"No shame" for male domestic abuse victims, says scalded victim

originally posted by: MystikMushroom
a reply to: Anyafaj

One piece of advice for men I'd give is to have a backup plan. Confide in a good friend what's been going on, someone who won't judge you. Ask them if it's OK when things get really horrible at home if you can come crash with them for a night or two. Keep an overnight bag packed in your car, or someplace you can get to it. If things are really bad, you may also want to keep some cash for yourself she doesn't know about (in case she freezes accounts or steals your cards/wallet).

A lot of the time just removing yourself from the situation for a period of time can work well. Showing the other person that you don't approve of their behavior, and that you respect yourself to much to stand there and put up with it is important. You can't change someone overnight, but you need to set boundaries on what's acceptable and what's not. To many guys I know don't have strong boundaries and harbor intense resentment for their wives/girlfriends because of this.

We all need to set clear boundaries in any healthy relationship. If we allow ourselves to be walked over all the time we just invite resentment into our lives. Some guys I know turn to drinking to deal with their resentments. There's an old saying, "resentments get you drunk". This strategy usually is self-defeating as being drunk usually makes you more liable to do something you'll regret. Reaching for a bottle due to overwhelming feelings of helplessness may sound like a good idea, but it's not. Don't fall for that!

I think this is actually a very good idea. Especially having a safe place to go to and a bag packed. Though, I would say to keep the bag where the abuser won't find it. Such as the tire well of your car, or a locker of a gym. Something like that, because something such as a packed bag might set them off, you never know.

a reply to: Anyafaj

Unfortunately that's true in a lot of the child support cases where the mother has to pay. The man just doesn't want the legal battle that would be necessary to get any compensation at all. I'm sure it brings up a lot of old scars too, stuff they would just rather not remember. It's really sad.

originally posted by: ScientificRailgun
a reply to: Anyafaj

Unfortunately that's true in a lot of the child support cases where the mother has to pay. The man just doesn't want the legal battle that would be necessary to get any compensation at all. I'm sure it brings up a lot of old scars too, stuff they would just rather not remember. It's really sad.

I know in their case, it was more emotional abuse on her end against him, and physical and emotional abuse against me. Apparently there was documentation through the court that stated she was unfit, because my dad got custody of all 3 of us. Which, in the 70's was very rare! He had a hard time finding a sitter for my 6mo. old brother, so he sent him to live with our grandmother until he was old enough to attend school. We were living in MI for awhile, then in CA, then my brother came back out to join us. Apparently there was almost a custody battle over him because my grandmother had grown attached and didn't want to give him back, which is understandable. Quite the mess. It's amazing how one divorce can blow up 3 families.

Edit to add, my grandmother never forgave my father taking my brother back. I think it broke her heart truthfully.

a reply to: Anyafaj

I lived this hell. My daily life was both physical and mental abuse. I'd be kicked, punched, and have various things like plates thrown at me. I would have to walk on egg-shells around my now ex-wife. If I forgot something, it'd be days on end with nothing but abuse that killed me inside. Even if it was no fault of my own, like mold growing in our rental apartment due to a leaky roof, BAM, I'd be kicked and yelled at.

My nerves were shot, my anxiety was at an all time high 24/7. It didn't help that she'd scream at the top of her lungs out the window, "Help! Help! My husband is raping me and going to kill me!". I sat there shaking crying, I didn't know what to do. Anything I did only egged her on more. I had no contact with friends or family, if she saw the slightest of emotion of being saddened by not being able to talk to my brother or my mother she'd say things like, "Oh, do you miss your brothers d***k?" or, "You miss your mamma's p*****?" and she'd go on to belittle me further.

Yet, she was relatively small and looked so innocent from the outside that you would never guess she was that kind of person. I tried taking my own life with her and she walked in on me with my wrist slit. Know what happened? I got bitched at for getting blood everywhere. She called the ambulance, they took me to the hospital and all the time I'm sitting there on the verge of a nervous breakdown because I know what I'm in store for when I get home.

The cruelty you experience from someone who is supposed to love and cherish is soul crushing. The problem is, you get so used to it that it becomes just another part of your day. You don't think about it, it just is.

She cheated on me, and then asked me for a divorce. I was so low I was actually saddened about it and didn't want one. Yet, it was the best thing that could have happened. She actually emailed me and called me, texted me several times saying that she had made the biggest mistake of her life and wanted me back.

I was tempted, because I did love her. But the warning sign that hit me so hard in the face that shook me out of it was the fact that she said, "How many chances did I give you? Don't I deserve a chance too?". WHAT CHANCES DID YOU GIVE ME?! My life was made a living hell, my anxiety and social problems are still going strong to this very day ten years after our divorce.

It's hard to get over something like this, it's even harder getting out of it.

originally posted by: 2Spooky4Me
a reply to: Anyafaj

I lived this hell. My daily life was both physical and mental abuse. I'd be kicked, punched, and have various things like plates thrown at me. I would have to walk on egg-shells around my now ex-wife. If I forgot something, it'd be days on end with nothing but abuse that killed me inside. Even if it was no fault of my own, like mold growing in our rental apartment due to a leaky roof, BAM, I'd be kicked and yelled at.

My nerves were shot, my anxiety was at an all time high 24/7. It didn't help that she'd scream at the top of her lungs out the window, "Help! Help! My husband is raping me and going to kill me!". I sat there shaking crying, I didn't know what to do. Anything I did only egged her on more. I had no contact with friends or family, if she saw the slightest of emotion of being saddened by not being able to talk to my brother or my mother she'd say things like, "Oh, do you miss your brothers d***k?" or, "You miss your mamma's p*****?" and she'd go on to belittle me further.

Yet, she was relatively small and looked so innocent from the outside that you would never guess she was that kind of person. I tried taking my own life with her and she walked in on me with my wrist slit. Know what happened? I got bitched at for getting blood everywhere. She called the ambulance, they took me to the hospital and all the time I'm sitting there on the verge of a nervous breakdown because I know what I'm in store for when I get home.

The cruelty you experience from someone who is supposed to love and cherish is soul crushing. The problem is, you get so used to it that it becomes just another part of your day. You don't think about it, it just is.

She cheated on me, and then asked me for a divorce. I was so low I was actually saddened about it and didn't want one. Yet, it was the best thing that could have happened. She actually emailed me and called me, texted me several times saying that she had made the biggest mistake of her life and wanted me back.

I was tempted, because I did love her. But the warning sign that hit me so hard in the face that shook me out of it was the fact that she said, "How many chances did I give you? Don't I deserve a chance too?". WHAT CHANCES DID YOU GIVE ME?! My life was made a living hell, my anxiety and social problems are still going strong to this very day ten years after our divorce.

It's hard to get over something like this, it's even harder getting out of it.

I'm glad you're finally out. I think that's the first, and hardest step. Getting out. Now to begin your healing process. They say for every year you were married is how long it will take to heal. If that is true, it will take me almost 10 years. I don't know if it is true, but they say that because some people expect to heal immediately after the papers are signed, and as some of us know, that isn't the case. It doesn't happen like that. It takes your body time to heal after the damage it has gone through. I hope and pray the process has started for you.

a reply to: Anyafaj

The gym locker is a great idea!

I'd like to point out that this is something that men AND women should consider for their own safety -- everyone can be subject to abuse.

a reply to: MystikMushroom

Any reasoned person should ideally have some sort of bug-out-bag prepared anyway, if not for domestic issues, then for other more practical reasons. (Like our impending apocalypse.)

originally posted by: MystikMushroom
a reply to: agenda51

That's an important component too -- and a lot of men I know get really tweaked around when they're insulted by their female companion.

It's not easy, but I've learned not to take anything personally, and detach myself from the situation. A lot of times hateful insults are slung to invoke an emotional response from you, and if you deprive them of that response, it can take some of the wind out of their rage. This can backfire though, so use it with caution.

Usually, I'd say something like, "I'm not going to discuss this with you right now while you're so upset. Let's talk about this when we're both in a better mood." Then I'd get up and go someplace (friends house, mall, library, where ever). I'm demonstrating a boundary with her that I won't let her cross. I refuse to argue back about whatever it is she's upset about. I'd be happy to talk about it later -- but I'm not going to get into a screaming match and wake the neighbors.

Being safe though is the most important thing. If you ever feel unsafe (male of female!) -- leave! As I said, have a back up plan and stick to it.

sounds like you have a good handle on the situation.

I had a cigarette stubbed out on my face for being 5 minutes late coming back with a Kebab..She now has a squinty nose.

a reply to: Soloprotocol

While I will never condone violence in return of violence, I don't know your specific circumstances leading to the incident and whether there was precedent for hers or your actions.

With that said, good on you. With a caveat. Society has become kind of a backward thing from the earlier generations where today women can reasonably expect to get violent with men and suffer no repercussions for their actions. I'm glad you stood up for yourself, even if I disagree with the method in which you did it.

originally posted by: ScientificRailgun
a reply to: agenda51

You really don't deserve a reply from me considering the hate you spilled out onto Anyafaj for sharing her story with us, but I'll go ahead and just say this:

If throwing out insults and accusations isn't productive, why did you engage in such behavior in your previous posts? If this isn't a "let's not attack the poster thread", why did you do exactly that? Saying you don't intend to insult someone doesn't absolve you of the insults you immediately levy on them after that sentence. It's like saying "No offense, but you're a F#*$ing retard." You don't get a free pass just because you said "no offense".

Outside of ALL of that, I will agree with you that women are generally permitted higher levels of abuse than men are, however, my personal thoughts on the matter is that neither is acceptable at ANY level, by either gender.

well you have to take it all into context. Like I said no offense was meant. I don't know what else can be said. If people want to read into things to find some hidden meaning or agenda thats on them. I wrote the posts and have stated that no offense was meant. I stated it after i said it because she obviously interpreted it as some sort of attack which I don't do. Its not an apology its a clarification. messed up, disturbed, confused....its all the same thing. I did not call her an effin retard.

I agree with you as well. Physical violence among adults is rarely justified. Obviously if one is under physical assault its a different story. Just getting mad and striking out is not a solution though. Its childish behavior and women need to stop....as do men. I will say I have never known a man to strike his wife out of anger....women yes....lots of them. Its pretty common.

If you guys really want to know how to deal with aggressive women go talk to some cops who have to deal with it on a regular basis. Domestic disturbance calls are some of the hardest and most dangerous situation LE have to deal with.

Thankfully many are starting to see through this stigma and a women dont get away with it quite so easily. I will again say the moment a woman gets physical you need to get the kids and leave the house. You cannot defend yourself without compromising the situation to the point where you are not at fault even if its self defense. The system is stacked against you. If it is constant and the woman continues to do it regularly you need to tell a few people so you have someone in court to back up your claims god forbid you end up in divorce. as a parent you cannot allow an abusive spouse to have full custody over your children whether they are a female or not. Once your gone the kids will take the beatings.

Hopefully once you leave with the kids a couple of times they will get the message though and it never comes to that. People mature at different rates and IMO women mature emotionally much later than men when it comes to dealing with stress. There are those cases of men beating the crap out of their wives though. usually its an alcoholic or habitual drug user. Self destruction is contagious. Those that destroy typically have no self respect. No self respect most often means No respect for others either. If your early in a relationship the clues are often there. A lot of times its genetic. Look at the parents of your girlfriend or spouse....are they mentally stable? I also think media is conditioning a lot of these women though.

the woman from the article is obviously a maniac. I have never had the thought occur to me to pour boiling water over someone. She will probably end up opting out at some point. I recently had a friend who was determined to be miserable and opted out. It did not surprise me or others around him. he just would not come out of denial no matter what happened. Even in the end with his letter he was still in denial. Oh well, at least he didnt hurt anyone else on his way out.

In the end it all starts with self respect IMO. If you dont have that your lost. People who like themselves dont lash out physically at those around them. Once you have self respect you its easy to respect others. This is a key principle I teach to my kids on a daily basis. respect others and give them space. Part of that is developing good manners. manners are something we really lack in society these days. People seem to be more uncomfortable around others now than say 10-15 years ago. Possibly a product of fear and political correctness along with obsession a false reality though social media. this all links to bad parenting and bad marriages as well IMO.

originally posted by: Soloprotocol
I had a cigarette stubbed out on my face for being 5 minutes late coming back with a Kebab..She now has a squinty nose.

LOL...does she still get aggressive with you?

a reply to: Anyafaj

Thanks for the kind words Anyafaj. The kick is though, I'm not sure I would have been out if she didn't decide to leave me! I grew so accustomed to how my life was, it became normal. Before my experiences with my ex-wife, I always shook my head when I heard women staying with men who beat them. "But I love them!", little did I know I would truly come to understand their way of thinking.

I look back at myself and almost hate myself for allowing it all to happen. Like someone else mentioned, I was raised to never raise my fist at anyone in anger and she took that as a sign of weakness. I could have easily destroyed her physically, and sometimes I'm angry at myself for not doing so. But that means she would have won, she would have turned me into someone I'm not. So that balances out my regrets.

I wish I had someone to talk to back then, and I think that's what people in this situation both male and female need as their first step. Find someone who you can trust and let them know what's going on. Two heads are better than one, and I know that no matter how much you tell yourself you love him/her, that somewhere deep down inside you're screaming for your freedom.

a reply to: 2Spooky4Me

A lot of times in abusive relationships the person being abused is isolated from their family and friends. It's fairly common for someone who's being abused to slowly find their circle of friends and family getting smaller and smaller.

originally posted by: 2Spooky4Me
a reply to: Anyafaj

Thanks for the kind words Anyafaj. The kick is though, I'm not sure I would have been out if she didn't decide to leave me! I grew so accustomed to how my life was, it became normal. Before my experiences with my ex-wife, I always shook my head when I heard women staying with men who beat them. "But I love them!", little did I know I would truly come to understand their way of thinking.

I look back at myself and almost hate myself for allowing it all to happen. Like someone else mentioned, I was raised to never raise my fist at anyone in anger and she took that as a sign of weakness. I could have easily destroyed her physically, and sometimes I'm angry at myself for not doing so. But that means she would have won, she would have turned me into someone I'm not. So that balances out my regrets.

I wish I had someone to talk to back then, and I think that's what people in this situation both male and female need as their first step. Find someone who you can trust and let them know what's going on. Two heads are better than one, and I know that no matter how much you tell yourself you love him/her, that somewhere deep down inside you're screaming for your freedom.

This is definitely one of those "speaking my language" times. I went through a lot of what you went through. Some I'm still going through, including kicking my own @$$. That probably won't go away for me for quite some time, but I tend to do that to myself.

originally posted by: agenda51

originally posted by: Soloprotocol
I had a cigarette stubbed out on my face for being 5 minutes late coming back with a Kebab..She now has a squinty nose.

LOL...does she still get aggressive with you?

She's Long gone mate.

a reply to: Soloprotocol

excellent!