure of your love. Then everything is ok and he is yours forever.
One thing you must absolutely not do is show weakness. Don't play his game. I used to do the same and mop around in such a misery not knowing what could I do better. Because there was never a real reason for it, a problem to work on; just some moodiness or the full moon or a feeling like you describe...

As soon as I realized what is all about I changed my strategy. I put my foot down and I made it clear I won't take it anymore. You're not sure what you feel about me, you have a problem but don't know what the problem is, you feel like is not enough? I can get that. Then you're free to go away, take your time alone and try to understand what you really want. And when you'll figure out what is the problem you can come back and see if we can work it out, or you can go on with your life and allow me to do the same, because right now I'm not sure either if I want to go on like this.

Well he never actually left, in 9 years we only separated once for two weeks. When he came back the deal was that the first time he gets moody again and not sure about his feelings he will be gone for good. I may not be much but at least I deserve to be with someone that is sure he wants to be with me. I meant it and he knew that, and things changed for us.
Of course he's still trying sometimes to play the drama and mess with my head for a bit of extra attention and I can't stop being amazed at the amount of tricks he can come up with But he can't fool me anymore.
And I did all that because otherwise he is a great, great guy and it worth trying to keep all the good things we had together. I love him and I know he loves me so we worked it out somehow.

I'm telling you all this because I think this is the only way to deal with this kind of person. You toughen up, put a cold face and tell him to choose right now. Either he is happy in this relationship and he'll stop making dramas or he's not and he is free to go away to find something else. Don't accept half measures or bargains, don't accept that maybe if you try harder he'll be happier. Is an emotional extortion and you will be stuck in this forever. In two years he had time to know you and to see who you are. So that's the deal, take it or leave it. But if he takes it he must pull his ##it together and stop ruining your life.
Only then you will know you have something together and start from there.

There is also the chance that he will leave. Sometimes if people like this realize they cannot play you anymore for their emotional needs they're off to their next victim. So believe me, if he leaves is better for you.

And I will tell you one more thing: the only person responsible for how you feel right now is you. If you allow this to go on without doing something about it this is how you will end up again and again. And you cannot blame him for it anymore. Just like him you now know what the deal is and what to expect from this relationship. So take it or leave it, but you must be aware that you have that choice. YOU are in charge of your happiness.

I feel for you and I hope you pull this out for the best. But if not always remember that you deserve better. And even if it doesn't looks like right now you WILL love again. Hopefully someone with less issues

a reply to: Fehrie

I do know what you're going through and my heart so much goes out to you and sends you strength.

I was in a relationship with a guy who did this same thing. There were other things too, little things, that made me feel uneasy, and those things were there all along. All the seemingly little things that you think "That's just him, that's how he is. Why should I expect to find someone who treats me or thinks about me or says things to me exactly like I think he should? No guy is going to do that." And that is true in some ways, but when you add them up and put them together with this "I'm not happy with us right now" crap he's doing AGAIN, your heart AND head will tell you the truth, if you allow it. But it's so painful that it's easier to make yourself believe that all that stuff doesn't really mean what you think it means.

Was there a sign in the beginning that made your heart absolutely sink, but you ignored it or allowed him to rationalize it to you? For me, it was finding a pair of panties in his washing machine that weren't mine. He said he had never seen them before and explained how underwear can get trapped around that middle cylinder thing in the washing machine so that must be it. And that's true, that does happen. But he'd been living there for two years and he had never ever noticed this BRIGHT RED pair of panties stuck there before? And that was even one day after he was scrolling through pictures on his computer, showing me something, and he scrolled across one of a girl doing something to herself- it was obviously in his bed, so it wasn't like some downloaded porn. He said the picture was old, he hadn't seen that girl in a while. Which also could have been true. But obviously he's keeping the picture where it's easy enough to view for himself.

Even with hose two things, I allowed him and myself to rationalize it away.

It wasn't just things like that. Gifts: he never once bought me a new gift. He would buy himself a new set of speakers, for example, and wrap his old ones up and give them to me. He did that with every gift. He never once gave me a new gift, or even any gift that I wanted.

We were on this boat and the driver was an idiot and driving like an idiot. The boat started taking on water, in the back, where we were sitting. We both started to get up at the same time, but he was trying to use me for leverage and kept pushing me back down onto the seat as he pushed on my shoulder to use it for balance. Once he was steady he went to the other side of the boat. He just left me there.

And a million other little things. Enough to be clear on their own, added together, that this guy wasn't for me. And then add in the frequent "We need a break" followed by reconciliation. All of that, but the pain was so intense during the "breaks" that I would rather rationalize it all and pretend it would not happen again. But I always felt uneasy underneath, waiting for he other shoe to drop again, and it always did.

I could NOT imagine EVER being attracted to anyone else. Could not fathom it. Every guy someone pointed out to me would just make me feel worse, because it wasn't HIM, and I just wanted HIM. But somehow, a girlfriend of mine, during one of our "breaks," convinced me to go on a dating site. She said just scroll through the profiles. This was back when Match.com was free. So I started reading profiles of guys who had physical characteristics that I wanted that my "break" guy didn't have, but I had forgotten about (being attracted to such and such trait). I also read profiles of guys who listed things and descri bed themselves in ways that my"break" guy didn't have. After getting a few messages from some of these guys, I started to notice that it wasn't making me just miss him...I was actually interacting with some hot guys and wasn't thinking about HIM for a few minutes! That gave me hope. And I actually went out with a few of them, and one I even dated for a while and was way into him, and pretty much forgot all about Mr. Break.

Of course the minute that happened, Break's radar went off (they have some weird 6th sense that tells them the second you are starting to get over him, even though you aren't in touch) and he called me and got me back, with all the right words. BUT, this time, i wasn't so afraid of losing him, because I had actually been into someone else! When it finally did happen again, it wasn't NEARLY as painful, and that time, I walked away for good. The racing thoughts and fantasy hope scenarios weren't there, I could eat, I could go out with friends and actually join the conversation instead of either pretending I was listening instead of thinking of HIM, or trying to get them to talk about HIM and the situation all night. I was sad at times of course, but it wasn't overwhelming at all: it was actually a relief and clear. A relived, clear sadness and it healed up quick. And I went on to date men SO much better who would never DREAM of pulling those stunts. And I never had to be reassured by them, because they showed me they really cared for me. I didn't have to ask. No racing thoughts or anxiety.

Sorry for the novel....I just have a feeling you may be able to relate to these things, and what I hope it will do is show you that another woman really has gone through what you're in now, and really did get past it!!! And you can and will too, if that's what you decide.

Fantasizing about being totally over him and running into him when you look amazing and are on the arm of some hot guy- that helps too! Seriously- get a detailed visualization of that going and replay it over and over in your head. It will help too.

ETA: also, it's not you!! His lack of commitment or his wishy-washiness and his not showing you he cares, etc....IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF YOU. You are definitely hot enough and smart enough and caring enough to hold his interest. There is something wrong with HIM.

a reply to: KansasGirl

The boat story you told hit me right in the gut.

It reminded me so much of something I experienced. I'm sure the OP has too. I think as women we all know when we have a dud, but we don't want to admit it. It hurts too much.

I was at a gathering with my guy, it was absolutely freezing, he wouldn't let me wear his coat because he was cold too.
I was sad but didn't think much about it. IFast forward several months and I was at another gathering without him. I was walking with my group and it was chilly out. I didn't say anything and a guy friend just comes up and puts his jacket on me. Here was just a friend wanting to make sure I was warm over himself but my own guy wouldn't do it. I knew then. I stayed with him and surprise surprise, it didn't work out. And for those wondering, yes I should have had my own coat, but I was young and dumb and didn't dress right! ha

It sounds like you two went from good friends to more, and forced it when you shouldn't have.

There are plenty of people out there who know when to fold 'em with that foundation, and not ruin the remaining friendship. I really think you walked into a relationship neither actually wanted, were you expected to eventually date each other or something?

IMHO, you're not right for each other beyond platonic. Get back to being platonic, and strengthen it. Sometimes (not always, though) a strong platonic attachment to a good, trustworthy, dependable friend can last a lifetime and be your lifeline through it. Not every relationship has to be the romantic kind to be deeply rewarding.

a reply to: Fehrie

Thank you so much for taking the time to write that. I know what I need to do but I don't think I can do it. I am a spineless coward and I love him so much I can hear myself screaming on the inside about how stupid I am. But the outside just wants to give him my love. I told him that I want the love that I give him back. I'm not sure if he took me seriously... it's only been two days.. but I am still in a state of constant pain. Called out of work for the second day in a row. I keep telling asking myself.. how can he not love me as much as I love him? He wanted me first. I give him so much love. I am completely on par with his physical needs because I tend to want a lot of that as well. I do his laundry.. i show interest in his hobbies. I take care of him when he is sick.. I take care of his dying mother.. I am by a long shot the most attractive person he has been with (that sounds shallow but I am just thinking these things) but I can't think of a time where I have really slipped up and became a boring person, became crazy or done something to hurt him. I have no idea.

You obviously consider love as a trade, this for that. No wonder you are questioning your self worth. Not being able to trade enough of this for that. True love has no such nonsense.

Its probably nothing to do with you. He is probably looking for answers in life. Is this all there is. Isn't there more to life. The answer to those questions might haunt him until death. Yet he might realise them tomorrow. They might include you or not. But if you truly loved him you would let him go with happiness in your heart. Not forcing him to live a life that remains questionable to him.

Personally I am more worried about your mind than your relationship. You need centre yourself. Do yoga or something. Try put your mind in order.

a reply to: JAGStorm

Ah, yes!!!! Yes, he never offered me his coat either. A lot of times complete strangers could be more considerate and caring than my dud. You took ME right back there with that story. And said it perfectly, that it made you sad but you didn't think that much about it. EXACTLY. Then you think "I must be unreasonable" or "I guess I think I'm a princess or something" etc. We talk ourselves out of what we know to be wrong or out of balance.

it doesn't seem like a big deal or a deal breaker, right? And probably shouldn't be, unless it's coupled with several other little "not such a big deal" things like the guy so intent on getting himself to safety that he uses you to get his balance so HE can get to safety without even looking back or saying a word to you. I know exactly what your heart felt like, dropping, a few months later when your guy friend put his jacket on you and you remembered your boyfriend NOT doing so. And the battle it causes in our heads.

We made it out though, OP, and so can you, and look back and say "How the heck did I feel any attraction for that idiot?" If you decide to. We're here for Ya....

Just speaking on my experience (I haven't been able to find the post), my ex husband was a real piece of work. He never hit me, but the lack of consideration for me was quite overwhelming. He had the AUDACITY to follow my older sister around like a lost puppy when she visited. It was sickening to observe. We have 2 children together and right before our daughter turned 18, he signed away his paternal rights in order to avoid paying child support. I, however, kept my rights. There's no way I could/would have ever allowed my perfect f^cking sister to adopt my children. Yes, she had them from 2008 on, but she didn't go through what I had to in order to have my kids. The ex just recently got out of state jail because his ex girlfriend made bruises on herself and her daughter and called the police saying the ex was responsible for it. He never laid his hands on me out of anger the entire 4 years we lived together.

Sounds like a weird relationship in any case. If you two can't openly and honestly discuss these things, how can there be enough honesty to form a solid basis for a lasting relationship?

What I would do is just tell him exactly what you are feeling, then ask what he's feeling, and talk the whole thing out and through honestly and openly, without any mind games. If he's evasive or distant, it has already been over a long time. If he -honestly- cares, and shows it, perhaps you can talk it through and then work it out.

It's not even clear what the problem is from your post, but I think one problem is that you rather post about it on a forum like this instead of bringing your worries and concerns to him.
'
So what do you really want? A solution to a problem you don't even identify, or just a lot of 'you go, girl'-type 'no man is worth that'-validation?

Don't ever allow any given situation question your self worth. Always remember that you are a gem, irreplaceable, so much so that the universe put you here for that reason alone.

He may still actually love you - but love you enough to let you go so that you can find your true twin flame, the one the universe still has waiting for you. Yes, it is painful, of course, especially when one has vested so much time, effort and love into a certain individual. BUT - that pain is temporary. Choose happiness over history.

Best of luck.