True Love or Settling? Have you done either? Are you being honest with yourself?

originally posted by: djbj597922
a reply to: RAY1990Lust wasn't part of it I think. Sure I loved the way she looked but that was nothing compared to her kindness. The way she always wanted to help others. The way she made being kind seem cool. I guess it was the whole package deal. Beautiful girl with a even more beautiful heart and soul.

I'm sure it must have been.

Every aspect of her was desirable.

It's something I failed to mention when I brought up my own example (we weren't dating the same girl where we? Lol) the fact that for a long time every aspect of her, everything I consider to be decent was embodied in that woman.

I got to see first hand what a real decent human being is, many failed to deliver after and being honest I pushed many a woman away like a Dutchman pushing bloated dead bodies away with a barge pole... Didn't want undesirables anywhere near my little boat I was sailing.

Weirdly enough she recently had a child and I'm probably more happy than I should be about this because I know it was a huge thing she always wanted. Anyways enough of that lol.

Consider the time with her a gift, it sounds like she made you a perceptive man whom asks a little more from people... Expects a little more?

Its a good thing, but so is continuing this path we all walk, you have to keep moving right?

Another cash song...



I hope your listening. I'm poorly making points here.

What will be will be, who's to say second, third or fourth chances can't happen... In this life or any other

originally posted by: ireadkerouac
a reply to: djbj597922

In the mortal words of Stephen Stills, "If you can't be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you're with."

Love that quote.

Youve got to be 40ish?

Keep looking. You probably will never "feel" like you did when your hormones were razor sharp. But, companionship is worth a lot. The day to day crap we all face wears on a person, chances are you wouldnt still have that butterfly feeling. Its just the way it is.

But dont give up on love. Im almost 60 and I gave up on relationships while raising my kids. Didnt want to deal with the step dad crap. Now that Im older, I kinda wish I had a companion. But, I cant seem to remember how to play that game. lol

a reply to: djbj597922

Then she moved away about 1100 miles. I flew to see her once she came back every summer and we would both end up together saying how much we loved each other. Then I found out I had a baby on the way with the girl I was with for the other 90% of the time.

This reads like you were cheating on your 'baby's momma'. Yet, you said earlier you'd never cheat yourself.

I don't ever think that type of love will ever hit me again. So do I try to be okay with something not of that magnitude in order to be with someone

I honestly don't know.

My first love so far has been far stronger than anyone i've been with since. I'm wondering if I have actually been in love with anyone since. I don't want to be alone, and yet I don't want to settle for less.

It's quite the conundrum this love thing.

I've had that over whelming feeling of love for a couple of women in my life time. You certainly don't forget that. I could have been with my college sweetheart, I had her for a while, but I never trusted that she felt the same for me as it was so intense, so I never totally went for it. When I think about it now, it probably would have ended in disaster esp. for my heart.

The thing that I come away from it all is that love is a dirty trick that nature plays on you, esp. when you are younger. Just give up on that intensity of love, it's basically insanity, most likely won't last beyond a few years of living together and will potentially lead to a bad end. Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

a reply to: djbj597922

So do I try to be okay with something not of that magnitude in order to be with someone (even though there still may be love) just not that mind altering once in a lifetime perfect love.

I can't give an answer.... only an opinion. You're only human so of course keep looking. BUT.... don't "settle." It's not so much you I'm concerned about as I'd be concerned for the person you "settled" for. That person may be all-in and may pick up over time that you aren't completely into her. That's not all that fair.

I also have to question what happens if you "settle".... THEN another woman comes along that creates that "spark" in your heart/mind.

a reply to: Lucid Lunacy

This reads like you were cheating on your 'baby's momma'. Yet, you said earlier you'd never cheat yourself.

That's how I read the posts as well.

a reply to: Mike Stivic

Would have expected no less from "Meathead" . True statement

Up till the time I met my wife , I felt I loved "many women" When I met my wife , I realized there was a difference between "love" and "in love"
38 years and goin strong

originally posted by: Gothmog
a reply to: Mike Stivic

Would have expected no less from "Meathead" . True statement

Cyberhugs for you gothie !

Sometimes, we need to stumble to gain the correct perspective.

I am but a man, willing to admit my faults.

And accept them....

Respectfully,
~meathead

a reply to: Mike Stivic

Dang at least you got the stones to man up and eat crow. You got my respect.

a reply to: djbj597922

Huh...

I would say the chances are that if you loved either one of the women in your life, you wouldn't have been messing about in your head with the other one for any reason, not even if she's smoking hot, ripping your clothes off you with her eyes the entire time, and bought a kit bag containing massage oil, spray cream and enough prophylactics to equip a sexual health department of a local hospital.

But what do I know? I am an obsolete model, a defunct design. I have been screwed over by every single person I have ever fallen in love with, so clearly, I have no idea what the hell it all means anymore.

Some find their soul mate,their true love the rest of us get this

a reply to: ireadkerouac I love that saying!

a reply to: TrueBrit I did what I think most people do. I loved my ex wife, so much that I got on my knees and begged her not to leave. Tried to remind her of all that we had built together. However, even though I truly had soooo much love for her deep down I was always true with myself. It wasn't as strong as for the girl I met that moved away for college. I know love can be learned but my whole point of this story is that once in a lifetime bond between two people where each person feels so amazingly strong. I still love my ex wife and talk to her on a regular basis and harbor no ill will. It just won't ever be the same fire that I had for what I believe to be "my one true love".

a reply to: Gothmog This is SO TRUE!!! I have always said that, however when my ex wife left I realized that you can grow to be IN LOVE with someone. Maybe its not that AT FIRST SIGHT love, but I was definitely IN LOVE with her by the end. With that being said, it still wasn't the level of IN LOVE I had for the girl that moved away.

a reply to: eluryh22 I can understand how it might read like that. Once my boy was born I made the REALLY HARD choice of telling my girl that moved away I can no longer see you or talk to you. I met my girl who moved away 1 year before I met my ex wife. I did cheat on my then girlfriend (ex wife) while we were dating. This went on for about 2 years. During this whole time we were only dating. It was a whole college thing. I can see how the post might read that way though. I was completely faithful to my ex once we realized we were going to have a child. BTW we didn't get married until my son was almost 2. Hope that clears it up just a bit.

a reply to: djbj597922

Perhaps it isn't settling, necessarily. Perhaps there are just many types and stages of love.

That old couple sitting in their easy chairs watching the evening news may lack the physical ability or initiative for the sexual gymnastics of youth but, do they love each other less? Or just differently now?

Does the young couple who can't eat or sleep for thinking of their desired, who can't seem to keep their hands off of one another due to the electricity running between them...are they more in love than the couple above?

I think now that love can ebb and flow and if one survives the ebb, then perhaps when the tide returns it is replaced with a different sort of fondness or endearment that pheromones and hormones and other types of olfactory instances can't parallel because they are different.

I don't know that the intense and mind altering 'spark' one feels, at rare times or in youth, is something that can be replicated as sometimes the stars align and people are so physically and mentally in tune at that moment, however briefly, that it can fizzle out just as quickly as it began. Does that mean the love was stronger? More passionate? Or simply that it burned faster for a shorter amount of time? Like a raging forest fire compared to our sun.

Perhaps it was never meant to be forever or it wouldn't have gone away in the first place. I think that we can, sometimes, romanticize our pasts and past lovers. I wonder, if we were given the opportunity to recreate the course of our lives, if those moments in time, that were so full of heightened passion and emotions, could have truly sustained our hearts over the years and endured the trials and adversities we all will face in a lifetime or is that type of love a selfish master who could not possibly share it's role with anyone else for years and years of our lives.

Perhaps that sort of love (if based only on those mind altering moments and intense passions that we may equate with true love) is a weak partner and lacks the strength and endurance to be steadfast and committed for more than those brief moments. Perhaps those types of love are only meant to be experienced for a short time as they serve their purpose while existing to shape and form our thoughts and desires about the different types of love we may experience. Perhaps we are not meant to dwell on those times but, rather take away what we've learned through experience and use that to guide us in our future.

Don't dwell on the fact that you may never find that type of love again, you may not. That isn't always a bad thing. Perhaps the love you do someday find will have components of all types of love and endure the test of time (years). I think for folks who find that forever, passionate and enduring type of love have learned to differentiate the stages and evolution of their love and find the rewards of their devotion worth any brief moments of nostalgia they may feel.

Sometimes people may have never been brought together to be wholly in each others lives forever, they were merely brought together at that moment in time that was needed. Perhaps the universe knows best?
Perhaps we should just breathe and listen to what is being told to our soul.

Good luck to you in your quest for love!


And, perhaps I'm full of it! I don't know if that 'forever' love exists but, I do hope you find it if you are needing it.

It's complicated.

Sometimes the answer is as simple as - Does that person that gives you all those feels get the same feels from you? Very often the answer is no.

99% of marriage is a wild concoction of right time, right circumstance, right chemistry that all act upon your senses to compel you down the aisle with what SEEMS like the right person.

I don't consider that settling. I consider that blessed if it works out.

Sure, some precious few people marry the person who made them feel lighter than air and like they walk on water and, if they are lucky, that person feels the same about them but it's rare. Like Bigfoot rare. And that doesn't have to mean that other types of marriages are doomed to failure or unhappiness.

I can't imagine not being with the woman who bore my children. I owe it to her and to my child.