Got myself in a mess - a few wise words needed...

a reply to: Ksihkehe

just like with anything else, It's a sliding scale. My whole life is based on lies.

I know you are in a tight spot, girl- hang in there! I still feel (from your post months ago) this man is dangerous, please limit seeing him to as little as possible until you get out of this situation. I agree with everyone else, if you cannot get legal aid though, I'm not sure what steps are in place in the UK to help. If you cannot afford daycare, I would SERIOUSLY consider trading services or chores with a trusted neighbor or friend to look after the kids while you are taking classes. Whatever it takes, find a way to make it happen. It will make it tough but honestly, being free of him will bring you so much relief! Get him out of your life asap. I fear for you

Let me guess, you closed your legs up to him and he resents you doing that ?

Can't you do some of your school work online so you can stay home with the kids? Any friends that you can trust or family members? My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best!

Restraining order, it will allow you to clear your head with out his pressure
He sounds violent

This is your whole life, start sorting it out right now o it wil just get worse and worse

From your description, it all about him and self gratification. Even the most basic carnal human experience, you described as only his need. You take away any of those needs and he angers and lashes out. Apologies are just a tool to return to his needs.

I know people like that. They will never change. It is hardwired in.

You deserve better. And someday you may find someone that loves you. Not someone that loves himself more.

Can you take the kids to the before and after school clubs uusually running from 7am to 5? And the does the baby not get 15 hours free nursery a week? In order to covrr your time at uni cutting the ********* ******* out of it all together?

Does thevuniversity offer a crèche service.?

All i am saying have you reached out to all council services in order to see if they could help with you vhildcare as you are in part time education??

Keep strong, i am currently helping my friend through his second appeal on his divorcd hearing on what has turned out to be a passport marriage.
I have
Luckily no little kids involved, but its bsen a two year roller coaster, but he is contesting

a reply to: rickymouse

You don't suck at all I'm grateful you took the time to read and reply.

originally posted by: Tjoran
So literally the only reason you need him around it to take care of the children yes?

To be completely honest, yes! Any deep feelings I had for him are gone so I need him in this respect only.

I can immediately identify this man as also being a sociopath,

I had a good read into sociopathic characteristics and I can safely say this Simms him up almost exactly! I've known for a long time he is extremely manipulative and lies far more than he speaks the truth...I guess didn't ever realise thre was a name for it. Plus pretendingvto go out to work everyday, hence him loosing everything.

All i can offer is a bit of advice. Please PLEASE be careful, keep yourself and your kids safe. this person is unstable

I sense this....I guess I'm torn because of the charming side of him and his extreme volatility. I don't want to be living with this but I am going to have to deal with it.

Thankful for your time x

originally posted by: Lovely1973
Got myself in a mess - a few wise words needed...

Hi there.
After reading all the blah, blah...
It is like this;
You are willing to put up with all the abuse because you can get a 'free' service from him.
Perhaps life will improve is you get off your wishy-washy duff and get a restraining order for him, change the locks, enforce the restraining order when he violates it, because he will, because he has no respect or Love for you.
Or you for him.
Pull your head out, HIRE someone, if you must, to drive the kiddies to school and get this loser out of your and the kid's lives!
Stop living in your "if only" imagination, and get on with your life and let the kids grow up to be decent humans who respect and Love others!
He probably hit a dry spell and is coming back for a dip in old faithful!
Respect and Love yourself!
There's some Wisdom for you.
Ball's in your court!
Which is where YOU should be, in court, dumping the garbage!! *__-

a reply to: Lovely1973

His behaviour leads me to believe that he has some sort of narcissistic personality disorder, and that the best things about him are inventions he has created to mask the toxic core of his being, in order to give the semblance of normalcy.

I believe that this man, if he is denied that which his perverse mentality suggests ought be his, will become even more difficult to deal with, and may represent a danger to himself, his children, and you, if he is allowed to continue to have to do with your affairs and your life. I also believe that allowing him to railroad you in any way what so ever, will only deepen the problem in the long term. My advice to you, is to contact every possible body, from the police, to charities and the government, to see what your options are in dealing with this individual, and removing him from your life.

Oh, ouch! Sounds like a terrible situation!
I won't give a flippant response- I understand the conflict you must be facing inside- it isn't so easy to just take risks, especially when kids are involved, and unfortunately that is what some men will use.


Keep in mind though, that your suffering is transmitted to the kids on deep levels, no matter how you try to hide it.
(seeing your study, I know I am not telling you anything new)
A psychiatrist here told me once, "A depressed mom will have depressed kids. Even if she was in denial of her own depressed state." Kids will feel it, and they will feel responsible for the mothers happiness no matter what- so her unhappiness tells them they are unsuccessful in their reason for being- no matter what other factors are involved.

That sounded a bit over simplified and generalized to me, but with time and observation, I have begun to agree with it.

Defending yourself, might be important for them in the long run.
I have a friend who took some very extreme measures against her husband, which her kids actually resented for a while.
But then they got older, understood, and even appreciated that she showed them how to protect yourself from abuse.
They actually voice it to her.

Sometimes, being a parent means lots of endurance, trusting that they'll come around when older, as you know.

Besides that, I just want to send you a heartfelt hug of support!

originally posted by: namelesss

originally posted by: Lovely1973
Got myself in a mess - a few wise words needed...

Hi there.
After reading all the blah, blah...
It is like this;
You are willing to put up with all the abuse because you can get a 'free' service from him.
Perhaps life will improve is you get off your wishy-washy duff and get a restraining order for him, change the locks, enforce the restraining order when he violates it, because he will, because he has no respect or Love for you.
Or you for him.
Pull your head out, HIRE someone, if you must, to drive the kiddies to school and get this loser out of your and the kid's lives!
Stop living in your "if only" imagination, and get on with your life and let the kids grow up to be decent humans who respect and Love others!
He probably hit a dry spell and is coming back for a dip in old faithful!
Respect and Love yourself!
There's some Wisdom for you.
Ball's in your court!
Which is where YOU should be, in court, dumping the garbage!! *__-

Thank you - I appreciate your bluntness - I'm working on it

a reply to: Bluesma

Thanks for your kindness - yes I am in quite a lot of turmoil - a lot of it is bought to a head because of the self - analysis my degree requires although things haven't been great for some time.

Just to update, I have today applied for child maintenance to enforce payments from him. I have also been given the contacts of 'Women's Aid' to talk things over with them. I am sorting out my finances as of today and enquiring about a local daycare collecting my kids from school. If I can sort childcare I'm considering getting a part time job to help financially.

A lot of my problem is that for me this relationship had become quite normal and I never put a name to it i.e. Abuse. I don't see myself as abused and I'm a bit uncomfortable with that.

I will stay safe and more importantly protect my kids. My biggest fear is making things worse by applying for an injunction. But I'll consider all my options.

I haven't time to reply to everyone but I've read each reply carefully and taken something from each one. So thank you all - hugely appreciated

Having been in an abusive relationship, where most of it was mental domination, I feel for you. But I can tell you this:
It is so worth it, when it is over. Gaining the self confidence in yourself, showing your children that that kind of behavior should never be tolerated, and having that 100-200 lb. weight of your shoulders? Money can't buy that kind of happiness.

Just remember, when he threatens, wants something (sex) or even tells you "No man will ever want you", just say no.
It's scary, I know. It took my ex moron at least 7 years, to start believing that I wasn't coming back to him.

I can't help you with the legal stuff, as I am in the US. But I did have to call the police several times that first year.
I wish you the best.
Just believe in yourself. It can and will get better. Just start with NO!

originally posted by: Lovely1973
Thank you - I appreciate your bluntness - I'm working on it

You're welcome.
Although 'blunt' (I was going for 'impact', to get past the defenses as efficiently as possible), It is with Love! *__-
I've seen it too many times, I guess...

"Only the mountain has existed long enough not to be moved by the howl of the wolf!" *__-

a reply to: Lovely1973

I wish you well Sweetie! Good luck!

Your ex husband is...

1. Abusive. Financially, verbally, and sexually. And that's just the few I came up with.

2. Quite possibly, a Narccicist.

3. A master at manipulating you into feeling like you "owe him." Whether it be sex, money, reassurance, etc.

4. If he's saying derogatory things about you, the mother of his children, to your kids he is NOT a good father, by any stretch. He is hurting them emotionally and this WILL get worse, with time.

5. A selfish individual...You have four children, are going to school and gave no car. But he sure does, doesn't he?

You need to distance yourself as far away from him as possible. He's an abusive prick who you are much better off without. That goes double for your kids.

Find a teenager thru a local church or by word of mouth to help u with your kids the evenings you have class. Paying someone to watch them is totally worth it, imho. His abuse and nastiness isn't worth the money you are saving, which cannot be much.

Get yourself some therapy. If you're going to school to become a psychotherapist, you need to be right in the head yourself. After being with this douche bag, you're not even close and cannot effectively counsel people in an unbiased and therapeutic manner unless you're somewhat healthy emotionally yourself.

Good luck...I'd also advise you to go out and have some fun, blow off some steam and enjoy life. I cannot imagine being with or dealing with such a misogynistic pig.

originally posted by: Lovely1973
a reply to: Bluesma



A lot of my problem is that for me this relationship had become quite normal and I never put a name to it i.e. Abuse. I don't see myself as abused and I'm a bit uncomfortable with that.

You are, absolutely and totally, a victim of abuse...Has nothing to do with being "comfortable." This statement, to me, shows that you have NO self worth. He's pretty much depleted it, but that doesn't mean it is lost forever.

Once you get the finances and the child care settled, you need to find a therapist yourself. Someone that you can completely and honestly open up to. Otherwise, you will never get that self worth back and you WILL repeat this cycle with him, or another man.

Sorry if I am coming off as too straight forward, but I think you really need to hear it. What would you tell your daughter, or sister, if they were in this situation?? It's terrible, the effect that an abusive spouse can have, especially one that has you sort of brainwashed, for lack of a better term.

Get yourself some help. You need it and will feel much better once you can see the forest from the trees.

a reply to: Lovely1973

I think that you are amazing. Four children, on your own, you're studying full-time and on top off all that, you are retaining your dignity in adversity. As to the spoilt man-child, I don't need to tell you that you're are better off without him, clearly you know that for yourself, but you do need to accept that he is not your problem any more. He'll realise that too, soon enough, once you have accepted that.

Get your locks changed. Your home, he can knock.

Do not rely on him. Make other arrangements for childcare, financial help, both as a single parent, and as a student, should be available to you. If he wants to see his children, he can ask to see them and negotiate terms with you. If he is abusive, don't interact with him, insist that a third party or mediator be present and if necessary go to the Police and take out a Harassment Order. He will receive a visit and a warning, and you will get the security of knowing that should you need their help, they are appraised of the situation. As long as he can be reasonable and respectful, that Order will expire without any fuss or criminal palaver required. If not, that's his look out.

At the very least, keep a record of the abuse, record phone calls, take notes, have a diary. It is a precaution, but also, down the line, when the dust settles, it's kind of reassuring to remind yourself of how far you've come and what you have overcome.

Best of luck. I do recommend the Harassment Order, I won't tell a lie, it is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it helped, and the Police were fantastic, you do have to be prepared to follow through, it is not to be used as an empty threat.

Most of all, keep doing more of what you are doing. You're a fantastic example to those kids, well done!