I need help everyone please.

Good morning all. I am trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do. Me and my wife have had a rule for the last 18 years that has kept our marriage safer. We decided that it would be best for us if we set up our house hold to where when she is not home no woman is allowed in our house and when I'm not home there where no other men allowed in house. Our friends and family only came by when we were both home.
As of right now our youngest is 21 and still under our roof. A week ago I broke the rule for him to allow his girl friend to come and spend the night at our house. My thank you for this was for this girl to make me extremely uncomfortable as she came straight in our house the first time went straight to his room and changed into a see through nighty and panties. Now I am uncomfortable so I stay in my room most of the day because of this. Then that night they decide it doesn't matter that I'm awake and 15 feet away from them and have sex right in front of me.
I exploded. He disrespected me and my home.
And now I'm being told that it doesn't matter if I'm uncomfortable with the situation that I have no right to say anything because he is 21. I don't want this girl anywhere around me as I am to embarrassed to even look at this girl considering I've seen everything she has. Am I wrong for being uncomfortable and upset. Because so far that's all I've been told. That I shouldn't feel this way and that I'm wrong. Please help me

a reply to: DarkStarRising

My goodness, what's going on in the world this morning?!
Listen, your house your rules...regardless.
You and your wife pay the bills? Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
Your house your rules.
And yes, it IS disrespectful IMO.

a reply to: DarkStarRising

if you needed this " rule " to " keep your marriage safe " then i am not surprsised that your sons GF has pushed you off the deep end - really - get a grip

a reply to: DarkStarRising
Ask yourself why you feel so uncomfortable...

a reply to: DarkStarRising

If you feel this way, you feel this way. There's no right or wrong in feelings.
They either respect that and act accordingly or can fo, imho.

Hate to suggest it, because I know I wish my dad would have let my sons father spend the night when we were younger, but maybe tell him, if he's old enough to make demands like that, hes old enough to live on his own. No more girlfriend in the house, if they can't manage the simple act of respecting you. Hes 21, he can work, he can afford a night at a hotel.

I would also maybe discuss appropriate sleep over wear when they are in a parents home and not their own dwelling. At least, what you would be comfortable with. "Hey, if you're lady friend stays the night, she can't be prancing around here in lingerie, house rules. Don't like it, get an apartment and be as freaky as you want"

-Alee

a reply to: DarkStarRising

I agree with the "Your house your rules" sentiment.

A 21-year old is an adult. Take the girl to a motel room, geez...how inappropriate.

As for your household rules, I think it shows a lack of trust (or at the very least fear) and that's not entirely healthy for your relationship. Trust is supremely important.

That girl is not respecting you, or herself for that matter.
Put your foot down now before this escalates.
jacy

originally posted by: DarkStarRising
Good morning all. I am trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do. Me and my wife have had a rule for the last 18 years that has kept our marriage safer. We decided that it would be best for us if we set up our house hold to where when she is not home no woman is allowed in our house and when I'm not home there where no other men allowed in house. Our friends and family only came by when we were both home.
As of right now our youngest is 21 and still under our roof. A week ago I broke the rule for him to allow his girl friend to come and spend the night at our house. My thank you for this was for this girl to make me extremely uncomfortable as she came straight in our house the first time went straight to his room and changed into a see through nighty and panties. Now I am uncomfortable so I stay in my room most of the day because of this. Then that night they decide it doesn't matter that I'm awake and 15 feet away from them and have sex right in front of me.
I exploded. He disrespected me and my home.
And now I'm being told that it doesn't matter if I'm uncomfortable with the situation that I have no right to say anything because he is 21. I don't want this girl anywhere around me as I am to embarrassed to even look at this girl considering I've seen everything she has. Am I wrong for being uncomfortable and upset. Because so far that's all I've been told. That I shouldn't feel this way and that I'm wrong. Please help me

I would use the technique of "water on rock" to influence him. Say to him very gently, "I would prefer that you do not engage in sexual activities in my house. I don't know why but it bothers me." And if he listens great. If not, then ask him again very gently. Keep asking him until he complies. Water on rock is very powerful!

Your son needs to be out on his own. He has no self respect or little for you or his girlfriend. Its time for the little birdie to fly.

Seriously, you don't trust yourself or your wife and vice versa enough to let people over if you or her arent there
Sounds like you have some serious trust and self control issues

I guess if it works

Sounds like rebellion, sometimes when you make strange rules somebody is going to throw the shackles

Anyway, it's your house

Woah.

I would give him a hiding, no matter how old he is. My house, my kids, my rules.

I would then teach him some morals and boundaries with regards to acceptable behavior.

As for Little Miss swanning in like she owns the place? I would put her in her place too. If they don't like it they can go elsewhere.

We need that asshole in us to come out every now and then so people don't walk all over us. However, as another poster mentioned, what environment has your son been brought up in that makes him believe sex in front of dad is ok?

originally posted by: jacygirl
a reply to: DarkStarRising

I agree with the "Your house your rules" sentiment.

A 21-year old is an adult. Take the girl to a motel room, geez...how inappropriate.

As for your household rules, I think it shows a lack of trust (or at the very least fear) and that's not entirely healthy for your relationship. Trust is supremely important.

That girl is not respecting you, or herself for that matter.
Put your foot down now before this escalates.
jacy

.
Me and my wife made some mistakes our first couple years that accidentally caused use to almost seperate. We had people all around us trying to start stuff. Mostly family as they didn't like the fact that we were together. We agreed the only way to stop the BS that was being poored on us was to make this rule. That way no one could say that anything was going on and our problems became our own instead of being controlled by others. Our marriage is stronger because we pushed the he said she saiders out our door.
Now I'm being told the rule doesn't apply. I'm disabled so I am at this house most of my time. Now I have to close myself in my room when ever she is here and what is worse is they neither one have a car so I'm being forced into shoufer them every where they go. For one these two had not seen each other even one day in 8 years and this girl's boyfriend just committed suicide last month. She was in the hospital afterward for a moth. Came out of hospital and came straight to our house which she had never met us before and this was the way she acted in our house on the first day she met us.
My wife won't let me say anything as she is afraid out soon will get mad and leave.
So I asked her last night. Your telling a marine he has no say in his own house and expecting him to be ok with that. I'm so mad at this situation I don't know where to turn. Maybe i am just crazy. Maybe I am the one that's wrong. Idk. All I know is I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to handle the situation.

I'm a little confused as to what your first rule regarding your own marriage has anything to do with your son having a girl over?

As for what your son did, yes he's an adult now, but that's just it... adults have sex. In my opinion it was a bit naive to think they wouldn't do that.

I'm not sure if you mentioned it previously to him, some kind of rule that directly states "no sex in the house", but again, he's an adult, adults have sex.

Your reaction -exploding on situation- is definitely not going to help anything. Because in his eye your treating him like a child, and expected nothing more than pillow fights that night between two kids.

If you didn't want sex in your house, it should have been mentioned beforehand. Tell him to get a hotel next time.

But, I'm still wondering why this case counts towards not having a woman at the house when your wife's not home rule

a reply to: DarkStarRising

Okay hun, I understand more now.

Your wife needs to cut the apron strings and let your son grow up (and move out...move on...be his own man).
I raised a son, I speak from experience. Raising a Momma's Boy is not doing him any favours.

Being also disabled (back injury), I am somewhat dependent on my partner. I understand you not wanting to ruffle your wife's feathers...but they are definitely taking advantage of you here.

You need to be the adult here and insist that they either show some respect or take their shenanigans elsewhere. I would never want to hear my kids having sex and vice versa. Respect goes both ways...you're not getting your fair share.
jacy

I've been married 22 years without any rules like that.
Trust is a wonderful thing.

And kick some butt, it's your house and if someone doesn't respect your rules they ca get the hell out.

If she's hot I think you're gonna have to suck it up and deal with it, if she's not kick them both the hell out and rent the room out for extra money.

a reply to: Ghost147

I agree with everything you said.

a reply to: jacygirl

Maybe his son doesn't know the rules because this is the first time. I think first telling his son what the rules are would be the first step. But setting boundaries with someone is not something you do by punching them in the face metaphorically. I think if he wants his son to respect him he has to be respectful to his son. How do people learn how to be respectful if they've never seen anyone ever be respectful in their life?

a reply to: DarkStarRising

I have empathy and compassion for you; that you'd feel the need to seek parental advice on a conspiracy forum. That's not in ridicule or condescension, but rather, I feel for your burden of stress. I really do.

It is your son,... your family,... your house,... and YOUR RULES.

When a child is of legal age and wants to chest-bump you in your own house about your own rules,... it's time to push them out of the tree nest and encourage them to open their wings and fly.

a reply to: DarkStarRising

I'm disabled so I am at this house most of my time. Now I have to close myself in my room when ever she is here and what is worse is they neither one have a car so I'm being forced into shoufer them every where they go.

Ok, first, it's your house. YOU make the rules and no one should be telling you they're wrong. If your son and his girlfriend can't follow those rules, they need to go. Hiding in your own house? Seriously? Tell the little tramp to put some clothes on or get out. One poster was right on the money. Sometimes we need to let our asshole side take over, especially when your son and his GF are running right over you. You are not forced to take them anywhere.
STAND UP AND TAKE CHARGE.
As long as you let them get by with all this, they'll just keep taking advantage of it.
He's 21 and still at home? If he has a job, he needs to get his own apartment and SOON. If he doesn't have a job, he needs to get one and get the hell out SOON.