How much does age matter?

So, im just going to throw this out there.
I dont have a strong position taken on this, I just want to hear what ATS has to say, it may be good cause I've been thinking of it a lot, and talking about it often too.
Well, here's the story then. Basically I'm a 26 yo male who really likes and gets along super well with a 37 yo woman who is in a relationship, not married or anything though. As I said, it's not that I desperately feel we should be together right now, I just reckon we go very well together and have a great time together every time.

I met her when I was 22yo at work, I started working at this company and she worked there already, it was a very small group of about 4 employees, so we had the chance to talk a lot. We had a lot in common but mostly we were like minded, not that we liked the same exact things, but we got a long great, so we started going out as friends, seeing each other after work, going out for lunch, it was all good fun, I was in a relationship and she had a boyfriend too. I actually, thought that we could take it a step further then, but I really cared for her, and at the time I felt I couldn't make her cheat her partner, that would make her feel bad, and I wouldn't want to e the one to blame for something like that. So we never did anything more than going to book stores, having lunch at the park, and stuff like that.

We worked together for about a year and then she quitted. But we still texted from time to time, and even met a few times. You know that kind of relationship that maybe you don't see each other for 3 months, but then when you meet again, it's like time hasn't passed.
So we definitely have a special bond, I mean the topics we talk about are things that neither of us can talk with anybody else, and I haven't meet anybody else like her, male or female, we also laugh a lot when we are together. Some of the things we say stay with us for a long time, a couple of months ago, she was in Mexico visiting some mayan ruins, and she told me she remembered of something I once told her (it was about 4 years ago), she's always reminding me of things I told her.

I believe that maybe not right now but sometime in the future we could give it a try, when the time is right. We talk about it, but she tells me she would never be with me cause she feels the age difference is too big, I feel that's nonsense, IMO some things matter a lot more than mere age. Love is not about numbers. She always tells me, that if she was 10 years younger it would be diferent, and that maybe in some next life we are going to be together, but I won't have any of that.

Of course she's almost 40 and I'm not even 30, but what do you think? Not that I'm waiting for her to appear at my doorstep, but I wouldn't want to leave this earth without having something with her. Maybe I' being stupid and should look at girls my age, believe me I do, but still I haven't meet anyone like her. But you know lately I've been thinking that maybe it'll be hard to find anyone like her, and that I shouldn't just discard the idea of being with her. So, what do you think, how much does age really matter?

TL;DR: Me (26yo male) gets alongs super with a 37 yo girl, she says the age gap is too big, but I disagree and would like to give it a go sometime.

originally posted by: payta
We talk about it, but she tells me she would never be with me cause she feels the age difference is too big, I feel that's nonsense

You may think it's nonsense, but she obviously feels otherwise. Sorry, but it ain't gonna happen. Eleven years, especially when you're only 26, is a huge difference in terms of maturity and life experience.

I'm male and 37 and I won't date under 30, and 30 seems too young to me.

a reply to: AdmireTheDistance

Ok but is that all that there's to it?


I don't feel age itself is a valid argument to keep two ppl apart, not being equally mature is one, seeing our careers dont fit is another.
Plus maybe we won't be together right now but what about in a few of years, when the time is right. Or you feel 11 will always be a huge age gap?

To be blunt, you should listen to her when she says it wouldn't work. Age alone isn't a real issue because couples can work through that. But that's not the real issue here.

The things that catch my attention are the facts that she's still in a relationship with someone else & you go months without even seeing or talking to her. That means she's committed to someone else on a daily basis, but is keeping you on the side as a friend. A distant friend. If she felt the same way you do, she'd dump the person she's with & be with you. It really is that simple.

I'm saying this from experience. If a woman really wants to be with someone, she'll risk everything to be with that person. Poverty, safety, rejection from family; you name it. So the fact that she's intentionally keeping a distance like this makes her priorities clear as day to me.

As for why she reminds you of things you've said in the past: most women have much better memories than the average guy, especially when it comes to details. If you ever want to test this theory, listen in on a conversation between a group of women. Not just 2 women, but 4-6 women. The rapid exchanges of details, observations, and the such can be overwhelming (as least, it is to me).

Sorry if I sound harsh but relationships aren't something to play with. People can get really possessive & violent in order to protect their relationships or perceived relationships. And I wouldn't want you, her, and her partner to go down that road.

a reply to: payta

When it comes to relationships every thing matters. Whatever one person has a hang up with gets in the way. Age, Color, Religion, Finances. Usually it comes down to what you are really looking for. Sex? Fun? Long term? Either way it takes 2 to tangle. Trying to force a square peg into a round hole? Depends on how big either is. Age is only relevant if it is relevant.

a reply to: enlightenedservant

Thanks, I know what you mean and I appreciate the comment.
I wouldn't do anything if I feel it would do her wrong, I'm well aware our lives are different, and wouldn't want to mess her life up just because I'm stupid and young.
But I dont want to let her go just yet, I still cling to the hope that in the future we could be right for each other.
Still for the record, we do have a special bond, we both know that, and it's not simply saying this because she recalled something I said, that was just an example.

One of my guy friends who was 22 dated a 40+ year old female friend of ours who had kids his age and it wasn't a problem. I think the only reason an age difference matters is if one of you thinks it matters. If your lady friend is already in a relationship and doesn't want to date you due to an age difference, that makes it hard.

originally posted by: AdmireTheDistance

originally posted by: payta
We talk about it, but she tells me she would never be with me cause she feels the age difference is too big, I feel that's nonsense

You may think it's nonsense, but she obviously feels otherwise. Sorry, but it ain't gonna happen. Eleven years, especially when you're only 26, is a huge difference in terms of maturity and life experience.

I would agree that, in this particular case, she is not going to act upon anything.

However, so long as someone is both sexually and mentally mature enough to make decisions (as well as legal in your area) then I don't see why age should matter at all. If the relationship isn't tainted with some underlying dark tone (such as doing it for money, or in some other form taking advantage of someone), then I see no problem at all.

I have a friend who is 28 and just married a 38 year old woman. He has always been attracted to women that are much older than he is, and would personally never begin a relationship with a person of his own age or younger. It's just a biological trait he has which makes him attracted to much older women. (and trust me when I say, there is no limit to how old, in his eyes)

Then you have demographics and statistics involving pornography, where the search for "teen" is substantially higher than searches that specifically reference a more 'mature' age. Furthermore, the largest consumer of Internet pornography is between a 35 - 49 age group link

So age-gap is certainly not an issue for most people, it would seem. and the distance of the age gap is most definitely subjective from individual to individual. Of course, it's normally frowned upon when an age gap of, say 40+ years is seen. Societal norms will also be subjective per area (but do not necessarily reflect their citizens wishes).

So what we can gather from all this is that sexual attraction of a particular age is perfectly normal in it's fluctuation. Nothing is necessarily odd about it. If it's legal, if it's consensual, and if it has no underlying malicious intent, I don't see anything morally wrong about an age gap.

a reply to: payta

love is love
sex is sex
affection is affection
happiness is happiness
connection is connection

if it is what you want go for it.. you always will want to.. you can try to justify reason not to but if you want it you want it.. you can't help your heart despite the thoughts in your head

I bet you ask us yet I know deep down our opinion doesn't really mean anything to you

a reply to: payta

Your brain doesn't stop developing till you're like 28. So, a lot. Plus, you're a guy--meaning you're immature. So, I'd focus on educating yourself and becoming financially stable and then focus on relationships. It doesn't sound like you should really be worrying about this right now. I'm 24. You sound like you need to focus on what you want your life to be. I think you need to just focus on you right now. Grow. Mature. Man up--do it to get it done. Don't look for a mommy figure because you're too scared to do it yourself. Sorry. JS.

Ultimately--you're going to do whatever you want. But you sound too immature to me and I'm younger than you. I can only begin to imagine how a 40 year old woman would feel. Well, a normal 40 year old. I'm sure there are those who get off on feeling appealing to younger men. It's pretty desperate for a woman to date a boy who could be her son. I think it lacks integrity. But if you're two consenting adults and it doesn't bother you, then have at it, I don't care.

--Think of what Freud would say!

a reply to: payta

I don;t see a problem with it if you are happy. 11 years is not a huge difference. But the problem is how long until she wants to make this relationship more important? Are you willing to wait? You seem to have said so.

But if she is still saying it isn't practical, it won't be practical.

originally posted by: rukia
a reply to: payta

Your brain doesn't stop developing till you're like 28. So, a lot. Plus, you're a guy--meaning you're immature. So, I'd focus on educating yourself and becoming financially stable and then focus on relationships. It doesn't sound like you should really be worrying about this right now. I'm 24. You sound like you need to focus on what you want your life to be. I think you need to just focus on you right now. Grow. Mature. Man up--do it to get it done. Don't look for a mommy figure because you're too scared to do it yourself. Sorry. JS.

Ultimately--you're going to do whatever you want. But you sound too immature to me and I'm younger than you. I can only begin to imagine how a 40 year old woman would feel. Well, a normal 40 year old. I'm sure there are those who get off on feeling appealing to younger men. It's pretty desperate for a woman to date a boy who could be her son. I think it lacks integrity. But if you're two consenting adults and it doesn't bother you, then have at it, I don't care.

--Think of what Freud would say!

28? I've heard 22, 24, maybe 25. I have never heard 28.

a reply to: payta

A dude I know is currently plodding along the road to marriage. He is thirty one going on thirty two years of age. His lady is an easy thirteen years his senior. Now, she happens to also be the biggest buzzkill since the concept of letting off a frag bomb at a party was first invented, but that is nothing to do with her age.

I guess what I am saying is, that if it would work for you, and she becomes receptive to the prospect, I say roll with it. Life is full of nonsense, but if you can find something in your life, someone in your life that makes your spine tingle and sends your brain into haywire mode, then get at it. Trust me, life does not throw that sort of potential at a man every day of the week, or even yearly.

originally posted by: payta
***snip***
I actually, thought that we could take it a step further then, but I really cared for her, and at the time I felt I couldn't make her cheat her partner, that would make her feel bad, and I wouldn't want to e the one to blame for something like that. So we never did anything more than going to book stores, having lunch at the park, and stuff like that.

***snip***.

But you are OK with cheating your partner? You did mention that both of you were in a relation.

So basically she might have picked up on that - as I have - and decided that she wouldn't want a relationship like that.
Especially since potential cheaters dislike it when their wives get a bit older and gravity takes over and the "catflap" gets more prominent.

a reply to: payta

You're 11 years apart and she is older. My great grandparents were also 11 years apart and she was older. They ended up being married for 60-years before they both passed. Don't let age be the roadblock if you both feel for each other.

My Mam was older than my dad, they were married over 40 years until me Mam passed away, it was never an issue for them.

I have always been attracted to older women! and it's not an issue, unless you make it one, it's the same as any other relationship, things either work or they don't, you work at it or you don't, simple!

.. but cheating, nah, c'mon!

Age does not matter. I m 55 and my wife is 30 and we have been together for over 11 years and all is good including the physical. So go for it if she attracts you and her you!!

originally posted by: rukia
a reply to: payta

Your brain doesn't stop developing till you're like 28. So, a lot. Plus, you're a guy--meaning you're immature. So, I'd focus on educating yourself and becoming financially stable and then focus on relationships. It doesn't sound like you should really be worrying about this right now. I'm 24. You sound like you need to focus on what you want your life to be. I think you need to just focus on you right now. Grow. Mature. Man up--do it to get it done. Don't look for a mommy figure because you're too scared to do it yourself. Sorry. JS.

Ultimately--you're going to do whatever you want. But you sound too immature to me and I'm younger than you. I can only begin to imagine how a 40 year old woman would feel. Well, a normal 40 year old. I'm sure there are those who get off on feeling appealing to younger men. It's pretty desperate for a woman to date a boy who could be her son. I think it lacks integrity. But if you're two consenting adults and it doesn't bother you, then have at it, I don't care.

--Think of what Freud would say!

Regarding my career I got that area sorted out, yet even if I wouldn't I don't know why I shouldn't take interest in women. I have a stable job, I have a BA, and Im currently studying to get another degree, I know what I want in life, and most importantly got my near future pretty much planned already. I had to go through an existential crisis, and it took a lot of thinking and reflexion. So no, I'm not looking for a mommy figure. And she's only 10 years older than me, so I couldn't be her son.
And yes, I'm going to do what I want, but what ppl tell me is also very important cause it will help me contrast my current opinion to those of others, shaping what I think and finally affecting my decision.

My OP is not about some guy asking ATS if he should ask out a woman who's older than him. What goes on here is that I got a strong bond with a woman older than me, which ultimately leads me to wonder if I should entertain the idea of actually engaging in a relationship with her. Not right now, but maybe sometime in the future when we both see the time is right.


And thanks but I personally don't really care for Freud, Jung's depiction of him makes me certain he's not the guy to turn to in this case lol not a big fan really

originally posted by: HolgerTheDane2

originally posted by: payta
***snip***
I actually, thought that we could take it a step further then, but I really cared for her, and at the time I felt I couldn't make her cheat her partner, that would make her feel bad, and I wouldn't want to e the one to blame for something like that. So we never did anything more than going to book stores, having lunch at the park, and stuff like that.

***snip***.

But you are OK with cheating your partner? You did mention that both of you were in a relation.

So basically she might have picked up on that - as I have - and decided that she wouldn't want a relationship like that.
Especially since potential cheaters dislike it when their wives get a bit older and gravity takes over and the "catflap" gets more prominent.

Well no I wouldn't have cheated of my gf either. I never had actually.
And even now, I wouldn't want her to cheat her partner either. If she told me she was getting married tomorrow, I wouldn't run to the church to declare my love, cause that would mess up her life, and I wouldn't want it that way. We know each other a lot, and I believe we are mature enough to talk things as grown ups, if it comes to that. And of course, some times one of us bring up the subject (note it's no always me). I don't want us to sneak on anyone's back, or hurt her or spoil a good relationship out of selfishness.
But I believe we may get a chance to be together, sometimes the universe conspires to bring certain ppl together you know.
And IMO one of the reasons she never fully made a move either back then is because she thought about me the same way, she didn't want me to cheat my partner either. But you know, that just my opinion, maybe I'm just rambling now.