Never experienced so much spiritual confusion

I dont know how to write this.

Im not depressed (much), I just feel a bit lost.

The reason is because there is a woman in my life, who i care deeply for...
But I havent been intimate with a woman for a long time, and never in a mature way... So it has taken me some time to adjust.. and there are some doubts... like i cant help feeling sometimes im not ready to love her.. but then my heart rebels and says no its fine, just relax and take things slow, but then my mind starts thinking what if i blow it, and i start panicking... I was alone for a few years, and felt constantly stressed about things, and lonely, so it feels so nice to finally have someone, but im also struggling to figure a lot of different things out, and now here she is, making everything infinitely more complicated than it already was... I dont know how to proceed. Has anyone experienced this before? What happened? How did you get through it? I need all the advice and help I can get. Thanks.

Stop thinking about things and toughen up a little and go with the flow.

a reply to: onequestion

hmm

a reply to: 0hlord

Look at it from a positive side, she might be able to help and support.

If you feel the love now, i would go for it.

But it's hard to advice you, not knowing what your troubles are.

Sounds like you guys were made for each other.

a reply to: 0hlord

Hi Ohlord,
I think anyone who has been hurt or alone for a while feels the same trepidation when a new relationship is on the horizon.
You say that you care deeply for this woman...how does she make you feel?
Do you feel better/happier when you're with her, or talking to her?
Or do you feel stressed and anxious?

If she makes you feel good, then go for it! Take that step...move forward with your life.
Change is always scary, but this could be really wonderful for both of you. (She's likely stressing a bit too.)

Don't let fear of what "could" happen stop you from going ahead with her.
This "could" be really good for you.
jacy

When you love somebody, you will always put them first. If so proceed.
If you are thinking more about how it will affect your life... Pump the brakes

a reply to: 0hlord

This isn't really much spiritual as it pertains to the flesh.
Anyway, don't stress about intimacy. When it happens don't think anything about it. Put some relaxing music in the backgroud as this will ease tension and if any awkward silence occurs, the music will ease it.
Make sure to make a long playlist as sex does take a long time. Especially if you haven't done it in a while.

If anything make this the last thing on your priority list. Take her out places that remind you of home and childhood memories. Show her things you enjoy and teach her new things.
She's another human being on earth for a spiritual awakening or repairing. Either way, make love last as memories. Not as a flesh thing that anybody knows how to do.

a reply to: jacygirl

Well, were still in the just getting to know each other stage, so it feels confusing...

But I will say, I havent met someone with such a pure heart in a long time... so I care for her a lot, and love her deeply.. I learned a lot about love, life and everything, just by being near her...

but sometimes I just feel im not the right person for her... and i get the feeling she feels the same... I want whats right for her, and I want whats right for both of us, but the idea of her not being so close to me anymore breaks my heart...

I dont know how to deal with this.

a reply to: 0hlord

The question here is, are you ready for a long-term commitment? If not, then you aren't ready for the physical. There is a strong spiritual aspect to physical relations, and it seems as though you might understand this, deep down. Best recommendation, wait, see how things go, and if it comes to the long-term, then reexamine this issue.

originally posted by: 0hlord
a reply to: jacygirl


I dont know how to deal with this.

It sounds as if your heart is already involved. It's not for you to decide if you're good (or good enough) for her...that's her decision. You say you 'get the feeling' that she feels that way, but you can't assume. She might just be nervous too.

If being with her improves the quality of your life (and your heart), then I would say that you should take a chance.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that.

I'm an optimist at heart though, and I believe that love is the most important thing. Just go slow, get to know each other better. If the relationship gets serious (and physical)...then truly, just go with the flow. Let it happen.
She sounds lovely.
jacy

a reply to: LadyGreenEyes

yeah, she has helped me understand things very well...

These were things I already knew, deep down, but the world made me forget..... now im remembering again, so its very confusing... a few morning ago I woke up thinking about my kung fu teacher... & i went to a tai chi class on monday... it helps a lot... but my heart is still very confused and kind of in shock... i just hope in time i will be able to come to terms with it all, because at the moment its very overwhelming and confusing... at the same time i also feel blessed... and i think even if it doesnt work out between us, the inspiration from spending time with her will have some lasting impact in my life.. and I hope the heartbreak wont be too devastating... I think i need to get to the point where I have the strength to see her with another man and be fine with it... & i think the sooner i can build that strength the better, because no matter what happens between us i know i need to be stronger than i have been.

Listen to an older woman. Life is short. Make the most of it. Be fearless-go with with your heart-no trepidation. The physical is just as important as the spiritual and its sounds like you know you're ready-just fearful of being hurt or hurting her. You're the man-take charge-gently-be a man and a gentleman-it's time for the next step-I can hear from your posts. Best wishes-life is a journey-go for it.

a reply to: 0hlord

Read the Bible...the confusion is yours own it. You are creating your own personal hell.

a reply to: 0hlord

I normally would not comment on something like this, but I feel strangely obligated to do so. Don't take anything I say as being negative.

First, it's obvious that you have some self-esteem issues. Most people do. You are not alone there. In a world in which we create false ideas of what our roles are as men, women, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, etc, it can be depressing for many when they believe they are not living-up to what they believe is expected of them.

It's all bull#.

There is no perfect model to live-up to. You can only be who you are and find the person that accepts you for who you are, and visa versa.

In the movie Good Will Hunting, Robin Williams talks about his dead wife and the things he remembers/missed the most. It wasn't how perfect his wife was, how beautiful she was or how she met all the expectations he expected. He remembered and loved her for her imperfections. Specifically, he talked about how he she used to fart in her sleep...bad enough to wake the dog.

That is what makes for a true, loving relationship. It's not about meeting expectations. It's about loving someone for who they are and loving the things that make them imperfect. We are all imperfect. We all blow-it from time to time and you are going to blow-it, guaranteed. You will expose your imperfections and so will she.

If she loves you, she will learn to embrace your imperfections, as you should embrace her's.

Have confidence in yourself. Be yourself and do not try to live-up to expectations.

When you find someone that loves you for the things you think are negative about yourself, you have found the right one.

Good luck, Romeo!

It's too early on to call it off, and too early to call for full speed ahead. Slow it down. You don't have to marry the girl, so just enjoy her company, and as another poster said, go with the flow. Whether or not it happens is a mystery right now. Enjoy it.

originally posted by: 0hlord
But I havent been intimate with a woman for a long time, and never in a mature way...

If you already have some sort of relationship, then you are already intimate
knocking boots is just a fun shared activity, the intimacy is the connection formed in and out of the bedroom
aka, you already did the hard part, the rest is just having some fun, doing awkward experimentation, etc.
If you've been alone for awhile, its the shattering of being alone that is the hurdle
and you are talking like you're past that.
So
Stop your fussing

love her.. but then my heart rebels and says no its fine, just relax and take things slow, but then my mind starts thinking what if i blow it, and i start panicking...

...you're already past this point, stop looking behind you and wondering if the past should remain the past..its past, deal with what is ahead of you now, the choice is already made

but im also struggling to figure a lot of different things out, and now here she is, making everything infinitely more complicated than it already was...

You are struggling to figure things out, and you decided (subconsciously perhaps) that you want to figure stuff out with a companion.
That isn't more complicated, that was your choice. just accept your choice

the advice and help I can get. Thanks.

I recommend shared hobbies. it keeps things fun.

a reply to: 0hlord

Shouldn't this be moved to the Agony Aunt forum ?

a reply to: 0hlord

Sounds like she's important to you. Yet, you seem to believe that it won't work out. Any particular reason? Maybe it will. Don't be too quick to write things off. If it doesn't work, sure, be prepared for that, too.

We can find strength in the things we have to face in life. Steel is forced in fire, after all, and becomes stronger as a result.