Softball with AugustusMasonicus: Season II

In a thread filled with poor taste this interview will take the gake. Gender issues should be a serious topic but I’m not a serious person and thankfully our guest isn’t one either. I was asked to do my worst which means we ended up with a series of cringe-worthy questions and abominable answers on the subject.

Our guest today is one ATS’s most outspoken members on the topic of transsexualism who would love to sit down with you and your family and explain, in minute detail, the subtleties of the process while overtly indoctrinating your children. Get ready to be comfortable being uncomfortable and please welcome Abysha.

AM: When someone is ‘transphobic’ does that mean they only like driving automatics and not manuals?

AB: Discrimination against manual motorists is rampant and getting worse. Cities like Seattle and Portland are not manual-accessible with their frequent steep hills and constant heavy traffic. People need to check their automatic tranny privilege.

Personally, I’m extra inclusive, preferring non-power steering and even a manual choke, let alone a manual transmission. Choking is easy once you fill the tranny with fresh fluid. But remember, all cars run better with full consent. Like I always say: “if it ain’t got a choke, your car’s not truly woke”.

AM: You’re a chick who was assigned as a dude at birth that’s married to another chick and who also has a boyfriend and a girlfriend. So the burning question is who the hell takes out the trash?

AB: My boyfriend is the only partner I live with and he is traditional as hell so he supposedly takes out the garbage. In theory. In practice, he says he’ll do it the night before then I end up rushing it out at 6am when I hear the garbage truck coming.

But I think what you really want to know is if you would get double the sammiches if you were poly. The answer is no. A poly girlfriend divides the two slices of bread into as many pieces as the number of girlfriends the man has and then makes a tiny sammich out of one of the resulting segments. So technically, you would get more sammiches but they would each be much smaller, depending on how many girlfriends you have.

I’m my boyfriend’s only partner (he’s monogamous) so he gets full sammiches. This whole sammich system is why he’s not polyamorous.

AM: Are you sad that the Bible says you’re going to hell?

AB: Yeah… but I couldn’t do without a Christmas tree last year (Jeremiah 10:2-4). Then of course I just had to be wearing a wool elf hat with a cotton skirt (Leviticus 19:19) while I was opening presents. The list goes on and on…

AM: How quickly would someone catch The Gay if you touched them?

AB: I’m a terrible lesbian. I think if anything, people will just become painfully awkward in bed after I touch them.

AM: Should a baker bake you a wedding cake, why or why not?

AB: Absolutely not. I can’t afford the calories nor puffiness for the honeymoon.

AM: Which restrooms are cleaner, men’s or women’s?

AB: Women’s, hands down. Unless you are talking about toilet seats. Some women like to “hover”. Super frustrating.

But it also has perks that nobody talks about. Like the graffiti. I was meeting somebody at a neighborhood bar this morning (for coffee) and had to go pee. I saw the most counter-intuitive sentence ever. In super pretty, perfect, evenly-spaced handwriting that looked like it should be on an inspirational poster, it said “Ryan Duncan is a total #”. It was the best thing I’ve read in days.

AM: How many kids have you spied on while in there taking a whizz?

AB: I’m saving it up for when I get old and wear Depends. That way I can constantly make eye contact with people while I’m peeing. I’ll have a daily quota.

AM: You live in Portland, do you smell like flannel?

AB: I wish. I usually smell like Mexican food and strippers.

AM: Hipster beards or man buns?

AB: Ugh… I’ll be honest here. The first couple of times I saw men wearing buns, I thought it was kind of hot. But like with most things, hipsters ruined it for everybody. But a beard? There are certain types of faces upon which a well-trimmed beard or rugged whiskers make me swoon.

AM: Ze, Hir, Xe, Xyr or just ‘hey you’?

AB: Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn klaatu barada nikto


 

AM: Mrs. Doubtfire, Tootsie, John Leguizamo or Hillary Swank, who wears it better?

AB: I’ve never seen those first two movies nor any movies with Hillary Swank in them. However, Johnny Leguizamo looks absolutely pimp in anything he wears so the answer will always be Johnny Leguizamo.

AM: Time for the easy questions. Favorite restaurant?

AB: Aside from where I work, I really really really dig this vegan place called Paradox. I’m not vegan myself so it’s not a place I would have ever thought of eating at (I don’t generally choose places for the food, anyway) but I’m glad my girlfriend took me there. Their special tater tot dish is seriously the best thing I have ever ordered in a restaurant. Ever.

But like I said, food isn’t normally a draw for me. I’m more into unique ratty dives.

Oh! I’m also quite fond of this arcade/bar downtown. The games are actual real arcade games (none of that ticket crap) and have drink holders on the sides of them for each player to hold their beer. Nothing cooler than having a dude buy you a beer and a round of Mortal Kombat.

AM: Favorite film?

AB: Depends on my mood. Robocop fits all of them, though. There is something about a character being faced with a biological imperative that forces change upon them in order to survive, only to deal with mistrust and skepticism from society afterwards. Can’t quite put my finger on why I relate to Murphy’s transition so much...

AM: Favorite sports team.

AB: I usually wouldn’t be able to tell you what sport any given team plays if you named them. But I have an interesting way of predicting the winning team (my boyfriend is getting increasingly annoyed by this). If he’s watching a game, I’ll ask him who’s playing. I then decide who would win in a fight based on the names. For example, I predicted the Eagles would beat the Patriots because Eagles are flying predators and Patriots wear tri-corner hats and have muskets. Muskets are horrible for hunting eagles in the sky and their hats are perfectly-shaped to collect bird poop in the worst ways.

So when I played out the fight in my head, it ended with a bunch of bloody, eyeless, poop-covered patriot militiamen crawling away while the eagles made nests out of the tri-corner hats. And who won? That’s right.

AM: Favorite TV show besides Portlandia?

AB: Well I am human so Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead are obviously in the forefront. Beyond that, I don’t have much time to watch shows. But I like to have something on while I get ready in the morning so I sometimes watch reruns of old shows (Firefly, Archer, Futurama, etc) or shows with my daughter. I’m especially happy because she’s finally old enough to watch Bob’s Burgers (yesssssssss). Still won’t let her watch Dora the Explorer, though.

AM: Nicest thing someone said to you after you transitioned?

AB: Actually, this just happened a couple of weeks ago. Where I work has three owners and I’m close friends with two of them (I specifically work for these two) but the third one, I had never met. She runs the strip club portion of things (we are a Mexican food/dive bar/strip club type of place). I was downstairs, bent down, taking inventory and she demands “When are you going to audition for me”. I was startled and stammered out that I would like to lose about 15 pounds first and she said “Pffttt… you’ve seen some of the girls here, that’s no excuse” and then I had to explain that I was waiting for a special operation. She looked at me for about five seconds before her face changed and was all like “ohhhhhhhh…” She apologized for “offending” me for what was an extremely flattering and affirming moment for me. I thought the irony of the moment deserved its own place in my heart.

Aaaand that’s how I met the third owner; in flurry of sexual harassment and awkward personal disclosure. It’s also when I made the decision to take pole dancing lessons after my surgery.



Abysha scratches out a living in a wet and dreary northwestern town, catering to drunks and strippers in her spare time. She is a relationship nerd who enjoys interesting dynamics with a variety of people but is hyper focused on her family and loved ones. With aspirations of spending a chunk of her older years as the first ex-stripper mayor of Portland, she has decidedly narrowed her studies to watching strippers and politicians instead of reading books or learning new things. For research purposes, of course.

She is also considering a life dedicated to our lord and savior Jesus Christ and becoming a nun. And donning a habit. Then taking it off for money.

Either way, she’s going to be wearing a habit at some point.

Alrighty then. Somewhere around the 5th or 6th question I started wondering how I was going to get this out of my head and relaized that it was never going to happen, the trauma was going to be permenent. I mean really, here I was thinking 'those people' were strange but it ends up they actually like Mexican food and tater tots like I do. What kind of sick society are we cultivating?

Abysha, thanks for joining us today and laying yourself bare for us. It was great having you expose your person publically and I think it helped further gender matters while not harming any children in the process (we hope). I'd normally hand out a parting gift but you kinda have it all, right? Or will have it all. I'm not sure. Pics please.

Until next time.

Hello?...is this thing on?...
Another great interview you two.

Just the thought of combining Mexican Food and Nude Pole-Dancing...sounds...sloppy?

originally posted by: IAMTAT

Just the thought of combining Mexican Food and Nude Pole-Dancing...sounds...sloppy?

Next time I'm in Portland I don't intend on visiting this establishment so if you see a guy that looks like me in there it's not me.

Oh man! How awesome was this interview? Way awesome!

Abysha, I've always enjoyed your posts, and now know why. You've got it all going on. Your life sounds uniquely complicated, and so much fun! Wow.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: IAMTAT

Just the thought of combining Mexican Food and Nude Pole-Dancing...sounds...sloppy?

Next time I'm in Portland I don't intend on visiting this establishment so if you see a guy that looks like me in there it's not me.

Got it.
Also I won't come up to that person who is not you and say: "Is that a sombrero in your lap...or are you enjoying the show?"

a reply to: IAMTAT


The answer may or may not be intelligble. It depends on if that guy who isn't me is wearing his pig mask or not.

originally posted by: IAMTAT
Just the thought of combining Mexican Food and Nude Pole-Dancing...sounds...sloppy?

I was thinking stinky. Just imagine the smell of Mexican food farts and sweaty lap dances.

originally posted by: FauxMulder

originally posted by: IAMTAT
Just the thought of combining Mexican Food and Nude Pole-Dancing...sounds...sloppy?

I was thinking stinky. Just imagine the smell of Mexican food farts and sweaty lap dances.

Hence, the lap sombrero.

This interview disturbed me.

Deeply.

All this talk and not ONE DAMNED WORD ABOUT DUNGENES CRABS?

WTF!

ARE YOU REALLY FROM PORTLAND?

Other than that?

Another great interview and a "Howdy" to my neighbor!

originally posted by: FauxMulder

originally posted by: IAMTAT
Just the thought of combining Mexican Food and Nude Pole-Dancing...sounds...sloppy?

I was thinking stinky. Just imagine the smell of Mexican food farts and sweaty lap dances.

"Mexican Food Fart" was my stripper name.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
This interview disturbed me.

Deeply.

All this talk and not ONE DAMNED WORD ABOUT DUNGENES CRABS?

WTF!

ARE YOU REALLY FROM PORTLAND?

Other than that?

Another great interview and a "Howdy" to my neighbor!

It's been my experience that most lap-dancing strip club restaurants try to avoid advertising crabs.

a reply to: DBCowboy

What do you mean WAS?

originally posted by: FauxMulder
a reply to: DBCowboy

What do you mean WAS?

I changed it to, "Potted Meat" a few years ago.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
All this talk and not ONE DAMNED WORD ABOUT DUNGENES CRABS?

I was told to keep the sex talk to a minimum so I figured STDs were off limits.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: DBCowboy
All this talk and not ONE DAMNED WORD ABOUT DUNGENES CRABS?

I was told to keep the sex talk to a minimum so I figured STDs were off limits.

That's why I always have a stick of butter in my underwear.

originally posted by: DBCowboy

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: DBCowboy
All this talk and not ONE DAMNED WORD ABOUT DUNGENES CRABS?

I was told to keep the sex talk to a minimum so I figured STDs were off limits.

That's why I always have a stick of butter in my underwear.

There's an "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" joke in there...somewhere.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
That's why I always have a stick of butter in my underwear.

Yup, not sexual at all.

originally posted by: IAMTAT
Just the thought of combining Mexican Food and Nude Pole-Dancing...sounds...sloppy?

The dancers don't eat until after they're done for the day. Also, no food on stage, lol. Though, it's the first place I've seen customers tip a dancer by buying her tacos and the dancer is genuinely excited about it. Our food is amazing.