I am close to walking away from my family....How about some advice ATS

a reply to: DeathSlayer

DeathSlayer,

One of the hardest lessons I have ever learned in my life so far, is that sometimes you have to be able to take a scalpel to your life, and excise the things that are toxic to you from it. I did that with my father, and I have done that with others who have made my life less than tolerable, and although it is a savage blow to realise the necessity of it, once time has passed after the excision, one tends to see the benefit of it.

That being said, this is only worth doing if every other option has been explored, because very much like a serious operation on the flesh, taking a knife to your life and cutting damaged parts out, is only really viable in the most extreme cases, where there is no hope of reconciliation, where no possibility exists for any positive alteration in the situation.

And here is the thing. Its one thing to have one toxic person in your midst, but several? I have to ask, why is it that your daughter behaves like she does? From whence comes her aggression, her desire to barb you and cause you grief? It is all very well to say that some of these things she may get from you, but these things are not genetic, so what happened between you two, that she refuses to treat you decently?

And your wife... you realise, there may be all manner of reasons that she does not desire communion with you, which have almost nothing to do with you yourself, and all of them to do with her? She may be experiencing certain issues relating to female health, a collapsed hormone count, or even significant depression of her own. Have you explored these things, or tried to with her, verbally? Have you sat her down and straight out asked her about her health, how shes feeling, whats bugging her?

I only ask these questions, mostly to prompt you to act if you have not. If you have and the answers you have received are clearly nonsense or flim flam, then perhaps it is time to eject yourself from the scenario all together, but I must warn you, that if you leave when you could have done otherwise, you will not forgive yourself. While being prepared to take up the blade and carve the life you want out of the raw stuff you are given to work with, you must also be prepared to try to rescue what you can before making the first cut.

I don't recommend leaving at this point, but rather taking a break. By that I mean . . . walk away for about three months or so. If you were in US, i'd recommend going somewhere like SF and bumming it. If in Europe, just grab a bag and go. etc...

a reply to: DeathSlayer


Ummm...Don't sugar coat it huh...?

Are you Sure...?

Ok...here goes...

Stop being such a damned pussy...you have the good grace to wake up every morning in the midst of being alive...and you let others define who you are and how you emote...

For Gods sake...grow a pair...Get the hell up out of that comfort zone in hell that you've carved out for yourself...and lay there no more...

Perhaps nothing seems fair...or right...but there were never any guarantees now were there...

What you found ten years ago is still right where you left it...waiting for you to find it all over again...stop being a petulant child...and get off your arse...
Stand up and BE who you always were anyways...Set aside angst and regret...pick up that reality of family and let all the nonsense fall away...

There aren't any do-overs...now then... go make it right...it's only one small decision away...




YouSir

a reply to: DeathSlayer

You are right where you're supposed to be. What strength of spirit and character you must have to have endured all the slings and arrows of life and still keeping on. What a success story, a ripe old age, a family raised, endured intense physical pain from multiple health issues.

I can't even imagine what it must take to suffer the insufferable, endure the un endurable, somehow you've done it. Just a little further to go and you will get there.

Your daughter sounds afraid, forgive her, sometimes that fear is expressed in anger. The medical industrial complex will try to keep you alive as long as possible. I've watched old friends pass on in their clutches, have to forgive them as well, they are just doing their job. The Future is uncertain for everyone.

You are right where you are supposed to be, this is the difficult time, hang in there, the road is almost finished.

It sounds like you may be saying something to your daughter that triggers her. I suspect you may know what that is, but you say it anyway? If you really wanted to avoid issues with her, you could just not say anything other than, "Hey, nice to see you" and that's about it. You could try the "if I can't say something nice, I won't say anything at all" attitude for a while and see if she becomes calmer around you.

Regarding the wife - menopause can really do a number on women's libidos. Do you think that could be the issue? Honest conversation with her about that would be the best course, in my opinion.

Gosh I really wish I had some good advice. If you decide to come back to the states, I'll adopt you and you can be my dad.

It would personally kill me to know you walked out of your grandsons life willingly. It's one thing if your daughter decides to forbid contact, but....I say you stick it out, and put up with her nonsense and here is why:

My papa was the most important man in my whole life and he died 2 months ago. When my father was beating me in his alcoholic rages as a young woman, I had a place to run to, and a man to call. I had a man to guide me and show me how men with honor and integrity behave and handle their issues. He was a man who had to reteach me how to respect myself, and demand respect from others. When I turned 18 and my dad drug me out of the house by my hair, my grandfather gave me a roof over my head for 5 years....he made sure I went to college, or had a job.

I just can't imagine anyone not getting a chance to grow up with their grandpa, when their grandpa is alive. we don't get a whole lot of time as it is, and 25 years certainly will never be enough for me. Please don't do that to your grandbaby.

And maybe ask your wife if you can at least have a girlfriend, geeze..... I know you said you're religious and everything and don't believe in adultery but... Something something, God forgives all his children, something something? Am I getting that wrong?

I can feel your distress through your post.

But seriously the grandson thing. Don't do that to him, he'd never understand.

I can't type any more, the thought of someone losing their grandparent in their life through no fault of their own is causing my throat to swell up to the point where I can hardly breahte, and my eyes to sting.


Wishing you the best no matter what.



-Alee

Understand, from what I can see it sounds like you and everyone around you has a basket of issues that need to be worked through.

The tough part is that you can only work on your issues, but it seems like the daily drama of dealing with everyone else is getting in the way of that. PTSD and bipolar disorder are both psychological with bipolar disorder having a chemical component to it. Without getting those two under firm control, everything you perceive from everyone else is skewed. Not only that, but it may be impacting how well you are taking care of yourself physically. And even worse, it might be a factor in how they are reacting to you.

I don't know how Germany operates, but is there some way you could seek help for those two conditions and get yourself sorted thoroughly both mentally and physically? You know you can work on you and at the same time, it might just get you that break from the rest of the mob you need right now. You don't need to leave them necessarily, but you might need a break from them and their issues in order to deal with yours.

Can't you take a look at the words you've written and see the depressive state oozing out?

Understand, I am in no way saying all the problems are yours and yours alone. Very often, everyone has their problems and they are all reacting and making each other worse, but if you can get yourself sorted so that you know for sure what is and isn't you, then you know for sure what is and isn't them. Do you see? Then you will surely know where you can either work on things or need to avoid them.

And I suggest this because you are the only person you can control. You can't change them, not unless they want to change. So the easiest place to start is inside your own personal house. Do some deep prayer with God and see what He tells you about that. You already know you've had to surrender once. You might have to do so again in order to change some outlooks with your family.

The gut.

Go with that

I won't say I feel bad for you but I do sympathize with you and your....situation. We spend so much time throughout our lives trying to please and give as much as we can to the ones we love that we tend to forget about the most important person in our lives: ourselves.

It's hard to put ourselves first, especially when it comes to our children, but your daughter is her own separate being from you. At some point, you and her both need realize that you don't HAVE to agree on anything. You don't HAVE to get along at all, honestly. Seems to me that you are fighting with her because, well, she's yours and you can't give that up. But she's fighting with you because sometimes, just sometimes, kids grow up to be stubborn, disrespectful, SELFISH jerks that only want to see things their way. When that happens, after you've tried about as much you can just to keep that line of blood that connects you to her from snapping, the only thing left to do is cut it loose yourself. Turn your back on them and show them nothing else but your silence. Doing this will force them to take a good long hard look and listen at themselves.

When our children grow up and begin making their own decisions we can only do so much for them anymore. It's OK to be there for them if need be, but you CAN NOT let her personal issues that make her so angry become YOUR personal issues. You can not let her tear you down to where you see death as a.....release!!!........

The only time that's acceptable is when you have no other choice. When you embrace death because it's the only other form of life that you have to grasp onto...

But, considering how you have just beaten CANCER, that even though you may be old, creaky and not as limber as you once were in your twenties, which is common by the way , I have no doubt in my mind that you still have many years of enjoyment and HAPPINESS to spend here. You just need to focus on YOURSELF for once.... Think long and hard about what makes YOU happy and DO THAT.

If that means leaving the ones you've been trying to make happy behind, then so be it. They're obviously not happy either.

I hope I'm not just rambling. That maybe my words have hit a chord within you. I'm only giving out what I learned myself in dealing with my father. Don't want to go into THAT but basically, I had to turn my back on him completely and without hesitation or showing signs of remorse. For my own sake I couldn't have him in my life AT ALL. It took time on his part but he eventually admitted his faults and promised change but some people just can't change.

Hopefully you will have a better outcome when it comes to you and your daughter or you and your wife. But even if you don't, I can promise you that letting go of the negative influences in your life bring so much more JOY and personal enlightenment than holding on to what you know to be comfortable; routine.

I apologize again for going on and on and on and on lol I just hope you can see that your life is worth so much more than the easy option you see laid out.

a reply to: DeathSlayer

1. Consult a good divorce lawyer. You are a human being , you have needs. You need to put yourself 1st.
lack of sex can cause depression. Lack of intimacy from your spouse is a sign that you both need to move on.
Consult a good divorce lawyer !
Who looks out for you ? YOU !

2. Fractured relationships with family are a bittersweet part of life
your daughter will eventually change like you did
make sure your still about when that happens.
spend more time with your son , he might be as unhappy as you are
you can help each other.

3. Your Wife sounds controlling , Consult a good divorce lawyer.
Pensions are low it's pretty despicable, someone has suggested
places where it costs less to live, maybe research that.

4. Yes death is a release to some
Yes you are in pain but YOU have other avenues
to pursue 1st , before you consider death as an option
people you need to love
people you need to see grow up
happiness you need to achieve

5. Why you are still here...?
" To Love and too be Loved "

if you do feel like leaving it all behind
come to Tamil Nadu take Theekshai and
wonder off into the woods to be a Siddhar
so many unhappy men have reclaimed their
true happiness doing this.
if you want details PM me

a reply to: yeahsurexxx

Um, no offense, but

The gut. 

Go with that

may not be the best advice choice in his circumstances. Considering the suicidal thoughts, I'm sure that's a pretty deep gut feeling...

Simple..

Enjoy life and just smile at your problems..

Is your heart still beating ? yes
Keep it that way as long you can

Problem is you need to worry about yourself too, all due respect I'm a bit of an A-hole. F*** everyone you have given your life for them enjoy yours. as far as your wife from the little bit you gave she needs to put her part for the marriage too if not then let her get mad she clearly doesn't give a Sh** if you are

Rough situation OP.

You cannot fix your relationship with your daughter. You cannot change that.

But you can change how you itneract with her.

If she comes over to have a screaming fight, you can just walk away?

If she tries to start something, don't let her, just shrug and ignore her?

I will answer everyone either later tonight or tomorrow.

Everyone has given me a lot to think about.

I knew ATS members are mostly straight shooters. EVERY post on this thread..... I appreciate.

Thank you

a reply to: DeathSlayer

Networkdude's advice is good.

Or rather than show her on here just write it down and say you've started writing down your thoughts. Maybe don't listen to me.

"She disrespects me and treats me like crap (most of the time) We constantly argue and insult each other. Before she got sick at age 15 this was never an issue but now at 34 it is.... She is full of hate and revenge. Why? Not sure .... she disagrees with most of anything that comes out of my mouth. She calls me a liar, she tells me to shut up, when we argue then she leaves and she has no contact with me or the family for months at a time. She can not forgive ANYONE. AND I use to be the exact person.....

Sorry to say, you have failed to make boundaries...... that seems apparent. Your physical health issues are bound to continue, and the likelihood of wellness fading.

I sympathize with you, though you made that clear it is of no consideration.

" I even pray to God for my death...."

Sometimes we outlive our health through no apparent fault of our own, I have seen the bottom too. It is a hard place to escape. But if you must live there, you need no one 'poking you with a stick' as it were.

Your very likely best avenue is to choose Not to Participate.... erect a boundary and both maintain it and be faithful to it yourself. This will save you further suffering at the hands of family.

a reply to: DeathSlayer

I could say it's similar to my situation with my father.

I am born on his birthday so he thinks I'm exactly like him. I know I am not. I had to have periods of separation to keep his negative attitude from effecting me. I eventually was able to confront him on past issues and then moved on. We established ground rules for interaction with my children ie: he can't put me down in front of them. I know I disappoint him career wise but I do think he approves of the way I raised my kids.
Parent and adult children relationships are difficult. But you need to do what's good for you. If people incite emotions that are influencing you negatively them do not allow them near you.
I am sorry about your health and other problems. Your relationship with your wife doesn't sound encouraging either but my personal view is that intimacy is crucial in a marriage. Without it you would feel alone and no one should feel like that unless that's what they want.

originally posted by: DeathSlayer
with PTSD (I think) if not bipolar? I am not 100% sure but online research in PTSD is basically me.

There's your problem.

The first thing you are told when taking psychology is to not take the class to try to fix yourself. I'd imagine its even worse for armchair psychologists looking it up online.

Even worse: diagnostics is only half of the problem. The other half is treatment. If you aren't being treated, then you likely are living a miserable life.

38 years? No, you don't walk away from that. Get some professional help to identify whatever it is effecting you and then mend those fences. 38 years, man. Just consider the investment already made.

a reply to: DeathSlayer

My heart and prayers go out to you. I was put in a similar situation with my family. I know how painful that is. But thankfully it wasn't my daughter; I cannot imagine how much more painful it is with a daughter, especially an adult daughter.

My best advice to you is the same as my best advice to myself: When it causes more trouble and pain to maintain a relationship than to walk away, then wish them well and walk away. No bridges have to be burned. No words of future regret have to be said. No ill will has to be wished. You don't even have to literally walk away; you can simply figuratively walk away and not let yourself be involved in certain issues. Play "Switzerland." Even if it is directly about you. Even as others discuss you and debate you and insult you. Tell them you're neutral and just don't engage. (They're going to think and believe as they want anyway, right? Save your energy for what really matters -- you.)

Then be good to yourself. Nurture your relationship with yourself. Whatever that is. And always remember that living well is the best revenge... so live well my friend, and brightest blessings to you.