Male vs Female "Job Duties"

a reply to: PageLC14

Hmmmm reading this, some guys are freaked out paranoid about naked bath time and stuff even with their own children due to a fear of being accused of or being labelled a pedophile, especially if going to be alone with them.

originally posted by: Look2theSacredHeart
Whether it is abusive or just immature, this his money your money act is a red flag. He either wants to control you

That was my exact thought too.

originally posted by: Puppylove

originally posted by: mblahnikluver
He thought because he paid for everything that I did the rest. Yea no that's no how it works!

I agree that's not how it works. That's abuse. But so is pretending being a stay at home mom is equivalent contribution and expecting anything near 50/50 at home contribution as soon as they get home. That too is abuse and taking advantage.

I have read many of your post and i can say with out a doubt i could not agree with you more on that statement. As a single dad i know how hard it is to work full time and take care of a child full time and i can say from personal experience that both sides are not easy. But comparing working 60+hours a wrek of hard labor to staying at home with the kids IMO isnt even comparable. I enjoy time with my daughter sorry i dont see it as a task like some do.

originally posted by: Puppylove
a reply to: PageLC14

Hmmmm reading this, some guys are freaked out paranoid about naked bath time and stuff even with their own children due to a fear of being accused of or being labelled a pedophile, especially if going to be alone with them.

I dont bathe my daughter. She is 3. Her mother does it every time. Even though we do not live together. Personally i dont feel comfortable with it now that she is getting older. Say what yoy want but we make it work, personally i think its better that way. Plus its starts to teach her that men should not see her naked. Maybe its just me but i feel likenit works pretty darn well.

a reply to: ghostrager

Oh trust me I understand that it's one sided. It'll always be one sided because you will never catch my husband talking to anyone about what goes on inside of our house. He hardly even tries to talk to me about it. Unfortunately, we live in a town that consists of Main Street , one stop light and 1500 people and none of them I consider friendly enough to have personal chats with.

And this thread was not intended to belittle him, either. I simply stated facts and asked for others opinions on the subject. I didnt ask for advice, just opinions on job duties.

I'm sorry, but don't call me foolish for opening up to the people here. I happen to highly respect a majority of the users' opinions on this site and I felt more comfortable coming here then just simply calling up my step mom who raised me from the age of 11.

I appreciate all the replies here and only honestly answered questions and heard their opinions. I am mature enough to know better than take every bit to heart or to let their opinions effect my way of thinking. If you read one of replies from earlier you would see that I don't intend on letting other people influence my relationship. I merely started this thread to gather outside views and to help vent a little.

Thanks for your time.

a reply to: Puppylove

Oh no, I'll actually the paranoid one when it comes to my daughter's safety. I trust my husband %100 but I will not let him bathe my oldest or even help her get dressed or be in the same room with her! I'll very protective of her innocence. But I'm cool with him bathing our 9 month old because she's so young and not really curious about too much of anything

a reply to: PageLC14

Yes be he might not be comfortable there.

a reply to: Puppylove

It's really not that, trust me. He would've told me. No, he made clear that he doesn't want to because he just doesn't want to. Also, he has the other kids he raised for a little while as well as multiple other kids with a few exes.

He likes his alone time.

a reply to: PageLC14

What's the typical chain of events when he gets home from work? How do things start? How do you greet him, react, what's the typical mood, how much tension is there when he gets home? Do you greet him? Do you ask each other how your days went? If you do, do you both actually listen to each other?

One of the things I've noticed is, the entire mood for time together is set upon first interaction when the work day ends. It's the mood setter. A positive interaction can make all the difference, and knowing how each others day went is paramount to prevent serious damage. I know a lot of people have some weird hatred for the positive door greeting thing, thinking it demeans them, like they are some kind of dog or something.

But, there's a reason why dogs are loved so much by either gender who has them after a hard days work. No matter how bad your day might be, there's, with a dog, love and appreciation as soon as you come home. It makes a big difference to mood to receive that. I've seen people go off on tirades as soon as the person comes in the door, with no idea how bad that persons day has been or what might have happened on it.

You may do all this. I don't know. I've no idea how your day starts when one gets home. I know for me it was the big thing that destroyed the relationship more than anything else. Coming home to misery and unappreciation for having just come from a job I hated made my already miserable mood worse. Made coming home a chore rather than something to look forward to.

In my personal opinion, the most important job of the stay at home spouse is not the dishes, not dinner, not cleaning, it's none of those things, it's making absolutely sure that the moment the other party comes through that door, it is an uplifting experience that makes coming home something that encourages love and appreciation. Any real working spouse will quickly react to this in a positive helpful way, becoming appreciative and loving themselves. Start wanting to help out, and offering it more. They will do this because you're making them feel good and uplifted.

If all he wants is me time, that means, he's not happy with coming home at all. My wife gave me, me time, and I took it, because I got nothing positive from her emotionally when I got home, it wasn't that I wanted me time so much as it was the only somewhat positive thing I had when I got home. Me time can help with destressing, but it's not the most efficient way and it takes a lot of it to compare with love, affection, appreciation and concern. If someone wants lots of "me" time it means they're getting nothing positive from "us" time. Somewhere, at some time, you became a burden and chore to each other rather than a force to help and uplift each other. If this connection cannot be mended your relationship will die and become worse as resentment becomes the primary emotion between you both.

If all she wants is to make coming home negative for me from the moment I get home, then it's hard for me to give a #. Every day I came home I tried to engage her positively. But there was always some bug up her butt oozing negativity. She was the type that always needed to be fighting somebody. When we shared a home with my niece, she was great towards me, we had a warm loving relationship full of appreciation and concern for each other. She was always fighting with and blaming everything on my niece though. Once we got our own place, only one left to blame for anything that bothered her was me. So suddenly any little thing I did was a fight, eventually I just stopped caring cause I could do nothing right. Our relationship became a cold uncaring thing and died. This isn't about me though so that summary will have to do.

a reply to: Puppylove

On a similar token, sending the working party off to work on a positive note can be important and helpful too.

I just think there's three important times to a day. Before work, when getting home, and when going to bed.

What happens between those times happens, but these three times need to be as positive as possible. Before bed one should do their best to never go to bed angry as example.

It's a lot of emotional work, but these three times every couple should fight as hard as they can to make as positive as possible.

a reply to: Puppylove

Ugh. I have been trying to reply to you since you posted this last night! I do not want to "unintentionally" place my spouse in a negative light. I have done nothing but try to keep a positive outlook throughout everything. But, I have repeatedly tried to give an unbiased explanation only to realize I'm definitely placing him in a negative light. So I'm not sure what to say anymore.

Simply put, when %100 of the emotional work seems to fall solely on one person, that person will eventually run out of emotions.

I've never liked summarizing because we are forced to leave out minor details that have a major effect on the chain of events that lead to the ending of whatever's being summarized.

I just feel emotionally drained and unappreciated. I'm at a standstill, I guess

a reply to: Puppylove

And what my husband doesn't seem to understand, even though I have repeatedly told him, is that BEFORE he finally decided to come to his senses and actually put in the effort I had already given up!!

It got to where my only option was to walk away and never look back so that's what I did. And that's apparently what it took for him to realize what he wasn't seeing all along.

I'm just afraid that I might have waited too long to play that hand because when I finally laid it down, I wasn't bluffing. And because I'd spent so much time waiting for him to wake up, I couldn't resist going back to him.

So I'm stuck trying to force myself to give what I once gave and I can't seem to be able to do it. Mainly because even though he talks different and says all these wonderful things, his eyes don't show the emotion to back up

a reply to: PageLC14

Sounds familiar. I tried and tried to keep things positive and happy and got nothing for it till I just stopped feeling it and stopped trying.

The way you're talking, this post and the next. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong. The feelings sound like they're simply not coming back, and all that's binding you both is obligation. Obligation is the wrong reason to stay together, as it's the seed from which resentment sprouts.

originally posted by: PageLC14
a reply to: Puppylove

Also, he has the other kids he raised for a little while as well as multiple other kids with a few exes.

He likes his alone time.

There's your problem right there. Soon you'll be one of those exes with a child from him and someone else will be making this same complaint.

a reply to: Puppylove

Hmm. Obligation is one I've never considered. I don't think I feel obligated, at all. I still have want and desire to be with him. Admittedly, those feelings aren't as strong as they once were but they are there.

A huge part of me believes that I might be happier if we decided to call it quits, but the love i feel and have clung to prevents me from ever taking a step in that direction ... It's scary, really..

a reply to: Baldryck

Eh, that's the least of my worries.

I went my entire pregnancy preparing to raise her alone so that isn't something that frightens me.

Page,

For now, forget about "communication," and or "talking things out", at least at the level that I've found most women define it when they're having these sorts of troubles. Forget about deep meaningful conversation's where you leave in that half dreamy state that accompanies making a connection with your true soul mate. That's the advanced class.

You're going to have to train this man. Just like you would a dog. In fact, for specific advice on how to fix this thing, you'll find no better answers than you can find by reading dog training books.

But in general, reward and the withholding of rewards is the key.

Find out what he needs. Find out what motivates him. Become his source for those things. In general, though both men and women want love and respect, women tend to "need" love more than respect and men tend to "need" respect more than love.

Is he getting the respect he needs from you? Are you making him feel like he's an outstanding provider, smarter than Einstein and the best lover you've ever had? Do you make him feel like He Man? Do you let him know how wonderful he is with the kids? (Doesn't matter if he's any of those things at this point btw)

See, insinuating a man isn't any of the above is sort of like him answering "yes" to your question about whether a given pair of jeans makes your butt look big.

So next time when you need him to help out, try something like this:

[Insert his name here] Damn it I hate to ask, I know how hard you've worked today and you've definitely earned some down time, but I'm running a little behind, is there any way I could get you to give the baby a bath for me?

If he does, praise the hell out of him for it. "You're so good with her, she's lucky to have a Dad like you"

Tell him you're proud of him, how smart he is and etc every chance you possibly can. It's like catnip for men. Stroke his ego, become his drug.

Then after bombing him, (Sort of like the love bombing some cults use, but in this case you'll use respect bombing) with this sort of treatment whenever you plausibly can justify it, (its loosely sort of a modified form of priming the marker in dog training) start to adjust and raise the bar, ever so slightly for when you praise him. Watch for spontaneous attempts on his part to please you, make sure you really make a big deal out of these spontaneous attempts, at least in the beginning.

On those occasions when he doesn't perform up to expectations, ignore his failure. Give him something easier to do so you can reward him.

After you train him in this manner to the point where he's house broken, sits on command and comes when called you can move onto more advanced things.

This isn't about the way you'll live the rest of your life. It's about training him/turning him into the kind of dog/man you can really be proud of/love. A lot of men will rise up to your expectations of them, so estimate high, at least as far as he knows.

Give it a try. See if it works.

I do not think that roles are 'defined' in the old fashioned sense that you mentioned.

My Gf and I live together, both work full time and have a 7 month old. We are both first time parents. I have a very strong work ethic and I do everything I can to accommodate her to the best of my ability. There are things I simply love to do: Cook, vacuum, laundry simply because I lived alone for the longest time. I enjoy cooking, she does not, I find pleasure in doing things for them because I know it is appreciated. As for the vacuuming, I have 2 huskies, so that goes without saying. If I did not vacuum I would be consumed by Husky hair.

I was left alone one night while she went out with her GF's for a girls night out. It was easily the most terrifying and difficult thing I have done. I had a new found respect for the amount of work it takes to watch over a small infant.

That being said, I think if there is an understanding of what is to be done and what is enjoyed by each party, things are easier. Just my two cents