Need help.. Bad trend here.. getting stuck in self inflicted friend zone cycle...

OP, do you actually 'like' any of these girls? You say they always came on to you and you didn't have to do much. You say you didn't find the one attractive, yet you want to kiss her? Now you are getting older, maybe you should rethink your strategies.
Why not stay alone for a while?
Why do the girls have to make the first move? Maybe they are not because YOU are not giving any 'inviting' signs.

Whatever happened to waiting for the 'right one' and not just anyone who makes a move on you?

Sorry, maybe getting older and becoming less attractive is what you need to get some perspective. Sorry if I sound callous but I am a woman and I don't really agree to the way you 'choose' your girlfriends.

Maybe those girls just don't want to go out with you because they want someone that makes them feel wanted, loved, protected and chosen for the right reasons.
Maybe it's time you take on the 'male' role and woo them a bit, make them feel pretty and wanted, not just like 'beer mates' to hang out with [like 16 year olds].

My 25 wedding anniversary is coming up and there is a reason for it, mutual, actual love and respect plus all the fun.

It's not too late for you but the clock is ticking!

Good luck.

she became almost euphoric to be around

she told her friend who told me she was crushing on me pretty hard

I saw her in "that" light, she felt the same way.

She started off surprisingly flirtatious sexually over the phone and via text etc.. and our first date she was the same

we even brought it up weeks ago how I wanted to, so bad the first date, and she said I should have

Ok. This is you:


Really?? There is no "right time". If you feel the girl is giving you signs, just go for it. If the girl wants you, she will kiss you back. If not, there will be a somewhat akward moment and you will maybe feel ashamed for a couple minutes. That's it. You won't die because of this. Either you get the girl, or you gain some experience in interpreting those signs.
Either way, you win.

originally posted by: Raven_Heart

Really?? There is no "right time". If you feel the girl is giving you signs, just go for it. If the girl wants you, she will kiss you back. If not ......

As a woman at that point I always diverted his aim by turning my cheek, so

there was no embarrassment and he knew he was staying in the *friend zone.*

a reply to: Lucidparadox

Contrary to how I may seem on the interwebs, I'm a pretty introverted, shy person in real life and have always been very modest about my looks (even though I've been told countless times that I'm a good-looking fella). Regardless, I've always found that making the first move is very, very hard to do, and you sound like you're similar in that regard.

Looking in from the outside, it seems that you're constantly waiting for the perfect "lane" to open up when sometimes you just have to abruptly swerve into the lane with reckless disregard. I mean, with girl number two, she already told you that you should have kissed on the first date--dude, she's into you, even if you think that it's merging into the friendship lane. That may be happening because you've dragged your feet, and maybe she's starting to become comfortable with the idea that, if you're not pursuing her romantically, she'll have to just enjoy being with you as a friend.

Come on, man, I think what you're doing here is creating yourself some self-fulfilling prophecies--you seem to be sabotaging these relationships into staying in the friend zone because you're unwilling to make the uncomfortable move to make it a relationship, but at the same time, you're complaining that your seemingly stuck in the friend zone.

I wholeheartedly agree that making the move is scary and unnerving and anxiety-ridden for some of us, but at some point, it just has to be done. A few drinks helped me loosen up enough to make the first move on my wife--I'm not advocating getting drunk, I'm just saying that a couple beers relaxed my nerves enough to take advantage of what I knew was already there, but I was too afraid to do (just talking about the first kiss here, folks...not anything more).

I do wish you the best in figuring it out, though. I mean, really, what's the worst that will happen if you go in for the kiss and she backs away--at least your feelings are out there and nothing is held back, and then if/when she is ready, she already knows that you are and it can happen naturally. If she gets scared off, I guess it just wasn't meant to be, and at that point, there's no real reason to pursue that relationship anyhow.

Best Regards

a reply to: pirhanna

You don't date much do you?

Really be mean to get a reaction?

It will prove your a prick and the girl is human.
I truly can't believe what you wrote...

Gentleman

The girls are just as nervous as you. Maybe more so. They feel for the most part that they have to be passive in the process. Imagine the stress. Pick me pick me while not being able to say pick me?
Then there's the whole will I measure up am I good enough.
Am I too fat, too skinny, flat chested, will he think I'm pretty. Will he think I'm smart. Will he think I smell? Is my breath ok.
Is my body ok. Am I sexy. But not slutty?
All the while not outwardly making any moves. Talk about tricky.
Sometimes we do make the first move anyway lucky for you guys because it's a pain waiting for y'all to work up the guts to do what billions of men before you have done. No really don't be shy.

Jump in. We're willing I promise.

Hop right into pimp mode.

Put the game on them, you know how the rest go, You know how the rest go, go, go

a reply to: Lucidparadox

I don't get it, what is it you want? Sounds like you're looking for a # pretending to be a lover and complain about how your dishonesty is screwing up both?
Or are you really that messed up you can't tell the difference between an affair and a relationship? That's why you're in the friend zone, they smell your lies. Just tell them to get naked and dirty, I am sure one of them will and you obviously love neither so why all the false play?

The friend zone is where you begin for some women. Someone here said that us women have our girlfriends to fill that spot, but some of us don't. Some of us don't care for the drama that female filled spaces creates. So, guy friends can be what we rely on, and starting there is the best place, on my opinion.

originally posted by: chelsdh
The friend zone is where you begin for some women. Someone here said that us women have our girlfriends to fill that spot, but some of us don't. Some of us don't care for the drama that female filled spaces creates. So, guy friends can be what we rely on, and starting there is the best place, on my opinion.

For you, maybe. For OP, no. If you are the friend zone waiting for something to happen and you don't WANT to be in the friend zone (If you do, cool.) run. Get out. It's not worth the interminable wait.

a reply to: Lucidparadox

Based on my limited experience with the late 20's crowd, your experiences have been typical of my own: First date seems to go amazing, and then it just sort of fizzles. I can offer a bit of insight, though: As we get older, we don't try to rush straight into a relationship anymore. Instead of like the teens/early twenties "You like me? Great! You're my S.O. now!", people want to get to know you "hey, you seem nice - I want to make absolutely sure you are my sort of person. So before I give you the keys, show me you".

I'm starting to suspect that what is classified as a "friend zone" to those of us older isn't the same as the one back in your teens. Lately, my dates have been similar: We both flirt up to around Date 0 (where you meet them on a non-romantic date; attraction there), on the date itself get a feel for how we like each other's company, and go from there.

Seeing as I'm in the middle - I've noticed that the older girls (late twenties) tend to like to take their time to get to know you (because, you know...you might be "the one"), and the younger girls are more quick to jump into a relationship. But that's just me.

-fossilera

In your case, I'd say pick the one that feels right. Inject small amounts of flirting, do more with them. Invite them on a trip or two that you may or may not have spied out that they wanted to do, and you happen to have an extra ticket or seat available. Most importantly, don't rush the kiss - if it feels right, let it happen (and, if it goes south, say you thought the moment was right). Be prepared to take it slow.

Oh, and don't try to date both at once...it's always failed for me

a reply to: Hecate666

I will clarify a bit, since I feel I may have given the wrong impression to you.

I am super nice, I compliment to no end, I ask endless questions and show genuine interest in their lives and past. In the past.. being a nice guy and doing all the things a good honrable guy is supposed to do has worked for me in matching me with the girls I had feelings for. I dont really have "game" as people would call it.. my "game" was to trynto be the most amazing guy possible to who I was after until they couldnt take the tension anymore and moved first.

To be honest I know its my fault because I shouldnbe more "confident" and make a move.. but..


With situations in the past 7 months it has worked into a non friend zone situation, the girl clearly gave me a physical "runway".. as in.. one put her leg on me and layed her head on my shoulder.. which gave me the "opening" for a kiss.. another would constantly put her face right on front of mine during a hug..

The girls recently have essentially communicated with me that they like me that way, and want me tonmake a move.. but they keep a distance.. they dont "walk to the line" so to speak.. then after letting me in deeper and deeper into their lives.. they friendzone me because I dont make a move and lose that type of attraction for me.

I think one of the single least attractive things a guy can do is moan about being in the 'friend zone'. Because really, where is that?

Being friends with a woman you really like and enjoy spending company with is supposed to make us feel like we've come in second place just because there's no sex attached to the relationship?

Celebrate being friends with women. If put into the 'friend zone' think how blessed you are to be friends with a cool woman. Enjoy the friendship.

And sometimes, you know, women like to see that men also like being with them because there is a solid relationship there, and they're not just interested in getting laid, you know?

a reply to: Painterz

The only problem I have with the friendzone really has nothing to do with sex.

I am the sort of fellow who likes to hold a woman and be held. I like to curl up on the sofa with someone I care about, and just hang out, watch a movie, with the added loveliness of physical closeness, not necessarily brazen and carnal closeness, but...snuggleability, I guess you could call it. I like holding hands, and I like looking into a womans eyes for longer than is necessarily comfortable, where only a certain level of friendship exists, but is very pleasurable for two people who are romantically attached.

But more than all this, I think the biggest problem with the friendzone, is that to be in it means two very sad things. First, that once again we have been foolish with our hearts, and second, that we have been found lacking. There are few things as terrible for a persons psyche, as the effects of being foolish with ones heart, and being told that one is sub par, that one is only of limited use.

Regardless of the fact that a friend is a great thing to be IN ANY OTHER CIRCUMSTANCE, if you happen to be in love with someone who sees you as a friend, you may as well not exist for all that it makes a difference to how it actually FEELS! And I have to point out, right now, that without a shadow of a doubt, it is totally legitimate to feel like that when rejected. It is as normal as can be, not at all unusual, and not something to be overly concerned about.

The trick is, to not let that feeling go on beyond a week or two, before you get your crap together and act like a bloody grown up about it. But having the feeling? Totally legitimate. I would say it is an unavoidable consequence of this sort of thing.