Male vs Female "Job Duties"

a reply to: ghostrager

This was my way of seeking counseling!!

And tbh I have never told my husband that he HAS to do anything, I have only ever asked for his help while I'm already in the process of doing whatever I'm doing. I have a 4 year old and a 9 month old. Both require two different types of bedtime schedules. Say, for instance, we've just finished dinner. We try to do dinner, baths, bed. Im not good under pressure, I tend to get frustrated and impatient. So if I'm feeling a little short on time I might ask him to take the baby with him to the shower while my oldest and I go. He has never once been okay with that idea. His reaction is like that of a 13 year old who just got asked to take out the trash while in the middle of a video game. I understand he would like his alone time but at the same time I'd pay money to get a shower all to myself lol I simply don't ask anymore

They should make a lifetime movie about you. Your life is basically Sophies Choice but with non-lethal showers.

a reply to: Lice000

Haha!!! Jeez Louise. The baby is his yes, the oldest is not. We met when she was turning two. There was never any doubt as to the Father of our kid not that it really matters. Even if she wasn't he's chosen to take on that role of being her daddy.

originally posted by: PageLC14
And our relationship has been on and off for a total of almost 3 years... It's been pretty complicated to say in the least

My best friend was in a "complicated" relationship, every time they hit the rocks they'd some major life changing thing in the hopes it would "fix" the relationship, first time they bought a house together, second time they got married, third time they had a kid together.

After all these events, they eventually hit the rocks yet again and divorced, they've both never been happier since.

IF you've been trying to keep a relationship together for almost 3 years without much success, you must reach a point where you have to ask yourself is it worth it, I think by coming here and asking your question you know deep down you're at that point and just looking for reassurances everything will be ok.

You're honestly better off finding someone you're more compatible with than straining to keep a broken relationship together, it's less stressful and you'll be much happier in the long term

a reply to: trollz

Thank you.

 She asked him to bring her a plate so she could get the food off the grill, which would have taken all of maybe 10 seconds. Instead, he just sat there told her "You can do it" because he literally didn't have enough respect for his own wife to get off the couch for a few seconds for her. That's not the kind of man you want your daughters to grow up thinking they should marry. 

This scares me because it sounds exactly like my husband. On the other hand, there are few random moments when he will do something that helps. But they are rare. The crazy thing post of me thinks I probably do expect too much from him because my dad was a clean freak. Ocd. He treated my step mom like a princess. He would work hard labor jobs and come home to clean the house spotless. My mom only ever had to cook dinner and they were happy.

a reply to: PageLC14

Who fetched and picked up after him, cooked and laundered for him,

and grocery shopped for him before you got together?


Seems he's given the job to you now .... and what does anyone do

when they have taken on a job they don't like?


Hand in your notice

a reply to: PageLC14

Makes things complicated. He should help out at times of course. But you need to compare honestly between what you and he does each day, or else you could be taking advantage of him. At same time, he needs to do the same.

I had a relationship, no kids though so a bit different, ended in divorce. I was the only one working. My partner sat at home playing WoW all day. Only thing she did was dishes once a week and a bit of cleaning and make dinner. We lived in a small one room apartment. So not much cleaning. I worked 6 to 7 days a week at hard labor came home, and there'd be an argument if I so much as forgot to turn off the bathroom light, arguments over any little thing that might result in even a slight bit of extra work for her.

Clearly I was being used and abused both economically and emotionally. It got so bad even though I hated my job I started to dread going home more.

I once lived with three college men, none which were very cleanly. I had no job at the time. Cleaned and prepared meals to earn my keep. It was the easiest job I ever had. Got to spend most of my time doing whatever I wanted. This was taking care of three college men with an upstairs, a basement in use (where I stayed and kept clean), and three bedrooms. So removing kids from the relationship, I will never respect a person of any gender who lies and pretends taking care of a home is hard work, bull#ters each and every one unless it's a mansion or something absurd like that. Adding kids can change that some. I will acknowledge that much. Depends on the kids though. The right kids can actually be helpful depending on age and temperament.

I don't know the full details of your living conditions or circumstances, what your kids are like, their maintenance needs, the size of the house. Nor do I know the hours your husband works, or the kind of work he does. Finding the right balance is hard to do. But it has to be a balance, and an honest one, where each side honestly looks at what they are contributing. The two of you obviously need to sit down and talk about this. It's not a men's work verses women's work if one of you are working and the other is not, it's about contributing equally and fairly to the relationship.

His money is your money, but that doesn't mean you do nothing to earn your keep, that's not fair to him. That said kids need time with the male role model too, and even you need breaks. It requires a long honest conversation where you're both willing to look at and consider each others sides and contributions.

That said, he is not your boss, he's a partner in this relationship, and you should make sure that's clear and not allow him to treat you as such. There are many things you should be doing, but because you want to and want to honor the relationship by being as equal as possible. If he wants to treat you like an employee or a slave get out. He should treat you as a partner and you should treat him the same. Each fairly and honestly assessing your contributions to the relationship and working together to be as fair with each other as possible. Also if he has no desire to spend time with your kids and bond with them, he clearly has no interest in being a real fatherly figure to them. If that's the case, get out as well, is unfair to both you and the kids.

a reply to: Discotech

I've actually been wanting to post here for awhile. I feel there's no better place to get honest, blunt opinions than right here. But now I'm not too sure what I'm hoping for. I'm long past reassurance. I've just always been that person who sees potential in anyone. Kind of like Fern from Charlotte's Web. My husband may not be what I was expecting but if no one else will love him I sure as hell will.

Maybe now I look weak because I came here morning and groaning about it all but in the end I still love the poor Bastard. I just need to figure out how to get through that thick stubborn head of his and if I can't, I will realize it in my own time and I'll be able to move forward.

My daddy never once said life was going to be easy. He only ever told me "you'll see, you'll see." With a strange look on his face as if he was in on some big secret that I couldn't know yet. And boy am I finally seeing.

a reply to: eletheia

He lived in his van, of the grid for 5 years before he got stranded in the town where we met

originally posted by: PageLC14
I've just always been that person who sees potential in anyone. Kind of like Fern from Charlotte's Web. My husband may not be what I was expecting but if no one else will love him I sure as hell will.

Be careful with this thinking. That's the kind that opens up making excuses for being abused. Is knife edged. Yes you must compromise, no one is perfect, and expecting it is unreasonable. At the same time there's a limit to what any person should be willing to accept and forgive.

You both need to get an honest assessment from each other for what you expect from each other. If that expectation is found unreasonable, and there's no acceptable compromise then for the sake of you and your kids. Make the right decision.

No idea what happened

The man doesn't respect you! That's wrong.

Imo you should work together in a relationship whether you're married or not. You having to ask him to do things and his reaction says it all. He doesn't respect you! I was married for a year and a half and with him for 4. He worked and lived overseas and when he came home I would have to pitch an ever loving fit to get him to do anything. It made my life miserable. He thought because he paid for everything that I did the rest. Yea no that's no how it works! I was a stay at home mom. I didn't like it. I wanted to work and being in my own income so he couldn't hold money over my head as a control mechanism. I was miserable and until I had had enough and said I'm done. We are divorced and I feel like myself again. I'm a single mom (he's a great dad even now, he was just a crappy spouse!) and I do ok. I wasn't going to stay in a relationship where I wasn't heard or respected and you shouldn't either! Have you thought of couples counseling? Do you really see yourself with this man the rest of your life? I had to ask these questions and I knew I would not be happy with him because he was he was and he wasn't going to change and he still hasn't!

You have to ask yourself some seriously questions. Helping you with the kids or even dinner isn't much to ask. He chose to have a family with you so there goes his personal me time! He needs to man up!

Whether it is abusive or just immature, this his money your money act is a red flag. He either wants to control you, or wants to live with you like a bad roommate.

Check out "Man Who Has it All"Man Who Has it All on Facebook.

And in my experience, any good man will help when he sees his lady working on chores: My dad, my husband, my father in law, my brothers in law... Work together, then relax together.

originally posted by: Lice000

originally posted by: Bluntone22

originally posted by: Lice000
I don't understand you people. My girlfriend and i both work full time jobs, when i come home- diner is ready. Its awesome.

But many people here don't want to ask the obvious question...Is it even his kid?

When you marry someone, their kids become your kids. You don't get to pick and choose what parts of her life you want to include in yours.

That is a horrible lie!
www.womansdivorce.com...

What the hell are you talking about?
You treat the kids as your own. That's part of being married.

originally posted by: mblahnikluver
He thought because he paid for everything that I did the rest. Yea no that's no how it works!

I agree that's not how it works. That's abuse. But so is pretending being a stay at home mom is equivalent contribution and expecting anything near 50/50 at home contribution as soon as they get home. That too is abuse and taking advantage.

There's a balance and both the person working and the person that's stay at home are capable of being the abusive party.

Too often I see there only being any sympathy for one side of this equation, when both sides are capable of being in the wrong. And when either side feels it about the other things can explode. People are quick to take the at home person's side without getting both sides or having a full look at the situation.

The person at home can in fact be the one taking advantage of the situation, expecting too much from the other, and be the one supplying emotional abuse by blowing things out of proportion.

Both sides can be capable of this. I've been on both sides as both stay at home and as the sole provider.

I've seen many sole providers taken advantage of. But to hear most talk, it's only ever the stay at home spouse that's ever in the right.

I've seen abuses from both sides. So I'm cautious about making a judgement on these issues without both sides and all the facts.

a reply to: Puppylove

I don't know the full details of your living conditions or circumstances, what your kids are like, their maintenance needs, the size of the house. Nor do I know the hours your husband works, or the kind of work he does.

We happen to live in an extremely small RV trailer, have been since we moved out here except for a brief period where we attempted to stay at my sister's. You'll never hear me say that keeping up with this matchbox of a house is hard. I will admit, however, that I am sick of this place. It's extremely small and we have too much stuff. No privacy and the neighbors are a bunch of trailer park drama queens. It gets cluttered much too quickly and even though I kept up with it for awhile I have behind less and less my normal self over the time since we've been here.

His money is your money, but that doesn't mean you do nothing to earn your keep, that's not fair to him.

I agree, but there was a short period of time earlier this year when I was working and he was staying at home with the girls and more often than not I found myself coming home and having to clean, cook, bathe and get the girls to sleep. But that was also before this subject was even an issue between us so at the time, it didn't bother me. It wasn't until I actually asked him to help me with giving the baby a bath and he shot me down that I started seeing things a little differently.

a reply to: PageLC14

Hmmmm, so when the situation was reversed he took full advantage of it and you. That should be your wake up call right there, what he was doing then was abuse. So I'm willing to believe this is probably abuse now.

a reply to: PageLC14

This isn't the right way to recieve 'counseling'.

Here's what happens when you seek advice from a third party who hasn't heard both sides (and is not trained);

1. You describe your problem and unintentionally you place your spouse in a negative light.
2. People support you by giving you 'advice' when they have only heard one side of the story. This entails belittling your spouse and justifying your hurt. Many will have good intentions, but they aren't capable of being objective if they haven't heard both sides.
3. You use this narrow minded advice and it builds resentment towards you and spouse because you feel more and more justified in your anger towards him.
4. Things get worse, you get more bad advice, and the cycle continues.

If your looking for advice from 3rd parties that have only heard one side of the story, find someone who refuses to take the bait and demonize your spouse (as so many on this thread have) - instead they should be constructively critical of you and your actions as they only have your story to critique.

If they criticize your husband, don't take their advice because they only know one side and are not capable of providing useful insight.

IMO, it's foolish on your end to seek advice this way. If it is angering you this much, you'll only find negative support if the one giving advice doesn't hear both sides.

Again, your best option is marriage counseling with a trained counselor(I'd suggest REBT for you). The biggest mistake I see wives make is taking advice from people who they've expressed their hurt to and who don't know both sides. It's a recipe for divorce and I've seen it happen time and time again.

a reply to: ghostrager

I agree with this.

Is why I'm attempting to be as neutral as possible having been on both sides.

While I'm willing to admit it being abuse as plausible. I'm not all in.

Is why I offered advice on how to look within and without more than anything. I still think a long talk or counseling probably both is best bet.

a reply to: PageLC14

I (the man) go to work every day. I make important decisions, sit at my desk and sign important papers, and for enjoyment. . . make the German intern (Gunther) cry just because.

My wife (the woman) stays at home and tends to the house, the chores, the children, makes me dinner and even greets me with a martini at the end of my busy day.