The Shed 20

Oh yes, and happy anniversary, Night! 39 years, that's both impressive and inspiring!

So sorry everyone! Not feeling perky today.

Jacy, wish we could have spoken longer in here.

Wis, I'm glad you showed up and posted Tom's awesome Shed song.

Hello Sheye!

Hello Nyiah! We could have had a pizza party. LOL

Hello Joe!

I'm a woman of so many words tonight. LOL

originally posted by: Mike Stivic
WiS,
When the water gets to rough or choppy,that is when we should all lash our rafts together, not drift apart.

You are missed.

It's late I'm tired, good night gang.

Respectfully,
~meathead

Beautiful!

Goodnight Joe!

a reply to: Night Star

How about a male? I don't need a bunch of little dragons running around. I say I don't!
I'll call him Alris or Quatari!
Which one do you like best?
Thanks!

a reply to: Trucker1

They're dragons, not rabbits. They don't breed often.

I've logged in so many times to talk and wind up just reading along as the words won't come. If you all could indulge me this morning, it may prove cathartic for me. There are some things that I can't speak about publicly yet (it wouldn't be appropriate) and not very appropriate for a conspiracy site either but, I think I need to get it out. Some of you that know me "off site" may have picked up on "something" going on. So much has happened and I certainly didn't want to burden anyone (even in the internet world) and I don't feel much positively speaking and well, that's where I am.

On the bright side, which is hard to find but, IS there if I squint and look real hard (note to self: appt with eye Dr needed!) my youngest daughter will be graduating in December. Her 18th birthday is in about 3 weeks and a long time joke with all of us (her older sister, me and her) has been "Oh my gosh, they survived ME as a parent!". Funny aside...I had never planned on children. Having been adopted, I figured if the overwhelming desire to be a parent ever consumed me then I would adopt. Well, I had my two daughters and later in life adopted my 3 nephews so I like to think that I experienced the best of two worlds.

So my sister, who is 84 years old, had been diagnosed with Alzheimer. Her wife (47 years together), partner, caregiver who is battling cancer herself took a fall on July 4 and wound up with a pretty serious ankle injury so, of course, I collected my sister and have been making trips back and forth to North Carolina every couple of days, working my full time job and caring for my sister. Her wife is finally home from rehab (too early though IMO due to insurance and we can't afford $265/day for private pay!) and that's been about two weeks now. While she was in the hospital, they have now discovered two masses on her liver and I imagine that it won't be long now. I took my sister home and came back for some R & R. I say this all 'matter of factly', truly, not seeking pity just providing context for the rest of this (what has turned out to be a long and drawn out) post-sorry!

My sister has two sons, one that hasn't spoken to her in about 14 years (a great mystery to all of us!) and her youngest one who she is very close to that lives in Florida. David (and his brother) practically lived with me and my parents full time when we were all growing up. Although there were nearly 10 years between us, we were raised as siblings. He was never my nephew, he was my brother and I was his "sissy". The only time David wasn't a daily part of our lives was when he went into the Air Force. He was on the AWACS during the Iran hostage situation (giving you an idea of time). It's sort of ironic, really, the way that we were raised as my Mom was 13 years old when she had my sister and my sister was raised as a sibling and not my Mom's daughter. My Mom had some serious complications during pregnancy and delivery and had to learn to walk and talk again (stroke, blood loss, brain injury etc.) and that took a few years. I suppose it was easier and less of a stigma for the family to just pretend she was another sibling.

David was a long haired biker after the service, we went everywhere together. He was an independent although spent a lot of time with different clubs. He was well liked, respected and well he helped raise me it turns out. I followed him around, Pennsylvania, Virginia and Florida, lived with him off and on (I left home at 15) and we were very close. He was a player but, finally met a woman that he settled down with. They lived together for 10 years before getting married. She passed away a few months after my Mom (Jan '15). I don't think he was ever okay again. You know, hindsight really is 20/20.

I was upset with him for the past couple of months. I never spoke of it but, I was. He was unable, and honest and up front, to help me with my sister (his Mother). He had work commitments, was afraid to leave his home and property due to theft and he had a tenant on the property in another residence. All weak excuses, to me...I thought he was being selfish and I needed some relief/help. Who was the one being selfish again? So we'd speak weekly and I'd update him and that would be that.

He called me last Sunday and I was...exhausted I guess (who's making weak excuses now?) and didn't answer either phone. His name and number flashed up on the television screen and I thought "call your Mother!". Then my cell phone rang and I thought "Dave, I just can't today". Fast forward to Thursday.

My sister's wife called me at work and asked me to sit down. Two sheriff deputies were there. The sheriff in Florida called the sheriff in North Carolina. David's employer had called for a welfare check and the police found him in the living room. He had his wife's ashes and had written a letter. He had been dead approximately 4-5 days although we can't confirm that yet as the coroner hasn't finished with him. He ate a bullet. He ended his suffering even though we don't know exactly what that was yet. I'm hopeful that the letter will make some sense of it all.

My emotions are swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other. I can't believe he did this to his Mother right now but, he didn't do anything to her did he? He did it to himself...I suppose I am still in shock and can't quite wrap my head around it. What the absolute hell?!! Why didn't I answer the phone?!!

My closest friends and family all say what you'd expect, "it's not your fault", "don't blame yourself", "cowards way out", "blah blah blah". I can't be angry for him ending his suffering and pain. It was HIS life...it's just the pain he has created and abandoned his Mother just when she needs, or will soon when her wife dies, him the most. She needs all of us! I've had a difficult time saying any of this out loud. As if not saying it makes it not true...

He just was never the 'type' of person that I would expect to do this. I would have expected him to reach out. I was always the one who was 'in my feels' and he was always the rock. I just don't know. My girls are almost all I have left. I don't know what I'll do when I have no one else to take care of...If he felt as alone as I do today, I can empathize with his pain...I can't imagine what he was going through and will always blame myself for not being there.

Thanks for the 'session' guys! I hope everyone (if you survived this far without poking your eyes out with a stick LOL!!!) has a beautiful day. It's sunny and warm here in middle Tennessee and I love it. Yes, I am one of those weirdos who like summer! I imagine I'll be going on a trip in a few days to sort things out. I'm on call for work until Tuesday so...I'll be hermiting until then.

Can we make it through to the other side? Sure we can!!

All of you that have survived...YOU give me hope.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

I'm sorry you had to experience this. Suicide always leaves a mess. Questions, guilt, all the "what if?" stuff. My condolences for your loss.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

My thoughts and best wishes are with you in these toughest of times.

Life has a funny way of dishing things out when we least expect them. It is how you handle these events that define us.

You have us all in the shed with you Chirp !

a reply to: TNMockingbird

Words can’t express the sorrow I feel for you at this time TMockingbird. My hope is that everyone you love will heal from this sad situation in time.

RIP with love and grace David. !

a reply to: TNMockingbird

Chirp, I love you so much! I am so thankful that you came here to let us into your life by sharing such heartfelt things with us today. There is no guarantee that had you have spoken to him when he called, that he might not have gone through with it another time. David, I'm sure would not want you to carry this guilt around with you for the rest of your life. Think about that please.

You have been going through so much emotional stress and grief and it can be so very overwhelming. If time allows, come back 'home' to the Shed and spend a little time with us. You will be among people who love you and will always be here for you. We have various folks going through different things. As alone as you may feel through all of this, we are here with a hand to hold and hugs readily available.

You have been missed terribly dear Chirp. I wish I could say more or do something. All I can do is give you my love and support as a friend and promise to always be here for you as best I can. Big warm hug!

ETA My heart goes out to your Sister, one of my best friend's Mom went through the same thing and is so terribly sad. My heart also goes out to your Sister's Wife who is suffering through cancer.

originally posted by: Trucker1
a reply to: Night Star

How about a male? I don't need a bunch of little dragons running around. I say I don't!
I'll call him Alris or Quatari!
Which one do you like best?
Thanks!

Oh you must pick his name yourself, whichever name speaks to you the most will be the name the dragon desires.

When they are babies and they burp, they can only exhale smoke, so won't set anything on fire. After that, as he grows, you have to train him to be careful around the house. Eventually he will get too big and he will have to live outside of course, but you will be forever bonded.

PS: Dragon rides are awesome!

originally posted by: LightSpeedDriver
a reply to: Trucker1

They're dragons, not rabbits. They don't breed often.

Bahahaha! True dat! That made me laugh.

Dedicated to those who may need an extra angel in their lives at this time.

a reply to: Sheye

That song always gets me teary eyed. Beautiful song!

a reply to: TNMockingbird

Man that's one of the most heart wrenching stories I've heard in awhile.
Sorry for your loss! Only time heals the pain of lost loved ones!

a reply to: Trucker1

It is indeed heart wrenching.

Time doesn't always heal the pain. Sometimes we are fine and go on with our lives. Sometimes we have to sit in the shadows, and just let the tears flow, be in the moment. But... always, always there will be memories to hold onto and cherish and friends by our side.

I love how our ATS family comes together for each other.


Thank you for being a part of our little family here!

a reply to: TNMockingbird


Right beside you Chirp.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

I wish you strength to get through these hard times. You wrote very well. Yes it was really sad reading but very well-written nevertheless.

originally posted by: Nyiah
Oh yes, and happy anniversary, Night! 39 years, that's both impressive and inspiring!

Yep Night, happy anniversary from here too! I meant to write this earlier but then there was the summer cottage vacation and everything you know.