My manic episodes tripping through dimensions/alternate reality.

a reply to: and14263

Your friend is lucky to have you. I hope he gets better

A last thought while I'm at it. It also really helped me a lot that before the break I was reading a lot on the history and traditions of "magic" (not stage magic of course).

Magicians really had/have a good understanding of the inner workings of the mind and our relationship to the subjective reality as observers and actors. They were almost psychologists before the time. And countless books on magic warn the students of the dangers of delusion, confirmation bias and psychosis. And it's quite a wise warning to people trying to change reality through their mind (or inside their mind?). Modern chaos magicians have produced a lot of very interesting works on these topics, even if it might look like crazy people having fun at the first glance. I suspect a lot of them did a lot of drugs and probably experienced psychosis a few times for knowing so well these mechanisms.

It really implanted in me the idea that the experienced reality is subjective and that even supernatural things can be nothing but a trick of the mind. But to the magician it doesn't really matter what is objectively real since all that matters is that things become subjectively real for the people who believe them.

So I guess part of me was already warned that what I would see was most likely a projection of thoughts. Doesn't make it less disturbing when experienced though

a reply to: bananashooter
Oh ya dude. You went off the deep end there for a moment. A bizarre failed shifting into parallel dimensions, the dimension of dementia I do believe its called. I would say you need to sit in the lotus position under a banana tree and chill out and think it all through.

But don't think to much as there really is nothing much to think on. To be normal is basically to not think to much on things or at all, step in lock behavior is the norm, ignorance is bliss. And as they say, an idle mind is the devils playground. The worst enemy you will even encounter in your little trips will be you, because you are your own god and devil, but our not your own good or bad.

In all cool story bro. But there are far worse things you could have encounters in you little far out trips, you should consider yourself lucky in that, and move on.

a reply to: bananashooter

I've experienced this level of crazy.. in both a sane and insane state.

It's hard when reality itself is slipping. Not being able to function normally. I had said goodbye to the thought of ever living a normal or even a happy life. Now I'm quite alright, better than in a long, long time at least. And getting better even. My life will probably never be normal.. but I am ok with that, the thin golden road beckons and I love going down that road.

Madness can be transcended, I haven't overcome my condition yet but I know it's possible. I hope you gain understanding and calm, and that you find whatever it is that you seek.

Good luck

Thanks so much laughing god. I too have seen my better days, I want to be normal but I know that I am not the same person I used to be. I am much more accepting of other peoples faults now, that was a positive aspect. I just struggle with major anhedonia and have no desire to live most of the time. Everything seems so boring and dull after you confuse yourself with major thoughts of grandeur and thinking you are in the matrix.

Nuts here. I lost my best friend to my illness. She treats me like I have leprosy. Heartbreaking.

originally posted by: Restricted
Nuts here. I lost my best friend to my illness. She treats me like I have leprosy. Heartbreaking.

I am sorry to hear that. Maybe one day she will come around, I really did find out who my friends were. I still am very good friends with someone I went to high school with and he saw me at my worst, he even visited me in the hospital, so I know he is one of the good ones. Stay strong.

a reply to: bananashooter

Thanks and back at ya'.

I have suffered but not as bad as you.

When I slipped off everyone was out to get me. Everyone was whispering about me. I knew I was hearing every single persons in the world thoughts at once, and this newly found skill had made me the worlds worst enemy. Years of insanely hard drug abuse and very little sleep or food brought it on for me.
I lived in the shadows for years because of this I alienated so many people with drugs losing my mind I thought would write off the people that had stuck with me. On the verge of suicide. Drug binges so hard that when I would finally sleep, I would be disappointed that I would wake up.

Becoming a christian is what brought me back. I won't try to convince you or convert you. Is just what worked for me. For some reason that I haven't figured out yet it keeps me grounded, and when I feel the crazies coming back I don't always get it the first day or two. But I eventually get a kick on the ass feeling, the crazies are coming back knock it off.

I don't think there is a magic cure. For me the best cure is knowing that I am unique and amazing just like everyone else on this planet that I get to walk through this life with. We are all so connected and so similar. I know when I hurt and my heart breaks someone somewhere else is feeling the same with me.

Sorry jumbled rambling. I think this is the first I have ever written or spoken in any depth about this. Makes me a bit nervous.

Double post

a reply to: Raxusillian

Thank you for speaking up, I am glad there are many of "us" out there. It takes all types. Yeah I have thought about religion, although I really don't believe in it. I have had this inclination of becoming Mormon and moving to Utah for some reason, they seem to take care of their own and they have some outlandish beliefs, so I would probably fit right in.

a reply to: bananashooter

Please don't put any weight into the decision because of what I have said.
It is just what worked for me. Me and my christian friends are pretty crazy with our beliefs, Mormons are another breed entirely.

I think the op and whomever he was talking about getting rocks out of a river was lucky.

I remember helping to carry one big heavy rock out of a river and there was a cop, no maybe a ranger. I heard that he said that rock would cost us $250 unless we put it back in the river. It was in the 1970's I believe. I was a little kid. Probably like a 2000 fine nowadays with inflation. We put it back in the river. It was against the law to take rocks out of the river. Ridiculous I thought.

I think it's best not to talk about alternate realities or universes to most people. Except here it is perfectly fine. I have several times already. Most people don't think it's possible to switch randomly and will think you're crazy for even talking about it. I definitely do not talk about strange things at work. You can tell stories at bars and clubs. They may or may not think you're crazy but they might just think you come up with good stories when drinking. I wouldn't mention any of it if you went drinking with people from work.

Most people haven't experienced bizarre things and will not believe something unless they see it.

originally posted by: bananashooter
My episodes started happening in about 2009 I was about 27 at the time.

Weird, I had something similar happen in 2009. It was right about the time I turned 30. Do you remember which month it happened?

Before that I was as sane as the next person, nothing ever even remotely weird happened in my head before that time. The first time back in 2009 I just started feeling really good and wasn't needing very much sleep. I felt absolutely intrigued by everything around me, I was writing a reading like crazy, my creativity was going off the charts. It was a mild manic episode. I kept experiencing them about every couple months but with a increasing intensity. I was an airplane mechanic and my episodes got so bad I ended up losing my job and making a lot of people(co-workers and friends) I knew really uneasy with the idea of being around me because of the very strange stuff I was talking about. The aviation industry is not at all forgiving in the areas of mental health affecting people in safety sensitive positions, so I was terminated for BS reasons so they could get me out of there.

Talk about déjà vu. I am not in aeronautics, but almost everything you wrote could word-for-word describe what had happened to me. Several months before any of the "weirdness" started my girlfriend of seven years broke up with me. A couple of months after the break up my coworkers and I lost our jobs. It sucked going from a six figure salary to making nothing, but I got a good severance package. So I wasn't too worried about finding new work. In fact, I kind of was looking forward to exploring my freedom. I don't think whatever happened was trauma induced. In fact, I had come up with several new ideas during that time that I began to develop which looked very promising. It seemed like I was seeing connections everywhere. Then one particular detail I stumbled on sent me over the cliff. Everyone was a little weirded out by me at the time and I felt a real need to try to explain what I was experiencing because I knew the normal me would think it was all bollocks from a norms perspective.

As an engineer I kept telling myself during the experience, "If I can't prove the ideas and experiences I am being presented with have any basis in reality I will reject it." I did a cursory statistical analysis of certain events and tried to record everything in exacting detail. Years later now as I look back at the details of what happened. I really still can't say with any certainty what occurred. Nor can I entirely reject what happened because what came out of it seems to have validity. Doing this I start to fall back into the same style of thinking. To keep myself level, I try to temper myself and say -- "Did the experience help me or hurt me?" It definitely hurt me more than it helped. So I keep the details of what happened stowed away and only rarely let myself pull out the notes and other details to puzzle over what happened.

Really strange how similar your experience was.

Can't remember the month, I think around June. I always attributed some of it to the high levels of lead in the shop I worked in. I worked on old 1950's bombers converted into air tankers and they ran on 100 low lead and I was exposed to a lot of it. I probably will get cancer right when things start picking up in my life.

Thanks for the response and may the force be with you.

that's another reason why conspiracy theory websites or alternative news sites are helpful to the rest of us, it can be therapeutic and much more fun than an in-patient 'treatment' scenario

let your creativity go wild and enjoy your time here

a reply to: blacktie

Yeah well, I guess it depends. Conspiracy sites triggered my manic and psychotic episode and right now you can find many ATS users in the same situation.

It takes a brave person to speak up about mental health issues. I've not suffered anything like what has been discussed on this thread but I definitely think the potential is there for it. My moods can swing sometimes and I get so paranoid, like scared to answer the door/phone or interact with anyone paranoid and its definitely getting worse. Like i said nothing like what has been discussed on here but it changed my outlook on mental health .

a reply to: Megatronus

Thanks, that means a lot. I too get the paranoia, it is exhausting.

First of all I want to say thank you for sharing your story. Even with your mental illness you are probably a cool person. I say this because I've known people who are bi polar and they some of the coolest people I've ever met. If people don't want to hang around you because you're bi polar then that's them and you don't need people in your life who can't accept you for who you are.

I think everyone is a little crazy just some are more crazy then others. That's ok, because being normal is overrated.