Male vs Female "Job Duties"

Bottom line: I might need help understanding how a marriage works when it comes to who does what and what is EXPECTED from either side. My husband and I have been married going on 8 months now and can't seem to agree on this particular subject. He seems to be old fashioned and expects the kind of relationship that may have existed before women fought to be seen as equals next to men while I am just confused in general. My parents split at a young age so I saw my mom doing it alone as well as my dad doing it alone, therefore, I kind of expect 50/50 coming from both sides.

Realizing that every situation is different, I'm simply asking for different views on what is basically expected. I'm growing TIRED of fights being started over something as simple as asking my husband to give the Baby a bath compared to me bathing BOTH of the girls the rest of the week.

Am I dreaming of a fairytalistic type of life where my husband randomly offers to clean the kitchen after I cooked dinner or clean the house or put the girls to bed so I can pass out BEFORE everyone else?

I'd sweep up after my husband till my feet bled and I have had and will continue to have his back in any circumstance regardless of who is wrong or right...

Question is: Should I expect appreciation to or some type of gratification to be shown for simply doing what's naturally expected of me as a mother and wife?

I'm slightly confused. You have two children together and have been married for 8 months. I would say you've lived together for much longer than that? Duties don't change just because you're married now.

Are you a stay at home mom? It's a hard job, of course, but it goes hand in hand with household chores, etc. That being said, all grown men should be able to pick up after themselves to make your day to day chores easier.

a reply to: PageLC14

Simple answer: YES!

Who gets a free ride in life: obviously slobs who guilt their wives into doing all the household chores, not having any free time for themselves (wives) and being a free servant. Then only have to say "gee honey you're great" once in a while in exchange.

What kind of marriage are you condemning your daughters to?

Don't you think its important for your daughters to be exposed to your husband? Maybe cook a simple meal together or do the dishes together? Isn't that normal?

So how long do you expect to be the servant in your own home.

When your husband does the dishes, he is not "helping you out with your chores". The dishes were never "yours' to begin with. Everybody eats from the, everyone takes a turn cleaning them. Same goes for ALL other household chores. You all live there and you all help maintain it.

This attitude makes household chores a family task and provides a family bonding experience.

Screw gratitude - demand equal participation.

Tired of Control Freaks

Need more info, do you both have jobs?

This would have been a very important information to know before you got maried.

My ex wife decided to stay home for the first few years for the kids, but we both helped around the house.

Hope that helps.

I think it's important for both people in the marriage to participate around the house, especially if there are children in the family.

For example, maybe one spouse if better at cooking, so they prepare and cook the meal, and the other spouse does the dishes.

My husband and I both do things around the house, and we both have full time jobs.

My brother in law works and 'doesn't want his wife working'. He wants her at home, taking care of the house and...well everything really. That's their arrangement, they both seem happy, I sure as hell wouldn't be pleased to have that role.

Every marriage and relationship is different; find out what works best for you and your family.

a reply to: TiredofControlFreaks

Who gets a free ride in life: obviously slobs who guilt their wives into doing all the household chores, not having any free time for themselves (wives) and being a free servant. Then only have to say "gee honey you're great" once in a while in exchange.

What kind of marriage are you condemning your daughters to?

Don't you think its important for your daughters to be exposed to your husband? Maybe cook a simple meal together or do the dishes together? Isn't that normal?

So how long do you expect to be the servant in your own home.

^^^This is AWFUL advice!

Every marriage is different and you have no clue how their marriage works.

I for one have an ex wife who thought a lot like you do (hence why I divorced). Apparently my 12 hour work days weren't enough while she stayed at home - I was suppose to 'do my fair share' with household chores also.

Point is, every marriage has a different set of requirements. Two people can have different standards of constitutes as acceptable living conditions depending on their personality and how they were raised. Then there is the aspect of work, do they both work? What kinds of jobs? Is one job more strenuous? Do either have disabilities? Etc, etc.

My advice to the OP, don't ask the internet for advice! If it is bothering you to where you feel your marriage is in danger, talk it out or seek counseling.

a reply to: PageLC14


*SHARING* in everything .... the good and the bad.

a reply to: Atsbhct

Yeah it's written almost as if they only started living together once they got married which is just weird.

To the op: If it's like it was before you were married, then don't expect it to change just because you're now married, because it won't, I mean, did you have these issues BEFORE you got married ? Were you naive to think it would magically change on exchanging vows ?

It really depends on if you wotk a full time job or not. If you both work full time jobs and support your family financially then with out a doubt it should be 100% even. If you dont work and he does thats a different story. I mean if i worked 60 hours a week and had to come home to cook for myself every night do my own laundry plus clean up after my spouse and children i would have to say thats a bit unfair.

I don't understand you people. My girlfriend and i both work full time jobs, when i come home- diner is ready. Its awesome.

But many people here don't want to ask the obvious question...Is it even his kid?

If you're having fights just because you asked him to bathe the baby, then he's a huge ***hole. Simply the fact that you're upset about it should be enough for him to realize "hey, my wife needs my help for a few minutes with our child, maybe I should help her out". If I was a woman and married, I wouldn't put up with that for a second. He sounds like my father, who I grew up having absolutely no respect for. I remember one time among many when my mother was slaving away making dinner while he was sitting on the couch watching tv. She asked him to bring her a plate so she could get the food off the grill, which would have taken all of maybe 10 seconds. Instead, he just sat there told her "You can do it" because he literally didn't have enough respect for his own wife to get off the couch for a few seconds for her. That's not the kind of man you want your daughters to grow up thinking they should marry.

originally posted by: PageLC14
Am I dreaming of a fairytalistic type of life where my husband randomly offers to clean the kitchen after I cooked dinner

No, not at all. I wouldn't recommend letting him convince you it is a dream.

You asked for our thoughts, so those are mine.

originally posted by: Lice000
I don't understand you people. My girlfriend and i both work full time jobs, when i come home- diner is ready. Its awesome.

But many people here don't want to ask the obvious question...Is it even his kid?

When you marry someone, their kids become your kids. You don't get to pick and choose what parts of her life you want to include in yours.

originally posted by: Bluntone22

originally posted by: Lice000
I don't understand you people. My girlfriend and i both work full time jobs, when i come home- diner is ready. Its awesome.

But many people here don't want to ask the obvious question...Is it even his kid?

When you marry someone, their kids become your kids. You don't get to pick and choose what parts of her life you want to include in yours.

That is a horrible lie!
www.womansdivorce.com...

a reply to: Atsbhct

No, we have a 9 month old together. My oldest is from a previous relationship. I should've have clarified that. And our marriage is by common law because Texas is weird. We didn't live together until almost a year ago. And our relationship has been on and off for a total of almost 3 years... It's been pretty complicated to say in the least

Well there you have it.

You should just break up with him again.

a reply to: PageLC14

a reply to: PageLC14

I would honestly say that no one here would be qualified to give you advice about a complicated situation like that. There just isn't enough information.

My advice would be to work on communication. That's always helpful. If you're asking him to bathe the baby and it's turning into a fight, there's a breakdown there.

Look at yourself first. How are you asking? Is there a reason he doesn't like doing it? Does he not have a lot of confidence or experience with the baby and worries about doing things alone? It could be something simple and workable.

If he doesn't want to be a hands on father, well, I don't believe anyone here telling you they don't agree with that will help you or better your situation.

Look to the simplest solutions.

a reply to: TiredofControlFreaks

Thank you for your awesomely uplifting reply. Unfortunately, it's not something I haven't heard. But it's much easier said than done. I HAVE put my foot down on the past and I do demand equal participation but it's like it goes in one ear and out the other. Every time I try to let him know that I'm fed up the whole conversation ends with it being my fault in the first place and I'm left apologizing for it.

It's hard for me to hold my ground because I DO love him and I have for a long time. It's easier just to give in and let him win. Even though I know my girls, especially my oldest, are effected by it. It's all very confusing and like a huge mind #..

a reply to: Puppylove

In the beginning we both had jobs. Because I tend to stress myself out so much, though, I gave up my position as a cook at a local Mexican restaurant. Which I regret tremendously but I did it for my girls and because he was constantly doing the whole my money your money thing. I said he'd never wanted me to have the job in the first place so I just went ahead and eliminated my money.

originally posted by: PageLC14
a reply to: TiredofControlFreaks
Every time I try to let him know that I'm fed up the whole conversation ends with it being my fault in the first place and I'm left apologizing for it.

It's hard for me to hold my ground because I DO love him and I have for a long time. It's easier just to give in and let him win. Even though I know my girls, especially my oldest, are effected by it. It's all very confusing and like a huge mind #..

originally posted by: PageLC14
a reply to: Puppylove

In the beginning we both had jobs. Because I tend to stress myself out so much, though, I gave up my position as a cook at a local Mexican restaurant. Which I regret tremendously but I did it for my girls and because he was constantly doing the whole my money your money thing. I said he'd never wanted me to have the job in the first place so I just went ahead and eliminated my money.

The more you say, the more it sounds like you're married to an abuser and manipulator.
So... When you ask him to bathe his own baby, it starts a fight. Whenever you get upset at his lack of help, he turns it around and makes you feel bad and makes you think it's your fault for being upset, and you end up being confused and questioning yourself. He convinced you to give up your job because "his money is your money" and he didn't want you to work, so now you have no income or way to support yourself without him.
It's just gonna go downhill from here on out, seen it plenty of times.