I want you to teach me something that I desperately need

Hello ATS

First of all; this is very personal. Second, I really think you guys can help me with this. I am very glad to share this as I know I am in a very classy platform (a follower since 2000s)

I am a nice person. I know I am as I have many loving friends (feel very lucky). I care about people a lot; way too much. I have a 6th sense of emotion plus some mind reading. In times it helps me a lot but usually it just makes me sad. So the thing I wanna learn is not to give an F to the people who are egoists and just becomes friends with you because of your qualities and to use them.

Here comes the facts and some of them are strange.

- I need to quit giving people more than they are giving me. I do it sometimes to see how far they can go. But here is the catch: I only keep those people if I will need them in the future for networking/business etc. So I let them think they are using me but actually they are really not. This makes me tired.

- I am aggressive to those not before but after it is kind of late. Sometimes I do not take a stand before to overcome their bad behaviour (eg: saying something harsh when he/she is with someone or next to someone just to make them think the "bad-person" is above me.) I am very easy going at those times and very generous about roasting them at that point without a blink. Usually they get really pissed off and people laugh. But then; I think about that moment too much because I know that I am going to see them again and they will try to beat me argumentwise. Which never happens; they just quit. Just to not take the things to a point where it will get ugly; I back off usually.

- I like people; thats my life. I enjoy being with them yet alone I enjoy being alone also. Its my job to be with people. And it is a very critical thing. In my industry which is art, people back talk a lot. Its very very thin line trying to keep the relationships good as usually they are all really bad people.


Because my memory is good and I am highly emotional; I think about those moments and criticize. Makes me tired. I haven't found a way to overcome this. So please; teach me not to give a F and give some advices for future moments. If I can not fix those; give me hints so when I meet new people; I try them not to go thru those stuff again.

Waiting for your beloved responses.
Love.

a reply to: belkide

No one is going to be able to teach you this, you need to be introspective and make the adjustments yourself.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Someone please accept his challenge

Yes you are right and I know that. I just want to know if there is something can be done.

I think it's called 'borderline personality disorder'.

Talk about high maintenance. I got exhausted just trying to skim that.

a reply to: SentientCentenarian

Borderline is completely different. I have a couple of friends and they damage people; not themselves usually. They are not very concious about that even if they do damage.

a reply to: belkide

Try not to dwell too much on the past, and take people for what they are...

Should be easy IF you can read minds

a reply to: Akragon

Its not like reading the thoughts. Its reading the intensions clearly. Cmon

I try to do it. Really. But its business and I need to be more self-protective mindwise.

a reply to: belkide

You cannot put other peoples' immediate reactions/perceptions be your first priority. 1st priority should be You. You need to value your own needs more than (or at least at the same level as) those you are interacting with, otherwise YOU will always come 2nd.

That's a start.

You may want to look into reading "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron - might have some insightful tips for you, just a thought!

a reply to: FamCore

Great tip! I will look into it definitely. Thanks.

originally posted by: belkide

- I need to quit giving people more than they are giving me. I do it sometimes to see how far they can go. But here is the catch: I only keep those people if I will need them in the future for networking/business etc. So I let them think they are using me but actually they are really not. This makes me tired.

So you are actually the one using people, and you're upset because it makes you tired?

Stop manipulating people and using them.

I am a nice person.

a reply to: NthOther

Its not like that. Its called "networking" . Its not "using" in terms of your dictionary. Something different.

It is like "barter".

a reply to: belkide

Sounds like you got everything under control.
I for example am an empath too and can't stand being around people because they are mostly pretending and lying. It usually takes me ten minutes to find out their weak spots and I am not proud of it but I can make everybody storm out of the room crying, with one sentence.
I gave up on people mostly, hate most of them really. I just find the dissonance between their projected personality and the obvious truth that for me is boldly written all over their faces, much, much, much too exhausting, I don't lie I don't want to support their pretending, so I avoid them.
Seems like you could teach me
Rock on

a reply to: belkide

Never do anything expecting a reward but don't let yourself be taken advantage of. If you feel yourself resenting doing for others, stop... at that point it's not them but you that is the problem. Wish them love, grieve and move on. If you're truly an empathic person, you will get hurt there's no way around it unless you decide to go ice cold.

You will take things much more personally than you should and imagine slights that don't exist. Always ask yourself if something was intentional, if it wasn't and you value the relationship talk to the person... don't whine or accuse just talk. If something was intentional or you realize the person just didn't care enough about you... wish them well, acknowledge you're hurt but with intention think about all the good people you have or anything that you have to be grateful for.

You have 7 billion people to choose from.

Hope that helps.

I think you need radical acceptance, OP.

Cause the truth is we all get used... no matter what. And it's ok sometimes. It's actually flattering when people value you for what you can do, and want to use you for your skills. Also, consider the fact that not getting used can actually be way more depressing than the alternative (like when you apply for a job and don't get it, etc).

Hope this helps. I tried.

originally posted by: belkide
a reply to: SentientCentenarian

Borderline is completely different. I have a couple of friends and they damage people; not themselves usually. They are not very concious about that even if they do damage.

So why are they your friends? I avoid people like that, like the plague that they are. But then again, I'm quite happy with my own company and don't need others around 24/7 to complain about after I let them use me while I'm using them....

originally posted by: belkide
Hello ATS

First of all; this is very personal. Second, I really think you guys can help me with this. I am very glad to share this as I know I am in a very classy platform (a follower since 2000s)

I am a nice person. I know I am as I have many loving friends (feel very lucky). I care about people a lot; way too much. I have a 6th sense of emotion plus some mind reading. In times it helps me a lot but usually it just makes me sad. So the thing I wanna learn is not to give an F to the people who are egoists and just becomes friends with you because of your qualities and to use them.

Here comes the facts and some of them are strange.

- I need to quit giving people more than they are giving me. I do it sometimes to see how far they can go. But here is the catch: I only keep those people if I will need them in the future for networking/business etc. So I let them think they are using me but actually they are really not. This makes me tired.

- I am aggressive to those not before but after it is kind of late. Sometimes I do not take a stand before to overcome their bad behaviour (eg: saying something harsh when he/she is with someone or next to someone just to make them think the "bad-person" is above me.) I am very easy going at those times and very generous about roasting them at that point without a blink. Usually they get really pissed off and people laugh. But then; I think about that moment too much because I know that I am going to see them again and they will try to beat me argumentwise. Which never happens; they just quit. Just to not take the things to a point where it will get ugly; I back off usually.

- I like people; thats my life. I enjoy being with them yet alone I enjoy being alone also. Its my job to be with people. And it is a very critical thing. In my industry which is art, people back talk a lot. Its very very thin line trying to keep the relationships good as usually they are all really bad people.


Because my memory is good and I am highly emotional; I think about those moments and criticize. Makes me tired. I haven't found a way to overcome this. So please; teach me not to give a F and give some advices for future moments. If I can not fix those; give me hints so when I meet new people; I try them not to go thru those stuff again.

Waiting for your beloved responses.
Love.

I know it will be hard at first; but you need to be honest with people who take or expect too much of you.

All you have to say is "No" I can't do it. I used to try to give people explanations, but you don't owe everyone
An explanation period.

I once got suckered into driving a coworker to work simply because someone else I worked with told her where I lived. It was a little out of the way, but I justified it as I was helping someone out. Fast forward 1 year later; this girls constant lateness was now making me tardy, which I despise. The last straw was I show up at her house, not only did she not call me to tell me she wasn't going that day; she didn't even give me the courtesy of coming to my car in the driveway to tell me (before cellphones). I found out at work she called in when I got there Late.

You get emotional because you've let it go too far.

Protect yourself and don't let people walk all over you; keep the emotions out of
tough situations to stop it from escalating.

Think happy thoughts

a reply to: belkide

Social groups can be difficult things. People will dissapoint you, either through behaving callously or unlovingly toward you, or by behaving in such a way toward one another, or both. The important thing is not to give up on those who have shown you that they do care about you, to be able to see the wood for the trees, so to speak.

If you have to take a modelling scalpel to your social group and get rid of some chaff every now and again, then do not be afraid to do it.

Simply put- I think you think too much-about yourself.

Your head seems very filled up with all your ideas and how important they are and how people take advantage of you and how you are just too good for people.

Concentrate less on yourself-it will make you a happier person.

Don't mean to sound so blunt-but, there it is.

a reply to: belkide

Get a new job....you are not cut out for working around so many people who try to emulate Alpha-Female personality dynamics but end up evolving into a passive aggressive quasi-female one.......the opposite end of the spectrum is everyone trying to emulate an Alpha-Male impact.

To find sucess in your Industry you have had to learn to use your instincts and intuition and empathy MUCH TO MUCH and it is beginning to change your "core being"....you are not only drained and borderline burnt out but you are quickly approaching the Rubicon of your possibly permanent emotional morphing.

You could simply make sure you spend some quality time in a polar opposite dynamic environment...join a Sports Team or any type of competative Team even a Cooking or Sewing Team will do as long as there is some NO BULL-SPIT competition where headgames are discouraged with boots to the hiney ....you need to experience a more PURE sense of accountability...a more straightforward one.

Trot down to your local Community Sports Center and join a Team and make some new friends....it wont cost you much...and the rewards could be exponential.

a reply to: belkide

So the thing I wanna learn is not to give an F to the people who are egoists and just becomes friends with you because of your qualities and to use them.

Oh dear. Not such a nice person as you think you are, then.

A weak will and an inability to say 'no' to people are not the same thing as moral character. Your post reveals a human being who sees relationships as a form of commerce, judging them in terms of their material and emotional benefits to yourself, and who is naturally manipulative in a passive-aggressive way. I bet you use guilt as a lever all the time and are forever telling people about the sacrifices you have made for them.

The only good thing is that you are obviously very young and green. Adolescents are naturally selfish. Maybe when you are older, you will learn to appreciate people better and genuinely care for them, instead of keeping a ledger of favours done and returned in each of your acquaintances.