I am Manic Depressive.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

I am never really in remission but I've had no active disease since Oct. 2013. PET scans and brain MRIs every three months will hopefully catch it early if it comes back. Every time I go take a scan the anxiety is hell that its back again. But thank you I do realize just how lucky and blessed I am to be alive.

I agree with you about the strength of mind/body connection. Problem is, most of the time my body does'nt feel that great. Lots of chronic pain in my face and back. It does not hurt when I'm up though. I don't think its because mania is a painkiller, just that you don't really think of it because there is so many other interesting things going on so it takes a backseat.

I feel bad about lying to the wife too. She seems to think that taking these pills will "fix" me. She tells me that she wants my old self back and she is always crying. If I am happy she is crying, if I am depressed she is crying. She has all of her hopes pinned on me taking some magic pills and that will be that.

But I know that this is really just the beginning. She has stuck with me through two wars and many cancer treatments, and now I get to drag her along on this effed up ride with this crap.

The headshrink I went to did'nt tell me a type, he really did'nt say much except when he gave me my prescriptions. I do remember trying to will myself to sit still in his office and failing at it pretty bad. I got to see him again in a week so I'll ask him then. Cymbalta, prazosil and doxepin was what he gave me.

I like your motorcycle analogy. And I do realize its important when I'm down to just go outside and stand in the sun at least. I do live out in the country and there is some pretty scenery and being outside will make me feel better but damn sometimes its all I can do just to do that. I can do some physical activity I just get tired easy so I gotta take breaks. Unless I'm manic. If I'm manic though, I can forget about something like working on a broke down bike because I just can't focus or pay that much attention to one thing at that time.

I have been up for the past three days and its going away now and the emptiness coming back. It always starts in my stomach and creeps up my spine before it finally grabs my head and won't let go. It sucks, but it really sucks for my wife. I am not suicidal. I do believe thats like breaking a contract with God and life is short anyway. I've survived lots o f things that has killed others so I'm not about to off myself now, but I totally understand why people off their families before they shoot themselves and I hate that I understand that now whereas used to I could'nt fathom it.

You are right, my mind has been through alot I guess and I can't ignore this anymore. Thank you for the well written response and kind words.

a reply to: rickymouse

For some reason, when I'm depressed I want carbs and chocolate to eat.

Do you have a recipe for this NAC? Or maybe a link with some good information about it? Sounds interesting. Would'nt that be awesome if I could manage this with a bowl of soup a day.

originally posted by: Cancerwarrior
a reply to: rickymouse

For some reason, when I'm depressed I want carbs and chocolate to eat.

Do you have a recipe for this NAC? Or maybe a link with some good information about it? Sounds interesting. Would'nt that be awesome if I could manage this with a bowl of soup a day.

Throw a cut up chicken in a pot of water, put in a little sage, salt and pepper. A small onion, ten drops of tabasco sauce, a couple of cloves of garlic, an ounce of kikkoman's soy sauce, two sticks of celery, some carrots, and about a half a pound of cabbage chunks and boil for about two hours. Then add some frozen mixed veggies, about four ounces, and add either rice or noodles. Rice takes about twenty minutes, noodles take about eleven or so minutes. It has a weak sulfide bond that seems to break easily with heat but keeping sulfur veggies in the pot allows the bond to be replenished. So it retains it's natural chemistry while moving into the broth. NAC is also antiviral.

It's enough soup to eat for lunch for about five or six days with big chunks of meat. You can take the meat off the bones after it is cooked somewhat if you do not want bones in the soup.

I use soups as my main source of controlling my epilepsy, I make a pot every week, a cup every day controls my epilepsy. NAC and Taurine both can be used to control epilepsy.

You could eat salt Cod fish also, it contains the chemistry, it is dried and preserved. Real sausage is aged, it also contains this chemistry, but when they bring the temp up it destroys this chemistry. A rare steak also contains some of this. You don't want to eat rare pork or chicken though. Fish can be less well cooked also. This chemistry is stable up to about a hundred and eighty degrees under the right conditions. You can go higher if other conditions are met.

a reply to: Cancerwarrior

Hello my friend!
First of all, It's very clever of you to post something like this here. You are giving yourself a chance to get some really good, alternative replies. As for your family who's not able to understand what you are going through; People can only see and understand what THEIR knowledge and insight allowes them to see. It is almost impossible to understand something you haven't actually experienced yourself. I would like for you to consider me not as a person trying to give you advice or lessons, but rather someone who could create a potentially new voice with more power, peace and light that can help find the connection to your inner self. I am offering you a perspective which allowes you not to look at the depression as an illness, but rather as a trick played by your mind. Before you read any further, please keep an open mind.

So, I have chosen not to be part of the reality most people seem to live in these days. To be honest with you, I don't even keep track of the "normal reality" anymore. It is too much of a hassle and frankly I experience no personal growth whatsoever taking part of it. Feeling negativity around every corner. The fear, the judgement, the brainless thinking of human kind. It's the reason I stopped. It's also the reason why I one day found myself feeling like I was waking up from a state of hypnosis. But sometimes I stop and wonder. I observe people running around, stressed, having insanely bad health. They are caught up in a never ending rollercoaster that takes them up and down and they never jump off. They just go along for the ride and before they know it, it's over. But they never took control of their own destiny. It's sad isn't it? How people live their lives but never realize that this is the life you were given and you are the only one who can make it a life worth living.

I have been on the dark path and back again. I know the feeling of two sides splitting up, the one being low and the other being high. I know every little corner and I have experienced emotions that has been so negative, I didn't believe there was light to be found. What I'm trying to tell you is I know how it feels to lose the light. Being sucked down in an endless circle of highs and lows. Even when my only nutrition was self-development books, my mind always managed to remind me of that poison which clouded every part of me. And I couldn't seem to get rid of it. But out of nowhere I could gain control so easily and everything fell into place before it all felt so pointless again.

Ok so that's enough looking back into the past. Here is what you need to do if you ever want to get out of that rat race. First, Believe. In yourself, in someone else, in something. It does not matter as long as you believe in something bigger than what your depression can conquer. In order to break your connection to these feelings attached to the depression, first thing you have to realize is that there is no actual depression. And what I mean by that is we are so attached to our emotions that we forget to realize that they are simply just manifistations of us wanting to understand things better. Get emotionally disiplined. You need to break your patterns. Change your habbits. It is the only way you are gonna be able to control that part of your mind. Breaking patterns are one of the hardest things we will ever do. You need to use your willpower, and from what I understand, you have got a lot of it. As soon as you feel the "darkness" is coming, you need to be very concious about how your bodylanguage is starting to shift. Don't back down. It takes guts to confront yourself. I found looking at myself in the mirror and saying out loud things that would be the opposite of what I would say if I was feeling dark. It's just an illusion. Please think of the possibility of this also being a way for the universe wanting you to go through this for a much bigger purpose in the future. I believe everything happens for a reason.

I don't know much about you or your story. But what I do know is that you have shared the deepest part of yourself with us, you have allowed yourself a chance at breaking free. You don't want to be a victim of your emotions. You are gonna gain control and start living the life you were meant for with passion, love and peace. Focus on what really matters to you. What are the reasons that you can think of that can make you feel inspired? It doesent matter what it is, as long as it's something that gives you a sense of BEING.

This man helped me a lot and I know he can be of assistance to you as well. His name is Anthony Robbins. You can listen to him on youtube. He has changed lives of people all over the world which were suicidal, depressed and so on. We only need a little inspiration to make BIG things happen in our life. Self-development is crucial for everyone. If you don't feel like you are mentally and spiritually growing, you will never feel fulfilled. What we feed ourselves determines our appetite. Also keep in mind that what you feed your body also has a big impact on your mental state as well as you physical health (You would not believe how much!!). Eat organic if you can, try quitting dairy products and meat. Quitting a little is better than nothing. Stay away from sugar.

These are some herbs I would recommend for you as well. They are the finest of herbs from the nature itself and will only be of good use for you. But please contact your doctor to check if there are any of these ingredients you should not be taking considering your medical history. Ron Teeguardens dragon herbs. I myself take Shilajit, The great stabilizer (works fantastic on helping to stabilizing emotions) and the one called Will Power.

Thank you for spending your time reading this.
Much love,
Line

a reply to: SpirIns

It's sad isn't it? How people live their lives but never realize that this is the life you were given and you are the only one who can make it a life worth living.

Agree with you 100 percent. I see a world full of people worrying about the stupidest things acting like they are never going to die one day.

first thing you have to realize is that there is no actual depression. And what I mean by that is we are so attached to our emotions that we forget to realize that they are simply just manifistations of us wanting to understand things better.

This really resonates with me. I never thought of what emotions do at their core.

As soon as you feel the "darkness" is coming, you need to be very concious about how your bodylanguage is starting to shift. Don't back down. It takes guts to confront yourself.

Yes it does, pretty sad that I'm this old and finally starting to find that out. I like when Yoda tells Luke, "When you look at the darkside, careful you must be, for the darkside looks back."

Please think of the possibility of this also being a way for the universe wanting you to go through this for a much bigger purpose in the future. I believe everything happens for a reason.

I believe this too. I've experienced it firsthand actually. I've had really good things happen to me that came out of really bad things happening so I know exactly what you're saying.

So when I originally posted this I was coming off a three day upswing and could feel my body starting to crash. I went ahead and started taking the meds shortly after so I have been on them for 5 days now and already I can tell a big difference. The first two days I just slept and slept and actually got up feeling rested, something that really has'nt happened in years. I can sit still too. Funny thing I did not notice how much I moved around and how restless my body language was until it stopped. I've been doing alot of reading on things like Inosityl which is supposed to really help mood disorders and sleeping. I think the pills are good for short term but long term I want as few pills as possible.

I will check out the dragon herbs. That is a wonderful suggestion thank you. In fact, the wisdom and insight in your post is moving beyond words. Thank you for the reply.

a reply to: rickymouse

Sounds delicious. Especially on a cold day. I think I'll make a pot tonight and eat on it for a few days. I like recipes that don't involve daily cooking, thanks ricky!

a reply to: Cancerwarrior

I have to reply to your message here because I cannot send PM. I have to make more posts in order to do so according to the STAFF.

I'm glad we can connect with eachother. Sometimes, all we need is someone to remind us of our core-self which may have been hidden or forgotten along the path of distractions.

Thank you for the warm welcome. I have been following this forum ever since I came across "The self-Proclaimed Illuminati Insider", which was quite fascinating. I have never really wanted to be a part of it, but I guess things have changed for me.

Your wife is half Norwegian? That's an interesting coincidence. Then you must travel and see it! I like it. However, I will be leaving next year to experience even better places.
How are you feeling these days my friend?