I need help everyone please.

a reply to: DarkStarRising

So this is your STEPson, this makes much more sense.

My sympathies too you, raising stepkids was the hardest thing I ever went through. I hope your marriage makes it.

Hang in there.

a reply to: DarkStarRising

Your son (step-son?) is disrespecting you unfortunately, and it sounds like his birth father was no role model.
You're basically screwed, my friend.

He needs counselling (obviously been traumatized and using the "suicide card").
Your wife is coddling him but needs to realize that he is a full blown adult whether he acts like one or not.

I don't know if any of our advice is helping you, but hopefully it's a relief to talk to us about it.

I'm curious, how would you be handling this situation if you were NOT disabled? The old you that you used to be? Would you still be putting up with this abuse?
jacy

originally posted by: DarkStarRising

originally posted by: DarkStarRising

originally posted by: Ghost147

originally posted by: Sahabi
a reply to: DarkStarRising

When a child is of legal age and wants to chest-bump you in your own house about your own rules,... it's time to push them out of the tree nest and encourage them to open their wings and fly.

See, I don't exactly agree with this.

It wasn't clarified in the OP that his son was informed of any rules in the first place.

And A 21 year old, adult, marine was yelled at for having sex.

Of course the son isn't going to take that response well.

Was the son in the right? No of course not. But he may not have realized what he was doing was disrespectful in the first place.

Was the OP in the right? From what we can tell so far, no he was not. That reaction isn't going to positively effect the situation, its going to severely worsen it and his relationship with his son (this coming from experience)

Kicking the son out for doing what adults do is not an option. It would be highly likely for the OP and the son to damage their relationship with eachother for years to come.

The best course of action is to talk, like adults, explain why doing that on your fathers house isn't appropriate, what can be done instead, and to show that the OP UNDERSTANDS where his son is coming from, but that there are better places to do that.

Shunning him, treating him like a child, and kicking him out means you and your son may not be talking for the next couple of years

we have tried that please read all my posts this boy has been claiming to be the anticrist for the last 8 years. His real father is in jail for having sex with his our sons 9 year old step sister right in front of him on the couch. He says thing like she is mine even if I have to kill anyone who gets in the way. He is showing every sign of being a sexual predator just like his biological father. Then he pulls crap like this and tells me mine and his mother's feeling don't matter that we can fyck off.

and now he has done the same exact thing on my couch in front of me with her and has told me that I don't have the right to be upset.

I am truly afraid for him. His mother is manic depressive bipolar with psyco tendencies his father is in jail for multiple counts of rape on a minor under 14 and he was a witness to all of it.

Every thing he is doing is a sign of a social disorder and the things he is saying sounds like an abusive sexual predator. And the worst part is he thinks the hole thing is funny and keeps making wise cracks on how he is going to tie her down to the couch next time.

How am I supposed to react to this guy's. I'm 41 and was raised by an old fashion Kentucky hillbilly. I am the way I am.

a reply to: jacygirl

Entirely accurate.

The whole situation has changed from the viewpoint expressed in the OP. Update it please, or you'll get more irrelevant comments (like my first few which no longer apply, as this situation is far different than what the OP makes it appear)

originally posted by: jacygirl
a reply to: DarkStarRising

Your son (step-son?) is disrespecting you unfortunately, and it sounds like his birth father was no role model.
You're basically screwed, my friend.

He needs counselling (obviously been traumatized and using the "suicide card").
Your wife is coddling him but needs to realize that he is a full blown adult whether he acts like one or not.

I don't know if any of our advice is helping you, but hopefully it's a relief to talk to us about it.

I'm curious, how would you be handling this situation if you were NOT disabled? The old you that you used to be? Would you still be putting up with this abuse?
jacy

The old me would have probably left. I'm stuck here in it. My wife gets out of it for work. But I have nowhere to go.

a reply to: Ghost147

The op has repeatedly expressed that this 21 year old ADULT is disrespectful and unruly when confronted with the rules and conflict of interest.

Because our modern culture wants to nurse and suckle offspring until they are 30 does not change the fact that a 21 year old is a cognitive adult. Here in the U.S., it was not but a generation or two ago where even a 16 year old was responsible and respectful enough to carve out a living, a home, and a family for themselves.

I am not suggesting to kick the ADULT out for being a natural carnal human,.... but rather,.... because he is beyond adulthood and is making demands against the man of the house.

We do not walk into a grocery store, courthouse, or church and demand them to change and cater to us. No!!! When we are someplace that belongs to someone else, we respect the rules of the land.



P.S.

I see you've changed your stance from your original opinion of the matter.

a reply to: Ghost147

Agreed.

This thread has twisted in ways I did not expect, and it keeps getting darker, damn.

Sorry OP, My instincts, after your last post are to tell you to give your wife an ultimatum....your with me or your with your son and I'm gone.

Sorry

a reply to: DarkStarRising

(Thanks Ghost, nice to see you!!)

DarkStarRising...You need professional help. Not you personally, but some type of intervention or assistance. (medical? therapist? counsellor?)

Your entire family is in crisis sadly, and I don't believe you can fix this by yourself.
The members participating here are genuinely trying to help, but we aren't close by and can only offer words.

I wish I knew what to say but I think somebody from the outside (not family) needs to be made aware of what's going on, and your step-son's potential future abuse of a minor.
jacy

originally posted by: Ghost147
a reply to: jacygirl

Entirely accurate.

The whole situation has changed from the viewpoint expressed in the OP. Update it please, or you'll get more irrelevant comments (like my first few which no longer apply, as this situation is far different than what the OP makes it appear)

I do apologise for not having any of that in there. Was trying not to bring the hole situation out as I just don't understand how this is possible. I have done nothing but be good to this boy. When his dad went to jail I was the one that ended up picking him up and taking care of him. I love him like he is my own.
That is the reason the way he is doing me is hurting me so badly.

originally posted by: jacygirl
a reply to: DarkStarRising

Your son (step-son?) is disrespecting you unfortunately, and it sounds like his birth father was no role model.
You're basically screwed, my friend.

I would like to think that no matter what the situation is that our way of being can be a positive influence on the people around us.

a reply to: dfnj2015

Death brings new life. Destruction brings new creation. And struggle brings about growth and development.

Pushing a 21 year old to grow up, be responsible, and provide for themselves is a LOT more positive and constructive than allowing them to stagnate in their parent's basement perpetually playing Call of Duty video games.



P.S.

What bird will fly without being pushed out of the nest? What male wolf will create their own pack if not kicked out by the alpha? What bear will hunt and mate on their own if not pushed away by their mother?

originally posted by: DarkStarRising

originally posted by: Ghost147
a reply to: jacygirl

Entirely accurate.

The whole situation has changed from the viewpoint expressed in the OP. Update it please, or you'll get more irrelevant comments (like my first few which no longer apply, as this situation is far different than what the OP makes it appear)

I do apologise for not having any of that in there. Was trying not to bring the hole situation out as I just don't understand how this is possible. I have done nothing but be good to this boy. When his dad went to jail I was the one that ended up picking him up and taking care of him. I love him like he is my own.
That is the reason the way he is doing me is hurting me so badly.

Taking him in was the right decision to make.

However, he is not going to feel the same way about you as you do about him. From what I can tell now, he is expressing very strong Sociopathic tendencies: Manipulation of you and your wife, constant lying, overstepping social norms, living a parasitic lifestyle, among other traits likely to exist that you haven't mentioned yet.

His younger life is dark, he doesn't view you or his mother as a parent because in his development, there was no such thing as what you and I know as parenting. There were only monsters, and that has shaped him to be the person he is.

From how you've described his girlfriend, if those traits are actually true (not that you've lied, but it may not be the truth that you were told) - recent suicide in her relationship, just came out of the hospital, so on and so forth - then the only reason your son is with her is because she is unbelievably vulnerable and an easy target. He's using her, which is yet another sociopathic trait.

I've interviewed well over 40 people with Antisocial Personality Disorder (which is what psychopaths and sociopaths are labeled under) and over 13 pedophiles, 3 of which were convicted child molesters. I'm telling you right now, he's not going to change, get out by kicking him out.

Yes, it's going to be hard on you and your wife.

Yes, you're going to feel guilty

But this is a type of individual you do not want in your life.

You may feel like you're abandoning him, but you're not. You're just looking out for you and your family, and I promise you that if you don't, he will do things that will ruin your life and the people you care about.

a reply to: DarkStarRising

Pics or it didn't happen/sarc


While your rule is out of the norm, if it worked for so many years, good. Sounds like it needs modification, your son is 21 and does not understand why you have the rules you and your wife have.

Maybe time for a for real conversation on what is and isn't OK. Try not to burn down your relationship. But remember you (and your wife) run this show, not him, not the GF,

a reply to: DarkStarRising
I've never understood the way people cave to their kids, especially kids that are grown, maybe it's because I don't have kids yet. I would tell him to either respect your rules or GTFO, if he tells you the rules don't apply to him then kick him out out and if he refuses call the cops and he will learn real quick that the rules DO apply to him. And as for driving them around make them walk if it's too far to walk make them call an Uber if that's too expensive then tell them they are SOL.

a reply to: DarkStarRising

21 and still living with you? Time to go man.

a reply to: dfnj2015

He's not a child he's 21 he's an adult that is going to have to learn that the world has a lot of things in store for him that are much worse than his dad telling him to follow the rules.

Let him know that at 21 he is an adult and that you don`t have any legal obligations to him anymore. if he doesn`t live by your rules in your house you`ll have law enforcement remove him from the property.
if momma doesn`t like that, kick her out too because obviously you and her have completely different values and morals and aren`t really compatible anyways.
once a child turns 18 the parent has no legal obligation to do anything for that child,allowing an adult child to live in your house isn`t a right, it`s a privilege that you are extending to them.if they refuse to live by your rules that privilege can be revoked at anytime and enforced by legal means if necessary.

every time he threatens suicide I would call the police and have him hauled off for an involuntary 72 hour commitment for a psychological evaluation.

honestly, he sounds like a mentally unstable savage and it`s probably only a matter of time before he resorts to violence to get what he wants.

originally posted by: Ghost147

originally posted by: Sahabi
a reply to: DarkStarRising

When a child is of legal age and wants to chest-bump you in your own house about your own rules,... it's time to push them out of the tree nest and encourage them to open their wings and fly.

See, I don't exactly agree with this.

It wasn't clarified in the OP that his son was informed of any rules in the first place.

And A 21 year old, adult, marine was yelled at for having sex.

Of course the son isn't going to take that response well.

Was the son in the right? No of course not. But he may not have realized what he was doing was disrespectful in the first place.

Was the OP in the right? From what we can tell so far, no he was not. That reaction isn't going to positively effect the situation, its going to severely worsen it and his relationship with his son (this coming from experience)

Kicking the son out for doing what adults do is not an option. It would be highly likely for the OP and the son to damage their relationship with eachother for years to come.

The best course of action is to talk, like adults, explain why doing that on your fathers house isn't appropriate, what can be done instead, and to show that the OP UNDERSTANDS where his son is coming from, but that there are better places to do that.

Shunning him, treating him like a child, and kicking him out means you and your son may not be talking for the next couple of years

You're right he shouldn't kick him out for doing what adults do he should kick him out for being disrespectful and taking advantage of the person that raised him... which is not something adults do.

a reply to: Ghost147

Awesome reply, Ghost.

Being a great and loving step-parent does not mean you will get love or respect in return, sadly.
You have done the right thing and now you are paying for what the others have done to this man/boy.
(emotionally he is young, still at the age that the trauma occurred)

I understand having no place to go and being dependent. Completely.

But you need some help, someone on your side...from the outside. Not family.
Start looking for local resources, free counselling for yourself...see what is available.

I am truly sorry that you are now in this situation. Please feel free to message me anytime, or drop by the current Shed thread where loving support is always on tap!
jacy

a reply to: DarkStarRising

DSR...

Listen, this one is both simple and complicated, all at once.

Your solution to the age old trust problem, is bad. You need to trust one another, not create arbitrary rules which hamper normality, so that you can trust one another.

Furthermore, if you have a third adult in the house, it may well be an idea to reign in your rules focus. I am not saying that you ought to do that because having rules is wrong, but I am saying that you are going to damage your sons development, by failing to respect that his needs as a man are at least as important as your desires as a parent, probably a little more so as it happens, but there you go.

On the other hand, his lady ought to have known better than to wear see through clothing around his parents. So there is an awful lot going on here, but please, for the love of all thats good in the world, do not go about thinking you have this parenting thing nailed down. If your walls are thin, and your son has his lady over, go out for the night, you and your wife.

Now, as for the "having sex right in front of me" thing... How, precisely did that come about?

Are you saying that they were in the same room? Was there actual intercourse, or are you being overly dramatic so all the mothers and fathers on the boards will side with you? Did you walk in on them, walk into your sons room without permission to do so, which would make anything you saw your own stupid fault, or what?

As I say, its complicated, because yes, its your house, and therefore its your rules. But you have to understand something. Unless your boy is very lucky, he could end up living at your place for a great deal of time. Money is hard to come by for young people these days, places to live cost more than most young people can afford, and the tendency these days is to live at home well into ones thirties, if not later. Are you suggesting that he should wait until he has moved out of home, before having any sexual intercourse of any kind, no matter how old he gets in between now and being able to afford it? Because if so, I think that would probably count as some sort of violation of human rights law.

You are absolutely right to insist upon some standards, but you need to make sure that your trust issues in your relationship, the shoddy way you have dealt with those issues (the creation of outrageously arbitrary rules, rather than, you know, actually trusting one another), and your unreasonable expectations of your sons ability to make his own nest (which is a functional impossibility for a great many hard working young people all over the developed world, as a result of an economy ruined by people your generation voted for, by the way), do not damage your sons development.

And if you want sense out of him, rather than "I AM 21 NOW DAD, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!", you might want to not walk into his room when he is mid way through the horizontal rumba. Just a thought.