Got myself in a mess - a few wise words needed...

Hello ATS - I'm too busy these days to contribute to the site as much as I would like but not a night goes by when I don't catch up on all the new posts, so I feel very much part of the community here, I'm just in the background somewhat.

I need some wise words, ATS, from someone who is able to be honest and is disconnected from the situation. To cut a long story short, I'm a mum to 4 lovely kids ranging fom 1-9 years old and was married for 10 years until my husband stopped supporting us financially (we lived in his countryI in M.East at the time). So we moved back to the UK and he decided to move out to a 'bedsit' when our baby was 6 weeks old with other women taking his interest. I was upset and maybe a bit vulnerable at the time but, without wanting to make myself out to be the hero, I held it all together for the children and managed over the following year to carve myself a future which would give me and my children a brighter future.

I started volunteering for the Samaritans and got myself enrolled on a full-time degree in Psychotherapy which I am well into and love with a passion. It's 3 years but will be well worth it and gives me time with my baby while he is little, along with a great earning potential when I qualify.

There is a divorce underway which he served on me. In the meantime, since he left well over a year ago, he has been coming regularly to my home and has a key and pretty much comes and goes as he pleases. He does not financially contribute at all but collects the kids twice a week while I am at University. He often lets me down and says he cant get away from work twice a week to collect kids so he is hugely unreliable and resentful of looking after them except for the minimum times when he chooses.

He has been hostile to me in varying degrees and I have tried just to put up with it and ignore it as much as possible for the sake of keeping a relatively stable environment for the kids. However three weeks ago he came over and thanked me for being there for him, for not giving up on him when he was going through a rough patch (he lost spent all of his inheritance while we lived in Jordan and never went on to earn enough to support us) and he wanted to make it up to us and work on getting back together. I was honest and told him I had buried my feelings for him in order to get through the last year or so and would need time and reassurance, if ever, to feel anything again. He promised to wait for me and to earn my love again.

Things were ok for a few weeks, he looked after the kids more and seemed more stable in his mood. He cooked for us twice a week when he collected the children and was quite loving. However he has always demanded a huge amount of sex and I realised I felt obliged, now and over the years, to let him have his own way in order to stop the inevitable sulks that followed if he didn't get it. But I wasn't prepared to do that anymore.
I needed to feel valued as a person before sleeping together. But this became more and more of an expectation and it soon became clear that he expected 'a reward', i.e. sex, for any help he gave me. So it only took three weeks or so of me saying no, as kindly as possible before he blew up. I had extremely threatening voicemails left by him, angry confrontations and blaming me for the slightest thing that goes wrong (ie my son who is 4 had a tantrum on the way to school - he blamed me for teaching his kids to disrespect him)
I have counselling as part of my degree and have realised that this is bordering on abusive behaviour. He is teaching the kids to say disrespectful things to me ie I had my 4 year old call me a stupid woman the other day, v unusual for him and after a couple of hours with his dad.

Yesterday he demanded to meet me without the kids in order to discuss the situation, so I met him in a café. He was extremely angry at me for being 'cold' and disrespectful towards him. He was boiling over with hostility and I was glad we were in a public place and I felt relatively safe but I was shocked at his resentment of me and for denying 'his needs' and he told me he intended sleeping with other women and it was over. He has gone back to treating me like a piece of dirt on his shoe again.
I feel afraid of him but I don't know what to do. Money is tight, I need him to collect kids and take them to school twice a week when I go to University. I don't much like leaving the kids with him but I know he would never hurt them physically.
If I take my house key back and tell him to stay away I know he will become aggressive or refuse to do so. I don't want the kids to witness any hostility. I need his help with the kids or I don't know how I can carry on with my course due to no one being able to have the kids. I'm fed up of trying to keep him sweet just so I can get the minimum of support from him.

I know I being weak ATS but I feel like a rabbit stuck in the headlights. I wish he would just go away but I need his help!! I don't know what options are available to me - I cant afford childcare but I have to do this course, I'm so determined!!

I am fearful for my (ex) husbands mental health. He used to be very kind and had been a fairly good husband for 10 years but now he has become a stranger and I don't trust him or know him anymore. I genuinely think he needs help but I am unable to have him get any. For now, I know he is bullying me but I am putting up with it til I figure out what to do.

just to add, finally, yesterday, before our chat, to add insult to injury, he turned up in a car he has just bought himself. This stung because I am currently car-less after my car broke down and the man who is fixing it has fallen ill so have not had car for 2 months. So it stung a bit when he arrived in his own car and is quite happy now he is mobile once again, after 2 years of not being able to 'afford' a car. I don't resent him for buying it, it just hurts that he is looking after himself more than his 4 children!

I need help to see a way to deal with this...Right now I'm stuck!

Thank you if you read all of this post

From an honest man:


Keep doing your best to be positive.


I myself have had a slew of misfortune this year. Just ONE incident of being struck by a 40mph vehicle when crossing a crosswalk - the hit should have killed me. This whole year leading to the final result in me buying a one way ticket WEST with my bicycle in hopes of creating a new life & actually going for my dreams. I hope you find the strength to forge a resolve & carry on. Remember that you are valued in the eyes of the Creator.

I pray for all beings. You're in the mix

a reply to: Lovely1973

Let me get this straight, he doesn't provide, help raise the kids, lets you work to support and soley raise the kids? hen comes over in a new car and is abusive with you?

He wants a divorce, grant him one. Go through with that. Get a lawyer, you are due a percent of his wealth plus child support. Those details will incense any judge.

a reply to: survival

Am sorry to hear about your misfortune. I know it makes you reevaluate your life when something tragic like you've been through happens.
I hope you find happiness X

a reply to: Lovely1973

There was a reason you fell in love with each other, there was a reason you both got married and had children. Often what motivates us in nurturing a mutual love becomes neglected as we become comfortable and secure in our relationships. We often spend so much time together that we lose sight of our individuality in our relationships; our hearts becoming so accustomed to the one love that is shared that each partner tends to forget their half of the whole.

Life drags us up and down in the currents of its waves of pleasure and pain, and after so long we find ourselves drifted apart lost in a sea of confusion. The only way back being to struggle against the currents that separate us with the will power and motivation to reach each others hearts again.

His anger is your sorrow, your sorrow is his anger. What caused this situation is the lack of mindful compassion of each others struggles and pains. What you need is to approach him not as the woman you are now but as the woman who fell in love with him. You're strong but he may not be, his anger and aversion being proof of such.

Contact him, speak to him with your heart of compassion. Ask him "darling, I understand that you are angry with me but I do not understand why. I know you are hurting and I would like you to express this to me when you are ready to talk. I am here for you and your feelings matter to me just as much as my own. I want to make things better between us but I can't unless you open up to me. Please, I'm here to listen."

Then allow him to speak on his own terms, don't judge him, just listen. When he has expressed himself you will understand and then he will be open enough to listen to you. You are the strong one, allow him to express his weakness and then he will soon be open to listen to yours. With compassion you will overcome this, it is the bandaid to every wound.

Often when we speak to our loved ones we only see things through our own understanding of them, we grow so accustomed to who we think they are that we forget how to listen to them. His anger is his heart crying out to you for compassion and understanding, just as much as your suffering is crying out for his. Take the first step, he will follow your lead.

Have peace my dear.

a reply to: intrptr

Thanks for your reply - that's half the problem here in the UK, we can't get legal help any more and I can't afford it....besides he has nothing left to give me as its all in Jordan, just his wages.
The divorce is going through, problem had been he had lied on the forms.
It's just hard to start the ball rolling knowing the hostility it will bring....

a reply to: Lovely1973

Can you get a Restraining Order for domestic violence in the UK? It prevents him from approaching within a certain distance, your fear of his hostile intent is enough.

Sorry about your predicament, Lovely. Men can be such manimals.

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: Lovely1973

Let me get this straight, he doesn't provide, help raise the kids, lets you work to support and soley raise the kids? hen comes over in a new car and is abusive with you?

He wants a divorce, grant him one. Go through with that. Get a lawyer, you are due a percent of his wealth plus child support. Those details will incense any judge.

For sure. Seriously, please take heed of the words above.

sorry, double post.

Apologies Lovely, see you are already undertaking a divorce. I know how messy that can be.

Anyway, take a look at the Legal Aid on line application form.

checklegalaid.service.gov.uk...

What a nightmare of a document, it's almost impossible to be eligible anymore.

The small man can't access legal assistance and the legal world is more than capable of sending the little man to hell, hell!!

a reply to: Lovely1973

I don't know enough about child support in the UK to give you a proper answer.

But I would say a divorce is a must. If he has any sincerity of getting help and being any part of your life he needs to realize that the marriage you had is over. He can't expect you to just forgive him and have feelings for him.

And his sexual demands lead me to believe he is not being sincere. Your best luck might come from him having a car and a job as he might find someone new and be able to focus on his kids.

The rest of your situation is tricky. If you can get child support that may be enough to cover daycare and remove him from your life until he is prepared to understand your perspective. I hate seeing children being separated from a parent but violence can't be tolerated.

In the US they will withdraw child support directly from a paycheck if the spouse refuses to pay court ordered support. And we have free social services that help in these situations.

Hopefully someone from the UK can give you better advice. I hope and pray you find a solution that works for you and your children.

a reply to: Lovely1973

The guy is dirt and should be swept under the carpet. get yourself some free legal aid, file a restraining order, find away to change your locks and keep him away from your children.

a reply to: Lovely1973

He is being selfish and only thinking of his own needs and wants. He expects you to just act like everything is back to normal and to forgive and forget. You have been hurt and are struggling to make a better life for you and the kids. I understand that you need his help but you shouldn't have "give in" to him so that he will do what he should be doing anyway. It's a really tough situation. You have to decide if you love him or just need him. If you need him but don't want him as a husband any longer tell him that. He may be angry but he'll have to deal with it.

He shouldn't be around the children if you're worried about his mental state. You never know when someone might snap. I'm not trying to scare you, just being realistic. You should find an alternative sitter for your kids. It's hard to change someone who is selfish. I wish you the best.

So literally the only reason you need him around it to take care of the children yes? Hm, As a sociopath myself, I can immediately identify this man as also being a sociopath, But coupled with what seems like some anger issues. Please be careful.. I don't know what other options are for taking care of your children whilst you are in school - But I'm positive theirs always another way, Neighbors, friends, Daycare. This is a hard situation to fathom, especially with out any idea of what your financial situation is (but what seems like not very good).

Their are people in this thread more qualified to help you with the children issue, But i AM qualified to tell you thatyou need to step very carefully around this person. He is dangerous, he is a sociopath. Normally i would tell someone to just bare with it until the first safe opportunity arises to be rid of such a person. But when you add sociopaths tendencies and anger it becomes a volition situation and 1000x more dangerous to all who are involved! All i can offer is a bit of advice. Please PLEASE be careful, keep yourself and your kids safe. this person is unstable.

Double post oops

Boy, that kind of sucks. I think you just need someone to talk to and someone in your life who appreciates you and will work with you. I hope that person comes along soon.

Sorry I can't give you advice as to what to do. I suck at giving advice on that subject. Have faith, your life is going to turn around pretty quick. Keep your attitude up, people like hanging around people who have a positive and friendly attitude. They do not prefer to hang around someone who has a negative attitude. Focus on the good points of your life and things will fall into place. You have some good children to try to steer in the right direction.

I warned you, I suck at this.

You are probably a lot better at evaluating this than I am.

originally posted by: rickymouse
Boy, that kind of sucks. I think you just need someone to talk to and someone in your life who appreciates you and will work with you. I hope that person comes along soon.

Sorry I can't give you advice as to what to do. I suck at giving advice on that subject. Have faith, your life is going to turn around pretty quick. Keep your attitude up, people like hanging around people who have a positive and friendly attitude. They do not prefer to hang around someone who has a negative attitude. Focus on the good points of your life and things will fall into place. You have some good children to try to steer in the right direction.

I warned you, I suck at this.

the saying is true, Fake it til' you make it.

Restraining orders can make a bad situation worse. A person who is already unstable and angry would just walk right through a restraining order. I've seen and heard of it happening many times.

While that does seem the logical thing to do, it may not be the wisest thing. It could push him over the edge.
However if he gets physical with you or threatens to take the children it may be the only choice. Just be prepared if it comes to that. Change your locks and be super careful.

originally posted by: Tjoran
So literally the only reason you need him around it to take care of the children yes? Hm, As a sociopath myself, I can immediately identify this man as also being a sociopath, But coupled with what seems like some anger issues. Please be careful.. I don't know what other options are for taking care of your children whilst you are in school - But I'm positive theirs always another way, Neighbors, friends, Daycare. This is a hard situation to fathom, especially with out any idea of what your financial situation is (but what seems like not very good).

Their are people in this thread more qualified to help you with the children issue, But i AM qualified to tell you thatyou need to step very carefully around this person. He is dangerous, he is a sociopath. Normally i would tell someone to just bare with it until the first safe opportunity arises to be rid of such a person. But when you add sociopaths tendencies and anger it becomes a volition situation and 1000x more dangerous to all who are involved! All i can offer is a bit of advice. Please PLEASE be careful, keep yourself and your kids safe. this person is unstable.

You're either not a true sociopath or you're very adept at pretending not to be. Either way, kudos.

OP you need to make this man pay for not only what you are owed, but also what you were owed previously. You need to take every legal avenue possible to make him pay. My father was absent for most of my life... I can live with that. What I cannot live with is this guy not taking responsibility. Restraining order and child support order. Get them both

Find yourself a nice, large, jealous boyfriend. It'll sort itself out. Child support is his responsibility and that will be part of the divorce he served on you. He disgusts me.

Forget this idiot. With immediate effect. Take the key off him and warn him to stay away.

Call the police the first time he comes banging on the door. He has no legal right of access to your home.

He will make a scene. Let him. File a complaint against him. Every time.

He will be continually arrested if he keeps showing up at your door. It is NOT his legal residence. Your home is the child's home and he will have to go through the courts if he wants access to them. You are the child's legal guardian. Not him.

Get this bully out of your life. Call the police on him. I know that is the one thing you are never doing in this long chain of abuse and abusive incidents. Be strong, one time. This bastard has no right to treat you like this.