I am Manic Depressive.

For those of you who aren't that familiar with this particular mental disorder, I'll post the definition for you:

Manic-depression: Alternating moods of abnormal highs (mania) and lows (depression). Called bipolar disorder because of the swings between these opposing poles in mood. A type of depressive disease. Not nearly as prevalent as other forms of depressive disorders. Sometimes the mood switches are dramatic and rapid, but most often they are gradual. Mania often affects thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that cause serious problems and embarrassment. For example, unwise business or financial decisions may be made when an individual is in a manic phase. Bipolar disorder is often a chronic recurring condition.

www.medicinenet.com...

Most people seem to generalize it as "happy one day, sad the next." There are many more complex aspects to it though. Now that You've read the book definition I am going to attempt to tell you what its like to experience it. (at least for me.)

I am constantly my own worst enemy. It's like the old cartoons where someone has an angel and a devil sitting on their shoulder giving them their opposing viewpoints pros and cons etc. Except mine talk at the same time and I can do what they're both saying at the same time.

The days where i am depressed are horrible, and I am depressed way more than I am manic. Its not like its just a bad mood, its like having the weight of the entire world on you, and your mind knows that its irrational but knowing this still does not stop it. The more you try to ignore it the louder it gets. Its like all color is gone from the world. I cannot be around anyone else because I am the one experiencing it and explain all you want to, nobody that does'nt have it is going to get what you're saying, but they think they do. It's like why war veterans don't like talking about being in a war with somebody who has'nt been there. They can't possible understand so why bother. Might as well explain to the wall. There is no motivation for anything. My normal things like archery, reading, working on the motorcycle, bring nothing but emptiness. Everything is empty and hollow and pointless in the fact that it even exists. Including me and everyone around me. I feel no God, no spirituality.


When I get on the other end of the spectrum however, it is awesome. Being manic is friggin incredible. I go from having the weight of the world on me, to being on top of the world. Not only are the colors back in the world, but they are brighter, more vivid. Not only is there meaning in actions, words, people, but I find connections during this time in everything and everyone around me. I have so much energy, so many ideas, my mind is racing from one thought to the next so intensely its incredible like the most potent feel good drug you have ever taken. My body does not hurt, the chronic pain in my back and face goes away. Instead of staying away from everyone, I can't get enough interacting with people when I'm manic. I'm also a comedic genius when I'm like this and jokes pop into my mind where I'm usually keeping the people around me laughing pretty hard. I like making people laugh (because who the hell does'nt like a good joke right?) and these things seem to feed the mania. I can't concentrate much though, its hard to focus and stay on one project still instead of starting twenty different ones that day, but man oh man, does it feel so incredible that it almost makes up for the days when I can't motivate myself to do anything at all. I don't need to eat, or sleep but maybe a few hours if I can go to sleep at all. In fact I kind of hate sleeping, so this is actually welcome when it happens. I am fully alive on so many levels.

If I stay away from drinking (alcohol triggers the depression in me, but it lasts far longer and is more intense) I can stay manic for 3-5 days maybe. The depressive episodes seem to last about 7-10 days, sometimes a little less or more.

Thing is,I am recently diagnosed, but I have been dealing with this for years now. Not realizing (or admiting to myself) that I have a mental illness. People seem to think that you just snap in and out from one mood to another. Not true. I can usually tell when I'm about to swing from one extreme to the other. I would try to self medicate with alcohol and drugs, only temporary fixes though. For the past few years I have been disabled and can't work anymore. I have alot of free time on my hands now. I used to tell myself before, that I was not mentally ill. I am fine. I am just like everyone else. Everyone has good days and bad days and I am no different. Sometimes I'm moody so what. Used to I could manage the symptoms by staying busy with work, mortgage, bills you know, life.

It seems that quality time with myself in recent years has blown this thing wide open now. There is no denying my symptoms to myself (or anyone that knows me for that matter) and the psychiatrist has prescribed me some meds to go to sleep at night and "stabilize my moods".

Heres the thing though. I don't want to be "fixed". I like being manic when I'm manic. I don't want to take these meds. I don't want to gain a bunch of weight, nausea, dry mouth, constipation, etc etc that all of these friggin meds seem to have. OK, so I will get rid of the depression/mania and then have a whole other host of problems to deal with. I will also forever get to say bye bye to the only part of myself that I like. Which is my frenemy the mania.

I have to unlearn many things that I have learned over the years to do these meds. I am going to have to radically change my lifestyle to adapt to taking pills every day and actually sleeping at night. I have read so many horror stories of medication and people trying all kinds of pill cocktails until they finally find one that works for them. Just thinking about doing all of this is too daunting for me. Just contemplating it alone saps the energy out of me and wants to send me into a full blown panic attack if I think about it too much.

So maybe then I should just be alone. If I isolate myself, I won't have to worry about how I come off to everyone else. I won't have to worry about what the hell they think of me because it will just be me. I can be free to be as depressed or manic as I feel like. My actions or inactions won't hurt others

I don't know what to do and I am at a major crossroads. My family does not understand. I have nobody to talk to about this so I am reaching out to ask my other dysfunctional family that is ATS.

I want to hear the good, bad and the ugly from any other manic depressives who know what I'm talking about. I really could use your input.

Ask yourself, do you really want to take sleeping pills. Although basically a doctor may tell you they are harmless, but once you are hooked on them it takes a lot of energy to get off them. Almonds are very helpful before bed.

Depression and confusion, I wonder if they go hand in hand. Maybe a doctor here can come on board and answer that.

Exercise both keeps the mind and body active.

Are you taking Risperdal?

Thank you for sharing your personal story with us! I'm sure others will come along and give you some good advice. Have you discussed with your Doctor how you feel about taking medication? It's true that with medications it is all trial and error before you get what works best for you.

About sleeping pills...There is a natural product called Melatonin that comes in different mg's. Even my Doctor agreed it would be good to use. It does help.

a reply to: musicismagic

Ask yourself, do you really want to take sleeping pills.

Nope, not at all. I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Almonds are very helpful before bed.

I drank a half bottle of sleepytime medicine last night. Did absolutely nothing but make me pee alot, so I doubt almonds would do much more. Thanks for the suggestion though.

Depression and confusion, I wonder if they go hand in hand.

For me they absolutely do. The manic episodes take the fog away and I can see things from many different angles and how they fit. Maybe its not "real" to everyone else but its very "real" to me.

Are you taking Risperdal?

I am taking nothing at all. After all of the cancer treatments, radiation, drugs etc I am glad not to be taking any of that crap. So now this new diagnosis is something that I am going to be having to take medicine to "fix" for the rest of my life. Most people say they have to try drug cocktails for years before they find the right one often having bad side effects from the drugs that don't work.

I have the meds. I lied to my wife and told her I started taking them yesterday. Truth is I'm scared to take them and I'm scared not to take them.

a reply to: Night Star

About sleeping pills...There is a natural product called Melatonin that comes in different mg's. Even my Doctor agreed it would be good to use. It does help.

Hello Nightstar always a pleasure to see you around!

I tried Melatonin, it helps to be calmer and fall asleep easier even though I still only sleep an hour or two it makes me remember my dreams. I honestly don't like to remember my dreams which is why I would self medicate with green tobacco before bedtime to suppress dream recall and make me sleepy.

The green stuff does'nt have that effect on me anymore though. Sometimes it sends me into full blown mania and I really will get no sleep that night because I'm having too much fun being in my own head.

To be honest I don't care about the not sleeping part. I never feel tired except when I'm depressed and I'm going to feel tired and wore out when I'm in that frame of mind anyway.

I dated a girl with a background in psychology for a couple of years and she told me that I was manic depressive which didn't really sit well with me as it seemed judgmental and one thing that will turn me sour really quick is when I feel judged. In hindsight though I've come to realize that I do in fact have these extreme highs and lows though never been diagnosed and never will. I don't need some quack with an overpriced degree to tell me about myself because well I already know and no I do not want to take your poisonous little pills.

I'm also tired of people telling me that "I just need to love myself". I don't even know what that actually means because I feel like I love the heck out of myself in fact sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who does love me. I feel like I can still love myself and feel sad or lonely at the same time. So I know what you mean by not wanting to be around others so as not to affect them with your mood or be judged because of it. Most people that know me don't even know how bad the lows are because when I feel that way I isolate myself as well.

Their is hope though and I have found relief in the form of a plant that I'm not really supposed to talk about here. That is my go to when I have a really bad like crying bad kind of day, instantly feel better and even happy after medicating. I'd much rather take my chances with that than any big pharma alternative. That's a big part of why I really dislike people that are stubbornly opposed to our friendly plant, because they obviously do not personally know the joy that it can bring people so they would deny you that out of ignorance. Didn't mean for this to be a message of advocacy just that there is science to back up everything I just said and I'm not the only person to ever say this so maybe worth a shot for you or maybe not. After all we all need to find our own path's of enlightenment and happiness.

I hope things get better for you I really do because I know what it's like to be where you are and it is not a fun place to be, Namaste.

a reply to: RainbowPhoenix

I totally agree with you on the plant. I've used it for years. It helped me stay sane and not so much nausea with the melanoma treatments.

Problem is, it does'nt have the calming effect anymore. I don't live in a state where its legal, and I can't grow my own. So I have no control over what strain or anything that I get. Some strains are OK, many just make the problem worse or only help temporarily. My mind and body has changed as I have gotten older. Life changes you.

Yeah, weed used to help me out, but then again I used to think 311 was a good band too.

a reply to: Cancerwarrior

I have the meds. I lied to my wife and told her I started taking them yesterday. Truth is I'm scared to take them and I'm scared not to take them.

You could always try them and if you don't like them, stop and tell your Doctor why. I know it sucks that people have to keep trying meds at different dosages before they get what really works for them, but give it a try. You just might find something that works for you.

a reply to: Night Star

You could always try them and if you don't like them, stop and tell your Doctor why. I know it sucks that people have to keep trying meds at different dosages before they get what really works for them, but give it a try. You just might find something that works for you.

My mind keeps saying screw everybody just go live out in the woods like Thoreau or something. But I know thats the mania+lack of sleep talking. Thats not realistic for me as great as it sounds.

So yeah, I will probably spend alot of energy and time trying to "control" this. Lots of pills and even more mood swings before I hopefully finally maybe get it right and I can be normal like everyone else is.

Where I am conflicted (and I really did not realize until I started this thread) is the love/hate relationship I have with the manic side of myself. Once I do these meds that guys going to be gone forever and I know everyone tells me that I should'nt, but I like it when I'm that guy.

You are ever the optimist NightStar, God bless you I hope you never change.

a reply to: Cancerwarrior

Your life sounds similar to mine, and i also suffer from manic depression. I was on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics for 7 years. Every 6 months or so they would change my meds because i complained the meds did little to nothing for me but turn me into a zombie. I quit all the meds without reducing 8 years ago, i just binned them and thought "forget this s**t, im going to make myself well!!"

I decided to join a gym and weight train hard for muscular hypertrophy and to increase my cardiovascular system. (this was during a manic phase) i trained hard and felt great, a healthy body leads to a healthy mind i had read somewhere and boy it really does! Because of the mania the natural high you get from training was highly intensified. But because after awhile it becomes repetitive and redundant, pointless and meaningless (in my head) i become lonely and hit the drink and drugs hard.

So for the last 10 years I go through phases of sitting in taking drugs and playing on my ps4 for weeks on end living in a fantasy land. I clean myself less, i rarely communicate with others and eat crap food. Then ill go through a phase of training hard, eating a healthy diet, communicating with all my friends and family and like you OP i am quite the comedian and life and soul of the group. Also my hygiene is borderline OCT and life feels like a constant high. This phase can last a few months at most.

I understand what your going through all to well, and your right, no one understands unless they had the same thing. My friends and family think im nuts but i cant help it. Also id like to add when im down i cant sleep for s**t!! But when im high in manic mode i sleep like a baby which is odd, because its usually the other way round for people.

a reply to: ParanoidCovKid

So for the last 10 years I go through phases of sitting in taking drugs and playing on my ps4 for weeks on end living in a fantasy land.

This is where I've been for a while now. Except I notice I play games less and less.

I still very much stay in my own head though. In fact, I would say that I'm by far my favorite person to be around when I'm manic because I can understand all ten of the things I am thinking at once whereas I can't communicate that to anyone around me with words. Sometimes I'll just sit there (or more likely pace around) and have enough thoughts flow through my head that they can fill up a novel in a few minutes.

What if I like my fantasy world? What if I don't want to lose it too? Who is anyone else to say that what I'm thinking and feeling is wrong for me?

Man it really sucks to see both things at once.

Sounds like me.

I refuse to get on medication. I just try and work my way through the BS part of depression. It's really hard to feel good about yourself when you are at your lowest moments.

I always try and tell myself positive things and try and only focus on the positives, but it always feels like I'm lying to myself. Depression sucks, and really its everyday society that has made it like this for so many people. It's hard to be happy when the world is full of hopelessness.

What can you do?

a reply to: ParanoidCovKid

LMFAO...

So for the last 10 years I go through phases of sitting in taking drugs and playing on my ps4 for weeks on end living in a fantasy land. I clean myself less, i rarely communicate with others and eat crap food. Then ill go through a phase of training hard, eating a healthy diet, communicating with all my friends and family and like you OP i am quite the comedian and life and soul of the group. Also my hygiene is borderline OCT and life feels like a constant high. This phase can last a few months at most.

I do this exact same thing seasonally, winter are my bad months and summer is nothing but love, adventures and fitness. In the winter months I get fat, depressed and care less about grooming while stuffing my face with grossly delicious comfort food. I will also sit in the house and play PS4 for months, just last night I had a bunch of friends calling me to come out because it is was Friday but I declined and stayed home alone. I am a fire sign so I think that is partly to do with it, I just feel more alive when the weather is nice and thankfully that time is fast approaching and not a moment too soon because I am ready to get out and see what the world has to offer. In the meantime though I'm off to slay digital bodies in some Black Ops III.

a reply to: Cancerwarrior

Lmao i totally understand, im the same. When im playing on my computer im not always actually concentrating on the game itself, im on autopilot with rushed fantasy scenarios in my mind of absolutely anything and everything ranging from made up arguments in my mind to creating a full scale game storyline. I used to write what i was thinking down and before i new it I'd of written pages and pages of craziness which i showed my psychologist, they said it was in parts humorous and in others disturbing.

By the way i take no medications what so ever, i gave up taking them 8 years ago as in all honesty they dont really help. Yeah they might mask some of the symptoms or dull them down a little, but soon as you discontinued the use of them the problems are still their.

There is a supplement i take for helping me sleep though called ZMA. Its zinc, magnesium and aspartame. It helps you fall asleep a bit better to be honest. Its not a sleeping tablet and it doesnt work like prescription sleeping tablets. You can buy it from your supplement store so its totally safe. Not saying its a miracle sleeping aid, it just helps me fall asleep a little better.

a reply to: RainbowPhoenix

It sounds like you suffer from seasonal depression then, its very common worldwide. I wish i was the same, it would make life a bit more bearable. The funny thing is i know of a lot of people that suffer from depression that play their consoles to lose themselves into. That too is very common, i think its the whole fantasy of it all. I mean why sit there dealing with your own s**t in real life when you can deal with an avatars s**t in a video game and get some kind of pleasure knowing that your life is onwards and upwards. I mean playing games makes you feel like your being rewarded for your efforts, but in real life, your efforts are for nothing and feel like your trapped in yourself, and in yourself is a bottomless pit of emptiness that is never satisfied no matter what you do in life.

a reply to: Cancerwarrior

First of all reading that you are no longer receiving Cancer treatments, may I assume that it is in remission or gone?
If so, congratulations on overcoming that devastating diagnosis.
Have your doctors diagnosed what 'type' of bipolar disorder you have?
You sound, to me, like you are a rapid cycler which is, IMO, the most taxing on an individual.

I understand that when someone is in their manic episode and their mind is going 100 miles a second that it can feel exhilarating as if you are making up for all of the time lost while you were at 'the bottom of the well in the dark'.
Being awake, not wanting to miss a thing, studying everything you can, even staring up at the stars and talking to whomever is up there can be almost euphoric. However, allowing our physical bodies to 'cycle' with our moods is not, IMO, the ideal care we should be providing.

One really does need to get on track physically to assist the mind. It is almost like needing to find the broken wire on your motorcycle there and track it down and rewire it. Almost like having a 'fouled' plug in a vehicle (as ridiculous as this may sound). The engine is running but, it's missing somewhere...not running smoothly.

Therapy can be a big mountain to climb but, when you get to the top and the vista it can be life changing. Bipolar disorder in my opinion is always changing for the individual. So, you may need to try different therapies, therapists, etc. throughout years. One thing may work for a short or long time and then 'poof' it is gone and you almost feel like you must start climbing the mountain again. You do need to it is THAT IMPORTANT.

Left untreated, bipolar disorder can lead to thoughts of suicide. Left untreated, bipolar disorder can lead to a person hurting those around them physically, emotionally, and psychologically and that's not fair to them either.

Above, you spoke of reading and working on your motorcycle. Those are great hobbies and I would only offer that if you are able to physically get outside and do something physical...it can sometimes cause your body to override your brain and seek rest and sleep. It needs to become a 'habit' though to work. It may, again, not work forever but, it may provide some relief for a time. Diet is key as well. Eating at regular intervals (I know it can be hard to even put the food to your lips but do try) is extremely important as well. Our brain needs things to survive and if we withhold those things, it isn't able to heal/repair itself. It lacks the tools it needs.

I'm concerned that you are lying to your wife or anyone that is close to you. I don't know your personal relationship but hoping that she loves and cares for you do you think it's wise to lie? Even though it is a new diagnosis for you, she may be able to tell if you are NOT taking your medication or at least will think they are not working and that will just lead you to more issues in the future..."Honey these meds don't seem to be working let's go back to the doctor", then the Doctor orders tests and guess what? You've been 'caught'...created a ruse that wasn't necessary.

You, from what I read, took you Cancer meds, radiation, etc to heal your body don't you, perhaps, owe it to your mind to at least try to heal it?

With all due respect and concern I thank you for reading and good luck!

Acetylcysteine can balance mood. It acts as a neuromodulator. It is called NAC too and it is a supplement which is needed if you don't consume the right food chemistry. It is not a cure all but it can help balance things. overdoing it isn't necessary, a little dab will do it. Opt for a small dose if you use it. You can create the chemistry by making homemade soups. A little sulfur veggies and six to ten drops of tabasco sauce to keep the nitrogen from getting unattached is important. Sulfur chemistry can be from some onion or garlic or from cabbage or similar foods. Veggies and tabasco in the soup need to be there from the start with the meat to keep the boiling point below 205 degrees. Also, celery has some properties, it has organic fluoride chemistry and the fluorides are ions and help in the reaction in the soup. I have tested the temperature with thermometers in the kitchen and it is acheived normally. Use adequate salt to to force the reaction. Salt is necessary in our diet.

Also avoid aspartame and do not overeat one class of tyramines. Have oatmeal twice a week for breakfast, not that instant crap either. Oatmeal has some calming and balancing chemistry in it too. Avoid binging on highly sweetened foods and food colorings, moderate them evenly in the diet. Take a multimineral tablet too.

a reply to: Cancerwarrior

Bipolar Disorder: Try Effective Natural Alternatives, Part I
Bipolar Disorder: Try Effective Natural Alternatives, Part II
Ginger Herb for Mood & Depression
Also depression caused by vitamin D deficiency. Get some sun 15-20 minutes daily or supplementing. You may also have an iodine deficiency.

You can also look into probiotics or gut bacteria.
Could depression be an INFECTIOUS DISEASE? Condition is caused by parasites, bacteria or virus and could be prevented with a jab, expert claims

Why This Psychologist Thinks Depression Is An Infectious Disease

Depression is can be cause by many things or just be one thing. If I were to pick one thing it would be to go buy ginger capsules and follow the directions until the bottle is gone. Other than that I would eat healthier, increase omega 3, iodine,vitamin D and B-12.