Softball with AugustusMasonicus

So, all you internet tough guys out there living in your mommy’s basements and having unrealizable dreams of being an international spy/assassin/playboy, someone has beaten you to that role and if you give him any lip you may end up just plain old beaten…and probably with a new step daddy.

Our next guest has traveled the world, visited exotic countries and then murdered their inhabitants. His super-intellect, martial skills and lack of any type of human emotion has kept ALL of you safe as he protected the United States of America from enemies and then stood by as women threw themselves into his satin-sheeted boudoir. The exact agency he plied his deadly knowledge for must remain redacted but you all know his wit and un-empathetic charm. A god amongst men, IAMTAT.

AM: What’s the most people you’ve killed in a single day?

IM: Good question...and it varies each year.

Every Summer solstice, I like to see how many times I can fly back and forth across the International Dateline between Alaska and Siberia.

An exact number is hard give you, because I'm usually picking off clueless caribou herders and isolated Alaskan pot farmers from the air.

It's practice and it keeps me sharp for my work...but, if I'm honest with myself, it's also a lot of fun. Really, if you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life.

AM: How did ‘they’ recruit you?

IM: Basically, right out of college.

Low IQ, High testosterone, Anti-social behavior, Major in Metal Shop...I ticked off ALL the right boxes.

AM: Do you think it had more to do with your engineering degree from Princeton or that you’re an emotionless sociopath?

IM: Over the years, I've engaged in much emotional, soul searching over this very question,...but because I AM a sociopath and literally have no soul, I always quickly lost interest and immediately went out to stalk the homeless.

AM: What was the most interesting part of your training?

IM: Probably my very first assignment as a cadet. It involved a member who was elected to congress, but was deemed a national security risk by virtue of being too stupid to make or vote on legislation.

Fun Fact: Nancy Pelosi didn't get her nick name 'Miss Lube Rack' as a result of being a pinup girl for a gas station calendar. THAT'S Fake News. 'Miss Lube Rack' was the pet name I gave her after going deep undercover as her Cabana Boy/Boy Toy.

Long story short, the mission was deemed successful. As a result of state-of-the-art mind-control techniques, gallons of Hawaiian Tropic Dark Tanning oil and many revolting months of Tantric massage, we were able to actually DOUBLE her IQ to 74.

Years later, I'm still having nightmares...and literally can't even look at a bowl of cottage cheese without curling into the fetal position and whimpering profusely.

Of course, there's more I could tell you...but then I'd have to kill everyone on the Internet.

AM: You’ve jet-setted around the world for various reasons, visiting amazing locales many of us will only see in pictures, tell us amateurs, which country has the best hookers?

IM: When it comes right down to it, it really doesn't matter because:

A.) Little know fact: Fake orgasms sound exactly the same in every language on earth...and

B.) I don't pay much attention to them anyway, since when we're together, I'm wearing my headphones, humming the theme song from the '80's hit TV show 'The Greatest American Hero'.
Still, if you put a gun to my head (and you have)...I would have to say I prefer hookers from more 'backward' parts of the world, where they have yet to develop a currency (I carry a suitcase of nice, shiny, beads whenever I travel)...or even a rudimentary language (I can't understand their 'Safe' words anyway).

AM: How strong is your pimp hand?

IM: "I never saw a dame yet that didn't understand a good slap in the mouth or a slug from a .45."

AM: Favorite kitchen utensil you like to employ for interrogation purposes?

IM: Naturally, most in my business automatically gravitate towards that faithful old standby...the spatula.

But, honestly, in the kitchen as well as the subterranean kill room, creativity can sometimes be a blessing.

While it's always important to select the right tool for the right victim...never be afraid to go a little wild once in a while...get a little creative...throw convention to the wind...and have some fun with your sadistic interrogation.

For example, have you ever wondered how many scorpions can fit inside an oven mitt?

I thought not.

Remember: Torture doesn't HAVE to be boring...unless you let it be.


 

AM: What brought you to ATS?

IM: Like most of us here, I mistakenly thought it was the porn site 'Hot Slutty Grandmas'.

AM: Your favorite conspiracy?

IM: Definitely that the Freemasons are really baby-eating, Reptilian, Illuminati, Satan-worshiping, pedophiles from Niburu.

In reality, they're just a bunch of tired, harmless, fat, old, white guys, getting together once in a while in good clean camaraderie to talk sports, reminisce about the good old days and swap war stories...while being served pizza in a cave by young boys and girls dressed in skimpy togas.

You know...Just like the Kiwanis Club.

I tell ya it's all complete BalderdashPoppycockTommyrotTomfooleryPiffleHogwashPleasedonthavemekilledBunkumHorsefeathersPrattleMonkeyshinesItoldthem nothingTripeBilgeGibberishMumboJumboTwaddleHooeyScribbleRigamaroleClaptrapNonsense!!!

AM: PizzaGate; idiotic conspiracy theory or tasty fad?

IM: [See Above]

AM: Since we wouldn’t be able to handle the largest government conspiracy/cover up of all time tell us the 78th largest one.

IM: That would have to be that Ron Popeil was a Level 7 operative for MJ12...and Ronco Enterprises was a CIA shell company for introducing and disseminating reverse-engineered alien technology into mainstream culture and society.

You don't think that Pocket Fisherman and 'Spray-on Hair' just 'happened', do you?

AM: Coolest thing you ever invented?

IM: Those are all confidential at this point, but I'm currently dabbling in law.

I've been tinkering with putting together a $40B class-action lawsuit against Amazon and Google, stating that the Amazon Echo and Google Home discriminate against people with speech impediments.

AM: Since I'm sure some of our guests are a little creeped out at this point lets toss you so Softballs. Favorite TV shows?

IM: Man In The High Castle, Game of Thrones, Westworld, American Gods, Pool Kings* and Ghost Adventures.

*Interviewer's note: Talk about which of these is unlike the other.

AM: Favorite book you haven't written personally?

IM: Killer Angels.

AM: Favorite films?

IM: The Godfather, Big Kahuna and Peaceful Warrior*.

*Interviewer's note: I love the dichotomy and irony of this choice.

AM: Adult beverage of choice?

IM: Extra chilled Dry Vodka (Grey Goose) Martini (Shaken;not stirred)...Large Blue Cheese (Stilton) stuffed olives.

AM: Favorite thing to consume (besides the blood of your enemies)?

IM: Beef Stroganoff (Done right).

AM: If you could go back in time on a mission and kill one person, who would it be?

IM: Yes, definitely Buddha.

Whatever else the guy might've done with his life, it all pales by comparison to the fact that the crazy SOB created and popularized 'The Man Bun'.





I'd make it slow and painful.

AM: And finally, the person from ATS you could bring on that mission to leave them there as a scapegoat?

IM: As you know only too well, there are many other undercover operatives here on ATS.

Two, in particular, have already worked with me on several assignments...I won't give their ATS handles, but there's no problem using their Deep State code names. Suffice it to say that I'd trust 'Caligula' and 'Sumo' with my life...They know where all the bodies are buried and the pig masks are hidden.



IAMTAT's story is as simple as his beginnings are humble.

He was born on a dirt floor, in a small one room schoolhouse in downtown Cleveland.

As a youth, he discovered his life-long fascination with small animals; how they live; how they learn,...and how long they can survive being submerged in water.

An unfortunate series of honeymoon cruise-ship accidents has left IAMTAT a longtime widower.

Recently, he serendipitously met his eighth wife in the Subway.

It was love at first sight as she finished making his $5 Footlong...and he realized he had finally found a woman that not only knew her place, but possessed the skills it takes to make a man truly happy.

IAMTAT lives and works in one of those weird-shaped states in the middle of the country,...where he combines his love of animals with his passion for kitchen utensils.

He is currently working to develop and market an innovative new line of spatulas for kittens.

That wraps up another installment of Softball. After you all BleachBit your eyes and computers make sure you remember that next time you engage our guest in a conversation that he is probably already formulated how he is going to remove your esophagus from your throat without spilling a drop of his perfectly-chilled martini.

TAT, thanks for playing, your parting gifts today are first class roundtrip airfare tickets along with luxury hotel accommodations in Las Vegas, where you have never been before. Not even last Monday where a guy with a hat and portly fellow on a diet didn't help you bury two showgirls in the desert. Thank you all for tuning in. Until next time.

LOL

I like the spatula, too. On my butt.

Another great interview, thanks guys.

a reply to: geezlouise

I worry about you sometimes.

I think you're definitely under the influence of some Masonic baby eating ritual.

"Hot slutty grandmas"

I thought I was the only one that came here for that! I was disappointed until I saw DB and realised I WAS in the right place.

Another great one! I'd love to know what TAT could do with a wisk.

a reply to: TerryDon79

Lol.

YOU'RE CLOSE. But I'm part of the Summoning of Cthulhu ritual actually.

originally posted by: geezlouise
a reply to: TerryDon79

Lol.

YOU'RE CLOSE. But I'm part of the Summoning of Cthulhu ritual actually.

That one where you feed masons to a baby?

Thanks guys! Always interesting to know more about our fellow ATS folks...or scary. Blue cheese stuffed olives? Yum! Now I'm hungry.

a reply to: burdman30ott6

Lol.

Yeah, that's the one. The chosen child then grows up with the magical ability that it digested from mason flesh, to summon Cthulhu at it's whim.

originally posted by: geezlouise
a reply to: TerryDon79

Lol.

YOU'RE CLOSE. But I'm part of the Summoning of Cthulhu ritual actually.

Is that a position from the Kama Sutra?

"The Summoning of Cthulhu involves many tentacles, squirming and dying. Not suitable for beginners."

a reply to: TerryDon79

That sounds hot.

a reply to: geezlouise

As a guy, the idea of the tentacles isn't appealing.

The dying bit I could get behind.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

I forgot all about Ron Popeil!

originally posted by: Kali74
I forgot all about Ron Popeil!

So did I, It was a good reference.

My favorite line:

I tell ya
it'sallcompleteBalderdashPoppycockTommyrotTomfooleryPiffleHogwash
PleasedonthavemekilledBunkumHorsefeathersPrattleMonkeyshinesItoldthem
nothingTripeBilgeGibberishMumboJumbo
TwaddleHooeyScribbleRigamaroleClaptrapNonsense

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

I cried all throughout the interview, wept tears of pain over every word written, and screamed occasionally.

Then I realized I still had the nipple clamps hooked to the car battery.


Who was the interview with?

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Who was the interview with?

I don't know, I was lobotomized with a cocktail olive skewer.

I feel so violated.

Let's do it again soon.

a reply to: IAMTAT


Do you think anyone got that thing you mentioned yet?

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus
a reply to: IAMTAT


Do you think anyone got that thing you mentioned yet?