Social dysfunction

I HATE that I am so socially awkward!

Geezus! I am interested in others, I care about others, I like to be with and laugh with others...

I am an introvert, in the sense that I need to sort of digest all that I am experiencing deeply, but not in the sense of preferring to avoid other people, or crowds.

But I hate what happens to me in front of people I don't know too well! I suddenly can't think of anything to say- it feels like I am in total "reception" mode- all this input pouring in (visual, auditory, intuitive....) which just makes my "output" mode tweek out!
I walk away thinking, dammit! Why didn't I ask them this or that... about their family/work/vacation.....why couldn't I remember their name? Or that of their spouse? They tend to think I just am a space cadet because I stuttered and watched them like an owl, or worse, that I am arrogant and uninterested in others.

It's even worse if I get a bit nervous (if it is someone important, a superior at work, or someone I should be trying to impress) , then I literally become a moron. Things come out of my mouth that are so stupid, it is a very efficient exercise in self sabotage. I will literally say the opposite of what I think or know. People with me will afterwards ask me, "Why did you say that? I know you know better - you have already talked to me at length about it! So why did you suddenly know nothing about it (or get it all mixed up)?"
I don't know. I think my mind was flooded with cortisol and I had no access to my intellectual faculties.

I have even told things about myself to people that are not true, and paint me in a very bad light. As if I want to be hated?

Sometimes... it turns out the things I said were something more about the other person, secrets they had, but that I couldn't have known. As if I picked them up intuitionally and they spurted out through my mouth.

I just wish I didn't have this problem. It is really so frustrating. Makes me want to scream sometimes. I end up avoiding people sometimes not because I don't want to see and talk with them, just because I'm afraid I'll go into idiot mode and end up offending them inadvertantly.

Rant over. I'll take a breathe and continue on. But if there was one thing I could change about myself, it is this.

a reply to: Bluesma

Our minds are very interesting things and getting to the root of self-sabotage is quite the adventure. We develop habits when we are young that stay with us until we do some inner work, at least that is my own experience and where I am currently at.

A major theme that helps, is mindfulness. Taping into the observer of thought as opposed to being thought. We have the power to change our habitual thought processes that result in such states of dysfunction as you describe. Every day we are in school, our insecurities are a warning system much like pain, it calls our attention to areas of ourselves that need to be healed.

I struggle with self-love/compassion. It is easy to have it for others, but not so easy when dealing with my own inner judge. I wish you the best, never give up, and know that you can change any aspect of yourself that you are uncomfortable with.

I have been enjoying talks by a man named Bentino Massaro and would like to share a video of his.

originally posted by: elementalgrove

A major theme that helps, is mindfulness. Taping into the observer of thought as opposed to being thought. We have the power to change our habitual thought processes that result in such states of dysfunction as you describe. Every day we are in school, our insecurities are a warning system much like pain, it calls our attention to areas of ourselves that need to be healed.

It's interesting because sometimes when I try to analyze this state that comes over me in such moments, it seems it is almost the opposite problem? Like I am so distanced from myself, from my ego (what I believe, think, feel...my preformed concepts and opinions on reality, myself, others..) that there is no starting point from which to "output" or project. Every question asked of me provokes an "I don't know" (that's where I get the friends afterwards asking why I said that , when I DID know earlier).

Because while I am just there with others, there is no me... there is just all this NOW going on! So much! Movement, color, emotion, sound...the lines between self and other are gone. There is just this point of view observing it all as one.

I sometimes think it would help if I could build a stronger ego- a strong set of beliefs and views that remain in place when interacting with others, making a clear boundary between self and other. So many seek to tear that down, and granted, it makes for a wonderful openess to the now most of the time, but I often think it hinders social exchange in modern society.

But I can't seem to cling to any of it. I have views and opinions, but no beliefs. Nothing can be relied upon and can always be subject to change, so it slides away when in the presence of novelty, where there could be something new to discover.
So I sit and observe, wide eyed and open eared, with nothing to add to the pot. I am, we are.

Aaaand then they're gone, and it dawns upon me - that was someone else! Sh*t! I should have offered some of me and asked for some of them, but all I did was become a soup of the now moment.

Boundries. I guess that is what my problem is. I don't have them. It's awesome when you're in nature and one with everything, but not great for making friends and influencing others.

a reply to: Bluesma

I sometimes think it would help if I could build a stronger ego- a strong set of beliefs and views that remain in place when interacting with others, making a clear boundary between self and other.

To me our ego is our masterpiece. It is the culmination of our experiences/reflection/evolution. This is precisely why we are hear, to develop a strong set of beliefs and views. Part of the difficulties is defining our authentic self and this is where is seems you may have some inner work to do.

But I can't seem to cling to any of it. I have views and opinions, but no beliefs. Nothing can be relied upon and can always be subject to change, so it slides away when in the presence of novelty, where there could be something new to discover.
So I sit and observe, wide eyed and open eared, with nothing to add to the pot. I am, we are.

Aaaand then they're gone, and it dawns upon me - that was someone else! Sh*t! I should have offered some of me and asked for some of them, but all I did was become a soup of the now moment.

Boundries. I guess that is what my problem is. I don't have them. It's awesome when you're in nature and one with everything, but not great for making friends and influencing others.

Our interactions are always perfect, this is another belief of mine. In reflection we can see what resonated and did not resonate. Faith is a powerful ally in this wild world. Faith that you are whole, faith that you are where you need to be. In developing this influence within your own consciousness, you will naturally develop it in your relationships.

You are blessed to be able to tune into the observer so effortlessly, you can use that to release negative and build the boundaries that you are wishing to. We are alchemists and our consciousness is our table. Love is truth, anything else is a deception, the negative manifestation of the ego. The positive manifestation of the ego is found in leadership, confidence, action, empathy, compassion, and integrity.

cognitive behavioral therapy might help you learn to see when you're going off the rails in these situations and how to jump in and redirect yourself. i also found that acting classes were a big help with social stuff like this.

are you a vegetarian?a reply to: Bluesma

It's amazing to me that we went from a world that viewed introverts as someone to be revered and someone who was just reserved, mindful, et cetera, to a world that views them as "weirdos." Disheartening, frankly.

originally posted by: SpeakerofTruth
It's amazing to me that we went from a world that viewed introverts as someone to be revered and someone who was just reserved, mindful, et cetera, to a world that views them as "weirdos." Disheartening, frankly.

introversion is fine... but it's nice to be able to communicate when you want to. as an introvert, i find it frustrating when i'm not able to in those situations. the other 95% of the time i'm fine not talking to anyone

I am exactly the same way. It's frustrating because I'm married to a guy who is exactly the opposite - an extrovert who loooooves to talk and is never at a loss for words. When I'm with him in a social gathering, I get even quieter and let him just take over. I'm afraid it makes me look dumb or something, but... I don't quite know how to fix it.

a reply to: Bluesma

I started out as an introvert, much like yourself. I had severe social anxiety. Then I picked up some social skills when I got a job, and started making more friends. After a decade of playing extrovert, I just want to go back to being an introvert again. In my experience, most friends are not worth keeping. Most people, not worth knowing. If you're the type of person that likes to pursue and master any sort of field of knowledge, you'll soon find that most other people aren't. So in my experience being an extrovert meant dumbing down conversation to a superficial level. I used to have anxiety talking to people, now I just have little interest in people at all. Its not that I think I'm better than other people. I know I'm worse than most. I simply realized that I am blessed with the gift of social apathy

Find a good friend or two, and forget everyone else.

a reply to: Bluesma

Because while I am just there with others, there is no me... there is just all this NOW going on!

It is only when apparent others are not around that thought pops up and says you failed.
But 'who' failed?
You say that 'all this now is going on' - when is that not the case?

When thoughts happen (speak)... it is just now going on. There isn't ever anyone separate to the now going on. But thought speaks about someone who could do now different - there isn't anyone - there is just now happening.

Thought makes believe that there is someone who did the past wrong and thought makes believe that there is someone that can do the future better but now is what there is.

originally posted by: fiverx313
cognitive behavioral therapy might help you learn to see when you're going off the rails in these situations and how to jump in and redirect yourself. i also found that acting classes were a big help with social stuff like this.

I used to do acting when I was young, and it is weird how comfortable I am on stage. It is because I am someone else. The thoughts, feelings, intents, motivations, etc. are all figured out and present (in that character).

I don't have much of those things. I am not very ambitious, so intents usually center on "learn more". Which requires being receptive. Feelings and thoughts aren't really present until later, on reflection upon the event.

Anyway, a while ago I talked to someone who suggested in certain situations (I was about to go through some challenging exams, both written and oral) to go into acting mode, play a character, instead of be myself.

I did do that and was successful. (passed my exams with flying colors).

But I ended up feeling like I didn't deserve the diploma I got, like I faked it or cheated.
This is what happens when I use that method. I feel that whatever relationships or things I make while acting are not valuable or real because I was not being authentic.

I sometimes think, having been really immersed in existentialism when young, I became too focused on the value of being authentic. It sounds good but poses some serious challenges...

originally posted by: BELIEVERpriest
a reply to: Bluesma

I started out as an introvert, much like yourself. I had severe social anxiety. Then I picked up some social skills when I got a job, and started making more friends. After a decade of playing extrovert, I just want to go back to being an introvert again. In my experience, most friends are not worth keeping. Most people, not worth knowing. If you're the type of person that likes to pursue and master any sort of field of knowledge, you'll soon find that most other people aren't. So in my experience being an extrovert meant dumbing down conversation to a superficial level. I used to have anxiety talking to people, now I just have little interest in people at all. Its not that I think I'm better than other people. I know I'm worse than most. I simply realized that I am blessed with the gift of social apathy

Find a good friend or two, and forget everyone else.

I actually do go through periods of being very social, especially in regards to work. But my experience always ends up with me wanting to pull back into my universe. People I trust let me down, the beauty I see in others turns out to be false... sometimes I don't even like myself afterwards! Even when I have become very popular, saying the right things to make people laugh and feel good and bond, looking back at them, I don't like that behavior. It often means joining things like gossip or criticism of others.

There are people in this world that find ways to be very social, and yet, not take part in those less desirable activities. I keep hoping I'll develop that skill.

originally posted by: kaylaluv
I am exactly the same way. It's frustrating because I'm married to a guy who is exactly the opposite - an extrovert who loooooves to talk and is never at a loss for words. When I'm with him in a social gathering, I get even quieter and let him just take over. I'm afraid it makes me look dumb or something, but... I don't quite know how to fix it.

Same here! My husband is the exact opposite of me. He is an extrovert and situations I find draining give him energy. We compliment each other that way. He's a salesman and knows how to adapt to each person he has in front of him, doing it without effort.
This rubs me the wrong way, with my value on honesty and being authentic. He probably feels uncomfortable with my inability to act appropriately (I am not a good partner at those important dinners with potential clients....).
But he also says I opened a whole new world for him in showing him how to look within and know himself.
There really is a reason opposites attract!

originally posted by: Bluesma
I used to do acting when I was young, and it is weird how comfortable I am on stage. It is because I am someone else. The thoughts, feelings, intents, motivations, etc. are all figured out and present (in that character).

I don't have much of those things. I am not very ambitious, so intents usually center on "learn more". Which requires being receptive. Feelings and thoughts aren't really present until later, on reflection upon the event.

i think you've got all the pieces you need to do what you want, maybe they just need to be metaphorically shuffled? i mean if you want to learn more and be receptive, it's very easy to engage with people by asking them questions... you can ask about what you want to learn more about, and people loooove to talk about themselves...

Anyway, a while ago I talked to someone who suggested in certain situations (I was about to go through some challenging exams, both written and oral) to go into acting mode, play a character, instead of be myself.

I did do that and was successful. (passed my exams with flying colors).

But I ended up feeling like I didn't deserve the diploma I got, like I faked it or cheated.
This is what happens when I use that method. I feel that whatever relationships or things I make while acting are not valuable or real because I was not being authentic.

i really hear that... i have a mode i can 'turn on' in performative situations, to get through a presentation or a social situation, or even just a customer service job. but it takes a toll, because it's highly performative and feels very fake. it leaves me emotionally exhausted!

I sometimes think, having been really immersed in existentialism when young, I became too focused on the value of being authentic. It sounds good but poses some serious challenges...

it's a good thing... and that's very much the kind of thing i'm still reconciling for myself. i think part of it, for me, is bringing some nuance back into what being true to myself means. it's different for everyone. and it's definitely still something i'm still learning about, every time i have any kind of social interaction.

i love your avatar, by the way... her name slips my mind but what a fascinating woman. i get annoyed at articles that just want to talk about her as if she was vain and that's it... look at all the artistry in that woman's work. she was ahead of her time.

a reply to: Bluesma

I know exactly what you mean. Everyone (including self) has their own areas of arrogance and psuedo-humility. I found that the proper application of my learned social skills don't fall into place unless I keep my attention focused on who and what God is. I try to trust others to the degree that God wants me to trust them. Forgive others as God has forgiven me. Treat others as I would like to be treated (means no gossip or judging). Love others as God loves me (despite my imperfections). I don't always execute those principles properly, but when I do, my social life works as it should. Sometimes it makes me a very quite person when I feel compelled to interject. Sometimes it means I need to speak up when I would prefer not to. Either way, it seems to work as it should.

I won't tell you who or what God is. That's for God to reveal to you, if you're looking for that answer, but I do believe fixing the spiritual will set the mental and social realms in proper order.

originally posted by: fiverx313

i think you've got all the pieces you need to do what you want, maybe they just need to be metaphorically shuffled? i mean if you want to learn more and be receptive, it's very easy to engage with people by asking them questions... you can ask about what you want to learn more about, and people loooove to talk about themselves...

True... I find I am often hesitant to ask questions because I don't want to be intrusive. I don't know what they are comfortable exposing to me and not. I sit there waiting for them to tell me about themself- those things THEY choose to tell. It's funny because I hear people complain often about others who talk too much about themselves, but I like people that talk about themselves. I like the idea of "I'll tell you about me, you tell me about you."

Of course I see the flip side of this- others are afraid of talking too much about themselves....

i love your avatar, by the way... her name slips my mind but what a fascinating woman. i get annoyed at articles that just want to talk about her as if she was vain and that's it... look at all the artistry in that woman's work. she was ahead of her time.

Thanks. I grabbed it off the net one day, having no idea who it was. I just liked the picture. Later I found out it was the Countess de Castiglione. She looked like my grandmother, I see in other photos. Weird person, especially towards the end of her life. I hope I don't end up like her, being a crazy recluse!

Though in the context of this topic, I wonder if her obsession with appearence and image, playing around with photography, wasn't touching on this struggle between what others see, and what is inside? I don't know.

a reply to: BELIEVERpriest

I think that part of the problem is that I didn't learn proper social skills. Like a lot of X-generation people, my parents were absent and were into the idea of not "brain washing" their kids.... wanting to leave them to develop their personality without interference. What a bunch of hog wash. I think it was just an excuse at that time to avoid responsibility and go about finding themselves in drugs, sex and rock and roll.

We were left to act like wild animals.

Then they were all into existentialism and being authentic, in which using rules of politess isn't being "real".

Those things really serve a purpose in human interaction though.

Of course, you learn some of them as an adult, but it is nice when they are conditioned behaviors early on, so you don't have to think so hard- they just emerge without effort.

It got more complicated though, when I moved out of the country and what is polite and correct changed. What is okay to talk about and not changed dramatically. What offends people and what doesn't is like the opposite of my native country.
I've screwed up so much in those areas, I barely dare to say a thing now.

That's where spirituality doesn't seem to help me. The bountiful, loving, forgiving, and compassionate feelings are there inside.... the problem is, that doesn't help with the very superficial act of speaking.

Sometimes... I put myself down or purposefully make myself look bad to try to make the others around feel good about themselves in contrast. Especially if I sense something like jealousy going on in the room.

Wow. Until I wrote that right now, I wasn't real clear on why I do that.

I was thinking about a while ago when in a group of coworkers, an important superior in our company was focused on me and was saying complimentary comments and asking me lots of questions about me. He even kind of rudely ignored someone else trying to speak to him. As I saw my co-workers begin to fidget uncomfortably and slide looks at each other, I started answering his questions in a way that really described myself as an idiot, uneducated, from a low class background... The light went out of his eyes and he finally turned his attention away. That was a relief.

But my coworkers still made some sneering sarcastic comments later about his interest in me. I went back into self criticism mode again, to make them feel better.

originally posted by: ancientthunder
are you a vegetarian?a reply to: Bluesma

Uh... no. I eat keto... lots of veggies and meat. Why?

a reply to: Bluesma

Sometimes... I put myself down or purposefully make myself look bad to try to make the others around feel good about themselves in contrast. Especially if I sense something like jealousy going on in the room.

Wow. Until I wrote that right now, I wasn't real clear on why I do that.

That behaviour started when you were a child - remember that your sister was not as beautiful as you.
Also because you had unwanted attention from males who may have been predatory - if you get too much attention you feel that you deserve all that you get?
No wonder you are afraid to speak or draw attention to yourself. If you are in the spotlight bad things might happen?
Who knows - just thoughts that popped up when reading your post.