Bi-Polar Wedding

a reply to: fossilera

I'm sorry for your sad situation.
I appreciate your sharing your story.

She believes she can make the marriage work.
I admire her love for him and her positive outlook, but I really worry that she has no real understanding about what she is signing up for.

I hope I'm wrong...and that things work out optimally for them both in their new life together.
If they don't, I pray for the best and safest conclusion to their marriage.

originally posted by: IAMTAT

I hope I'm wrong...and that things work out optimally for them both in their new life together.
If they don't, I pray for the best and safest conclusion to their marriage.

I pray that you don't have to pay for that too... or the custody battle (those can get really pricey when dealing with rich in laws).

It seems you and your wife have reached a consensus..

"We love her and it is what it is"

I think that was the only real choice to begin with . But it is nice to vent and discuss,I'm glad we (ats) were available to give you an outlet and a sounding board.


I wish them the best,and here is another cyberhug!

Respectfully,
~meathead

why are they being separated before the wedding? It is more likely his parents are toxic individuals and the escape has helped him cope in a better and loving environment that is being welcomed into your home. Both of them are seeing the relationship as mutually beneficial; as she can learn first hand for her career although it sounds a bit here's a specimen for me to study why can't I keep him? The concern I would have would he freak out and become jealous of her at college and try to limit her instead of let her advance and grow as she would be doing the same for him... if it turns into a relationship of co-dependence on his side instead of one of them growing towards independence... then yes there can be some issues.

Hopefully this helps shed some light on the situation and possibility understand what may or may not arise in the future during this union... but by all means please do not but in and try to be the parents but keep things open and non-critical so that both of them can feel free to discuss issues with you two instead of fall into an "Us against the world" scenario.

a reply to: Bone75

Their guest house? That's, like, their parents' guest house, like owned by his parents? Your point is you missed the point. He lives with his parents, on their property. He does not have his own home cause he doesn't have a job. okay?

Well it's a bit saddening how many people are prepared to just lunch a person out at the first sign of trouble , making them a victim of their own misfortune . If he'd suddenly developed ms or some other physical problem , would they advocate abandonment so quickly ?
Speak to his parents and get their take on it all .

a reply to: IAMTAT

There has been a lot of good advice/information in this thread and I sincerely hope your daughter can glean some things useful or at least reflect and try to consider the enormity of the situation. Just some thoughts.
Has she considered that he has become manic/frenzied because of the upcoming wedding? Perhaps he's having second thoughts.
I understand that they are 'in love' but, has she considered that she may have some sort of martyr complex that doesn't allow her to rationally view the situation seeking the best outcome for both of them?

I say this because of her wanting to 'fix' him. I don't think mental illness can be 'fixed' necessarily but, to manage it properly will take years of study and medication trial/error along with years of experience in the field. He's uncooperative in his own treatment (not taking his meds etc).

My oldest daughter is still not diagnosed properly (this can take years and it's my opinion). She's began a downward cycle about a month ago. She won't take her meds, won't see a counselor (and someone here connected me to a professional who will skype for sessions!) and basically cycles between deep depression/isolation to mania/hallucination (both audio/visual) and thoughts of self harm. I've resigned myself to the realization that taking care of her and keeping her safe may very well be my life. Absolutely worth it, don't get me wrong but, this is a human that I helped create. This is someone that I love with every ounce of my being. From the moment she was known to me, I was 100% committed to her for life (parents understand this) and it's more than biological...it's complete and total devotion 24/7.

Is your daughter realizing that (especially with no help from him) that this will be her life for what could be many years. The cycles, the sleepless nights, the irrational behavior, never knowing what the other person is doing to themselves when you're not around? He needs major help to get straightened out, IMO, and even with that...he has to be willing to cooperate and participate in his treatment.

I'm not saying that they should never get married but, at this point in time IMO it's foolish. Marriage will not fix anything, it won't save you, it won't save the other person, it won't relieve jealousy if it already exists. It's rarely an answer for anything.

This may sound crappy but, it sounds as if there is no financial stress in his life so imagine if that suddenly becomes an issue...or the stress of an unprepared for pregnancy or if your daughter suddenly became ill or injured? What would happen then?

I hope for the best outcome for all involved. Perhaps when he comes (I know not an ideal time) you could take him off and talk to him of your concerns for your daughter and insist that he seek regular treatment and I mean really your daughter's health and safety are your primary concern. Up here on the mountain...father's would just meet with him on the porch while cleaning their gun. I kid, really.

He's really just got to get a handle on things. He's got to stop being uncooperative. Isn't marriage about loving someone else so much that you would do anything for them? Absolutely committed to their happiness? If so, then he's got to get it together if not for himself then for her sake. If he truly loves her then when he's rational, he should be able to see this. Yes, that goes both ways. She is willing to do anything for him and committed to his happiness but, regular treatment from professionals with experience in the field should be within that somewhere.

Good luck!
Sorry for the novella.

a reply to: FissionSurplus

Damn, I wanted to get in on the 'boutique' pot shops and myriad pot 'blends' that are surely at the root of this kid's problems -- god forbid he got something stronger than 'wild' (still rofl at the naïveté from that comment) weed, he may turn homicidal at the reciption -- but you absolutely knocked it out of the park. I read every single word of your post. Twice. Best advice handed out. Bang-up job. I'm out of superlatives. I really hope the OP heed's the advice for the best interest of his step-daughter, for I fear he'll look to put the full-court press on the kid's pot use and naively believe he can 'fix' him by arresting his pot use. Again, OP, do a full-on-stop at this comment and be glad Fission dealt it out -- it's your step-daughter's livelihood and potential life on the line. Don't look to qualify or equivocate her decision; this shouldn't be her decision if this kid is as bad as described -- the clan's elder members should revoke this marriage arrangement and someone should help the kid. Like yesterday.

Please heed Fission's advice.

Best of luck.

a reply to: IAMTAT

Hi TAT. I'm sorry to read this hun.

You've received some really good replies here, especially from the people who have had experience living with someone who is bipolar. I have also had this experience and wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't witnessed it first hand.

I'm not going to give you any advice regarding your potential son-in-law...I'm going to give you some advice in helping your step daughter.

As the mother of 3 adults now, including identical twin daughters...I agree with the others who say that your daughter doesn't know what she's getting into. She also doesn't want to call off the wedding and they both sound a little idealistic which goes with their age and lack of life experience.

You and your wife must realize by now that at some point your daughter is going to need help. Please keep being as supportive (of her) as you can and don't ever say "I told you so" if things turn bad.
Don't isolate her, keep as involved in her life as you can...even if it's just text messages or quick phone calls. You know her, so hopefully you will be able to tell by her tone if she's doing well or not.

She may need to escape for her own safety so even maybe have a plan and travel funds set aside if that's an issue (for either her or yourselves).

I really do hope that he can find a medication that works for him and doesn't cause negative side effects, but that could take time. Forcing him to take them may continue to be an issue. Just stay aware of how they are doing, and try not to envision any worst case scenarios.

Most of us didn't listen to our parents because we were in love and knew everything. All you can do is keep loving her and encouraging her to be honest and open with you (without judgement on your part). Communication is really important but easily lost when they move away and get busy with their own lives. Make the effort, for your own peace of mind too.

Wishing you the best, and I hope you know that you have friends here who care and are always willing to listen.
jacy

First, thank you to all for the stories and excellent advice.

Second, if I've implied the young man doesn't have a program or support system behind him, I apologize.
My step daughter tells me he has a therapist and has been getting treatment for years...it seems he just keeps going off of his medication regimen (which I've learned here, is not uncommon for BP-ONE).

His parents (though I've not yet met them) have apparently been caring for and guiding him for some time.
My impression is that they are sometimes overwhelmed...as any parents would be under the circumstances.

What I know of them, is that they are originally from South America, strongly religious (Catholic), extremely liberal in their politics, and from an old and wealthy family. The groom's father is extremely successful and well known in his field.
They are a large family...and seem very close to all of their children.

His parents and family have fallen in love with my step daughter...and already look on her as another daughter.

I know the two of them will have a good support system in California...and, I have no doubt that they will all work together as a team to keep him on his regimen...and be there for support.

Our daughter knows her mother and I will always be there for them, as well.

a reply to: IAMTAT

It sounds like someone needs to find out if there is a time release injectable version of whatever it is that the fellow is most stable on.

Quitting or switching any psycho-active medication without a very very slow taper commonly becomes a trigger for episodes.

a reply to: BigBrotherDarkness

He's currently on an up-scaling dosage of Seroquel and has recently (yesterday) received a large dose of Respertol.

a reply to: IAMTAT

Quietapine and Resperidone are both 2nd generation anti-psychotics and very good ones. Under 300mg of the Quietapine is considered to not be a therapeutic dose it is also very dangerous for him to stop that suddenly as it can lead to physical withdrawl that is life threatening such as heart attack, vomiting, and seizures.

Resperidone is much much safer; however if he has a history of insomnia... then it would be a good idea to give him a chewible 2mg Melatonin and taper off of the Quietapine. Both of those together is not a good thing for a long run...

The Resperidone is closer to an SSRI or antidepressant in side effects which is basically nil. The Quietapine will knock him out for a predetermined amount of hours and resistance to such sleep will cause hallucinations. Basically dreaming while awake, and grasping onto them as reality or anything substantial in meaning being attached to stupid concepts such as Trump being the Anti-christ or any one being such a thing unless of course they could give a $h!t less about Christianity which is oh I dunno a few billion people?

a reply to: IAMTAT

if there's one thing the internet is good for
its love from complete strangers
but you don't have to pay for it here

Whelp... life is messy and wonderful and horrid... sometimes all at once.

What's the worst that can happen? What's the best?

Luckily, divorce is an option should the going get too tough, too often.

I lived with a bi-polar woman for 16 years and wouldn't trade the experience for anything... but it had some frustrating, scary times. She was, and is, a sharp, witty gem who periodically went batty... soaring to joyous manic highs or scary, scary dark lows.

The episodes were lonely times for me, but I tried to be a loving, stable influence until she "came back."

It won't be easy, but point #1 is most 20 yr olds will not take the advice of their elders when love is involved ... and #2 is... heck, forgot the second, more important point ...

well, even mentally ill people need love, support and a chance at a life... and it sometimes takes the care-givers who put others ahead of themselves to provide that love... tough as that role is... sometimes even a tougher role than the person with the unreliable mind.

I wish the best results possible for all involved.

originally posted by: IAMTAT
a reply to: BigBrotherDarkness

He's currently on an up-scaling dosage of Seroquel and has recently (yesterday) received a large dose of Respertol.

woah.
that brings a lot of things into the light.
seroquel is no joke man. that is a HEAVY hitter.

positive bi polar is the diagnosis? nothing else?
bi polar mixed or not otherwise specified?

that alone makes me re think some of my replies to you...
he is on the big boys thats for sure....

originally posted by: IAMTAT
a reply to: BigBrotherDarkness

He's currently on an up-scaling dosage of Seroquel and has recently (yesterday) received a large dose of Respertol.

I want to acknowledge your courage for posting this family matter on ATS, sometimes people can be compassion-less D-bags here.

Brother I'm not sure what is going on these days, but the uptick in people having mental breakdowns, and the ability to cope with life is overwhelming.

When things get overwhelming for me personally I check myself into nature for a couple of weeks, no cell, no electronics, no nothing except just a complete mental reboot. We seem to be so pressured to perform in this make-shift reality that we consider normal, but normal is subjective for each person.

I think we will see more and more people adjust their lifestyle, the days where people thought a big house, new cars, and bling were extremely important are coming to a fast close. We have really lost touch with connection to nature, each other, with ourselves, and I truly believe this is the culprit for breakdowns.

The madness that we are pumped full of daily 24/7 is absolutely pure social engineering to a specific unsustainable way of life.

How do I know this? Well decades ago I gave of TV/cable, so the only source of info I get is the ones I choose online. When I happen upon regular TV programs, commercials, and broadcasts at peoples houses it's almost completely overwhelming.

I typically think "How the F### can people listen to this for even ten minutes?"

So this coupled with a toxic work schedule, and poor nutrition can set anyone off, in my opinion. Taking a few pills, and listening to a shrink may not solve the problems, I think a lifestyle change is in order as well.

Good luck to you and your family this young man is very lucky to have you.

I won't bother to go into any details of the people I have known with this disease, you have enough people who have shared their experiences of the people they know. The wedding is obviously going to happen no matter what anyone tells them. You now have glimpses into what your daughter may be facing in the future, so all we can do is be here for you when you need us and there is turmoil. Be prepared, it can be a roller coaster of a ride. Much luck to your Step-Daughter and her future Husband!

Love isn't always rational, so I don't think her reading any of this thread will deter her. I know you will be there to help pick up the broken pieces for her.

Wish I could have left a more positive message for you Hun.

a reply to: Night Star

Thank you, Night Star.

Thank you to everyone.

Ordered the wedding booze today...extra bottle of Laphroaig for myself.

a reply to: IAMTAT

Extra bottle of what? LOL