Broken Heart Rant

originally posted by: Fehrie

originally posted by: Justso
a reply to: Fehrie

Has he done this before?

four or five times actually

Oh dear...

I hate to say this... but there are plenty of fish in this great big sea, and two years is not a long time really...

Put your foot down... either we fix this or we break up, its as simple as that...

Hopefully after 10 years he will either try to actually work on what is wrong or at least remain friends

Though if he's done this before, it sounds like hes looking for a way out without hurting you... but its too late for that

Relationships grow stale sometimes hun... you gotta know when to move on

Welcome to life.
Everyone has gone through it and everyone will go through it.
Just embrace it and realize that the next period of time isn't going to be great.
You will get through it after it sucks for awhile.

I agree with the other posters, it is time to go. Making you feel like this many times in two years is too much. You deserve better, there is someone better waiting for you. No relationships are easy and perfect all the time, but good ones don't cause this much heartache this soon.

a reply to: Fehrie

Ok, I know nothing of your particular situation, other than what you have described.......but here is a man's opinion, that may or may not soothe your heart.

1. Men are fragile creatures, we are emotional weaklings, who live in a "Society" of humans that do not tolerate weakness of any kind. Some of us, due to our home/family life or some other reason, Constantly require validation that we are loved, wanted, desired by somebody...preferably the person they chose to be a partner with.

2. There is an old saying that still applies.....behind every great man, is a great woman....(maybe not always behind, hopefully Next too) be that woman their Mother, Wife, Partner etc. That applies in all cases.

3. To me, your partner is showing sign of lack of confidence in himself, questioning why such a lovely woman as yourself is with him.....and other symptoms of lack of self esteem. Of course, on the outside him will not be showing this.....because it is weak. But I think that is the crux.

4. Basically, what he wants is Your constant validation......validation that you Love him...Really love him above all else, so he thinks he is the one.....I dont know if you have have previous relationships that he know about, but inside he may be comparing himself to other previous guys.....and considers himself lacking........If he's not, then You need to let him know, tell him, dont brush him off when he wants to be intimate etc. I notice now days "Sex Experts" (Women) are now saying, women MUST have that sexual contact Or give that sexual contact to their men if they want a healthy long relationship..........Sex and Intimacy (touching, massaging, petting, kissing, hugging) is a must, And I can tell you, us men Love being intimate with women, Even with out it leading to Intercourse.

5. Has there been an area in the relationship, as above, that may be lacking on your part? Are You putting in 100% to him?
Truly, Men and Women are different, as the Asians have known forever....it is a Ying and Yang....each half fitting together makes the whole.

6. Perhaps take on the strong role as the Great Woman........if you love him and want to be with him....sit him down, and tell him....tell him you love him, want him, want to support him and grow old together etc etc, then go off and have make up sex .....

Woman, make the mistake of Not seeing what a man is doing by pulling away..........because men have Great difficulty expressing their feelings, and emotions,....sorry its hard wired into us from birth, and after 1000000 years of genetic design.
No use crying and feeling sorry for yourself, because that is Not how he wants you to react....He wants you to grab him, shake him, tell him he's yours and you are not going to let him go.....without some great make up sex first .....
Well eventually anyway.
Think of him as a little boy....who just wants to be loved and told that everyday.

And tell him from me, he is very lucky to have a loving woman who is willing to splash her heart across the WWW, just to find an answer.

I wish I had someone like that....Im a little boy inside too.

All the Best....now go get him ifn ya wants him!!!

it is a sign there is a better one for you. Because always there is.

the more you stay the more he ll insist you see that. it will get more and more confusing. dont argue with him accept his premis and walk away. crying includes argueing back in my opinion in a case like this.

a reply to: Fehrie

Leave him and ignore him and watch how fast he changes his tune. Im not saying leave permanently, but long enough to let it sink in a little with him. Then the ball will be in your court, and out of his. A bit rough, but if he's just playing a little mind game, this will burst his bubble real quick.

Or ride this out and hope for the best. Either way, good luck to you.

originally posted by: Fehrie

originally posted by: Justso
a reply to: Fehrie

Has he done this before?

four or five times actually

Hey lady....been there. I know a bit of what you're feeling. Kind of like that feeling in your stomach you'd get when you were homesick as a kid, combined with gut-wrenching heartache and racing thoughts that won't quit. No appetite, can't sleep, shaky hands?

I promise this is TEMPORARY, just like another member mentioned.

If he's done this before, you need to think about how many more times you want to go through this. HE WILL KEEP DOING IT.

I know that the relief is all you care about, when he comes back around and the crisis is over...or at least that's all I cared about, when the pain was happening.

The worst part of it? Although you don't realize it at the time, the worst part is waiting while HE makes up his mind about what happens next with you.

There are men out there who don't do this #! They exist! And you deserve one, and you Will have one, once you walk away from this guy.

Again- I know it's almost impossible to imagine a life without him and you probably can't even imagine EVER wanting someone else; but you will. You will!

Take control of the situation, sweetheart, and be honest with yourself about what you know about this cycle with him. Then, take some deep breaths and do what you know you need to do.

Sending you strength!

originally posted by: opethPA
Welcome to life.
Everyone has gone through it and everyone will go through it.
Just embrace it and realize that the next period of time isn't going to be great.
You will get through it after it sucks for awhile.

no. the life after that for a while dont need to suck. It is a fact there is a better one, if he didnt feel that he wouldnt insist that much. aĺl she needs to do for it not suck is to remember the parts that made her happy in the relation ..what she did to make herself and him happy. and shapen that aspect during that daily life..did you enjoy cooking for him, do it more, do it better, did you like the times you watched movies, do it more do it more elaborately, did you like the times you made him laugh, make better jokes and be more funny. That's how you ll meet.

a reply to: gort51

To the OP: IGNORE SVERY THING THIS GUY WROTE HERE (Gort 51). Seriously- ignore it all. Do not let any of that bul ship into your head.

With all due respect, Gort: terrible, ignorant post. I know you were trying to help, but you're deceiving yourself by thinking whatever it is you're thinking.

a reply to: KansasGirl

I agree with you against gort51

dont try playing the strong woman ready to face it all. he ll break you. In unimaginable ways. the more you insist you can get through it together the more unreal and irrational it will get.

originally posted by: Damla
a reply to: KansasGirl

I agree with you against gort51

dont try playing the strong woman ready to face it all. he ll break you. In unimaginable ways. the more you insist you can get through it together the more unreal and irrational it will get.

Exactly.

He's already shown his cards, by doing this before. More than once. HE WONT CHANGE. Not really. He might act for a while, but he will do this again.

Hopefully the OP will get the hell out of there. And after a while, she will be with someone so much better. Right about that time is when this guy will be doing the same thing to some other girl.

I can only tell you what I learned over the years.
If I could go back & tell my younger self anything...
It would be to give a guy one chance, everybody
deserves a second chance. But after that, no way!
(Not talking about cheating though. No second
chances there. One a cheat, always a cheat!)

I wasted so much time on guys, that it turned out,
didn't deserve it! I always gave much more than I got!
And why??? That's not love! And love doesn't hurt!!!

I had a very wise uncle who said, "Relationships aren't
supposed to be 50/50. They're supposed to be 100/100!!!"
Find someone who will treat you like a princess!
Someone you want to treat like a prince!

People stay together because they are afraid of change,
or afraid of being alone! But nothing is worse than being
in a relationship & feeling alone!

Just my 2 cents!

WOQ

a reply to: Fehrie

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this kind of a situation. I have been there before, and I'm still suffering a bit (we can talk about it in PM if you want the details; For now, I'll just say it was a very traumatic time for me). The problem that I'm reading here is that he's making it about us, as in both of you are doing something wrong. I could be missing a lot, but it doesn't sound like you are the problem.

As for how to deal with this: Talking about it is a good first step, and most of the ATS community is fairly sympathetic (until you start arguing if a rock on Mars is a dinosaur bone; That was a joke by the way). What helps me is that I play instruments as a somewhat professional hobby, and now work in a building with furry animals running around.

I know it hurts now, so take a trip, do something you've never done before. After I had to break mine off, I went on a 3-day trip ghost hunting/antiquing. The important part is to remember this: Not every guy out there will be like he is; and there's a million guys that would gladly treat you better (I know, not exactly the kind of advice you're probably looking for).

-foss

a reply to: KansasGirl

i really dont care what he does anymore. eventually it is all about revenge.

originally posted by: Damla

originally posted by: opethPA
Welcome to life.
Everyone has gone through it and everyone will go through it.
Just embrace it and realize that the next period of time isn't going to be great.
You will get through it after it sucks for awhile.

no. the life after that for a while dont need to suck. It is a fact there is a better one, if he didnt feel that he wouldnt insist that much. aĺl she needs to do for it not suck is to remember the parts that made her happy in the relation ..what she did to make herself and him happy. and shapen that aspect during that daily life..did you enjoy cooking for him, do it more, do it better, did you like the times you watched movies, do it more do it more elaborately, did you like the times you made him laugh, make better jokes and be more funny. That's how you ll meet.

That's great on paper or in fantasy novels but reality is that when a relationship ends their is a period of suckiness if you didn't initiate it and even then it sometimes sucks.

a reply to: opethPA

i have seen enough to be a fantasy novel. i am so sorry if it wont work for you. maybe you want to cry a bit?

originally posted by: Damla
a reply to: opethPA

i have seen enough to be a fantasy novel. i am so sorry if it wont work for you. maybe you want to cry a bit?

Lulz.
I got nothing.

a reply to: Fehrie

It's the going back and forth that is the red flag. A moment of clarity and the fear to step out on a limb. Sometimes we hold onto the dream and illusion at the cost of ourselves because we want to believe the dream.

Wish you both the best and can only say that all experiences count for a reason even if we can't see it at the time and usually whatever happens even in heartbreak works out best in the end.

Sorry to hear that you are going through a challenge but don't question your self worth.

a reply to: Fehrie

See, there are things a man ought to do in a relationship, and things he ought not.

I would say that among those things he ought to do, is to ensure his lady knows she is appreciated. Among those things he ought not do, is make her feel like crap, because HE has some sort of an issue, probably with commitment.

One way around or another though, if he has a habit of putting you through this sort of despair on the regular, it might be time to cut him out of your life with a scalpel, and do better things with your time.

a reply to: Fehrie


He’s a liar and a sh#t. Best to leave that drama ASAP!