I am close to walking away from my family....How about some advice ATS

Not sure how to start so please bare with me. I would never discuss this personal issue with strangers but here at ATS my identity is hopefully concealed. I want your advice and you don't need to put sugar on it.... and here at ATS most comments have no sugar. I don't think any advice would hurt as bad as what was revealed to me last night.... So go get some popcorn or a cup of coffee because this will be my most detailed ATS thread.... maybe ever. As I write this I can not believe I am going to discuss my personal life....

I think you need some background on me:

U.S American male living overseas.... close to 60 years old, married 38 years, two grown children (both over 30), one grandchild (5 years old), disabled veteran, with PTSD (I think) if not bipolar? I am not 100% sure but online research in PTSD is basically me. I am very protective of my family. My health is poor, currently recovering form a big surgery (Cancer), I have severe diabetes, losing my eyesight due to diabetes, high blood pressure, severe trauma to neck where I can no longer look up at the clouds, no feelings in my feet and now it is happening to both of my hands....

My childhood.... was a nightmare full of abuse.....and I mean abuse.... not just getting beatings...and I think this is when PTSD kicked in..... abck when I was 6 or 7 years old.

So before I get started..... I do NOT need anyone feeling sorry for me because it does nothing for me.... I understand their are many here at ATS are VERY compassionate and loving.

My daughter is the problem... She is very special to me. We almost lost her many times due to her illness. After 34 bags of blood and plasma, eight months in ICU, and numerous operations...she survived and is alive. This was ten years ago. She does not live with me.... down the road... AND she is just like me. She will never back down and has no fear. I am very proud of her. So where is the problem? Sge disrespects me and treats me like crap (most of the time) We constantly argue and insult each other. Before she got sick at age 15 this was never an issue but now at 34 it is.... She is full of hate and revenge. Why? Not sure .... she disagrees with most of anything that comes out of my mouth. She calls me a liar, she tells me to shut up, when we argue then she leaves and she has no contact with me or the family for months at a time. She can not forgive ANYONE. AND I use to be the exact person..... until I surrendered to God. (OK enough religion and I promise not to mention again in this thread)

I changed approx ten years ago..... Everyone who knows me sees the dramatic change. I learned how to forgive and forget, people who hate me.... believe or not I pray for them because I think it helps me and it does.

I can not take this abuse anymore and I am thinking of leaving.... something I had never thought of. Why? hmmm.

1. Wife stopped having sex when she turned 50..... that was 9 years ago and I don't believe in adultrey... so I do without.

2. My children are grown and they have little to no respect for me however my son is better and more understanding and forgiving. My son is divorced and his exwife lets my son and us see his child four days a month. I pay the child support for my grandson because my son is unemployed for years. My grandson is the most important thing. We spend thousands of dollars on our grandson every year.

3. Last time in USA was when I buried my father in 1994. Have not returned because of financial issues. Since the age of 18 I might have spent total 12 months in the states..... Why? Wife would divorce me because she never wants to go to the states so if I choose USA than I will be single. Another reason ..... been sick for ten years and I have a German insurance program and if I go back to USA not sure if I can afford any type of medical coverage. My retirement is low..... not enough (less than one thousand dollars a month) and I can not even work 3 hours a day.

Last night my daughter stopped by and again a big fight and NOW I am starting to realize I am not a priority in her life, in my wife's life and my grandchild and this is worse than torture for me. Now I am empty....and not sure what to do. I am not recovering from the operation as best as I led on and feel like puking just thinking about these issues.

I am not suicidal but wish for death every day. I know suicide is wrong and not the answer but I am close to losing my mind. Death for me would be a release. Down deep ..... between you and me..... I hope the cancer returns and this time it kills me. I am tired of this life. I even pray to God for my death.... (I know that is sick)

Right now I can not write anymore........

Brother, I can feel your pain just from reading this, and really don't know what advice TO give.

All I can do is tell you that in your position I think I would just make any peace I could( for what closure I could find) with whomever I could and look at moving on. You might find yourself better off just making some kind of a fresh start.

You have my best wishes , man. Things CAN get better, just remember that.

Peace and prayers and good luck to you and all involved.

Walking away is hard.....but if it's what you really, honestly want to do....do it. No one here knows exactly what you're going through and can't. We're not there to see the day to day grind you go through or feel what you feel. We can sympathize and many will. They'll tell you to pray or try to work things out, talk to the people you're having trouble with, but it sounds like you're past that point. If things really are as bad as you say, the best thing for you to do is go. You have nothing left to stay for and trying to "work things out" is just going to lead to more fighting, heartache and misery for you.
You don't have to come back to the U.S., just get away from those who are hurting you. Move to another town or far enough away in the same town, that you don't have contact with them.

I've done it. It's hard. It hurts. But in the end, it was what's best.

a reply to: DeathSlayer


Ok, one step at a time. When she flips out on you, remind yourself, this is her issue, not yours. Remind yourself, not to take it personally.

Don't argue back, silence, usually shows a person their own actions.

In all honesty, if she truly didn't want anything to do with you, you wouldn't see her.

PTSD and bipolar are tough to deal with, breathing and tapping techniques really work.

No idea what to do about your non sex life, maybe the men will have some advice there.

Hoping things improve for you.

a reply to: DeathSlayer

Sorry you are in that situation.

If you are truly tired take a break......go somewhere like I am living...the Philippines.
There are men here that are in their 60s and even 70s that have left their old lives behind and started New families here and the cost of living is very low.
Healthcare is not that bad for a 3rd world nation,there are many American ex pats here especially military...I think they even have a VA here.

Don't give up though mate...insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results....Just take a breath of fresh air somewhere....it doesn't have to be a permanent deal.

a reply to: DeathSlayer

you need some perspective. Do this, try to get better. (you have to believe it and want it) Change your scenery. Go to a coast or a lake. Watch the sun rise and set over the water. I have no idea how or why this works, but for me, seeing this brings me inner peace and helps me focus on things that need attention much better.

You already answered your issue with your daughter. She is just like you were. So the two of you will butt heads every time. But you won't be able to be apart for long.

Please, rather than give up, try my advise.

a reply to: DeathSlayer

Your words are heart wrenching. I have no advice other than you simply must do what's best for YOU now.
Your state of mind, your heart and your emotional/physical well being are all connected and very important. You are important.

I don't know about your health care there but, I can assure you it's not good here in the states.

I'm dealing with demons and haven't won the battle so I can't offer the solution and even if I had one, it would be mine and likely not help you.

Keep fighting as I believe it must be worth it, in the end.
Good luck, please keep in touch.

Walk away, make the move, go with what you need to do, don't hang on till it all falls down and breaks into a million pieces
Just don't give up on the relationship, see if leaving, saying its permanent, telling your family it's all to much, makes them reevaluate their priority should
Get relationship help, first by yourself and if possible, if reconciliation is possible, as a couple, as a family, get professional help

Try resolve the issue.
Separation, divorce in future is far more expensive than getting professional help now

Try something

Anyway, that's all I got, I could be wrong, contact someone who has dealt with these issues before
Your relationship isn't unique

Edit
That bit about not needing sympathy, that's bad news, you have problems, not needing people indicates you need real help
We were created for relationship not individualism
Maybe The problem stems from you, no judgement


Think about it

Sorry right now answering you guys is too hard so if you don't mind I want to remain silent - I want to hear what you guys have to say....

Thanks

I think honesty is your ticket to a better life my friend.

Be honest with yourself, your wife and children..

Talk to them individually and together.

As for your wife, tell her, let her know that you are a man with needs and intimacy is one of them.. express yourself to her and let her open up to you about your sex life or lack of.. Maybe its an insecurity on her part?

As for your daughter, connect with her on a personal level.. let her know you wish death upon yourself, let her feel your pain.. i sure as hell know if one of my parents said that to me id do anything to make it better.

If this plea falls on deaf ears, then follow through.. leave.. find solace in friends or your son. but dont live a life of regret and pain.

this is very unfair and i know your not here for sympathy so man up and be the man of the house and let them know they're out of line.

Running away is not an option, it will leave you with regrets and grudges. OPEN UP

Hope this finds you well!
Alex

Maybe you go but tell them why.

You'll be missed by them and the break may help.

Or maybe show your Mrs this thread? And your daughter.

Good luck.

originally posted by: and14263
Maybe you go but tell them why.

You'll be missed by them and the break may help.

Or maybe show your Mrs this thread? And your daughter.

Good luck.

If my family found out that I told you guys, my wife would throw me out of the house (that I bought), file for divorce and my family would probably never speak to me again. I know my wife and daughter would.

MODS: No matter what ..... if you could keep this thread off the top page I would appreciate it.

Death Slayer,
Does that sound like your daughter?

www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com...

2 years ago my wife was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. How you described your daughter instantly made me think of my wife.
If this is the case, there is a good website
bpdfamily.com...
It helped me learn how to cope with my wife's temper tantrums. Now I know how to talk to her with out setting her off. It really comes down to choosing your words very carefully. Because people with BPD tend to take everything to heart. Even if you meant to say I love you, someone with BPD could interpret it as something completely the opposite.
Take a look at the link, have a glance at the description.
Maybe you will get some answers.

a reply to: DeathSlayer

Understood. If I could give you a hug right now I would.

a reply to: DeathSlayer

Hi .. I am about the same age as you and like you have been around the block ,so to speak .Rough life growing up with 5 other siblings but only on good terms with 2 of them today .Had 3 kids that are grown with their own kids and doing their own thing .None of which is seeing their grandfather . Wife ran off many years ago and poisoned even the relationship I had with the kids . Sad and not fair is all I can say but I have a hope .

The relationship with my oldest boy was always a issue or problem for me . I couldn't understand him and I am of the belief that it takes two to tango so I took 50% of the responsibility and b eat up on myself when ever we had a conflict until I decided to not have physical contact with him but wanted to stay in touch . I started a conversation with him on a set of Emails where we could discuss ,debate or what ever . I wanted to keep a record of what and who said it in order to figure out what was happening .

Turned out that he would lie and accuse me of lying . He would misquote me and when I would bring it up he would just ignore it and move on to some other stupid thing . It was a process that went on for over a month until the conversation stopped . Re-viewing those Emails and having a few others to check them out it seems that my boy is a narcissist .Great news eh . not really because the best thing for me to do is to avoid him . Sad, sure but what can a guy do .

You like me have lived our fair share of time here and have experienced the good the bad and the ugly . Our kids will always hold a special place in our hearts but they are going to live their lives the way they choose to and it really isnt right for us to stop them even if we disagree with them .or even if we could . Oh an my X and I used to fight quite a bit until one day I decided that I wouldn't argue with he any more . I would discuss anything but I wasn't going to argue with her . It wasn't long before she decided to leave and to tell you the truth . I was better off for that . Those thread attachments to our heart are painful to think about being broken but they are much less painful in reality when they do break .

I wish I had words of wisdom to pass along but all I can offer is the fact that sometimes crap happens and its for a reason you may never understand on this side of reality .Be fair and be well .peace

Your kind of in a no win situation to be honest with very difficult choices to be made

I hope the situation improves with what ever choice you make and wish you the best

Dear friend, I can see you have been through the mill and know that you have written this as a last resort. I will pray for you and your family(I too believe it helps).

My instinct is to tell you that I hope you stay with your family and find a way to keep things more tolerable. I like network dude's advice a lot. Starting anew when you're in your 60's sounds like it would be miserable. And your family loves you even if they have terrible ways of showing it.

God Bless brother.

Air hug

Everything sucks but your grandson. I know that feeling.

I have wanted to walk away so many times bro, always found a reason to stay, because where the hell am I gonna go?

At your age and your health where the hell are you going to go? Would it be worth not seeing your grandson?

I say suck it up and stay for him.

and tell your wife you need an effing blow job.

only got this one life, so why spend soo much time dealing in avoidable negativity?
People may come around to your line of thinking in their own time of course. Just remind your daughter you love her unconditionally, and you hope whatever she finds she needs to be happy and calm she finds, be it religion like you, or maybe she should take up some musical instrument, etc.

Good luck with that. we all deserve happiness.